Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Good Morning Everyone,
I can totally relate to what you are feeling Sue. It is actually warmer & sunny here in Wisconsin today too, but I like you am sad & lonely. Maybe we need to not read & listen to the news, as it all seems to be bad & getting worse. It just seems like everything has gotten worse since our husbands passed on, doesn’t it? We are all sad & alone, the world is such a mess & the US economy is really in the toliet. Then all this terrible bad weather. I guess we should be grateful for days like today, but it is so hard to enjoy them when feeling the way we do.
I too am just trying to motivate myself, but you are right, sometimes it is just too hard. I do have the shop, and most days that does help. At least it makes me get up & get going, but some of the people & things I encounter during the day are hard to handle. Some days I do OK and others are not so great. I guess we all just need to try to adjust to this new life we are being forced to lead and try to carry on the best we can. Easier said then done!
So, enough of that! Everyone try to have a good day. I am always thinking about all of you & hoping that together we will all get through this. One Day At A Time.
Love & Hugs to all,
Darla
Hi Friends, Hope you are all OK.
Feeling pretty lonely today – I am sure you all have days like this too. It just too hard sometimes to keep cheerful. Can’t blame the weather either as the sun is shining and the snow is melting. Trying to motivate myself but it is difficult with all the doom and gloom on the TV. We could do with some good news for a change!
SueDear Friends,
Thank you for all your words of support, I know I seem OK on the surface, but you understand what is going on underneath. I will try to be kind to myself and not try to take on anything too arduous until I feel ready.
Pauline,
Thank you for the advice about my friend, I tend to try to do everything myself, but you are so right it would be much better for me and her if I helped her build a support group. How wise you are.Joyce,
The poem is beautiful and I think it expresses what we all feel. But I hope we do not have to grope in the dark for too long. It would be nice to think there will be light at the end of our tunnels! I do hope your boss will let you cut down on your hours – I dont know how you manage to put in such long days, it must really exhaust you.Darla,
You are such a rock on this site, you have a kind word for everyone, I think you are right about feeling a bit better when the sun shines, I hope we will all feel more able to cope when the spring comes. A friend of mine remarked that it seems that more people die in autumn than spring, perhaps the thought of seeing the new shoots will give us all a new burst of energy.My love to you all,
Sue.
PS. If you can get to a cypercafe, Pauline, let us know how you are getting on in Italy next week.
x
Joyce,
I think that is exactly what we are doing, groping & stumbling in the dark. Trying to find our way.I was talking to someone today who I thought was understanding where I was coming from until he said “Why don’t people realize that you are beyond that point in grieving & don’t need to be reminded of it?” Who says? Apparently, he didn’t really understand what I was trying to say & how I am really feeling. Everyone thinks we are doing well & moving on with our lives. Why can’t they see that is only on the surface? Inside we are still full of the emptiness, grief, loss & pain. Did that make any sense? How can you be full of emptiness? That is how I am feeling tho’.
I’m glad your boss is willing to back off a little & give you some space. I agree. I don’t really think any of us are even at 50% yet. Maybe 5%?
Sue,
I don’t hear anything from most of the people that both Jim & I though would be so supportive either. Maybe it is out of sight out of mind. That way they can go on with their lives thinking everything is OK. I know we have talked about this before. If and when it happens to one of them, will they remember how they reacted to our grief? Will it make a difference? Who knows.Pauline,
Try to enjoy your time in Italy. I know it is sad, but it also holds a lot of great memories. I know it is not the same as having Anthony there with you, but that is all we have now is those memories to cling to.Everyone take care. I hope you all had a good enough weekend.
Love,
DarlaHello Friends,
I have come home from church and am preparing to do my daughter’s taxes for her family – she is expecting a very big refund, so is anxious for me to be finished! It was beautiful here yesterday – in the high 40’s. I took Flash for a long walk, swept out the garage (what a mess from the winter), and chipped away at the ice (sadly, we still have ice!). Last night, I had a movie from Netflix – it was “Tuck Everlasting”. My neighbor came over and we watched It was a good movie, and entertained us for a couple of hours.
I have a little poem that they passed out last week at my bereavement support group. It speaks to the issues you were all just talking about, I think. Here it is:Interregnum
The span between life and death
Can be as quick and sudden
As a puff of wind
That blows out a candle.
But the candle does not suffer
After the darkness comes.
It is the person
Left in the dark room
Who gropes and stumbles.Helen Duke Fike
Isn’t this a wonderful description of where we all are? We are groping and stumbling in a dark room. Thank God we have those friends who have remained close to us, we have our families, and we have each other.
I did have a long talk with my boss this week, and I hope I can back off a bit on working all the hours I have been expected to work. It will help me, I believe, as I am not really 100%, as I told him (actually, I am not sure I am even 50% right now), and he reluctantly agreed with me – we’ll see how this goes!
