uksue

Hi Darla,
The week has gone better since I spoke last. I found the problem with the internet was with AOL not me! So I re installed the router and it is working fine now. Every time I do something it gets a little easier to do it the next time. I suppose this is how our husbands learned to do things in the first place and we just assumed they knew instinctively!
I am making progress with the bedroom decorating, I have painted the walls a very pale pink, which Ray wouldnt have liked much but I think it looks better than the fawn we planned to paint it. He was also going to replace the carpet which is blue for a neautal beige, but looking at it I think it looks ok and is still in good condition. Plus if I do replace it it will mean someone coming in to take the doors down and saw some off the bottom which will be a hassle. I know I am rambling about minor things, but these are the thought processes we now go through on our own. I bought some radiator paint taoday and there were two options satin finish and gloss, I chose gloss because it was always what Ray chose, but I think the satin would probably have been better, but what the hell, I am getting on with it and in fact I am very proud of the way it is looking.
So Darla, we may not be as good at doing things, but we are getting there and every step makes it easier to do the next.
I took a rose to Rays grave on Valentines day and it is the first time I have not cried there, instead I told him I was doing my best and I hoped he was proud of me. I think we have to do thinks in our own way now, dont you, we cant do the old things as well as they could, but we can find different ways to do different things.
I know you have a great interest in antiques, and if you do things the same way as Jim it will be too hard, can you find different outlets, or develop your own specialities which would help you find a new path,
Lots of love,
Sue x

Hi Friends, Hope you are all OK.
Feeling pretty lonely today – I am sure you all have days like this too. It just too hard sometimes to keep cheerful. Can’t blame the weather either as the sun is shining and the snow is melting. Trying to motivate myself but it is difficult with all the doom and gloom on the TV. We could do with some good news for a change!
Sue

Hi All,
Its sunday again and at last the snow seems to be melting. I brought my Mum over for the weekend for company, she is a real support, and she has been through this herself three years ago so she knows what it feels like. I think I feel worse now than when I did just after Ray died. I think after Ray died, I was working on adrenoline, trying to get the funeral right, then making sure i did something every day, and trying to make a family Christmas so the girls would be OK, and now it is like I have run out of steam. I dont seem to have the energy to do anything. On Friday I had a business meeting with an old colleague whi I have known for about thrity years. He has jsut started up a new business and wants me to go in with him, on technical devlopment and support, but I just dont feel reay to have that sort of committment at the moment. He was very good and said that he could see I wasnt ready but to just let him know when I wanted to join him, but I dont know that I will ever be ready, I am just too exhausted to start doing 12 hour days again and battling my way on the motorways week in and week out. I just cant get excited about his project. I am also nervous about getting too involved with his business as he has had two bankruptcies before and I dont need the stress. I would have been able to talk to Ray about it before, but I cant now, or I can but he doesnt answer! I think the best thing is to just wait and see what happens before I jump into something I cant handle.
I havent heard much from any of our old friends, it is amazing how quickly they fall away isnt it? The only ones who seem to stay in touch are those female friends who are on their own too, so they seem to understand. There is a lot of truth in those cheesey e-mails which keep telling us that the strongest friends are all our girlfriends! But it is so hard to stop thinking like a couple!
I went to see an old schoolfriend yesterday. I havent seen her for twenty years even though we both live in the same town, as we were not too close at school and have just drifted apart over the years (I suppose that was my fault as she wasnt married and I was it was difficult to make time to see her). She got married for the first time two years ago, and I just heard that her husband has cancer and only has six weeks to live. He was up when I arrived at her flat, and it was so hard talking to him, as it brought it all back to me. She has no relatives, her mum and dad have died and she has no brother or sisters, and not too many friends. I told her if she needed anything to call me as she does not drive and will certainly need help over the next few weeks and after he dies. I think I will take her to see my Mum the next time the nurse is with her husband as she knew her when we were growing up and it may do her good to be able to talk without her husband there. Why does this keep on happening? I must have heard of 5 or 6 more friends and aquaintances who have developed cancer since Ray died.
Sorry this post is a bit gloomy, writing it all down seems to help, so I will try to put on a happy face for the rest of the day and count my blessings!

