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My husband was diagnoised July, 2009, he went to see Jesus Feb. 17, 2010. I know I had him longer than you, the sadness is overwhelming. Our doctor never even told us it was stage 4. He sent a different doctor to tell us he needed to move to hospice. I don’t remember a lot about those days, we had stayed a month in the hospital, and 27 hours at hospice. I am still in therapy, I have clinical depression, I go once a week. I also go to hospice group, it’s not even the same hospice, this is the one my Mom used 9 months later. They for the most understand, most have been thru it. I still cry every night, and on medication, that’s just to get me through the day. My therapist yesterday did say, she could see some changes, that I’m thinking about me at least a little.
I always take one foot forward then two feet backwards. While I was eating lunch with a couple of co-workers today, one mentioned something about morphene. It hit like a flash of lightning, Wayne was allergic to morphene. Now I second guess myself if I had told them, I e-mailed his doctor’s office to see if they can look back into his records and see if I did. I then called my therapist, I told her what had happened, she said I can’t blame myself, she said Wayne didn’t fill out his own paperwork? No, I said, he would only put on there what he thought the doctor wanted to here. He said it was not my fought if it had not gotten on there. I have always filled out his paperwork, for 25 years, since his first illness after we were married. I just feel so guilty, and can feel all those bad thoughts creeping into my brain. If I didn’t tell them that could have been the reason he went down so fast. I feel like a failure again, it’s seems I can’t do anything right. In the last two years I feel like this person, who I don’t recognize.
Yes, I had a great group time last night, went home and cried. Today I get to work, my boss comes wants to take all the old computers out of my room. I made the foolish mistake of helping her, after I moved about five my back was hurting, I’ve had a bad back ever since I can remember, started probably went fell out of a tree at six. I was moving the hard drives, then she comes in later and tells me to get all of the old monitors out and clean them, I told her my back was hurting, it was like sooooooooooo. Then I have a chair in my room my son bought me a few years ago, I have a brace on it, and feels great on my back, she told me to take that one home, she has another chair for me, it is as old as she is, the seat wobbles, there is no support at all for your back. So, I e -mailed my doctor to see if she will give a excuse telling her that I have to have a chair with lumbar support. I have to go to the oncologist next Tuesday, he is on the 4th floor, and my other doctor is on the bottom floor, same building. It’s like you try to take a step forward and people are waiting in the cornor to knock you down. These people have not lost anyone, not parents, spouse, or children. Walk through our shoes, they couldn’t do it. See, now I’m aggievated and now my chest hurts, I need to go home and calm down. How old do I have to be to retire. It’s bad that people like that makes you want to be older.
I made a big step today, I mailed my new beneificaries to my two life insurance policies, and for my retirement. I know about time.
My Wayne left 2-17-10 two years ago last Friday. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Week-end before last I had a bad breakdown, I tried to call some-one when they didn’t answer, I didn’t call anyone else, I started slitting my arms, then it felt like a relief. My therapist said if you wanted to hide it, you would wear long sleeves, that’s it I didn’t care if anyone saw it or not. Thursday night I went to hospice group, I told them about my breakdown they all prayed for me and gave me their phone numbers. Well Friday was two years, I took off work. I went to get my medications, stopped by my daughters, went to look for a hobby, I was told I need one. The chaplain of my hospice group called me just to see how my day was going. I told her I was looking something to do for a hobby, she said her church has some mission projects if I would be interested, especially when she found that I sew. I then stopped by Raising Cane’s chicken got supper and decide to go see Wayne, I got my chair out my food. I sat there for probably two hours. Saturday and Sunday I stayed home. Monday my daughter came over we went to a wake, first time I’ve been in a funeral home since my mom went to see Jesus. I surprisingly did well. When I spoke to my friend she hugged me and said you are the only one that understands. I go to therapy now once ever two weeks, I go to group every Thursday.
With Wayne it wasn’t until one week before he went to see Jesus, that the doctor told me it was stage 4 when it was found. I’m like you some of those dirty words need to be taken out of the English language. I don’t know about you, I’ve been told by a few people that they don’t me talk about Wayne all the time. He was my life, I had been caregiver 26 years of the 35+2 we are married. I still count the years. When we found out about the cancer Wayne asked me what are we going to do, I told him we were going to fight this like we fought everything else, the difference I loss this fight. I avoid ugly words.
Thanks all, I live in Denham Springs, right outside of Baton Rouge, LA. Today is Thursday, I cried last night it wasn’t as bad as Saturday. My daughter was going to take off tomorrow to be with me, but last night she told me she couldn’t, so I’ll have to do this all alone. Her and I both will be off Monday and Tuesday for Mardi Gras. I know Tuesday she is going to parades. Been to one local parade Saturday, it was a home town family parade, there is no way I would go to the other kind. I’m planning on going to get my medicine in the morning, stop by her work at LSU, I guess I’ll go out to eat with me, might take it to the cemetary and have a picnic, that is if it’s not rainning. I will be there at his grave at 4:27 pm. My group is having a Valentine group thing tonight, I had decided not to go, but after I spoke to my therapist I decided to go. I try to think about all the good things, but right now all these pictures keep poping in my head of those last few days. Today was the day they told me we needed to go to hospice, OK I was in such denial. I don’t want to forget those pictures in my mind, but I would like to have the good one’s to take over.
