angry stage

Hey Jules. So sorry you are having such a hard time. Everyone else has said all there is to say, you are grieving, that’s how it is.
I’ll email you. xxxxxxxxx

Hi Jules,
I relate so much to what you are saying — the anger at the cancer, at the world, at yourself for not doing enough. You must know in your head that you did everything possible and you could not have changed the ultimate outcome, but the guilt and the re-thinking still happens over and over. Your dad would NEVER think you let him down — you did so much for him!! but this grief is just not rational, not at all.

In the beginning my anger was so bad that I was mad at EVERYONE for being alive when my mother isn’t. I still have those moments, especially towards my in-laws, since they don’t seem to appreciate the fact that they’re still alive and able to see my daughter, when my mother isn’t. And I still have those moments and I still don’t want to socialize or talk about inane things with people – I blew up at my husband a few months after my mother died because NOBODY would mention my mother in front of me and that’s ALL I wanted to talk about, all I could think about. It’s as if the rest of the world has forgotten, as if no one is aware that the world stopped spinning on its axis on January 22nd, 2007. I could only be with my mother’s dear friends and my “adopted” brother, because they were the only ones who would cry and grieve with me and talk about her last days. It’s so necessary to do that – painful as it is, you can’t just go on as if nothing happened. Though I, too, spend hours at a time just pretending it never happened, but reality always intrudes somehow. I think the denial trick is a wonderful coping mechanism and I still won’t admit that she’s gone, because if I fully accept it, I’ll go insane. The anger is a better outlet to channel the extreme emotions you feel at this time – or it is for me, though it’s somewhat scary.

I’m sorry for rambling – just want you to know that your pain and anger, though unique and indescribable, is similar to mine and you should try to be easier on yourself – easier said than done! I don’t think there are any words to truly comfort at this time, but venting does release some of the emotions, so vent away. Pain like this can never be understood by people who haven’t gone through it themselves, which is why I always turn to this board for answers, affirmation and venting.

I wish you peace and eventual relief from at least some of your anguish-

Joyce