Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Hi Sam,
It is good to hear from you. Your Mom has become a good friend, and we love hearing from her. We have all received so much from our friends on this site.Pauline – glad you are back, and the arm os on the mend. We are all strugling with memory – I guess it is part of the grief process??
Yes – there are lots of new people posting in the grief management section. We must all try to hold each other up. It is wonderful to have you all to communicate with.
It was 50 here yesterday – spring is on the way!
Love – Joyce
Hello everyone,
Well, I made it back from Italy and it is a relief to get my arm out of plaster and to be able to drive and do things normally again. It is very sad to come on here and read all the tragic stories of others who have lost loved ones to this terrible disease. Reading all of the new posts in the grief section has also reinforced for me how much support we give and receive through this forum. It really would be difficult to imagine how I, and all of us, would be without this life line.
I hope you are all managing to cope as best as possible. It is good to hear from you Sam and it is clear from what your mum has aready written that you are a great support to her. When most around us seem to think we’re just ok now, it’s so important to know that we have those close to us who do understnd how we continue to suffer while doing our best to seem normal. It is so good to hear from you too Jeff and I do hope you are doing ok.
I am really struggling with my memory at the moment. I forget the simplest things e.g in the supermarket or at home and, I must admit, I do find it worrying because I’m so scared I’ll forget things about Anthony and our life together. I think I’m going to start writing my memories down for future reference.
It is 7 months tomorrow since Anthony died and the months seem to be going too fast now. I wish time would slow down to keep Anthony closer to me. I know he will always be close but time moving on is worrying me. I am thinking of you Darla as it is almost 6 months since you lost Jim. I am also thinking of you, Sue and Joyce, and of all those of you who have lost loved ones recently. Please keep in touch. Come and join us on here and share your sadness. We do understand.
With love
PaulineHi Sam, It goes without saying, your quite welcome. It is so hard for caregivers. You can rest assured we’ll do our best. Just being able to reach out and vent or knowing someone is out there that knows what it feels like is willing to listen and chat has made me feel better time and time again, especially when those uneventful long lonley days come around. Sometimes just a simple acknowledgement is all that is needed. As a caregiver ,you feel free to jump in any time and share what ever you may want. Thanks for being such a supportive and loving daughter.
God bless,
Jeff G.Hi,
This is my first message on the board,
I am Sue’s daugher, Sam.
I just wanted to say thank you to you all, for being such a fantastic support for my mum when she has needed it the most.
I am always there for her but I also understand her dilemma that as a mother she must feel, not wanting to burden me with her worries/upsets all the time. In having you all to help her through the difficult times, including the times when I am at work/uni/out with friends or unable to get to her, you have provided that much needed support and words of comfort and reassurance.
Also, knowing she is not alone in all this has made her feel better I’m sure.
Thank you all so much!
Sam xJoyce..I am so glad that you are passing on this information about the VA approval. Thanks so much. By the way, Letterman hospital has been gone for quite some time now in fact, the Presidio as you may know it looks quite different now. And yes, I am very pleased for you to be receiving these benefits especiallywith the economy being the way it is. I sure wish for all the other Vietnam Vets to be acknowledged also. Thanks again for the great info and I am hoping for your weather to take a turn real soon.
Hugs
MarionMarion – absoutely, CC is the reason I will be receiving the benefits – Butch was drafted in the early 60,s, even though he had ulcerative colitis. he served 7 months in Vietnam, became ill – near death, as a matter of fact – from the ulcerative colitis, then spent a year in two different army hospitals – 1st in the Phillipines, later on at Letterman in San Francisco. After that, they gave him an honorble discharge, and he received 30 % dbl benefits for the remainder of his life. I have medical records from 3 major hospitals which give the diagnosis last year as 1)ulcerative colitus, 2 – shlerosing cholingitus (darn – I can never spell that!), and 3) cholangiocarcinoma. Since the link went straight back to the colitis, which they were still paying for at the time of his passing, and his death certificate said cholangiocarcinoma – they acknowledge that his death was service related. Unfortunately, they don’t mention the parasites in the water supply, which I also feel is partly responsible, and I wanted that for other veterans to be able to refer to, however, I am very happy that I am to receive benefits, as you can imagine.
Joyce
Joyce… I am so happy for you to be receiving the survivor’s benefits from the VA and that for the rest of your life. Was CC mentioned when it was acknowledged that Butch’s death was service related?
Oh Pauline, I am so sorry that you banged yourself up. I hope you are feeling better today, and can only imagine how that must have made you feel – missing Anthony, in pain – not a gogod situation. I am glad you are amongst kind, helpful people though – that helps so much, I know.
