Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Karen, Thanks for sharing. You are not intruding and your “2 cents” is always welcome and appreciated. I have to agree with what both you & Pauline have said. We need to get away, but should give it some thought. No one said it would be easy, but we do have to try. There’s no getting away from the occasional tears, but there is nothing wrong with that. I do think that we are all a lot stronger than we think we are.
Pauline, I am glad that things are going a little better for you now that you are in Tuscany. It would really be great if we could some how plan to all get together some day. We are all in this together, after all, and as you said, there would be no explaining to do as we all know and understand what we are all feeling and going through.
Everyone take care.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi,
Mind if I butt in with my two cents worth on the vacation issue. I just got back from a “road trip” that I designed on the internet. Our company shuts the whole operation down for a week and I knew I could not say home without going absolutely bats. I also knew I could not go anywhere that Rob and I used to go…the pain would be too great. In fact, part of my trip was designed so that I would not travel the same roads we used to take to and from Boston for his treatment. This actually added a few days to my trip and I took an extra half of a week.
I have to say the trip was pretty good (and right before I left I was going to cancel everything). Spent a few days on my own and some time with a good friend from years back and some time with my cousin. That’s not to say I didn’t have my crying jags, but on the whole I was able to enjoy doing and going places by myself. I found a new strength I didn’t know was there.
Please excuse the intrusion, but I felt the need to share. Praying we all find this terrible journey easier each and every day.
Peace,
KarenHello everyone,
Well, I made it back to Tuscany from Rome, which is a kind of relief. I absolutely love Rome and think it is probably the most wonderful city in the world but I made a mistake by going there this time. Anthony and I used to go there regularly and it was too sad without him. Whenever I went to places we had visited together I got very upset at the memory and when I went to places we hadn’t visited together I was so upset that he had missed seeing them. So basically there was no resolution to this problem. In addition it was terribly hot, which tired me and made me feel worse.
There was also something about the holiday feel at this time of year that really made it seem that everyone was there with someone, except me. Over the past year I have become accustomed to doing things on my own, for example, having a meal in a restaurant or a coffee in a bar etc. However, this time I was unfortunate to come across some insensitive waiters/ managers who either put me on a table in a corner on my own or just forgot about me completely, as though I didn’t exist. Of course these experiences didn’t help my mood.
There was, however, one very pleasant experience in a restaurant on the first night. An American couple from New Jersey sat next to me. They were really friendly and we had a lovely chat. I explained why I was on my own and they were very sympathetic. We got on well and discussed the NHS and the debate re health care that is going on in the States. We even had our photo taken by another group of Americans on the next table and exchanged email addresses. They may come and stay with me for b&b the next time they are in Italy.
So really, Janet, I say a lot of this to try to help you think through your holiday plans. I think you probably need a good break and so a holiday should be a good idea. I would probably advise not going completely alone and not going somewhere that holds too many precious memories for you. Do you have any friends who live somewhere nice who you could visit or is there a fiend who could go on holiday with you? I do find I need some time on my own as well as with others and it can be quite hard to get the balance right. How do you think it would be if you went with your kids? Would this be less of a break for you? I would suggest you weigh all these things up and then go for it and perhaps keep it quite short for the first time.
Another idea is that we all get together somewhere, possibly here in Italy, one of these days and have a really good old moan together without having to worry about how others feel because we already know!
On the issue of alcohol, Darla and Janet, I am, basically, very wary of it because I realise that it is the worst thing to turn to in our situation and didn’t touch a drop for the first 6 months after Anthony died. However, I do find an occasional glass of Chianti Classico (not more than 2 glasses in an evening for me) rather pleasant and relaxing.
So, as you can see, I am trying to force myself out of my depression at the moment and am making an effort to try to be more positive. I hope you are all ok. I am sorry about the weather for you, Darla. I can’t bear the thought of another autumn approaching, can you? At least here in Tuscany the weather is absolutely beautiful, without being too hot and stifling as it was in Rome.
Take care everyone!
With love
PaulineJanet, I do like wine. In general White Zinfandel’s and also found a Riesling, “Relax”, that I particularly enjoy. What are some of your favorite local ones? Darla
Darla, we are a wine producing state here so we have that outlook but I am sure that cider is fantastic! Janet
Janet,
The cider is pure fresh apple cider. Tastes great. I do think the weather and length of days have an affect on us. I think we are all still fragile and more sensitive to all of these things. Let’s face it. What we are going through is probably the hardest thing we have ever had to face or will go through in our lifetime. Add in all of the other things we are facing and variables in day to day life and I am amazed that we are all doing as well as we are. For me the help & support I get from all of you here has made a big difference.
Janet, you have almost made it through your winter and I am already looking at the coming fall and another winter here. Hopefully this one won’t be as bad as the past two years have been. None of that seemed to matter so much before. It was all so much easier when we had our husbands here to share it all with, wasn’t it?
Everyone try to have a nice weekend. Keep busy and stay in touch. I am thinking of all of you and hoping you are all doing OK.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDarla that sounded lovely,the cider.Is it alcoholic?I would hope so.We have apple orchards nearby too.I love the produce markets-the local olives are my favourite thing to buy.I have a vase of jonquils that I am enjoying,it is almost spring here and it gives me a lift,the longer days etc.Are we sensitive to the weather and seasons when we are grieving?I think we are.
