Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Hello dear friends,
How are you all doing?
I hope you are well..The memorial was somewhat dissappointing as the pastor kept plugging himself & told everyone how he got the chapel for me rent-free & how I’d found him on the internet. It was embarrasing. But everyone seemed pretty forgiving of that.
I winged the eulogy & did a pretty bad job of it, cutting it short when I felt like I was going to lose it & cry, but again everyone was really forgiving & said I did a good job in spite of this.
There was a strange man who appeared & sat down in the middle of the service & noone knew who he was. He said he was a contractor & had met Larry at work but couldn’t say where. It was pretty obvious that he was a food chaser who’d just popped by to eat. (The food was very good).
Everyone said Larry probably would’ve gotten a kick out of him & found it pretty funny. I believe they’re right.Magic, I hope your mother is recovering well from her knee surgery.
I understand your worry. I was extremely worried when my mother (at 75) underwent open heart surgery. I didn’t think she could endure the surgery, much less all the post-op pain but she recovered rapidly & said she never felt any pain which was a huge relief to me. I pray it is the same for your wonderful mom.There was a lady at Larry’s memorial service who has had both her knees replaced and successfully battled breast cancer twice with chemo. She had no hair, but a loving smile & she walked (yes walked) over to me & gave me a warm hug & assured me that I would get through this as she had years before when her husband passed. I am amazed at her strength & fortitude.
I bet your mother will be stronger than you imagined too.Keeping you in my prayers & my thoughts..
Love, CyndiHello All,
I too hope that everyone is managing as well as possible.
Janet, sorry to hear that you have been low & not feeling well. Glad that you are somewhat improved now. How is work going? My Mom had both knees replaced at about the same age & did really well. I am hoping it will be the same for your Mom.
Joyce, I got my hair cut & colored on Monday. Although it really doesn’t change our situations, it does lift you up a bit. I am sure you will be pleased with the results.
Sue, I am glad that you and Pauline had the opportunity to meet. I only wish we all could have been there with the two of you.
As for me, I am still so sad & lonely. Missing Jim so much, but trying to keep going as best I can. What else can we do?
My Dad has been having some health issues which are also taking it’s toll on my Mom along with all the rest of the family, but things have improved slightly in the past few days.
It is rainy & chilly here again today, but it is supposed to warm up after this. Maybe summer will finally be here!
Cyndi, How are you doing? I hope you are doing OK. Hope to hear from you soon.
Everyone take care.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi everyone,hoping you are all ok.I have been through a very low period but made worse by a very bad case of conjunctivitis-horrific looking eyes and blurred vision for several days,my GP feels I am very run down(as if I didnt know that).It is improving now though.I am planning to work 1 day per fortnight and I have started that.
My mum had a knee replacement yesterday so I am a bit anxious about that-she is 78 love from JanetHello everyone,
I hope you all are doing OK – I am halfway through a work week, and tired tonight. Tomorrow I going to have my hair frosted – big excitement for me – what will i look like?Janet – we haven’t heard from you in a long time – what is going on? Have you gone back to work? Is everything OK? Let us here from you.
Love – Joyce
Thanks Sue,
You have my condolences as well. So sorry for your loss.
I think it’s great that you & Pauline were able to meet each other.
What are the chances of being close enough to do that via the internet?
I’d guess pretty slim! I’m way over here in the USA myself.Thx for the nice msg..
I hope everyone is doing well today..Hugs, Cyndi
Dear Cyndi,
I would like to add my condolences to those of my dear friends.
As they have said, we have been through what you are going through now, and although the sadness is still there for me, time does take a little of the edge away, so even though you cant believe it now, the pain will lessen.
We have all got really close over the last few months, it has been a great comfort to me to be able to talk to others who understand, so feel free to “rant” all you like.
I was lucky enough to be able to meet Pauline on Sunday for lunch – it was only as I was going to meet her that although I know her so well, I had no idea what she looked like!
So we can all be friends to you here when you need it.
I am sending you a hug for when you need it.
Love Sue xThank you Darla, Joyce & Pauline for your kind responses & invitation to join your thread. After reading the posts here, I did feel a sense of relief knowing that my situation is not so unique I could see my feelings being written by someone else. A confirmation of sorts that: Maybe I’m not completely crazy afterall & People actually get through this (although it still amazes me how) I think this site is wonderful for putting me in touch with someone who can actually help me. You folks are very understanding & kind. Thank you.
