Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
- This topic has 569 replies, 26 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 7 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Dear Darla, Sue and Joyce,
I hope Sunday has been ok for you. I have had a very quiet, reflective one and am still feeling very depressed and miss Anthony unbearably. I think it is so hard to live the life you used to live as a couple on your own and yet I don’t have any wish to do anything differently. This seems to be an unresolvable conundrum. I keep feeling how lucky we were in our lives together and how hard it is for me now. Being ill and alone throughout Christmas, New Year and our wedding anniversary has obviously highlighted all of this and now that I’m better my mood hasn’t changed. I am forcing myself back to work and making myself keep busy but it is all very empty and seems pointless.
I’m sorry you have been having a bad time, Sue. Those reruns of everything that happened towards the end are awful because we can’t do anything about it. The thing that helped me was my counsellor telling me that she thought it was a beautiful love story and after that even the things that I felt I should have done better I could see within the context of our love as Anthony’s life drew towards its end. I had so many regrets and still do really but now I think of it as the last part of our beautiful love story as our lives were being torn apart. Anthony was suffering so much in those last few days and I was suffering too. I was beginning to lose my mind with worry and exhaustion. How can we be at our best in the context of such suffering? It seems to me that you did your very best for Ray as did Darla for Jim and Joyce for Butch in our different situations. These regrets still come into my mind and I think they are normal but mainly now I have reached the stark reality of my situation which is the unbearable fact that my life with Anthony is over and that I miss him so much and feel such a hole in the centre of my life. This is what I mainly struggle with now. I simply have no idea of what the point of life is and I wish I could have died with Anthony because then I wouldn’t have to struggle to make sense of things without him. It’s just so very hard.
Anyway I find that keeping busy is a sensible solution and so that is what I am forcing myself to do. I have missed a lot of work through my illness and so will make up for this in the coming weeks. I still wake up wondering how all this ever happened and why it happened to us. We were so happy and had so many plans for the future. What a retirement we were going to have! I still find most people seem oblivious to how I feel. What a lonely world it is!
I hope you are all ok. I am thinking of you all.
Love
PaulineHi Darla,
Thanks for your reply, I think that we could have easily been in your situation if Ray hadn’t been diagnosed by accident, but you are right whichever way it is it is still a bummer.
I have my Mum with me this weekend and Sam is coming home for the night tomorrow so I am looking forward to seeing her. I hope your weekend is not too bad and you have some company.
Wishing you, Joyce, Pauline and all our friends a peaceful weekend,
Love Sue xDear Sue,
I am sorry that you are feeling so sad right now & hope that it will get better soon. It seems that we are all going through a similar grief process with all of it’s up & downs. Knowing that it is normal for us to feel like this sure doesn’t change the way we feel though, does it? As you said tho’ we can’t change anything & we can’t continue to beat ourselves up for something we had no control over. Sometimes easier said than done!
I don’t think there is any best way for this to happen. It is hard either way & ultimately the end result is the same. I do think you are correct that having to deal with this for 18 months was very hard on you, & you probably were well into the grieving process even before Ray passed on. I on the other hand only had 7 weeks of physical and emotional stress & then Jim was gone. I didn’t even know I would have to be grieving so soon. I thought I was going to be taking care of him, making things easier for him and then I had nothing. So, my grieving didn’t really start until a week or so before he passed on. Our situations were so different, yet so similar in so many ways. I do believe that for Jim, he was allowed to have a good life and not knowing until close to the end & only suffering for a short time was a whole lot easier for him and although the shock of losing him so quickly will be harder for me I also did not have to deal with the months of anxiety & stress that you did.
We will just have to let the grieving process take us where it will & try to learn how to go on as best we can. Having each other & every one else here to lean on sure does help to easy the pain tho’ doesn’t it?
I will be thinking of you & Pauline over in the UK and Joyce in New York and everyone else who is dealing with this terrible disease & what it has done to their lives.
Take care Sue. I will think of you on your cooking holiday. Wish we all could share it with you. As you said, maybe some day we will all be able to meet. Who knows.
Love,
DarlaHello ladies,
It hasn’t been such a good week for me this week, I am always down at this time of year, but being alone makes it worse. I had quite a weepy day on Tuesday, which isn’t really like me, and then last night I just couldnt get to sleep, I kept going over the last few days Ray was in hospital and how he was and how he felt and what he said and whether we stayed enough with him… I am sure you have all had the same feelings. But I know in the time we had left we did all we could and all Ray wanted to do, and spent family time to build memories for the grandchildren so in my heart of hearts I know I did the best I possibly could for Ray.
