Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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You know what – I have been angry for the last month! I must be going through my anger period. I have been short – even with my daughter and granddaugters. I think, Darla, it is because I am realizing that I don’t know, either, if I can ever adjust to being alone. I am angry that our husbands were taken from us, and angry because we are alone. No matter what I do – read a book, watch a movie, bake – we are doing it alone, and this really stinks. Of course, when I say I haven’t cried as much, I guess I forgot the 2 week period around the holidays when , mostly – all I did was cry when I was alone! I don’t cry much in public though – or – I try not to. Anyway, I have definately regressed, and we all probably have, I guess – the time of year, the weather, the realization that this is how it is going to be, etc. I am not sure this bereavement group is for me – I will have to try it and see – will surely let you know. Anyway, just blowing off steam – glad you all listen and uncerstand.
Love – joyce
Good Morning All,
Well, here it is another Sunday. I plan to spend a good part of it with my daughter-in-law, so that will be nice. I always enjoy the time I spend with her.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am just not sure I will ever be able to adjust to being alone. I was part of a couple for such a big part of my life.
The weather here has settled down a bit for the moment, but now we are expecting bitter cold! It is so depressing. I also got the bill for the plowing for December. $240 YIKES! We did get a ton of snow. They had to plow 12 times! It is worth it though, as atleast I know it is taken care of & I can get out if I need to.
I have actually been more weepy than usual. Little things just set me off. Last night I went with friends to a nice relaxing place for dinner that Jim & I had always talked about trying & never had the chance. That alone made me sad, however, they had a piano player who we got to talking to & she told us that she was a widow who eventually remarried, blended family etc. & that just made me tear up. The word “widow” still gets to me. I don’t want to be that! The couple I was with have been together over 25 years & they were discussing how remarkable that was for two people to stay together for that length of time & all I could think of was that we were together 45 years & now we are apart by no choice of our own! How unfair is that! It seems like everyone out there are couples and it just seems to reinforce how alone we are.
I still haven’t tried to seek out a support group or counseling. I’m just not sure if that is for me, but who knows, maybe someday. Joyce, let us know how it is going with your group & if you feel it is helping you. I also know how hard it is to go places & be with people that you did things together with before. It is just not the same, is it?
Well, I hope you all had a nice evening & can keep busy today. I will be thinking of all of you.
Love,
DarlaHello all,
It is Saturday night, and I though I would write a few lines, and tell you that I am thinking of you all. I started a bereavement support group on Tuesday night – through the Hospice that attended Butch here in our home at the end. You know – it was strange. I haven’t cried much in the last month – off and on, but – really – not much. BUT – the moment I walked into that room Tuesday night, I started crying, and – I couldn’t stop! I guess I needed that, though, so hopefully it will help me. We go for an hour and a half – for 8 weeks. I also go to a meeting on Wednesday night – from 7 to 9. There is a small group of people from my church – we get together, discuss the sermon from the previous Sunday, have refreshments, etc. It is really very nice. Butch and I joined that small group about 3 years ago, andf I have continued it. I find it helps to have these things to look forward to – it seemed very awkward going back to group without him, but it is OK now.
Well, I guess I will get into my pajamas, and sit in the recliner with Flashy. Maybe we will watch a movie. It is snowing – 5 to 10 inches were predicted. I got my errands done, and stayed in the house while the worst happens – it is a white, white world looking out my windows right now. It is supposed to stop by 7:00 in the morning. It would be a great night for a fire in the fireplace, but – I am too lazy to build it tonight!Love – Joyce
Hello ladies, it is Saturday night and I am planning to keep busy tomorrow and going to my Mums for dinner. I hope you are all OK and have a good Sunday. It is a whole new ball game learing to live on our own but I am sure we will get the hang of it soon. Just wanted you all to know I am thinking of you all.
Goodnight and Godbless.
Sue xSue,
I also do my bookkeeping the old fashioned way and feel I am an unpaid collector for the government! Hopefully things will get sorted out & back to as normal as things can get under these circumstances. I feel like my life will never really be normal again. Hope you are making some head way with your returns too.
Darla
HI Darla, Well done on your bookeeping, I am currently struggling with my VAT returns and I know the amount of self control it takes to get down to the figures rather than putting it off. Actually when you have finished it there is somthing quite satisfying about the rows of figures which add up (we never actually got around to putting our accounts on the computer so I use the ancient manual bookkeeping methods!). However, there is always the niggling feeling that you are an unpaid tax collector for the government! Hope you get youe permit sorted anyway! Best of luck.
