pauline

Hi everyone,
Just a quick message to say I am thinking of you all and especially of Joyce and Sue at this time. Try to focus on the lovely times and the special qualities of our husbands – it really is the best we can do, isn’t it? These dreams cam be so strange and yet so beautiful. They make me feel a little better as though Anthony is with me some how. Isn’t it odd that we all still know our husbands are dead, even when we dream of them?
Thinking of you all,
Love,
Pauline

Hi everyone,
It is good to hear from you and to find that you are all coping with the many and varied challenges that life throws at us. I am working very hard now, including 3 days a week in Leicester in the midlands of England. It is helping me to keep focused and to avoid sinking like I did in July and August. I know I will wear myself out but that seems ok at the moment. I haven’t been sleeping well so perhaps exhaustion will help.
I think Spain sounds good, Sue as does the idea of staying in Sam’s new house for Ray’s anniversary. What could be better than to spend this time with someone who loves you and loved Ray and undestands how you feel. I hope you will plan something too, Joyce because it really is a difficult time.
I hope you are ok, Darla and Janet. Autumn is here but it has been a lovely September here with only a little rain and even some sunshine! I wish it could continue but I know those cold, short days are on their way.
Anyway, take care all of you!
Love
Pauline xx

Hi everyone,
I’m sorry you have had some tearful times this week, Janet, but it’s good to hear that you are being so positive and I hope the trip to see your sister goes well.
I have just come to the end of my month in Italy and this has been a very busy week, when I’ve had lots of invitations to see people. Of course, this being Italy, it means I have been eating many delicious meals, sometimes lunch and dinner with several courses in one day! It has been nice and has kept me busy but, of course, it is all tinged with sadness because Anthony isn’t with me. Tonight was a local festa with everyone from the area sitting down to a meal – 350 people in all. There was a lottery draw and I couldn’t believe it when I won the first prize of a television, which I gave to my neighbours children who were so excited. Tony would have loved to have been there eating and drinking with all our Italian neighbours and would have found it amusing when I won the first prize. Isn’t life so sad? I miss him so much!
Anyway, I am going to Florence tomorrow and then returning to London on Tuesday.
I hope you are all ok. I am thinking of you all and my thoughts will be with you Janet as you go off to see your sister and, of course, with you Darla as we approach Jim’s anniversary.
Take care everyone
Love
Pauline

Hello everyone,
Well, I made it back to Tuscany from Rome, which is a kind of relief. I absolutely love Rome and think it is probably the most wonderful city in the world but I made a mistake by going there this time. Anthony and I used to go there regularly and it was too sad without him. Whenever I went to places we had visited together I got very upset at the memory and when I went to places we hadn’t visited together I was so upset that he had missed seeing them. So basically there was no resolution to this problem. In addition it was terribly hot, which tired me and made me feel worse.
There was also something about the holiday feel at this time of year that really made it seem that everyone was there with someone, except me. Over the past year I have become accustomed to doing things on my own, for example, having a meal in a restaurant or a coffee in a bar etc. However, this time I was unfortunate to come across some insensitive waiters/ managers who either put me on a table in a corner on my own or just forgot about me completely, as though I didn’t exist. Of course these experiences didn’t help my mood.
There was, however, one very pleasant experience in a restaurant on the first night. An American couple from New Jersey sat next to me. They were really friendly and we had a lovely chat. I explained why I was on my own and they were very sympathetic. We got on well and discussed the NHS and the debate re health care that is going on in the States. We even had our photo taken by another group of Americans on the next table and exchanged email addresses. They may come and stay with me for b&b the next time they are in Italy.
So really, Janet, I say a lot of this to try to help you think through your holiday plans. I think you probably need a good break and so a holiday should be a good idea. I would probably advise not going completely alone and not going somewhere that holds too many precious memories for you. Do you have any friends who live somewhere nice who you could visit or is there a fiend who could go on holiday with you? I do find I need some time on my own as well as with others and it can be quite hard to get the balance right. How do you think it would be if you went with your kids? Would this be less of a break for you? I would suggest you weigh all these things up and then go for it and perhaps keep it quite short for the first time.
Another idea is that we all get together somewhere, possibly here in Italy, one of these days and have a really good old moan together without having to worry about how others feel because we already know!
On the issue of alcohol, Darla and Janet, I am, basically, very wary of it because I realise that it is the worst thing to turn to in our situation and didn’t touch a drop for the first 6 months after Anthony died. However, I do find an occasional glass of Chianti Classico (not more than 2 glasses in an evening for me) rather pleasant and relaxing.
So, as you can see, I am trying to force myself out of my depression at the moment and am making an effort to try to be more positive. I hope you are all ok. I am sorry about the weather for you, Darla. I can’t bear the thought of another autumn approaching, can you? At least here in Tuscany the weather is absolutely beautiful, without being too hot and stifling as it was in Rome.
Take care everyone!
With love
Pauline

I would now like to add that, at the HPB cancer conference that I attended recently with Marion, I met Dr Valle, a consultant oncologist at the christie Hospital in Manchester who is very committed to cc patients and research into effective treatments. If you are in the Manchester area I would suggest you contact him.
Pauline

Dear all,
I am pleased you had a really lovely holiday, Joyce. I hope the graduation was beautiful, Sue. I hope you are alright, Darla, Janet, Patty and everyone. I am thinking of you all.
I held the memorial for Anthony yesterday at home. It was lovely and I did my eulogy and tried to keep it positive. I only cried briefly once, which I thought wasn’t too bad. Today I feel very low and memories of a year ago are very vivid. I was reading my hospital diary and a year ago today, Anthony was in the hospice but his blood tests were good and the staff thought it was just a case of sorting out appropriate pain medication. Anthony felt a bit better, our daughter came in and we all decided to go over to Italy for a few days later in the month once they sorted out his pain meds. No one knew he was dying and yet he only had 10 days left of life. I now think how amazing that we were still so positive at this very late stage. That was a good thing.
Anyway, as you can see I am going through this one day at a time. I am thinking of you all as always.
Take care
With love
Pauline