Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Thank you both for reminding me once again how similar our experiences of the grieving processes are. I also talk to Anthony a lot and look at his photos which are all around the house. I am keeping very busy too but at the moment the terrible sadness is very close to the surface and little memories come to my mind and I find myself crying – sometimes silently – if people are around.
There is no answer to this process, no solution to the problem but, despite this, I think we are all doing ok because we continue to function. Most people probably don’t have any idea of how we are feeling inside. I find that the number of people I confide in is now very small and I have pretty well given up on the rest. This doesn’t even annoy me any more. I am used to it.
Anyway, the snow has come to London and it’s very cold. This usually means chaos on the roads so I’m not looking forward to the journey to school tomorrow!
Take care! We’ve got through another weekend!
Love
PaulineHi Ladies,
Just thought I’d check in and let you know I am also thinking of all of you.
I too take comfort in reminding myself that Jim is always near by even when I don’t feel that he is. I don’t ever want my memories of him to fade. I want to always be able to remember him as he was before this horrible disease took hold of him & took him away from me so swiftly & violently.
Grieving is not something we plan for or can learn how to handle. It just happens & we have to just try to cope & deal with it one day at a time. It is just so hard, with all of the ups & downs, but at least we can draw strength from each other as we are all traveling the same road.
Everyone take care & try to have the best day you can tomorrow.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi Everybody,
Pauline – that half year mark must be very difficult – Darla and I were talking about all these little “anniversaries” – we can’t help marking them, and some hurt more than others.
I just woke up from a npa, and was talking to Butch’s picture in the bedroom. The talking is one-way – me to him, I know what you mean. I would love to have him talk to me once again.
I guess we just keep going – just like you are doing, and the rest of us too. Grief has it’s rhythms, I guess – it gets a little bit better for awhile, and then – bam – right back in the dumps. I know we all feel that. For awhile, weekends got a bit better, but this weekend (and last one too) are the pits. I guess we just have to have a plan – I try to get out of the house for something, even if it is only – guess what – shopping! It takes my mind off this situation a bit. But I can never really forget it – it is back there, in my mind.
I know what you mean about not wanting to forget, but I hope their memory will never fade from us. When I close my eyes I can see him – how he was before he was ill, and I have hundreds of pictures – wonderful pictures, too. These were great guys, all of them, I can tell by reading what you have all wrote, and I know Butch. They will be with us forever – remember, Butch promised me. That is such a comfort to me, and I hope is to all of you also. They are looking over us, and even though we can’t communicate back and forth, their presense is real. When I am sad, I tell myself this, and – even though I still miss him terribly, I do get comfort from that knowledge.
Everybody try to keep busy and get by the best way you can – we will all be thinking of each other, I am sure, working our way through another weekend, all going through the same thing.Love – Joyce
Dear friends,
Anthony died 6 months ago yesterday. During the last few days I have been thinking that it has been 6 months since I have had a chat to him and this thought just seems to break my heart all over again. There have been a lot of tears. I don’t want time to move on because I don’t want his memory to fade. I don’t want to forget anything ever, but I’m afraid I might!
I am picking myself up again today and keeping busy. The weekends tend to be the worst times still, don’t they? I hope you are all coping as well as possible and that your Sunday will not be too bad!
Thinking of you all!
Love
PaulineDear Friends,
It is a year today that my friend’s husband died. His name was also Ray and he also died of cancer. She is having a pretty hard time of it so I have asked her to dinner tonight and also invited two other firends to help cheer her up. (I don’t know that I would be strong enough not to join her if she cries if there were only the two of us). So I am busy today cooking my first female-only dinner party. How life changes!
Joyce, I am so pleased that Butch let you know he was listening and watching out for you.
After my Dad died I often felt his presence, but I can’t sense that Ray is about at all. Even when I go to his grave I don’t feel he is there, perhaps I want it too much.
Patty, I am sorry your so-called friend has been so insensitive. I am sure you will find comfort with your brother, but do you have good friends you can turn to also? You need the right kind of people about you at this time.
Darla, Pauline, thank you for your comments, it makes you wonder if people might remember what they said if they ever are in a similar situation in the future. Many people just dont think before they open their mouths.
Anyway have a good weekend, everyone, hope the sun shines on you and scares away a bit of this cold.
