A Wife’s Grief
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Debby,
My heart just breaks for you…..
I joined this site last August after my darling Dad died 7 weeks after diagnosis of CC, he had a failed liver resection and never regained consciousness, dying 9 days after we waved him off to surgery.
At the time the devastation and shock we felt was so painful and raw, but reading your story I think for my Dad it was the right outcome…..
Like you said people say you are lucky for the extra time but watching your beloved husband fail in front of your eyes must be devastating.
Thinking of you and wishing you peace and strength along your journey,
Katie
This February, I am right where Carol was last February. I am watching my husband suffer, day by day, and struggle to hold on for his family. I am scared, but trying to keep everything together for my family.
This feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. I am just watching him fade away. We are on Day 59 of Hospice. Carol’s description of limbo is exactly where I live-between “normal world” and “cancer world”.
I have been told, too, how lucky we are to have extra time since his doctor was thinking, back in December, that he wouldn’t make it to Christmas. Lucky would not be the word I would use. I don’t want extra time, I want a lifetime.
People try, but no one really understands. There are no words to describe it exactly. Only those who have walked this path can grasp the enormity of this cancer.
We are having another snowstorm. The good thing? We are all home together, safe and warm.
One day, one hour, one moment at a time.Carol you and I are the same age and its terrible that we are going through what we are.My husband loved living near the beach-it was like a dream come true for him.Our house is old and ramshackle though we are simply living types in this beautiful place that we live.But of course its the people in a community t hat make it and luckily this small community is not too bad and I hope yours isnt too bad also.If I could bring you a meal or a bunch of flowers I would.
kind regards JanetYou all are amazing! That was a really bad day, the worst yet. I just wanted to crawl under the bed and make everybody and everything go away. Thanks for all the prayers and good wishes. I can feel my strength coming back as I read your encouraging and heartfelt words. I will make it and get through this!
Janet, I have always wanted to live on a lake or pond where I could hear the water gently lapping and hear the frogs croaking in the summertime. I’m sure your swim helped you cope a little. It sounds lovely. I wish you strength too.
Carol
Dear Carol I have recently experienced what you are going through and I found it an absolute nightmare.I felt so stressed all the time .I found the sea very therapeutic.I swam in it every day sometimes I would only be away from the house for 17minutes-I timed it(just a quick dip).Just being near the ocean helped for me.I realise not everyone lives near the sea but any water or special spot might help.Of course nothing really takes away the pain and stress of it all just lifts it very slightly
Wishing you strength Janet
Carol,
Know that somewhere half across the world, I am praying for you and Charlie. I am praying for strength and love and peace. You are doing amazing.Kris
Carol,
My Mom has now been released into Hospice care. One of the grief articles I was reading had the following statement:
GRIEF IS NOT AN EVENT….IT’S A PROCESS.
I believe this is so true. It starts with the anticipatory type grief and then seems to go on and on. It’s so wearing and draining.
You are entitled to every emotion you are feeling. You have so many people depending on you and you ARE holding everything together.
I check your blog daily. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and Hugs,
PamDear Carol,
My grief is over my mother, and not a husband, so I know the circumstances are different, but I know exactly what you mean. I kept getting the “you’re so lucky she went fast, and didn’t suffer” speech. Also, “you’re so lucky to have had a mother for so long – some people don’t have that.” And yes, I’ve been guilty of saying the same thing to people!!! I guess a part of me acknowledges that yes, I am lucky to have had such a wonderful person in my life, but that’s just being too rational. When you’re grieving or in anticipatory grief, you don’t feel LUCKY at all. It’s HELL. You just wonder why you can’t be one of those people whose loved ones live to a ripe old age, happy and healthy. It just doesn’t seem fair.This cancer knocks you down and sometimes it makes things worse to try to make people see the “sunny side” – there really are times when there is no sunny side when you’re going through this nightmare. You’re entitled to feel this way – you’re going through so much, and you have such a huge burden to bear. I hope, as you said, tomorrow is a better day, but just the fact that you’re putting one foot in front of the other is enough for now. You’re not superhuman and you can’t do this alone. I hope you find strength in your loved ones to help you – you are such a strong woman to have gone through so much already, and sometimes you need to share the pain.
Cyberhugs,
Joyce MDear Carol,
I remember feeling like it was never going to end, and wanting it to be over at the same time I was feeling guilty and, also, wanting to keep him by my side forever, BUT, only if he was whole and well. It is so difficult to stand back and watch someone we love so much suffer. You are doing a tremendous job, and you can be proud. We are thinking of you and your family.Joyce C.
Dear Carol,
As Lainy said, you have earned the right to feel as you do and I too think you are doing a good job holding everything together. You also know where to come to let your feelings out & gain strength & support.
As I have said before, I only dealt with the caretaker part for 7 weeks and know how much it took out of me. I am still trying to deal with it all. I often wish we’d had more time, but after watching what Jim went through, deteriating so quickly, as hard as that was for me, I can’t imagine what it must be like for you & others who have had to watched it go on for so long.
I too would have said how lucky you are to have this time together, but I can see now that is not always good either. I suppose, there is nothing good about this cancer and how it affects everyone touched by it. I guess we just have to take what we get & deal with it one day at a time. We have no control over any of it or the outcome.
Although I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I lost Jim so quickly, I know that for him it was better as he did not have to suffer for a very long time. I would have wanted more time for me but if that time would not have been quality time for him, then I guess I was just being selfish & thinking of myself. I will keep you & Charlie in my thoughts & prayers & hope for peace & comfort for both of you in the days to come.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDearest Carol, have you not earned the right to feel the way you do? There is nothing more I can say except to let you know I am thinking of you daily and sending love and prayers your way.
Dear Friends,
This is one of those days. I feel like one foot won’t go in front of the other today. All these things – helplessness, keeping everything together for everyone, caring for my sweet Charlie, doubt, fear, grief – it’s overwhelming today. It’s 1:00 p.m. and Charlie is still sleeping. I feel like I have disappeared, but how can that be? I’m the one holding everything together, aren’t I? This limbo between Charlie’s life and his “shell” of a life is unbearable today. Everybody talks about the precious time we have and how lucky we are. As it drags on and on, it doesn’t feel so lucky. Seeing the love of your life deteriorate isn’t easy on anyone. Charlie says he feels like a 90 year old man. I feel so guilty and bad thinking this way because everyone keeps reminding me how lucky we are. What’s wrong with me?
Thanks for letting me get that out. I am so tired and burned out. Today is bad, pray for better tomorrows.
Carol
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