Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Dear Friends,
We heard on Friday that Sam has passed her practicals so she is now officially Dr Samantha Plummer! We went out for a meal just sam, her boyfriend and my Mum, and it was a lovely evening but tinged with sadness as all Ray wanted to do was to live long enough to see her graduate, he was only 8 months off donig that he did so well.
We wanted to do something for him so I took Sam to the stone masons to choose a headstone for Ray, and out of all of them she chose the exact same one as me, very plain , elegant and made of a fossilised wood which gave it a beautiful appaearance. We have agreed that she will have a photo of her in her graduation gown laminated and we will put that under the headstone.
Apart from that it has been a busy weekend, gardening, shopping for Sams ballgown for her graduation ball, and helping my Mum with her jobs in her house.
We do seem to be kept busy dont we – I suppose it is good in one way but it is quite exhausting!
I like all of you find it so sad that we will have to live the rest of our lives not being able to share the ups and downs with our husbands, I read something the other day which said that you are never without kisses or hugs as you still have all those ever given to you in your life, so I will have to try to think that way and not be greedy for more.
Janet, life seems to be treating you very harshly at the moment, but I am sure you will have the inner strength to cope. We are all thinking of you.
Joyce, Darla, I hope you have a good week, we will have to look at the flowers in the graden and try to get joy out of them ourselves this year – I seem to have lots of birds in the garden this year, or perhaps it is because I am noticingthem more as Ray lovedthem and knew all their names and calls.
Pauline, where in London do you live? I am driving back from Portmouth Sunday 7th June, if you are free wouldyoulike tomeet up for a coffee somewhere, it would be lovely to meet you? Drop me an e-mail if you can.
Lots of love to all,
Sue xHello to all of you,
I am on my way to a holiday picnic with my Mom & Dad – old friends who live on the river in the country, about a half hour from here. Lots of ducks and geese in her yard, and she is a great cook – it is just difficult because Butch and I used to go there a couple of times a summer along with my Mom & Dad, and – of course – I am missing him not going with us. I am sure you have all gone through this many times, however, it still hurts me.Janet, you have had your hands full. I try to make sure to take the time to properly mourn Butch, and you must take that time for Joel, also, no matter how hectic things get. I read that if we don’t do it now – we will do it later, so it is important. Yu know, 4 months is not very long, so grief is still fresh for you, as indeed it is for us all, I suppose, just shorter for you.
I saw the banner headline – that they have discovered a chemo combo that will work better for future (and present) cases of CC, and I am so happy for the people who will be able to make use of this. I am sure that this is only the beginning of a treatment plan which will help so many people. I am happy for the people who will be helped, and sad because it came too late for our husbands.
To each of you – I am thinking of you and hoping you are surrounded by people who love you (as I am), people that can help comfort you in this, our time of grieving.
Love – Joyce
Dear people
It has been 4 months now since Joel died,sometimes it feels like a really long time ago and other times it feels just like yesterday but it always feels terrible and I still cry if I talk about him-not to family but anyone else.I feel as if too much has happened since-my sons mood problem and my sisters cancer diagnosis,sometimes I think I havent had space to grieve properly because so many seem dependant on me.
One thing though,I always say Im no good when people ask and Im never without my sunnies especially walking round the supermarket.
Joel really liked Monk,it was one of his favourites and Foyles War which also has the widower theme.
We also have a long weekend coming up Queens birthday ,who knows why we have that one-but its usually cold and is the opening of the ski season in the Snowy Mountains.
I hope everyone has a bit of a lift soon as it seems to be all up s and downs(even though the ups are not that great and dont last!) love from JanetHi Everyone,
I am sorry that we all appear to be feeling quite down as it is so sad, but as Pauline said, atleast it validates the fact that what we are going through is right for us in our situation, a “normal” part of this grieving process, if there is such a thing as normal anymore. There are days I do wonder if it is just me & am I crazy or is something wrong with me that I keep feelilng like this. Knowing that we are all having the same thoughts & feelings is comforting and helps me to go on. It also tells me how much we loved our husbands & how much they are all missed. They were & still are a very big part of our lives.
It sounds like you are all trying hard to keep busy. I find that does help, but some days I just can’t motivate myself & then I can feel the sadness mounting inside. Pauline, you are right, being able to wear sunglasses does help, as the tears seem to come on so easily and sometimes unexpectedly for no apparent reason.