Going to be real busy for awhile with relatives/memorial service, etc so may not post back for a spell (or could be later today -who knows with a borderline crazy person. You’ll probably see a post or 2 from me whenever I am having trouble wearing my “I’m okay” face. (I hope you like to read!)
I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your loved ones. My sincere condolences.
Take care & stay strong for each other..Love,
CyndiDear Cyndi,
I too am very sorry to hear of your suffering. It is important for you to know that you are not alone. Everything you have said is normal and we have all gone through similar emotions and experiences since we lost our husbands last year.
It is very early days for you and I think you are still in a terrible state of shock where nothing makes sense and you feel desperate. I felt the same in those early months. You aren’t crazy but I know it feels like it. You are full of grief and others find it hard to give comfort. I can only suggest that you talk to Larry as though he is there, that you don’t dread the memorial and that you don’t say goodbye to him ever. Say what you want to say, not what you feel is expected of you. Tell him how much you love him and miss him and cry whenever you need to. I am not religious but I keep my Anthony in my heart and in my thoughts at all times and I imagine he is around to take care of me. This helps to keep me going, even though I feel that the best part of me died with Anthony nearly a year ago.
The other thing I found helpful was to write myself lists of things to do every day and to make sure I did them. These might just be small practical things but they can help. Why not think of how you want the memorial to be and then invite your family round to talk to them about what you would like. I am sure they will support you with this if you ask them. People often need to be given guidance on what you need or would like.
Please keep coming here to talk to us. We feel your sadness and we understand it. Take care!
With love
PaulineDear Cyndi,
I just read your posting. I am so, so sorry for your loss, and we do understand how you feel. We are all trying to learn how to live this new life, and we liked the old life much better, the one where we all had our husbands and life was good. We just bumble along, leaning on each other for comfort now, and at least we do have each other, so it makes it much easier. I don’t like to think that people are deliberately unkind – they just have absolutely NO idea what this is like, and I think they don’t like to face either us or the situation – it makes them “uncomfortable”, I think. You are right , though, it is almost as if we died ourselves. It does get better, Cyndi – not good, but better. We “adjust” a bit, and the pain is not as sharp. We will be here for you anytime you need us.Love – Joyce
Dear Cyndi,
I’m glad you joined in our thread. All of us here know exactly what you are going through & how you are feeling as we share all of it with you. Please join in whenever you need to & vent all you want. We are all going through the same things as you and truely understand. Everyone here is so helpful & supportive. Others who have not had to go through what we have just can not truely understand. And now we don’t even know how to go on or how we fit in any more. I feel so badly for you as I know how it feels. It just hurts so much. I know how hard the next few days are going to be with the memorial service coming up & all that you will have to deal with. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you will be able to get through it all OK. Come on & talk all you want. Here there is always someone to listen & we won’t turn away. Take care & know that we are all here for you.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaI’ve been reading this thread, nodding & crying a lot because I am right there too. Struggling every day desperately trying to find myself since my wonderful husband Larry passed away 4/13/09 from this dreaded disease. Every day it just gets harder to go on. I used to wake up crying, now I wake up screaming his name pleading for him to come back & rescue me. All the things you said about people just not understanding & having to put on that “I’m OK face” if you don’t want to send them running is so true. I have family 20 minutes away, but they avoid me now & I feel further hurt by this. Sometimes I feel as though I am the one who died & the loneliness & isolation becomes unbearable. I come here just to assure myself that I’m not going completely crazy. Larry always encouraged me to lean on him for support. Now that he’s gone, I keep leaning, but I just fall over because he isn’t here to catch me anymore. I feel like my life ended with his.
I’m alone now & realize I must invent a new life for myself. But inside, I just want my old life back with Larry behind me, giving me the strength that only he seemed to know how to give. I’m having a memorial service for him in a few days. I am dreading it because I feel I must say goodbye to him there & I’m not ready to do that. I can’t even finish writing his eulogy because I just break down in tears. I’m just so lost & heartbroken. I never expected things to end this way for us. So dissappointed, so exhausted & so unbearably sad living in a world I no longer recognize.