Lots of love
SueHello Friends,
I have something to shar with you all! Last week my assignment for the bereavement group was to write a letter to Butch. Even though I talk to him every day, kiss his picture, etc., I have not wrote him a formal letter before this. So I did, and it was very cathargic. Somehow, writing him a real letter made him, our life together, and our relationship now seem more real. Anyway, I mentioned our deal – that he let me know he had gotten there, and asked if he could let me know one more time. The last sentence said “I would like to dream about you”, because I don’t – or – I don’t remember the dreams when I wake up. I figure that – even though it will be sad – waking up to reality, I could at least see him in my dreams. Well – this morning – just before waking – I saw him in a dream! We didn’t talk, and I don’t remember much, but he was there – standing beside my parents in a line, a few feet way from where I stood in that dream. I couldn’t see his face clearly, but – he was there! I believe that he came to me in that dream because of my request, and I am so grateful. Our loved ones are watching over us, and – even though I am sobbing as I write this – what a comfort to know that. They really are just “in the next room”. Even though I say that quite a bit – I am not sure I knew what it means, and , as time goes by, Butch seemed further and further away from me. This has brought him back to me, and I feel so much better.
So, this is a message of hope – proof – to me – that, in our future – when the Lord decides it is our time – we will all be together with our loved ones again, and, in the meantime, that they are indeed watching over us and our lives here on this earth.
Love,
Joyce
Patty,
We are all already dealing with so much right now and then to have try to deal with people who are so insensitive just adds to the burden, doesn’t it? Life is just so unfair, but I am hoping that this move will work out & be beneficial to you and will also be helpful for your Mom & brother. You deserve a break here. Keep in touch & let us know how things are going.
Pauline, Joyce & Sue. I can’t agree with you enough that our little group has been the best thing to happen to all of us. We are all dealing with these things & we all are so supportive & understanding of each other. No matter what else happens, we know we have each other to lean on. Right now all of you & the rest of the wonderful people on this site are what gives me the strength to go on. As you said Pauline, it lets us know that we are not alone with these thoughts & feelings.
Everyone take care. I hope you all can have a relatively nice weekend, or at least the best you can for now. We haven’t gotten much more snow here, but it is going to be frigid cold again, so I probably won’t be getting out much, so I will really have to work at trying to keep myself busy this weekend.
Love & Hugs To All,
Darla
Oh, Patty, why does life pile on so? I hope this works out well for you, and that it is a good move both for both your little brother and for you (I have a little Brother who is 18 years younger than I am). Moving into your Mom’s house certainly sounds like a sensible solution , but , when we are in this grieved state, any change is difficult, and requires real effort, doesn’t it? Remember – we will all be thinking of you, and you can come here and “blow off steam” anytime – it helps me so much to have someplace to turn to where everybody understands. This board, and – particularly this thread on this board – has been a lifesaver for me. It is hard to believe that other peole can be so insensitive, isn’t it? Particularly people we are close to. Ah, in the end , we are all only poor humans, aren’t we?
love – Joyce
I am going through my own thing right now with someone who I feel has been quite insensitive. Unfortunately, this person is my roommate so I have decided to move out and am trying to summon up the physical and mental energy to pack up and move. I am going to move into my Mom’s house, my “little” brother (25 years old but still little to me) is living there right now, he had moved in to help care for her, he was her “baby” and I told my Mom I would finish straightening him out for her and he and I are really close so I think I will get more support living there. We will eventually sell the house but in the meantime I think it will work out better.
Patty
Dear all,
I wrote a really long reply last night and I lost my connection just before I sent it so I will try again and keep it shorter this time!
I was really angry for you, Sue, when I heard what those “friends” said. It feels as though most other people are on a different planet sometimes, doesn’t it? We put on a brave face because, basically, we have to and then people presume we’re ok. If we don’t they think we should be “getting over it” by now. What is comforting is to know that we are all pretty similar in the way we are handling things – all trying to keep busy and make a good effort while feeling terribly, sad, lonely and empty inside.
And why can’t most people talk to us about our husbands? After all he was their friend or brother or other relative. A little memory goes a long way to helping us – is this too hard to figure out? Yes, Darla, I think we have a right to be angry about all of this. I’m also angry about the people who hardly ever phone any more. Anthony always said he knew there would be so many people looking out for me. I’m glad he doesn’t know he was wrong about that.
I think working is useful, Joyce, and I am throwing myself back into it at the moment but it is difficult to concentrate for long periods. I think your boss needs to realise you are not back to normal and needs to take this into account. I do believe that when people ask how we are we should tell them that we are not great and are still finding it all very hard etc. At least they can’t say they didn’t know. Don’t over work, Joyce, you could become exhausted or ill and that really won’t be good.
I think you are absolutely right, Darla, we have to re evaluate who our real friends are and we shouldn’t let them upset us. It’s hard though, as you say, because we are bound to be very sensitive. I do get angry and upset but try to push it out of my mind and think of things that really matter. What else can we do?
Anyway, it all reinforces how important it is that we have our little group and we really understand each other. I think if I didn’t have you all I would presume I was alone in having insensitive friends etc. Take care all of you and keep in touch. It’s good to have an international moan sometimes, isn’t it?