Pauline,are you still in Rome?Last time I was in Rome was when I was 22 but I remember the food and the fun I had there
Love to all JanetHi All,
Joyce, the skunk thing sounds like more excitement than I would wish on anyone! A diversion I guess, but a messy one that you could have done without. I hope Flash is back to normal and getting over the trauma of it all!
Janet, I like you have a lot of mixed feelings about going places & getting away, both good & bad. I have done a few little things on my own. Gone for coffee or breakfast, but it is very hard, as I see all these couples my age and wonder why I am here alone & what is the point. We did everything together. It is hard to imagine going away alone and doing everything for yourself, so much of it was done by our husbands and shared with them. Even shopping alone is sometimes difficult. I guess none of us paid much attention before, but now it seems like all you see is the older couples enjoying the life you used to have & now have lost. This is strange, but simple. Yesterday I went out to an orchard & bought some fresh cider and then to a farmer’s market where I purchased a beautiful bouqet of flowers (and a piece of baklava
). Also a trip to the beautician for a cut & color. It filled the day and gave me a small lift atleast for a moment or two.I am glad that your winter is coming to an end. That did seem to be the hardest time of the year for me. With the short days & cold and snow. Atleast snow is one thing you can be glad you don’t have to deal with! Our summer here has not been too great. The past few days have finally warmed up, but now it is almost over. I am hoping it may last a bit into the Fall since it started so late.
Pauline, I hope things are going OK in Rome.
Everyone take care. I am thinking of all of you.
Love to All,
DarlaJoyce that skunk issue sounded a bit too exciting for me.
Pauline,Darla,I am really keen to get away for a break of some sort but I am concerned about how it will go.I havent been away for a year now and with my son a lot better it seems doable-either a family holiday or just me
BUT-will it be just too weird or will I be ok with it.I ts hard to even imagine locking up and packing the car alone.Joel always packed the car,he could make all the stuff fit.I dont really expect the boys help here.
I expect it has to be tried.
I live in a coastal village 1hour from Sydney and I seem to be faced with these middleaged and older couples all the time-out for the day or down here for a short break,strolling,lunching etc.I didnt notice them that much before.
Anyhow my best to you all during this ongoing difficult time.Sometimes its just little things that can help us,give a lift-we need to identify what they are and try them love from Janet getting to the end of winterDear All,
Just want to tell you all that I am thinking of you, and hope you are all doing OK – tough, tough times, but we are making it – one day at a time.
Lets see – what is new for me? Well, Flash got sprayed by a skunk, and that has caused all KINDS of trouble. After days of agony, and many bottles of “Nature’s Miracle skunk odor remover”, tomato juice, lots of elbow grease, he uis ALMOST back to normal. Needless to say, he was very unhappy, and – so was I!Well – that’s it – the big exctement in my life this last week!
Love – joyce
Dear Pauline,
I know exactly how you are feeling. Right now with the shop & all the health issues with my parents it really isn’t easy for me to get away, but even so, going places we have been is really not so comforting. It is sad & lonely and as you said, everyone seems to have someone. Unfortunately, staying home in bed is not the answer either. I too wonder if life will ever be worth living again, but we can only hope that in time it will become a bit easier. All we can do is keep busy & keep trying our best to get by.
Lots of Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear All,
I hope you are ok. I am in Rome and finding it all too hard. It is a year ago today since the funeral and I have kept very busy but it is boiling hot and there are too many sad memories. I wish I had just stayed at home in bed! I wonder if life will ever seem worth living again?
I am thinking of you all. I feel like I am the only person in Rome on my own! I am pleased your son is a bit better, Janet, and I hope your sister is doing ok. You do have a lot on your plate! I hope you are taking care of yourself, Darla. I know how hard this period is for you. How are you Sue, Joyce, Patty and Cyndi?
Take care everyone!
Love
PaulineHi All,
I hope everyone is doing OK. I think of all of you & how things are going for everyone. It is such a hard time for all of us, isn’t it? I am struggling with the memories of the last weeks before Jim passed on. I too am just trying to get by one day at a time. I try to keep busy and to remember the good times we had, but all the rest keeps pushing in.
Janet, how are things going for your sister? It is so hard to have to face all of these things along with dealing with the grief of having lost our life partner and no longer having them here to lean on for strength, comfort & support.
Atleast we have this site and all the wonderful people here to share our thoughts and feelings with. Knowing there are others out there sharing our pain & sorrow that truely understand what we are all going through is comforting.
Everyone take care & keep on trying to get by as best you can. For now that is about all we can do.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear everyone
This thread is being neglected!I hope everyone is travelling ok.I know,Pauline you have had a stressful time lately and Darla and Joyce all the memories of last year.Sue,how is the work going?
I am going along ,just going along.My son ,Roland is a lot better and that is better for all of us.I am managing 1 day per fortnight at work.
I am very concerned about my sister as you know she was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks before Joel died and I speak to her every day-she lives in Queensland. love to all JanetPauline, I want to join Janet in telling you that we are all thinking of you as you come up on the anniversary of Anthony’s passing. How terribly, terribly sad this all is. I am crying as I think of what to write, even. But do know that we all are here to comfort one another through this cruel journey.
Love – Joyce
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