Yesterday I order the stone for the cemetary. They will put it in in early May, they said – they have to wait for proper ground conditions. I was dreading ordering it, and glad it is done. I have been visiting the site, but there is only a little flag there – I need a proper marker to feel like i have done my job correctly!
We went through a warm spell – the “January thaw”, and winter has returned. Not for much longer, I hope. Today is my daughter’s 35th birthday – we are all going out to eat later on today.
I did have some very good news this week. My application for survivir benefits was reviewed and accepted by the veteran’s administration. They acknowledged that Butch’s death was service connected (from his service in Vietnam), and I will receive that benefit for the remainder of my life. It is very welcome news, as you can imagine. I will be receiving a retroactive check, as the benefits begin from the time of his passing. Now we just have to hope that the same thing hapens to Darla’s application.
Work has been better – I have cut back a bit, and that has helped me. I am working on a very interesting problem at the moment, and I like that.
Eveyone, take care – Spring is on the way.
Joyce
Dear friends,
I am still in Italy and the weather is still very cold but it is so beautiful with the sun and the snow on the mountain peaks. Unfortunately, I had an accident on Wednesday and slipped on the ice on the road in front of the house. I fell on my my back and banged my head on the road. Later my arm became terribly painful and I had to go to the hospital where they put it in plaster so I have been pretty well house bound since then.
The worst thing was not the pain or the shock but the fact that Anthony wasn’t there to help me. I could imagine everything he would have done and said. He would have picked me up and brought me in side and made me a cup of tea. Then he would have put me in the car and taken me to the hospital and I would have been fine. Instead I was too upset to do anything but cry until, many hours later, I was in such pain that I had to go to the hospital.
I’m ok now and have very good neighbours here – better than in London. I can laugh now at the major feat it is to get dressed and undressed, showered etc but it has been another big test for me – one I could have done without.
Anyway, I hope you are ok. The decorating sounds good, Sue.
I am thinking of you all.
Take care
PaulineHi Darla,
The week has gone better since I spoke last. I found the problem with the internet was with AOL not me! So I re installed the router and it is working fine now. Every time I do something it gets a little easier to do it the next time. I suppose this is how our husbands learned to do things in the first place and we just assumed they knew instinctively!
I am making progress with the bedroom decorating, I have painted the walls a very pale pink, which Ray wouldnt have liked much but I think it looks better than the fawn we planned to paint it. He was also going to replace the carpet which is blue for a neautal beige, but looking at it I think it looks ok and is still in good condition. Plus if I do replace it it will mean someone coming in to take the doors down and saw some off the bottom which will be a hassle. I know I am rambling about minor things, but these are the thought processes we now go through on our own. I bought some radiator paint taoday and there were two options satin finish and gloss, I chose gloss because it was always what Ray chose, but I think the satin would probably have been better, but what the hell, I am getting on with it and in fact I am very proud of the way it is looking.
So Darla, we may not be as good at doing things, but we are getting there and every step makes it easier to do the next.
I took a rose to Rays grave on Valentines day and it is the first time I have not cried there, instead I told him I was doing my best and I hoped he was proud of me. I think we have to do thinks in our own way now, dont you, we cant do the old things as well as they could, but we can find different ways to do different things.
I know you have a great interest in antiques, and if you do things the same way as Jim it will be too hard, can you find different outlets, or develop your own specialities which would help you find a new path,
Lots of love,
Sue xHi Sue,
I hope things are going a bit better for you this week. It does seem as if we just start to think things are going a bit smoother & then something else happens. It is just one set back after another, isn’t it?
I know the feeling of being a bit restless. You just feel a little off or unsettled and don’t know exactly what or how to make it better. Or if you even want to.
Right now I am trying very hard to find some pleasure again in the antique business that we enjoyed so much before. Jim & I had sort of semi-retired and decided to get more into the antiques as we both enjoyed them so much. We enjoyed buying them, living with them & also sell them. Since he passed on I just don’t find the same pleasure & enjoyment in any of it that I did before. My son & daughter-in-law have shown a lot more interest in it the past few years & have been trying to help me find my way back. We went to an estate sale & also an antique mall on Sunday, which is something I hadn’t done since Jim passed on. Going with them made it a little easier. I don’t think I am ready to go on my own yet. I didn’t buy anything, but it was a nice day & even tho’ my thoughts were of Jim & that he wasn’t here with us, I did enjoy myself. Maybe there is hope for me yet!
Like you said, after all these years, all you really want is the life you had. It is so hard to accept this new life and having to go on alone. You are right. we are still in the learning stages. Hopefully it will get better in time, but I just don’t know.Take care Sue. I hope the rest of your week goes OK.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi Everyone,
At the moment I feel very frustrated! Having managed to install a new wireless router last week which worked like a dreamit suddenly stopped working yesterday and I have no idea what it is, I have tried reinstalling it but that just made the problem worse, so for the time being I am logged on useing my next door neighbours internet connection, which he kindly said I could use. He is an IT guy, so if I ask him I know he would help, but he has a very demanding job and a small family I just dont like putting upon him so I will see if I can fix it tomorrow then I may have to give in and ask him.