I thought the longer, warmer days would help, but like you I still find myself going to bed early, sometimes before it is dark out & then of course I am up way too early in the mornings & can not get back to sleep. I also find myself reading about death, cancer, loss of a spouse, life after death etc. Even some of the fiction I am attempting seems to be on those lines. I also find myself watching TV & the subject is there. I particularly like MONK which is about a man with phobias who lost his wife tragically & can not get over it. (It does also have a humorous side, which helps.) I do find it hard to focus & concentrate for the most part so it usually takes me longer to get through a book.
It has been in the 80’s here the past few days. I think we may get one more good day & then cooler & rainy, again!
Joyce, I am glad you are looking forward to the long week end. You do have a great attitude. I just feel like one day is just like another & a long weekend is just an extra day to try to fill. I used to look forward to having a few extra days & planning to do things together, but alone, it is just another long lonely day. I think about what we would be doing if Jim were still here. I think I need to adjust my attitude and get out & do something!
I am thinking of all of you and I hope we can all start to feel a bit better soon. Carry on ladies & keep on trying to keep busy. Hopefully we can all get through the long holiday weekend without too much difficulty. Take care.
Love & Hugs To All,
DarlaDear all,
Well at least there’s comfort in knowing that we’re all feeling pretty much the same. That always helps me to think I’m normal rather than crazy! In Italy the weather is hot and sunny and I have been putting all the geraniums in their pots. Last year Anthony was here when I did them. He was tired but I remember him looking out of the bedroom window while I was doing them and saying “they look lovely love”. He was always so kind and gentle and said lovely things to me like how nice I looked even when I know I was looking pretty rough! How I miss him!
I have been going out to the shops to get the flowers and things and every time I drive through the beautiful countryside I cry. It’s a good job it’s sun glasses weather or the people in the shops would wonder what is going on.
I have been going to bed really early, even before sunset some days, just so I can think I’ve got through another day. I am reading a book by Sheila Hancock about the death from cancer of her husband, John Thaw (Inspector Morse to those who know it). Of course, this makes me cry even more but I can’t concentrate on any other genres.
Well it’s 8.45 and it’s actually getting dark and so I’m off to bed slightly later today!
Take care all of you. Let’s keep going anyway! Going where? You may well ask! More shopping to do tomorrow!
Thinking of you and hoping you’re feeling a bit better than I am!
Love
PaulineDear Friends,
Ditto for me! I was driving home from work tonight, and started thinking about that smile – Butch had a famous smile, and I just loved it – it could light up a room. I started wondering when was the last time I saw that smile – I think before he had the pulmonary embolism in early March. I never remember seeing that smile again. Even though he lasted until October 9, he was so sick, and so worried, the joy was gone, and he was such a joyful man prior. It breaks my heart to think of that. I am having an awfully hard time with this spring. I, too am keeping busy, working on the yard and flowers, but it just seems all wrong – I want my sweetheart back here enjoying the spring with me! I guess we all feel the same, and it makes me so sad.Sue – I , too, congratulate Sam on her accomplishment, and think Ray is looking down, proud of her and loving you both. We got Butch’s memorial stone up last week – in time for Memorial Day, and I feel so much better now that I have something to look at when I go there – don’t ask me why – I certainly know he is not there, however, I feel close to him there, and the stone is very nice – so it pleases me to have gotten it up.
Pauline and Darla – I know how you all feel – it IS easier to pretenxd everything is OK, but – it really isn’t, and it frustrates all of us, doesn’t it? This grieving thing is a lot tougher than I even understood it to be – it just goes on and on. I am so grateful to have you all for my friends (you too, janet), and don’t know what I would do without you to communicate with!
Anyway – it is going to be a lovely week here, and I am looking forward to tghe long gholiday weekend – lots of yard work to do!
Love – Joyce
Hi Everyone,
I too will join in. First it was good to hear from you Sue. I hope Sam does well, as I am sure she will, and you can celebrate her graduation knowing that even though he is no longer physically here, Ray will be with you in spirit and is very proud of her accomplishments.
I have to agree that the better weather is really bringing me no comfort either. I had hoped it would help lift my spirits some, but it just seems to make be feel more sad & lonely and brings back all the memories of last year before all of this started. I try to keep busy, but there really seems to be no point to any of it.
Pauline, I feel like you that when we are honest about our feeling it seems to put most people off but to pretend everything is OK (which I too do most of the time) is just so exhausting and frustrating, because it is not OK and most just do not understand. I am sure, Pauline, that most people think you are on “holiday” in Italy & are relaxing and enjoying yourself, getting your life back into perspective and “normal” once again. They just don’t get it, do they? Our lives will never be the same & nothing will hold the happiness and joy it did in the past. There will always be that sadness & loneliness to deal with.