Love
PaulineHello Friends,
I know what you mean. People get very uncomfortable if I even talk about Butch – just to say something simple – like the fact that he wouldn’t have liked that movie I watched last weekend – no grief attached, just a mention of his name. They don’t like it – don’t know what to say. On the other hand, I usually do put on a brave face, and people – my boss in particular – thinks I am over it, and should be back to “normal” – meaning functioning at top speed at work. (he doesn’t know I was NEVER normal!). This is very,very difficult, because I am NOT back to normal, and probably never will be – just trying to fill in the hole that was left in my heart. It IS wonderful to have you all to talk to, and listen to. You really have become my close friends, and it does help, doesn’t it? I am so weepy this morning that I would like to just stay home – but – have a big meeting today so I can’t. That’s the problem – Working is good for me because it takes my mind off my loss, BUT – I have a hard time concentrating, and there are too many hours – I think I worked about 48 hours last week, and I guess it is too much for me.
Well – enough steam-letting off, I guess I better hit the road!
Love – Joyce
Dear Sue,
I have felt and still do feel angry about the way other people perceive our lives. They have no idea what we are really feeling or going through, do they? Many seem to say & do truly hurtful things. I think people like that were never true friends to begin with. It seems as if you try to be strong in front of others & they critisize & if you do show your feelings and try to talk about it they think you should get over it. Unless they have been through what we are going through they have no idea. I think we just need to let all that go & not give them the power to affect us. That is easier said than done! I feel that no matter what they think, they should try to understand & respect what we are going through & that we each have to deal with it in our own way. If they can’t, then I guess they were not the true friends we thought they were.
It is comforting to know that we can talk to each other and that we all understand & know what we are all suffering right now. I do consider all of you my friends & “family”. As you said Sue, many of our relatives and friends just don’t understand or don’t know how to deal with any of this.
There is no right or wrong here. Grieving is a very private and personal thing and as I am learning, we have to do it in our own time & way. I am so glad that we can all come here to help & support each other during this time in our lives.
I will be thinking of you, Joyce & Pauline along with all the others on this site as we all try to work our way through another day.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi friends,
Good to hear from you all.
I am feeling pretty angry at the moment, my Mum was talking to a mutual friend of ours who said “Sue seems to have got over Rays death very quickly doesnt she?” My Mum cut her short and told her that I do my crying in private as I dont want to be a burden to others. It made me wonder what other people think of me when I put on my “brave face” and then it occurred to me that if people thought that of me they didnt really know me and weren’t real friends. It is amazing that in circumstances like ours you can feel closer to “strangers” who are going through the same thing as you than you do to relatives and some so-called longstanding “friends”.
I cant begin to tell anyone ourside our situation what a blessing it is to be able to speak with others in identiacal situations and know that what you are feeling and going through is normal.
I do have a couple of close friends here who have lost their husbands in the last couple of years, they do tell me that things get a little easier, but that life is different and can never be the same as it was. They still miss their husbands but have had to accept that, and learn to be grateful for other small good things that happen in their lives now. But at the moment I feel it is a bit early to look for any silver linings.
We must just keep on keeping ourselves busy I suppose!
Love to all,
SueHi All,
Well it is my turn to check in. I don’t want to be redundant, so I will just say that as I read your post Pauline, everything that you expressed is also exactly how I am feeling and you are right. All we can do for now is try to keep busy. I think others are oblivious to our feelings as we appear to be doing OK and they think we should be adjusting to our new life by now. Boy are they wrong! It appears we are all going through a rough time of it right now. Eveyone keeps telling me it will get better with time. I just am not sure it every will. As Pauline said, it is a lonely world when you are alone.
Yes Joyce, I agree, the Sundays are tough & with all the cold, snow & long nights it makes it even tougher, doesn’t it?
I am hoping that we can all take a few steps forward this week & that we can eventually find ourselves & where we now fit in to this world.
Take care everyone. I will be thinking of all of you as we all try to work our way through all of this.
Love,
DarlaHello All,
Just checking in to tell you that I am still here – sad, but here. I brought work home and am working on it – trying to keep busy, also, Paula – it seems like the only thing to do right now. I tried to take Flash for a walk, but it is too cold, and he had a fit – we had to come back home! I have gone to two of those meetings for the support group now, and I can’t tell if it is helping – it does make me realize that we are all in the same boat – grieving, lonely, and at loose ends. Boy – these Sundays are tough, aren’t they?
Last night, I rented “Mamma Mia” and my next door neighbor came over to watch it with me. We did like it – it was a real “chick-flick”. It takes your mind off your life for a couple of hours anyway.I hope that all of you do better in the following week.
Love – Joyce
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