Marion. thank you for your direction to Dr Giles replies. What a wise man. Also, Darla, I think it gave me insight as to how much a shock it must have been to you when you only had four weeks to come to terms with the loss of the love of your life, I think that is probably why you think I am coping a bit better than you, I really did quite a lot of grieving in the 18 months before Ray died, since he was diagnosed as terminal. Dr Giles said to you he didnt really know whether it was best to have warning of an illness or have your loved one die suddenly – I think I can answer that – from the relatives point of view it gives time to come to terms with the inevitable and make the most of the time you have left, so you have fewer regrets when they die and that makes it easier for you to cope, as for your loved one, it depends upon their character, I know Ray would rather not have known, but other poeple might appreciate the time to put their house in order. In any case it is still hard whatever the circumstances but I think the main thing is not to beat yourself up about what might have been as it does no good.
Pauline I hope you are feeling a bit better love, you do seem to be having it rough at the moment.
Joyce, I wish you could come an my cooking holiday with me too, never mind we might all get together sometime.
Goodnight ladies, my thoughts and love are with you all,
Sue xHi All,
Marion, thanks for your encouragement. It is hard to think that far ahead, but I am hopeful that I will be doing better then than I am now. Both Pauline & I had read Betty’s question & Dr. Giles answer and that too has given us some hope & insight. After discussing it with Pauline, that is what encouraged me to pose my questions to him, as I am sure that there are others who are feeling like we are & the answer I got was very helpful to us & hopefully will also be of help to others.
Sue & Joyce, I know how hard it is as each month goes by. Sometimes it feels like it has been forever & others it is as if it just happened. I give both of you credit for looking for ways to keep busy & move on. You both seem to have a good attitude. I am having a harder time with that. A lot of it is because our business was also our pleasure & it pretty much consumed a big part of our lives. As I both live & work here, it is easy to just stay in my comfort zone & not venture out into new areas, but it is also a constant reminder of what I have lost. I do try to get out now & again, but it is not the same as doing something totally different with your life. I guess I have to start looking at maybe trying to make just a small change, to try something new. Of course, the weather here has been just terrible, tons of snow & now frigid cold, and that doesn’t help either.
I seem to be more like you Pauline, in that I would rather not be bothered & just be left alone, but I think you are right, that will only make things even more depressing. We will just have to push ourselves & force ourselves to get out I do something! I hope that you start feeling better soon, as I am sure that will help, too.
It is hard to adjust to life as a person alone. I am so used to being part of a couple that I don’t quite know where I fit in any more. Hopefully time will help to work all of this out & put it all in some sort of perspective. I sure hope so.
Joyce, I also am an avid reader, but have had a hard time consentrating long enough to absorb much of anything. My mind keeps wandering. I do think it is getting a slight bit better tho’. I too hope that keeps improving with time.
Sue, Enjoy your cooking holiday. You are more adventurous than me!
I will be hoping for better days ahead for all of us.
Hugs & Love To All,
DarlaHello Friends,
Marion – thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am trying to think how it will be after two years – I can’t see that far ahead right now, but I hope you are right.Sue – it was 3 months for me on the 9th. I really can’t believe that 3 months has gone by – working really does pass time for me – I am grateful for that. Your cooking holiday on Crete sounds WONDERFUL – I so wish I could join you! It sure beats watching the cooking channel, which is what I do – quite a bit – even though I am not cooking much now. I think you have made a great plan – I was just telling my cousin that I need to join something new – I was thinking about this “tapercise” class – tap dancing for exercise. I am still thinking that over – I am probably a better cook than a tap dancer! I did start a new book yesterday – “The Friday Night Knitting Club” – I hope I keep reading – all my life I have read, but the last 3 months I just couldn’t – I have had the attention span of a gnat! I’m also still working on that prayer shawl for my daughter – her birthday ios February 22 – want to give it to her then.
Pauline – how awful to be so sick right now. You certainly don’t need sickness on top of your grief. I hope you recever quickly and are out and about again soon.
Darla – my first bill for plowing was $75.00 – he plowed 3 times. I am very happy – well worth it, as you said. I started writing yesterday – I stopped the blog when Butch passed away, and couldn’t write until now, but – I am going to try to start back up – I do think it is good for us.
Hugs to all of you,
Joyce
Hi Sue…..Go to “Patient Support” then click on “Ask Dr. Giles. You need to scroll down to see Betty’s posting. Good luck.
Thinking of you and sending bear hugs
MarionDear Marion,
Thanks for your kind words it is good to know things will eventually get a little better. Can you tell me where to find Dr Giles letter to Betty? I have tried to find it but cant and would like to read it.
Many thanks,
SueDear Pauline,
Sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment. Keep yourself warm and watch some mindless TV to take your mind off it. It always seems to take ages to get over an illness this time of year, but with what we have all been through these last couple of years our resistance must be really low so give yourself time to get over this. I am sending you a big hug!
SueDear friends,
It is good to catch up with how you are feeling. It has been such a difficult period it’s not surprising that everyone is low. I am thinking of you today Sue with Ray’s anniversary. It is still a very short time really, although it can seem like forever to us, can’t it?