I am also dealing with a lot of other issues, both big & small, which come up day to day that just seem to be dragging me down. It was so much easier to cope when Jim was here to lean on. We could always count on each other to be there when needed. As long as we had each other there was nothing that couldn’t be dealt with, but alone it is all so daunting & overwhelming.
So, now I too have had my moan. I will now carry on with trying to keep myself & my mind active & busy to get me through another day. I am going to try to think more positively today also. Thanks to all of you for being here to listen. It really is good to know we have somewhere to go where we can say what we want & everyone truely understand. If anyone else wants or needs to vent and get things out, please feel free to join us. It does help to know that you are not going through all of this alone.
Pauline, I am going to get going on my list for the day, too.
Everyone take care & I do hope we can all have as good a week as possible.
I am thinking of all of you & hoping for better days ahead for all of us.Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear friends,
It’s good to hear from you Sue. I think this onset of better weather is hard, isn’t it? I suppose it’s because it normally signals happy times and long relaxing days and yet all we have are sad memories of those days. I try to keep up with everything too and make sure the garden is looking nice. I’m not really sure why but it seems like the right thing to do.
I hope all goes well with Sam’s exams. You will have something to celebrate but I know it will be hard for both of you without Ray. You will have to raise a few glasses to him!
I like the idea of a permanent memorial. I hope you can get it done. I also understand about finding it hard to explain to people how you are feeling. As time goes on there are fewer we can open up to. I spend most of the time pretending to be ok. Yesterday someone asked me if I was enjoying myself in Italy and I realised that they have absolutely no idea of how I feel. I don’t even have the concept of enjoyment any more! I don’t know if it’s better to be honest and try to explain how I feel or just to say I’m ok. Sometimes I get frustrated and am honest but mainly I pretend. I find that if I’m too honest they tend to “run a mile” anyway so it’s counter productive. I had so much more support when Anthony was ill and I was coping well. It’s a strange life, isn’t it?
Anyway, I’ve had a good moan too now. Does anyone else want to join in? Back to trying to keep busy! Must write another list!
Take care everyone
Love
PaulineHello friends,
I hope you are all coping as best you can.
I am finding that the house and garden seems to take up so much of my time at the moment it is exhausting. I was looking forward to the spring and summer, but the garden seems to have a life of its own, and it is unbearably sad that Ray cant be here to look forward to the better weather and to see Sam graduate in July.
Also the house feels strange. It doesn’t feel as if it is our home any more, it is just a place for me to live.
Anyway, Sam has her last exams this week, so hopefully (fingers crossed) we will have somethng to celebrate at the weekend.
I am also in the process of arranging Rays headstone. I have found it quite daunting, but hopefully we all agree on the time of stone and wording (a lesson in compromise!) and I can get it ordered so he has a permanent memorial.
I am glad I can talk to you here, especially now a few months on, everyone seems to think I should be OK now, but I know you all understand when I have a bad day and it is such a relief to be able to “have a moan” here without thinking that I am moring or murdening you with my feelings!
Anyway, i willtry to think positive today!
My love to all of you
Sue xDear Everyone,
It’s good to hear from you as always. I understand your feelings about the change of season, Janet. I actually found in autumn a sense of beautiful sadness. I did a lot of walking on the common near our home in London as well as in the Tuscan hills when I came over to Italy. It really helped me to reflect. I wanted rid of summer and all those awful memories linked to those long, warm days but, like you I didn’t like the idea of a season Anthony hadn’t seen. Winter was quite hard for me too as the others have said. I think it’s all the hours of darkness. I hope your winter won’t be so bad!
I understand how you are drawn to those programmes about cancer, Joyce. I am too. They are so sad but I find that sense of common experience makes them unavoidable. I also know that you can be left feeling very low because of the hoplessness of it. I hope getting busy again this weekend has helped you.
I am in one of my low moods after a few weeks of keeping very busy and I think this is my pattern at present. I am trying to pull myself back up a bit and am giving myself some goals this week. I am thinking of a memorial I am going to hold at home in London in July for Anthony and what I would like it to contain. I am also trying to get some of the books he was working on before he died published. There is one on linguistics and another on French poetry which was his great love.
I also need to get the damp work in the hall here done. This is so important to me because Anthony was working on it exactly a year ago when he first got the leg pain that was the beginning of his final stage. At the moment, I tend to come in by the side door to avoid looking at it.
Anyway, the weekend is nearly over, which I always find a relief. I still find these long Saturday evenings and Sundays the worst days, don’t you?
I am thinking of you all. I hope your weekends have been ok, Darla, Joyce, Janet and Sue.
Take care!
