Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Janet,
I agree with Joyce. You have to do what feels right for you. I know that people mean well & try to do things that they feel are right, but there is no way that they can know what we are feeling and are all going through unless it has happened to them. Only you know what is right for you at the moment. All of the first anniversarys are so hard to deal with as we are all finding out and we all have to do it in our own way & time. Right now we have to take care of ourselves and do what we feel is best for us. From what you said it sounds like she has been very supportive and I am sure she will be understanding of what ever you decide to do. I think it is great that your Mom is so supportive and understanding of your feelings also.
End of summer sounds strange to me too as we are looking forward to spring & the end of a cold and snow filled winter!
Take care Janet.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi Janet,
You have to do whatever you feel most comfortable with. If you can turn it around in your mind and go in HONOR of your husband’s birthday, that is one way to look at it. However, if it is going to bother you, just call her and explain – I am sure she will understand. This is a time in our lives when other people just need to understand that we have to go by our feelings, and what is comfortable for us – if it doesn’t feel right, I don’t do it!By the way – it sounds so funny for me to here you say “end of summer” party – and we are just getting rid of the snow here in the States!
Hugs – Joyce
Hi people I have a dilemma coming up.My sister in law has the same birthday as my husband,Joel April 2nd.She rang to say that they are having an”end of summer” drinks afternoon on the 5th.I did gather though that it was really a birthday do.My mother rang and said “if you dont want to go I wont either”I am unsure how it will affect me but I dont think I will feel good if I dont go either.She is turning 36 and she.. has actually been the most supportive of all my in-laws. Janet
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Hello Everyone,
Well, I did get the car. It is really nice, besides being “green”, and I will averagee 48 MPG – 55 on the highway! The fact that I bought it used – it is a 2004 – makes it even “greener”. there is a box on the dash that shows what is happeneing as itswitches back and forth – the “hybrid” part kicking in, etc. I am the envy of all my male coworkers at my work – women don’t seem to care as much! I haven’t picked up the composter yet – later this week, I think.Good going, Sue – you can sign on as a handyman pretty soon, don’t you think? Also, I imagine we have all been spending too much, and it will have to slow down, but, I DO think we need to be kind to ourselves right now. That’s why I suggested a vacation next winter – something for us all to look forward to. There is not much of that in our lives at the moment, and we need something to look forward to? I hope you got your computer problems solved – how annoying!
Pauline – I think we are all up & down – I can be “almost normal” one minute, and then plummet down the next. I just always try to remember that Butch wanted me to live a full life and to regain some pleasure out of living – he asked me to do that. I am sure that your husbands would have wanted the same thing for all of you. So I struggle along, and someday perhaps life will become pleasurable again – it is kind of hard to see that from here, I will admit. I am grateful that I found all of you to talk with – it helps so much.
Darla – I HAVE to believe that we are done with the snow, BUT , it has snowed here before in May, so you just never know! I agree – we are functioning on the surface, but just below – it is turmoil, and anxiety, and sadness. I still come home to an empty house every night (well- I should mention Flashy), and that is not going to change, is it? I have started cooking for myself better, but I take no pleasure in it, and I used to LOVE to cook. It’s just no fun for just me, I guess.
Hugs around – Joyce
Hi Friends,
I have been hving computer problems again! My computer has been working at a snails pace so have not been able to log on till now.
Welcome Janet, where abouts do you live? We are all spread around the world but can come together her to chat when we need to.
The weather has been good here this weekend, so I took the opportunity to paint the new fence panel I had put up last week. (Thats another story – I was ripped off with the price and the job isn’t great, but the guy did at least buy the 150cc scooter that has been in the garage since Rays death so I suppose it is swings and roundabouts!) Anyway, I found a spray gun and ended up repainting the whole garden fence. After that I ached all over, but felt inordinately pleased with myself! Another thing off the to-do list!
How is the new car Joyce? It is good to have a warrenty – at least you know if any problem crops up it will be taken care of!
I like the sound of a holiday where we can get together, Jan/Feb sounds good to me, you can count me in if it is not too expensive!