My love to you all,
Joyce
Good Morning Everyone,
Well said Pauline. I do agree with everything that you said. I think that grieving is almost a full time job on its own. It is really hard to take on anything else. I too am fortunate that I can work as much or as little as I want. If I had to go to work everyday all day I don’t think I could face that right now either. It does help to do something tho’ or we would all just stay in bed doing nothing and feeling sorry for ourselves (not that we don’t have every right to feel like doing that after all we have been through).
Sue, I think that supporting your friend is very commendable and may even be of some help to you, but as Pauline said, you need to take care of yourself, too.
I do keep the shop open on Saturday, but am closed on Sundays & Wednesdays. I am off to meet my family for breakfast. It is nice to be able to get together with them now & then. As you all know, Sundays are hard & it is nice to be able to have something to look forward to. I need all the support I can get right now.
I am thinking of all of you too. Here it is sunny & a bit warmer than it has been, which does help a little.
Everyone take care.
Love,
DarlaDear all,
I am sorry you are feeling so low, Sue. I think you’re right about the adrenalin in those early weeks, it does keep you going, albeit in something of a daze. I found that I then went through a stage of terrible torment which in turn led to this later stage of facing the stark reality of the situation. This brought me face to face with the awful loneliness of life without Anthony and I am still in that phase now. It brings you right down and nothing seems to have value.
All that I have done to try to pull myself up is to get on with my work and generally keep busy but before this, I couldn’t face work at all. It’s only in the last few weeks that I have thrown myself into it and it has helped a bit. I think, though, you will know when you are ready for this and it sounds like you’re not. I am lucky in that, as a self employed consultant, I can take on the amount of work I want to and not too much. I tend to do about 3 days a week in school and catch up with the written side of it at home on the other days. It sounds as though your friend’s offer was too much for you at the moment. I think you will know when you are ready and then I would suggest you don’t take on full time work with lots of stress. You have to remember that grieving is an exhausting and extremely stressful thing in itself and we don’t need this to be added to!
Supporting your friend is going to be very hard for you, Sue. You are very kind to do this but do take care of yourself. Perhaps you could try to build up a little suppot network for your friend rather than dealing with too much of what is ahead directly yourself. I really don’t think I could do this. I cry every time I see someone dying on tv.
I am thinking of you all this Sunday. It is still cold and grey here and I expect Italy will be pretty similar. Stay warm all of you and take care!
Love
PaulineHi All,
Its sunday again and at last the snow seems to be melting. I brought my Mum over for the weekend for company, she is a real support, and she has been through this herself three years ago so she knows what it feels like. I think I feel worse now than when I did just after Ray died. I think after Ray died, I was working on adrenoline, trying to get the funeral right, then making sure i did something every day, and trying to make a family Christmas so the girls would be OK, and now it is like I have run out of steam. I dont seem to have the energy to do anything. On Friday I had a business meeting with an old colleague whi I have known for about thrity years. He has jsut started up a new business and wants me to go in with him, on technical devlopment and support, but I just dont feel reay to have that sort of committment at the moment. He was very good and said that he could see I wasnt ready but to just let him know when I wanted to join him, but I dont know that I will ever be ready, I am just too exhausted to start doing 12 hour days again and battling my way on the motorways week in and week out. I just cant get excited about his project. I am also nervous about getting too involved with his business as he has had two bankruptcies before and I dont need the stress. I would have been able to talk to Ray about it before, but I cant now, or I can but he doesnt answer! I think the best thing is to just wait and see what happens before I jump into something I cant handle.
I havent heard much from any of our old friends, it is amazing how quickly they fall away isnt it? The only ones who seem to stay in touch are those female friends who are on their own too, so they seem to understand. There is a lot of truth in those cheesey e-mails which keep telling us that the strongest friends are all our girlfriends! But it is so hard to stop thinking like a couple!
I went to see an old schoolfriend yesterday. I havent seen her for twenty years even though we both live in the same town, as we were not too close at school and have just drifted apart over the years (I suppose that was my fault as she wasnt married and I was it was difficult to make time to see her). She got married for the first time two years ago, and I just heard that her husband has cancer and only has six weeks to live. He was up when I arrived at her flat, and it was so hard talking to him, as it brought it all back to me. She has no relatives, her mum and dad have died and she has no brother or sisters, and not too many friends. I told her if she needed anything to call me as she does not drive and will certainly need help over the next few weeks and after he dies. I think I will take her to see my Mum the next time the nurse is with her husband as she knew her when we were growing up and it may do her good to be able to talk without her husband there. Why does this keep on happening? I must have heard of 5 or 6 more friends and aquaintances who have developed cancer since Ray died.
Sorry this post is a bit gloomy, writing it all down seems to help, so I will try to put on a happy face for the rest of the day and count my blessings!Pauline, I hope you have a lovely time in Italy, although it must be very hard for you as everything you do there will remind you of what you have lost. Will you keep your house do you think?
Rays grandaughter is coming to stay for a few days over the half term, so I shall spend some time with her doing the crafts I do at the Youthclub, making jewellery, nail art and leather work, you cant be sad when she is around!