Love
PaulineHello All,
Janet – Toyota Corollas are great cars, and if I hadn’t gotten the Prius – I would have gotten a corolla – I have owned a couple of them. Good luck on the return to work – it is a step toward “normalization” (whatever the heck that really means).
Pauline – I am so glad you are meeting Marion in Barcelona – that conference sounds interesting, and – maybe – you can find some time to go sight-seeing and visit, also.
Spring is here, but this is kind of “yo-yo” weather – yesterday was lower 70’s – sun shining, beautiful – today – cool and rainy. Oh well, at least the rain helps my new grass to grow! I just had a new retaining wall built between the sidewalk and the driveway (the old one was collapsing!), and next week I am having the driveway paved.
My garage sale was a big success – I got rid of a ton of stuff, and made $300.00 – pretty good, huh? I was happy with the results – freed up some
space around here.Last night I watched the special on TV – the Farrah Fawcet filming. It was so horribly sad, but I felt like I had to watch. She is making a call for help for these little known cancers (she has anal cancer) , and it is a very brave thing she did – having this filmed. She had operations in Germany, to remove the tumors, and chemo & radiation, and it returned, just like it did with Butch, so it was a very familiar story to me. It probably did me no good to watch that – today I am really bummed out.
Well, ladies – off I go – to start another Saturday of cleaning, chores, and weekend duties!
Love – Joyce
Hi people I have attended my technology update and am back on the roster next week-only one day per week.
I have my new car,a toyota corolla and I have my youngest sons driving test to book.It has been put off with everything going on and he has been very patient.I hope your weather in the northern hemisphere is shaping up,how it affects our moods!I hope everyone is surviving the downturn in the economy love from JanetHi people I think the season thing struck a chord with me as Joel was diagnosed in the O ctober and died in mid January which was the middle of summer here.We had a heatwave going on and it was actually 40degrees(about 104) on some days including the day of the funeral.It was also busy round here as the place was full of tourists.It just gave the situation a surreal quality.My son was on his long uni break and it was bizzarre that when he started back he had lost his dad over the couse of the uni holidays.
So the summer had a really odd feel to it.We loved the summer and had barbeques a couple of times a week but since Joel died we havent touched it.So in a lot of ways I was glad to see the end of summer and I have enjoyed the Autumn more. for me though just experiencing a change of season alone is weird.
It was sad about Jeff-he was a great character
Hope everyones weekend goes okay-I am already well into my weekend before you start yours as I am many hours ahead of you.
love from Janet our temp is about 65 and we are 2 weeks from winterHi Everybody,
It is so sad about Jeff. He was such a comfort & inspiration to everyone here. He will be greatly missed by all of us.
Pauline, I do know what you are saying. I too just feel like I do what needs to be done & then do it again the next day, over & over. Just trying to keep busy, but it never lasts and then you start to think & feel all the pain, sorrow, sadness & loneliness once again. Jim’s illness started in the middle of July & he passed away on September 2nd. It was 90 degrees that day. Summers will always be filled with sadness for both of us.
The past 2 days here have been nice , but tomorrow it is back to the cold & dreary rain. I don’t know which is worse. Certainly the winter with all the snow we got this past year was the hardest for me. Especially when the days were so short & the nights so long.
I think tomorrow is the full moon & I too think of how it shines on all of us and also that it is a sign that our loved ones are watching over us from above.
I hope that everyone has things to do to keep busy over the weekend.
Everyone take care.Love,
DarlaHello, Friends,
I stopped in tonight, and the first thing I saw was the posting about our Jeff. I am so sad. He was the 1st person Butch ever communicated with on this site (yes, Butch communicated before I did!). He was such a great guy, and we will miss him terribly. He lasted 9 years – I know that must be a record,and it was such a beacon of hope for so many people.I know what you mean Pauline – I am grateful to have my work – have always loved it, and still do – just would like a bit less of it. I can’t have it both ways though, – I got to resume my career after my LOA, and I can’t slow it down if I want to keep it a while!
have been doing some gardening – in my flower beds – and – I mowed the lawn tonight. Lawn mowing hasn’t been my job for quite some time, but – it is not the worst thing I have had to do!
I am looking out my window as I type, and I see the full moon up there in the sky. I get comfort from thinking that it is shining on all of us (well, not sure about you Janet – might not be night there!), and somehow I think of that moon as being our loved ones looking down on us. I am thinking of that old song from the 40’s – “My sweethearts’ the man in the moon”.
I am busy hoeing out my house – neighborhood garage sales are Saturday, & I am cleaning out – hope to get rid of a bunch of stuff.
Love to all of you,
Joyce
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