Pauline, I hope you have a lovely time in Italy, although it must be very hard for you as everything you do there will remind you of what you have lost. Will you keep your house do you think?
Rays grandaughter is coming to stay for a few days over the half term, so I shall spend some time with her doing the crafts I do at the Youthclub, making jewellery, nail art and leather work, you cant be sad when she is around!
Darla, I hope you can keep busy this weekend, do you keep your shop open at the weekend? If so I hope you have lots of visitors.
Joyce, give Flashy and extra hug from me! I still look around for Poppy when I forget she is not here any more.

Lots of love to you all.
Sue
Sue

Thanks Darla, I do think that, and also she will be with my Dad who loved her to bits, but it will be quiet here without her, she gave me something to get up for in a morning.
Love Sue

Dear Friends,
It is a year today that my friend’s husband died. His name was also Ray and he also died of cancer. She is having a pretty hard time of it so I have asked her to dinner tonight and also invited two other firends to help cheer her up. (I don’t know that I would be strong enough not to join her if she cries if there were only the two of us). So I am busy today cooking my first female-only dinner party. How life changes!
Joyce, I am so pleased that Butch let you know he was listening and watching out for you.
After my Dad died I often felt his presence, but I can’t sense that Ray is about at all. Even when I go to his grave I don’t feel he is there, perhaps I want it too much.
Patty, I am sorry your so-called friend has been so insensitive. I am sure you will find comfort with your brother, but do you have good friends you can turn to also? You need the right kind of people about you at this time.
Darla, Pauline, thank you for your comments, it makes you wonder if people might remember what they said if they ever are in a similar situation in the future. Many people just dont think before they open their mouths.
Anyway have a good weekend, everyone, hope the sun shines on you and scares away a bit of this cold.
Lots of love
Sue

Hi Darla,
Thanks for your reply, I think that we could have easily been in your situation if Ray hadn’t been diagnosed by accident, but you are right whichever way it is it is still a bummer.
I have my Mum with me this weekend and Sam is coming home for the night tomorrow so I am looking forward to seeing her. I hope your weekend is not too bad and you have some company.
Wishing you, Joyce, Pauline and all our friends a peaceful weekend,
Love Sue x

Dear Marion,
Thanks for your kind words it is good to know things will eventually get a little better. Can you tell me where to find Dr Giles letter to Betty? I have tried to find it but cant and would like to read it.
Many thanks,
Sue

Hi Ladies,
It is the three-month anniversary of Rays death, and I am feeling a bit low today. I really think it is impossible for me to live the same kind of life and do the same things we used to do as a couple. It just doesnt fit anymore. Even our with our good friends who invite me for dinner or out for a meal I dont feel I fit anymore, as you say, Darla and Joyce, it just isnt the same as a “widow”.
I think I will have to re-invent who I am, and do totally different things, it is too hard trying to do the “couples” things alone.
Also the number of things I need to get done around the house is weighing on my mind, I think I will have to try to get professionals in to help me with some of the gardening and decorating, it is too big a job for me to feel able to tackle it all alone.
I am trying to give my life some structure, so have keep fit on Tuesday, and have enrolled to help with crafts again at our local youth club, but I am aware I have to do things out of the norm, or else it would be too easy to stand in the shadow of what life would have been like if Ray was still here.
I felt I wanted to do something completely different and out of character, so I have booked a cooking holiday to Crete over the Greek Easter holidays.
It will be the first time I have ever gone on holiday by myself, and I am very nervous, but I feel I should push myself to try to do things out of character. Normally on holiday I used to let Ray do the talking as he was so social and I was quite happy to sit and listen, so I will find it quite difficult to meet new people on my own. But at least it is something new, and wont hold sad reminders of places went to together. I am probably mad, but after all it is just a few days – and hopefully it will give me some self confidence to start to do other things on my own.
At the very least it is something in my calendar to work towards.
I am finding it hard to visit Rays grave at the moment, I am very aware that what lay beneath the ground is not Ray now, and I find it easier to talk to his picture than his grave.
I suppose in the spring I will also have to go and try to sort out a headstone, I will leave it until six months has passed then will tackle this job. It is just so hard to motivate myself at the moment, hopefully when Spring comes it may bring us all a little more joy.
Love to all.
Sue