I too have been spending too much Darla, I have just booked a holiday to Las Vegas with Sam for after her finals, I darent look at the credit card bill. She is having a tough time at the moment, all her Dad wanted was to stay well enough to see her graduate, and he was only 9 months away from that when he died. She has been having nightmares in which she has failed her exams and her Dad tells her how dissappointed he is with her – I have told her it is all the stress of her exams, she probably knows this but it doesnt make it easier for her.
I do think any bereavement changes your attitude to things and instead of saving everything up for the future, I want to do things now – as we all know the future is very unpredictable – so I am not planning too far ahead just now.
I just try to have something to work towards which usually keeps me going. Pauline, when is your next trip to Italy?
I still have up and down days, thank goodness the nightmares about Rays last few days are getting less. Sometime I will have to put all his videos onto DVDs – that will be good in that I will see him as he was when he was well, but I think I am a bit too raw to cope with that at the moment.
I think we have to treat ourselves kindly, dont you ladies? As my friend says one step at a time and we will eventually get there.
All my love
SueHi there well I have read through the 12 or so pages-it was like reading a book.I am a bit younger and with 3 kids at home-one in the last year of school,one in 2nd year uni and the older one with the bipolar and not up to much.I face daily challenges with the kids,the appliances,the cars(especially the cars)they have all gone wrong lately and I just cry as I deal with it(not with the kids but with the cars and especially with the dishwasher)I feel as if I have never cried so much and I hate it.I just feel that Im not the woman that I was.But my Australian perspective I am in lovely Autumn weather looking towards winter!!I dread it
JanetDear Pauline,
I think you are right. The fact that we can not focus on anything or look to the future, not knowing what that will be or even what we want it to be does make it hard. I feel like I am functioning on the surface level, but deep inside I am still so sad & lonely. There just doesn’t seem to be any real purpose to it all. I still feel that constant turmoil inside & usually am pretty good at keeping it there, but at times it does show through. I too feel that people really don’t want to see it or hear it & are put off by it when my feelings show or I try to talk about it. There are still a few people that are willing to listen & try to understand, but it seems that they are few and far in between.
The thought that some day we could all get together somewhere does give us something to talk about & look forward to, even if it is far in the future, it does give us something to think about anyway.
Here we had one really warm day & now that it is offically spring it is cold again. Even though the seasons keep changing & the weather should be getting nicer, our situation is not changing, we are still alone & still missing our husbands. That will never change. It is comforting to know that we are all in this together and have each other to confide in.
I am thinking of all of you. Take care & I hope that we can all have as good a week as possible.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear friends,
I have had another very low week and seem to be staying down here below the surface at the moment. I just don”t know where things are going and I find it very difficult without an aim in sight.
Having said that it is really nice to come on here and hear from you all. Of course you are welcome Janet. It will be very good to talk to you and let’s hope we can help each other.
Spring is still proving difficult for me. It has been very sunny and beautiful here and, having gone through such a cruel winter, it is very hard to find, at the end of it, that nothing has changed and to know that nothing is going to change.
I am still keeping busy but the turmoil is constantly there. Everything still goes round and round inside and I’m not even disguising it very well at the moment, which is obviously rather off putting for people around me.
However, I will try to make more of an effort as you are all doing. The idea of meeting up sounds really good and it gives us something to think about for the future. Thanks for that.
Take care,
Love
PaulineJanet,
I’m glad you joined us over here. We are all going through the same grieving process and are happy to have you with us. Pauline lost Anthony the end of July last year. My Jim passed on the beginning of September. Joyce & Sue lost there husbands in October and I know that for you it has not been quite so long. We have all been able to share our grief & feelings & be a lot of comfort & support to each other and are happy to have you on this thread with us as we all travel the ups & downs of our journey with grief. It is comforting to know we are not alone & that we are all having similar experiences & problems. It also helps us to realize that what we are going through is a “normal” process, whatever that is. I too think it is great that we are becoming such an international group.
Joyce,
Did you get the car? Is it all you expected it to be? If you are going green, think antiques. It is a type of recycling and I think it would fit in to the “green” catagory.