Darla, I hope you can keep busy this weekend, do you keep your shop open at the weekend? If so I hope you have lots of visitors.
Joyce, give Flashy and extra hug from me! I still look around for Poppy when I forget she is not here any more.Lots of love to you all.
Sue
SueHi All,
I just read Pauline’s post & you know, she is so right. This life we are all now leading does seem so surreal. We are living the same life as before, but only now we are doing it alone. It is like nothing has changed, only we now are in it alone. It is like one minute they were here & now they are gone. There is some comfort in the familiarity of it all, but also a great sense of sadness & loss. It often times feels like I am living a dream (or maybe nightmare is a better word). If only that were so & we would all wake up to have our husbands & our former lives back.
Pauline, I am glad that work is keeping you busy. Keeping the shop open seems to help me. It is hard to have to be there alone, but so many people that knew Jim come in to see me & talk about him & that also helps & is a comfort to me.
Everyone try to keep busy the rest of the weekend. I too will be hoping it will be atleast OK for all of us. I will be thinking of all of you. Take care everyone.
Love,
DarlaHello everyone,
I’m sorry about the dog too Sue. They are really good companions and I understand that losing her is another blow. I think it’s very hard to deal with set backs like this in our situations because we are much less resiliant than normal.
I have been keeping myself very busy with work this week. It seems to be the most helpful thing to me at the moment. I had to stay at home on Monday and Tuesday because the snow arrived and London came to a stand still! However, I had plenty of work to do at home and so was able to keep busy. I honestly don’t know what I would do at the moment if I didn’t have some work to do. There are so many hours and days to fill that at least work fills them.
I am going to Italy again on Thursday because Anthony and I always went at this time, during the school half term. I don’t know how I will be when I’m there but I am taking a lot of work with me. I think I will continue to visit some of the places Anthony and I used to go to. What a surreal life this is, living the life we used to live together only on my own. I still find some comfort in this familiarity though and can’t think of doing things differently from the way Anthony and I always did them.
It’s a horrible grey, cold Saturday here. The snow has gone in London now but large parts of the country are struggling to cope. Can you believe that we can’t even manage to get the roads and pavements gritted properly to prevent accidents? Anyway, I am thinking of you all and will be thinking of you, Joyce and Sue, as those monthly anniversaries approach. I hope you are alright, Darla and hope the weekend will be ok for you all.
Take care
Love
PaulineHi Joyce,
Thanks for your message, it is really hard without Poppy, but she was 13 years and one month old and that is a really good age for a cavalier king charles. at least she got me through the first three months without Ray, but I keep looking round for her, and have occasionally called her name, forgetting she is no longer here. I will also miss our walks, but I think I will have to force myself to get out and get some excercise.
We seem to be having bad weather here in the UK, for several years we have got used to mild winters but we have had some really cold spells and as I look out of the window now the snow is still about 4 ins deep, but it is nothing like you and Darla get! I dont know how you both cope with it.
Anyway, everyone, wrap up warm, and we will wish for the spring to hurry up!
SueOh Sue – I am so sorry about Poppy.I know what you mean about what a comfort they are – Flashy is my constant companion here. How old was Poppy? Flash just turned 5 on January 19. Thank goodness Sam was there with you – that helped, I am sure. You and Darla are both right – things just seem to pile on, one after another. Anyway, I am glad you got your computer going again! We missed you.
Pauline – was this your 1st snowfall of the season? The Problem with that is – people don’t know how to drive in it yet – takes a while each year for people to get their snow driving straight. Darla and I have been getting snow for weeks and weeks now – and the groundhog – Puxatawney Phil – saw his shadow this morning – that means 6 more weeks of winter – drat!!! I think it said on the news that we havemore snow this year than we have had in 6 years – it figures!
Joyce
Thanks Darla, I do think that, and also she will be with my Dad who loved her to bits, but it will be quiet here without her, she gave me something to get up for in a morning.
Love SueHi Sue,
Glad you are back on. I am so sorry to hear that you have had to suffer another loss. I know that Poppy was good companionship & comfort for you since Ray’s passing. It does seem as if one thing just leads to another & you have to wonder how strong does God think we are to keep piling these things on us. I know how much you will miss her. She was a good friend. I guess you have to think of it as now Poppy has gone to be with Ray, to keep him company. I hope that can be of some comfort to you.
I hope that this week will be better for you.
Love,
DarlaHello Ladies,
I hope you are all OK.
I have’nt been able to send any e-mails for the last week as my computer has been out of action.
I have had a bad weekend, my lovely little dog, Poppy has gone. She started fitting on Friday night and by the morning the fits were coming every half an hour and she was crying with fright and pain. Luckily Sam was at home so she held her while I drove to the vets early Sat, when we got there the vet said that her heart was really weak, and she hardly had any pulse, and as she was so distressed the best thing was to put her to sleep. I have been crying most of the weekend, both about Poppy and about Ray, it is funny how one thing leads to another. She has been such a sweet dog and such good company for me since Ray died, I really will miss her.
Love Sue
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