I have a hot line, but it would take so long to tell the story. I do go to my regular therapist today after work. My most severe depression, anxiety, and grief comes in the late afternoons. Usually while at work I don’t have time to think. I do have his picture beside my computer.
I miss my Wayne so bad, this week I know is going to be the worse in the year. Valentine’s Day, then Friday 2 years. Saturday was a really hard night I was by myself like always. The crying started, the screaming started, and then I found one of his toys, in the top computer drawer. I’ve looked in that drawer a million times, never paid attention, to these small knives looking things, in a little thing that goes around your wrist. I felt them they really feel sharp, so I went down my arm then the other, I felt better soon I stopped crying. I tried to call my chaplain from my hospice group before I started no answer. No one but her and my therapist would understand, the hurt I’ve been going through.
Lainy, my Wayne had those beautiful also, my daughter has those same blue eyes. I sitting at work with a picture of my Wayne, on my desk from my daughters wedding. He missed high school graduation, due to heart surgery, he was in her wedding, and we attended her college graduation together. Memories, they are ours forever.
You would not believe, or I think y’all maybe the only ones that would believe. Thursday night I went to bed as usual, medication for sleep and all. Well at 3:00 I woke up suddenly to Wayne’s voice, he only said one word “Terry”, it was so real, and I am positive it was his voice. So I go to work later that morning, I am so excited that I heard his voice. I met up with all the unbelievers, of course like I said most of them have not had a major loss. One told me I hope you didn’t answer because gives you bad luck, I lost my husband, and bestfriend, and you go home to yours, and I’ll have bad luck.
When I got home next door neighbor, I don’t know that well, asked how my day was, I said OK. He has been going to Bible study, so I told him of my exciting news, this man started to get into my space, I backed up, he came forward, I had my arms crossed, I backed up again, he said he wanted to touch, then he wanted me to look in his eyes, I told him that I was uncomfortable with this I left. I wondering if Wayne had come to warn me against this pervert. I haven’t had this problem since I was in high school. The next day I was going to go to my car, I saw him outside in the front yard, I shut and locked the door. I’ve had a wall up around me for a long time, the first time I talked to a person I don’t really know this happens. Well I have my wall up, tightened, and nailed shut. He gave me the creeps.
That’s terrific, my daughter wants one so bad, she has gone to a few doctors. No baby yet. I journal everyday, yesterday I wrote that everyone needs to tell their family I love you, at least everyday. I can tell Wayne I love you but it’s not the same, as being able to look into his blue eyes, and give a hug and a kiss with it.
I don’t know if I mentioned it, I have this thing about talking on the telephone, really not talking on the phone. My therapist talked me into calling to pay my house note. She advised me to call Wayne’s sister, the biggest mistake of my life. She told me anything to be spiteful and hateful. I told her she was lucky I allowed her to go to the hospital, hospice, and the funeral. She said she was his sister that I couldn’t stop her. Then I explained the law to her, when you get married your spouse becomes your next of kin, then parents, then children, I told her she was down the line. I knew it was a mistake to call, I found out the one I wouldn’t allow to to go to these places is moving 4 miles from me. I know we will run into Wal-Mart, the last time we saw her, I told him she was sitting across in a restraunt, he refused to look around to see her. Four year prior was the last time they saw each other, she told her that she loved him. (Yeah right!)
I almost forgot, I was getting ready to call one of the people on my call list when guess who called, my daughter Heather.
I have a son who lives out of town, and he has two daughters. My daughter lives nearly 50 miles away, I call it the other country. I live 25 miles east of the Mississippi River and she lives 25 miles west of the Mississippi, but she works on this side, in LSU. I still have most of Wayne’s things where he left them, we didn’t know that when he went to the hospital, he would never come home. We have two sheds with all different toys of his, probably sooner or later most will go to my daughter and her husband, a lot have never been used. Some I’ll keep I can use a electric saw if I need to, and a drill. I have a couple of kits in the utility room. Thanks for caring.
I had therapy after work yesterday, she waited until it was time for me to leave that she told me that my friend who is paying for it stops at the end of the year. She asked how I felt, I know I got very quiet, I felt my blood pressure raise, and my depression drop lower. I got home went to bed, I heard my dog barking over and over, I looked out it was my daughter. I told her that it seems she shows up when I’m down. My daughter told me she would pay for my therapy, not to worry. I did another first, my daughter the other day was talking about going to buy a air compressor. I bit my upper lip, and said we have one in the shed, which belonged to her dad. That’s the reason she came over, but that was the first one of Wayne’s toys to leave my house. I was sad that Wayne would not ever use it again, but it is in a good home, I know Wayne would be OK with that. That didn’t stop the tears then and now but it is still in the family. I told her also that I have some attachments somewhere still in the boxes never used.
Thank you, for your notes, its been a rough time. Once I got my med.s by Tuesday I was feeling better. Still sad, still cry, but right now I’m holding my own. I do have people on my contract to call if it gets that bad, that time my daughter called me. Other times I have called my therapist. The lady that told me to drop my insurance so I could get it from the mental health place, do taked into the fact that I’m diabetic, high blood pressure, thyroid med.s, potassium, iron from my oncologist, and medicine for my inherited tremmors. After I broke my thumb last week I also found out that I inherited all my mothers arthritis. I get very discourage but I’m trying. By the way today at work was pink day, for breast cancer. I’m wearing my green cc foundation t-shirt with a green ribbon, under it I did put a pink one. Cc is not fare to the patient, or to the familes. Thanks