How was your “dining experience”
at Chuck E Cheese? I went to a place for dinner with my son & daughter-in-law this evening that Jim wasn’t particularly fond of. He would go there, but didn’t really much like the menu.I went out to dinner last night with my Mom & Dad (this place Jim would have enjoyed) and tomorrow I am invited out with friends, so that will help me get through the weekend. I think all of this eating out & shopping to fill time is going to have to stop. Not only is it costly, I may start putting some of the weight on that I have lost. Remarkably, so far, even tho’ I do eat I am still losing. I think it is the fact that I have to do more for myself & also I think that all the stress changes your metabalism or something. Who knows. All I know is that I do eat what I think is a lot & still have been losing. It all started when Jim first got sick & I was running & chasing trying to keep the shop going & also taking care of him. In & out of the hospital etc.
I think if we could figure it out & coordinate it all, it would be great if we could all meet some where some day. I vote for tropical. I’m thinking for me & Joyce next winter (January or February) would be a great time to go. Get us away from all the cold & snow for a bit! I know it is a stretch to even contemplate, but wouldn’t it be fun? I would also love to be able to meet with & chat with all of you. Relaxing on a warm sandy beach would be a big plus too!
For now it is probably just a silly dream, but like you said Joyce, it makes me feel good to atleast think about it.So, everyone take care & try to have as nice a day as possible tomorrow.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi Everyone,
Janet, we would love to have you join us. I don’t think you are different from us, although it IS very difficult for you to have those separate issues to deal with – your Son, etc., and I don’t think it has been as long for you? We are all just women who have lost our beloved husbands over the last year, and are learning to cope with this new world we are living in. You can bring that Australian perspective to our musings! We are quite the international group, aren’t we?
Sue – I looked up “Cooking Holidays” online – I am sure that this will be a wonderful thing for you to do – even though you don’t think you want to now. I would love to do something like that. Actually, I was daydreaming yesterday, and I was thinking – what if we all arranged for a vacation in Cancun (or – the Caribbean, or someplace!), and met there! I would so love to meet you all, and vacations are so much cheaper now – it might be a possiblbility. I know it is a crazy idea, to say nothing of the expense, but – it makes me temporarily happy to think about it! What happened is there was this ad in my e-mail for a trip to Cancun for under $ 800.00, and it got me thinking!
Anyway, I am leaving in about an hour to go to Ithaca, NY – about an hour away. My Brother works for a car dealer there , and he got me a great deal on a used, one-owner, Toyota Prius – with only about 30,000 miles on it. This is the “green” car everyone is talking about – 55 miles to the gallon on the highway. I am also buying a composter this week, also, and intend to compost to enrich my flower gardens. I am buying a 36,000 mile warranty with the car, so – no repair bills, etc. I am actually quite excited. On the advise of my support group, I made a list of things I intend to do with the rest of my life, and one of those things was to be as “green” as I can be – doing my part to save the environment. It has been difficult to have “purpose” over the last few months, and this might be one way of changing that?
Later today, I am taking my Granddaughters to Chuckie Cheese’s to meet up with my Nephew and his Dad – my Brother. It is his 11th birthday, and we are celebrating. I remember Butch used to REFUSE to go to Chuckie Cheese’s – he would go anywhere else, but he hated that place – to much commotion, didn’t like the pizza, etc. So – he must be looking down and laughing at me now! I don’t mind it though – the kids just love it.
I do think I am over that rough patch we all seemed to hit over the last couple of weeks. The problem is – just when I start feeling a bit better, it hits again, and I go back into the dumps! The weather has been lovely – unseasonably warm for March, and I have even been out in the yard cleaning up, but – that makes me think about golf, and golf makes me think about Butch. He did so love to play golf – I probably will never play again
would you believe that I only played a couple of times in my life without him – we always played together!Anyway, have a good weekend – try to keep busy,
Love,
Joyce
Hi I hope you wont mind me joining on to this thread,I didnt quite find it right away.I feel as if Im in such a different position to everyone-I have a son with a mental health problem and things have been so hard without my husband.I miss him so much Janet
Hi Evereyone,
Just checking in to see how everyone is doing.
Pauline, I keep looking back too & remembering how normal life was a year ago. Jim wasn’t even sick and we were so busy going places & doing things. Not knowing or appreciating how little time we had left together. It is truely hard to believe what has all happened & where we are now. I know that life doesn’t have that spark for me or have much purpose anymore either.