I’m sorry for venting, but only you understand the pain I’m feeling & I need to talk about it with someone who won’t turn away.
I’m sorry you are all going through this too. It hurts.
CyndiHello Everyone,
Pauline and Sue – we would so love to be able to be there to meet up also – it got me thinking again about plans to have a vacation together next winter – I hope those plans come togetehr and we are able to do that.
I took an extra day off this week and worked on the weeding of my gardens – I love to garden, but there is an awful lot of work involved, isn’t there? Last weekend my Granddaughters stayed with me, and yesterday was ALex’s 15th birthday, so I have been busy – I like to stay busy, just not QUITE as busy!!
The weather here is indefinite, also – some beautiful days, and a lot of rain. I reseeded my lawn, so the rain is welcome. I also had a new concrete walkway poured (the old one was bad), new driveway, and new retaining wall out front. It looks very nice, and I am pleased. The problem is, everytime I do something, I am happy, but then I start thinking that Butch should be here to enjoy it with me, and – he should be! Life just isn’t fair, and I guess it is going to stay that way!
I do find that I am up and down – missing Butch, always, and only able to enjoy fleeting moments of enjoyment before the darkness settles in again. Last night I dreamed – just before I woke up from the chair to go to bed – that Butch was here and went ahead into the bedroom and called tot he living room and told me to wake up and come to bed. It was so real – I thought it was true for just a moment 0 then i realized I was alone. I dream of him so seldom, it was uncanny – how real it felt.
I am going to get out there and mow the “North 40” before it gets too warm, so – everyone – my thoughts are with you all as we move along life’s highway.
Love, Joyce
Hi Everyone,
I hope everyone is doing OK as we work our way through another weekend.
Pauline–I too am going through what you are and agree that it all does take its toll & is very exhausting. It also seems to make us vulnerable to being upset over even the smallest of problems. You do seem to be trying to channel some of this into postive things and I think that is very admirable of you. It isn’t easy, as it does bring back all of the issue that we have faced. Let us know how that is progressing.
I am glad that you & Sue are going to be able to get together on Sunday. It would be so nice if we could all be closer to one another & could get together over a cup of coffee now & then, but for now we will have to rely on the internet.
I hope things went OK with the repairs in Italy & that you enjoyed your time with your mum & sister.
Summer here has still not truely arrived. We get one good day & then it is back to cold & rainy. In one respect I am hoping that warm & sunny weather will help my spirits, but then again, it was so nice last summer when we were dealing with all of this & it was 90 degrees the day Jim passed, so it may just bring on more sadness. Who knows.
Every one take care & try to have as good a weekend as possible. Keep busy & stay in touch. I am thinking of all of you.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHello everyone,
How are you? I have been pretty low, verging on the explosive and now calmer again and all this in the space of a week or so. All these one year ago memories are taking their toll, I think.
I’m back in London and working hard. I’m looking forward to meeting Sue on Sunday as she is passing close to London on her way back up north.
I have another meeting with the hospital tomorrow to find out about progress on their work for cc patients, so I am hoping for some positive news although I find this all very hard as well with all the memories and short comings in Anthony’s case. At the same time I feel I have to keep trying to ensure things are improved for other patients. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I hope you are all ok and keeping busy as usual.
Take care everyone and keep in touch!
With love
PaulineDear Everyone,
I am still here in Italy and it’s very hot, beautiful and sad. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to experience the hot weather without feeling so sad for the memories it brings. I am keeping busy, though, as family have come for a few days to be with me. Sometimes, I need to be left on my own to think and it’s hard with people staying. You’re right, Joyce, we have to have time to grieve.
The builders came and did the damp work that Anthony was trying to do when he first got pain this time last year. That was hard for me and, of course, I had to make sure they did it absolutely right. It’s not finished yet so fingers crossed it will turn out ok or I’m going to be very upset!
I am thinking of you all and hope you are ok. Let’s all make sure we give ourselves the time we need when we need it. Congratulations to Sam. That’s wonderful, Sue, and what better profession than a doctor to help others in need! I would love you to come over when you’re in London and will send you an email later in the week when I get back home.
Take care, Darla, Sue, Janet and Joyce and everyone else!
With love
Pauline
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