I am just recovering from my second virus which has kept me in bed feeling rotten for another week. This was the nora virus – the horrible sickness bug! I must admit, having been ill for most of the last 3 weeks has left me so depressed that it is hard to motivate myself in any way at all. Nothing seems to make any sense or to have any purpose any more. You’re right Sue, doing the same things that we used to do can bring some comfort but also just underlines our sense of loneliness. On the other hand, I can’t think of anything else to do that gives me a sense of purpose. I think if I was 10 years younger I would re train as a doctor. Your trip sounds like a really good idea, Sue. You are being very positive which I think is great.
I have cancelled all my school visits and meetings this week and I must admit I really am feeling like I just can’t be bothered with any of it but I suppose I will have to force myself because I will just get more depressed.
I had to miss my counselling because of my illness but I will go again next week and hope it might help.
Anyway, I am thinking of you all. Take care!
Love
PaulineSue, Darla and Joyce….it has been almost two years since my husband passed away and everything you have written I so much understand. It takes awhile to adjust to being a widow (sure, don’t even like the category) however, out of my own experience I can say: It does get better although, in a different sort of way.
Whenever I find myself struggling I find comfort in reading Dr. Gile’s posting to Betty. As many times as I have absorbed his wisdom and compassion each time I find a new meaning in his words.
Hugs to all of you,
MarionHi Ladies,
It is the three-month anniversary of Rays death, and I am feeling a bit low today. I really think it is impossible for me to live the same kind of life and do the same things we used to do as a couple. It just doesnt fit anymore. Even our with our good friends who invite me for dinner or out for a meal I dont feel I fit anymore, as you say, Darla and Joyce, it just isnt the same as a “widow”.
I think I will have to re-invent who I am, and do totally different things, it is too hard trying to do the “couples” things alone.
Also the number of things I need to get done around the house is weighing on my mind, I think I will have to try to get professionals in to help me with some of the gardening and decorating, it is too big a job for me to feel able to tackle it all alone.
I am trying to give my life some structure, so have keep fit on Tuesday, and have enrolled to help with crafts again at our local youth club, but I am aware I have to do things out of the norm, or else it would be too easy to stand in the shadow of what life would have been like if Ray was still here.
I felt I wanted to do something completely different and out of character, so I have booked a cooking holiday to Crete over the Greek Easter holidays.
It will be the first time I have ever gone on holiday by myself, and I am very nervous, but I feel I should push myself to try to do things out of character. Normally on holiday I used to let Ray do the talking as he was so social and I was quite happy to sit and listen, so I will find it quite difficult to meet new people on my own. But at least it is something new, and wont hold sad reminders of places went to together. I am probably mad, but after all it is just a few days – and hopefully it will give me some self confidence to start to do other things on my own.
At the very least it is something in my calendar to work towards.
I am finding it hard to visit Rays grave at the moment, I am very aware that what lay beneath the ground is not Ray now, and I find it easier to talk to his picture than his grave.
I suppose in the spring I will also have to go and try to sort out a headstone, I will leave it until six months has passed then will tackle this job. It is just so hard to motivate myself at the moment, hopefully when Spring comes it may bring us all a little more joy.
Love to all.
SuePatty,
That is a great idea. Thanks for bringing it up.
My sister gave me a journal while Jim was in the hospital a few days before he passed away. At first I couldn’t even bear to try to put anything into words. Finally 2 months after he passed on I started to write in it. I usually write as if I am talking to him. Telling him how I am feeling, good or bad. Telling him about my day and all of the things I would relate to him if he were here with me. Some days I just ramble on & on repeating things that are already there, but it does help. It makes me feel closer to him and although it can not replace what we had, it does help a little to fill the void. I am already on my second journal. I am hoping that in the future I will be able to go back & read these & hopefully see that I have actually made some forward progress through the pain & grief I am suffering, even though it doesn’t feel like it to me right now. I am sure that your letters will also be a comfort to you & bring you some peace.
Darla
I have just had a thought, I am sure it is not original but I thought I would mention it since it might be therapeutic for others. I think I am going to start writing letters to my mom, with updates on how everyone is doing.
If you remember, I have 6 siblings and 7 nieces/nephews and my mom’s life really revolved around ours, she was a real matriarch. She loved hearing about our jobs, our friends (she was a second mom to many of them), our problems, etc. What I most remember is her always asking, What’s new? or, my favorite, What’s on your agenda?
I went to see my nieces perform in a musical and my mom would have loved it and I need to tell her about it. Think about it, when our loved ones were alive and we did something without them, we would still tell them about what we did. If I attended a wedding, my mom would always ask, how was the wedding. I’m going to keep on like she is still asking.
Patty
Joyce,
It is good that we can come here & vent, isn’t it? I also do most of my crying in private, although I do still tear up now & again in public. You are right, the reality of all this is that we are truely alone.
I was really feeling down this morning & logged on to see that Barbara had posted a beautiful poem “A Letter From Heaven”. Although it did make me cry, it also made me feel better. It is posted by Barbara6193 under Grief Management
- The forum ‘Grief Management’ is closed to new topics and replies.