I had hoped with the coming of spring things would be better, but I think you are right, we lost all of our hope when we lost our husbands. Now I think how he will never again be here to share these beautiful days with me.
Atleast I know I am not alone and that you all under stand & are having the same feelings. It really is difficult.
Joyce, you are so right it is just a constant roller coaster of ups & downs, isn’t it?
Sue, I hope things are going a little better for you this week.
I am hoping things will start to look up for all of us one of these days.
I hope everyone has plans to keep busy for the weekend. Everyone take care I will be thinking of all of you.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear all,
I keep thinking about this time a year ago too. Anthony was doing really well, the hospital were pleased with him and I even went back to work for a few weeks. I don’t remember much about those weeks(sadly my memory is really bad now) but I do remember we went to our grand daughter’s school to see her play the piano. We loved it and I remember Anthony walking too and from the car, which was parked quite a long way away, without a problem. It was a sunny spring day and I remember Anthony having a little moan at our daughter for driving too fast. It was all so normal and so happy and seems a world away now. You are right, Joyce, you should appreciate each day you spend with the one you love. I know I did but what do we do when life has lost that spark and doesn’t feel precious any more?
Perhaps it is partly the arrival of spring which is making us all feel so low. The end of the dark, cold winter usually feels so positive and beautiful. This spring only brings sadness which seems to be reinforced by the beauty of the spring flowers and the sunshine. It’s usually a season of hope but I guess we lost hope a long while ago.
Anyway, it’s back to planning a busy week. Take care all of you. Thinking of you all through this difficult period.
Love
PaulineSue, Pauline, and Darla,
Sue – I hit a sticky patch, also. I have learned – it isn’t a straight line – it is up and down, up adn down!. I thought when spring arrived, I would feel better, and now I am wishing Butch was here to see the cardinals preparing their nest on the side of our house, as they always do, and I need to tell him that his patch job reshoring up the dirt around the house worked- no leaking in the rec room over the winter! Good job, Butch, Last night, my neighbor was here – watching “madagascar” with my Granddaughter and I, and we were taking about how Butch alwasy patch EVERYTHING up with duct tape – we were laughing, actually. In the midst of that – tears. We do miss our guys so, don’t we?Did I tell you all that I ordered his stone? It will be laid in early May – they can’t do it before thenthey said, as the ground isn’t right. I think it will be easier to go to the cemetary to visit with the memorial in place – right now only a flag is there, and it is not so good. The girlks always want to visit Grandpa when they come to our house – I find that touching. It has become very important to me to get that darm stone up – it is the las thing I can do for Butch and it is important to me – it wouldn’t have mattered the slightest bit to him – he wasn’t interested in things like that.
Well – enough talk about memorial stones and such – back to spring. It is beautiful here, and My Son-in-law is baking a ham dinner for when I take the girls home later today. I bought some fresh pineapple and we are making brownies for our contribution – oh – and some fresj asparagus – so – it will be a lovely, Spring meal. The girls want me to have Easter here, and I probably will – we always have a big easter hunt in my back yard. It will be sad, but – I will be sad wherever I am, so – OK. Last year – we had been to the Mayo Clionic by Easter, and they had told us the tumor was inoperable. It was before we knew the Univercity of Pittsburgh would operate, and I think he was beginning chemo. I have pictres, and – although he was sick – he looks pretty good. Lesson to be learned – life is short – make each day count.
A big hug to all 3 of you, and good thoughts coming your way.
Joyce
Dear Pauline,
I think you are absolutely right. We have all been through so much. For me it was only 2 months, for the rest of you it was a lot longer, but it sure does drain the life right out of you, doesn’t it? I am still tired and exhauasted all the time. It was all so stressful & traumatizing. I am sure it will affect us all to different degrees and in different ways forever. The thought that this all means we are strong & resiliant is somewhat comforting & hopeful.
It really would be great if we were able to get together & talk things over and give each other comfort & support when we are feeling like this, but I guess for now this is the next best thing. Atleast with the internet we can reach out to each other. When the whole internet, computer thing first started, I was not real interested, but I thank God we have it now. without it I would be lost.
I also have things that I should probably be taking care of, but I am just too weary to be bothered right now, especially with all we are dealing with now.
Take care everyone & do the best you can do to get by.
Love & Hugs,
Darla
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