I feel very restless as the moment as if I want to get on and do some practical jobs about the place, but I seem thwarted at every turn, I am decorating my bedroom but dont know where the power drill is, and if I find it I am not sure how to put on the wall brackets for the blind!
I am really glad you got to Italy safelt, Pauline, and I think you will feel less isolated now you have the internet. You also sound as if you have some lovely neightbours, enjoy the beautiful countryside and recharge your batteries!
Joyce, I think you werent really crying about the river were you! I have done the same thing over some irrelevant piece of new, it just sometimes seems that any bad news just tips you over the edge. Never mind, they say tears are a good release.
Darla, I agree that in a way we do lose a big part of ourselves when our loved ones die, as I have said before I feel as if I dont really know who I am after so many years married, and it is as if you have to reinvent yourself when all you want is the old you back, but we cant have that anymore. It is hard, although I suppose it will get a little easier over time.
We are all still on a learning curve!
Keep smiling.
Love Sue xHi Everyone,
I’m glad you will be able to keep in touch with us Pauline. It was nice of your kind neighbors to give you such a warm welcome. It sounds like a beautiful place to be to remember Anthony, but as you said, also so sad to be there alone.
It does appear that we are all rather low these days. I too am hoping things will improve a little when the weather gets nicer. Adjusting to living life alone, going places & doing things alone that you always did together is just so hard, isn’t it? I rather feel like a part of me is gone too. It is like part of me went with Jim when he passed on. I like your explaination Pauline of trying to keep a float with no real direction & no shore in sight. Your counsellor is right, it is exhausting, but it is exactly how we all seem to be feeling.
Joyce, I think we all seem to get teary or cry at even the smallest of things, but the Missouri River does seem a little much!
However, we do all understand.Sue, I hope things are going a little better for you these days.
I really don’t know if anything can make any of this better or easier, but we can all hope for an early spring and maybe that will help a little.
Every one take care & keep in touch.
Love & Hugs,
Darla
Dear friends,
Well, I made it to Italy today. It was one of those cold but beautiful days with lots of sun and snow on the top of the mountains which I can see in the distance from our house. I cried most of the way from Florence. I think the beauty and the memories overwhelm me here.
Anyway, I stuck to my plan and bought a dongle en route in Arezzo, which means I now have internet access in the house for the first time. Anthony would have been delighted! My neighbours had warmed the house and then arrived with flowers and food, which was really nice.
We’re all pretty low at the moment, aren’t we? I hope your boss has listened to you Joyce. I think it’s really important that he understands that he can’t expect you just to be back to normal! However, like with most bosses, this has to be spelt out, doesn’t it? I must admit crying over the Missouri River is going a bit far! I do cry all the time over sad things on the tv( which I never, ever used to do) but the Missouri River… Seriously, though, it is a sign of how sad you are feeling, isn’t it? You need to take care of yourself, Joyce, and make sure that boss listens!!
I hope you are ok Darla and Sue. This has been a long hard winter for all of us, which has reflected our long, hard struggle with our loss. Groping in the dark is a good analogy. I call it ” living and partly living”. I always think it’s like trying to keep afloat in the middle of the ocean and every now and again you go under but manage to drag yourself up again and keep floating, but with no real direction and no shore in sight. My counsellor said it sounded exhausting and I think she’s right.
Anyway, Darla, Joyce and Sue, take care and stay in touch. At least winter is coming to an end reasonably soon! Perhaps this will help a little!
Love
PaulineHello All,
I agree – the news is depressing, it does seem like everything has “gone to Hell in a handbasket”, as my Grandma used to say. I’ll tell you a funny story – the other day I read the paper at breakfast like I usually do. There was lots of bad news, and i started reading an article about the Missouri River, and how the riverbed itself is sinking – about a foot a year -endangering pilons for bridges, big cities, all kind of things. Well, I started crying. Now – I live HUNDREDS of miles away from any part of the Missouri river, and I don’t tghink I even know anyone wh does live near it, but I though it was symbolic of the whole sticking mess. So, I sit at my kitchen table bawling over a problem with a river that is sinking! When I think about it now, it’s kind of funny, but – it wasn’t funny that morning! What a crazy world we live in, isn’t it?
It has been in the 50’s today – snow is almost all gone. I am very glad, but I know we have more winter coming – this is just a brief reprieve. Everyone, take care and stay away from the riverbanks!Love – joyce
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