Sue xHi Ladies,
I didn’t get out today as we had a slight ice & sleet storm over night & everything is like an ice rink! I didn’t really want to open the shop, so I decided to try to get some of my tax stuff together. I spent most of the day doing this, along with salting & sand where I could and then scraping off the front walk. What a mess. This sure has been a hard winter for us here in Wisconsin so far.
The taxes are another issue, as I don’t know exactly how Jim’s passing on will affect me there. I do know that since our sellers permit was in his name, I have to file sales tax for him until his date of death & then get a new permit in my name to file for the rest of the year. I can’t just transfer it to my name & file it all at once even though we ran the business together. The permit can only be in one name & is not transferrable even husband to wife. How dumb is that. Just one more crazy thing I will have to deal with. I think it is just another way for them to make a few more dollars! Anyway, since I was doing that, I got a good start on getting all our things together for filing taxes for 2008. I will call my accountant tomorrow to see if I have to do anything differently this year. I am sure there will be something. It never ends, does it? At least it did keep me busy for most of the day.
I haven’t had any heating problems, but the other day my plumbing was making strange noises, so I just plunged everything out good & it stopped. I hope that is the end of it!
Pauline, I hope your day went as planned & that it was an enjoyable experience for you. Joyce & Sue, I hope you both had a good day too.
Take Care All
Love,
DarlaHi All,
I think Ray must have been reading all our messages, he must have thought “if everyone else is having boiler problems, I shouoldn’t leave Sue out” because all afternoon my boiler has been blowing out!!! I think it must be something about the cold frosts we are having at the moment here Pauline, because it has been behaving itself for several weeks before now.
Darla, Thanks for you kind thoughts, I am feeling much better now, but unfortunately my Mum has the dreaded cold now so I am returning the compliment and looking after her now.
Joyce, yes Poppy is much better now thank you and is acting like a two year old again, especially as the vet said to give her all her favorite foods in small frequent meals, so she has been living like a king on chicken, rice, and even fillet steak once at my Mums! She is a Cavalier King Charles, black and tan with big seal eyes and an ever wagging tail, and she is great company for me. I am so relieved she has improved.
Darla, the only experience I had of smells was the week after Ray died. He was well known for his roast beef dinners and one day I woke up to the smell of roast beef, I dont know if it was only a dream but I could almost taste it it was so real.
When I have been out walking I sometime think I can hear him calling my name, but it is probably just birds calling. But I do feel he is around and at peace.
I am not looking forward to tomorrow, I will have to call all my customers up to explain about the currency problem, I know most of them will be expecting it but I know a couple will give me a hard time.
Pauline, I will take your advice, I think I need to start looking for a different job, your projects sound really interesting, I wish I knew what I wanted to do!
I think your idea of part time work seems a good one, Joyce, if I could find something part-time initially it will give me a taste of what is out there. My friend suggested agoing to a temp agency, just to do office work for a while until I decide what I really want to do, that way I could chose when and how much I wanted to work. I am sure your tiredness is not only due to work, emotionally we must all be drained after the past years and I dont suppose that will be quickly fixed. You also sound pretty isolated where you live so it must be a real effort to try to get out and about. I think we will all start feeling a bit better when the evenings start getting lighter, I have noticed a difference already even if it is only 20 minutes extra light.
I will never complain about S.A.D. again after this year!
Take care and try to keep warm everyone.
Sue xHi All,
Darla – Electronic – along with electrical – problems – seem to be the norm here. Remember my whole thing started with not just the lights, but the telephone! Actually – I LOST my cell phone when we were at the Univercity of Pittsburgh Hospital, and that sort of started the whole cell phone debaucle. I haven’t noticed any scents, but – how lovely – I would love to. It tells you that Jim is keeping a close eye on you, doesn’t it?
I, too, try to make sure I get out on the weekens when I am home. It is much harder this time of year – when spring comes, I hope we will be much better off. I live 15 minutes from anywhere, so – it is hard to motovate myself to drive into town, but – so much alone time is not good, I think.
Sue – I do wish I didn’t have to work quite as many hours as I have been working – actually, before Butch got sick, I was talking about cutting back to 4 days a week, and would love to do that. Probably no until next year, however – they hgave been good about my comings and goings, however – and it DOES keep my mind off my grief. I notice that at night I am SO tired – falling asleep early in the recliner – I guess I am emotionally exhausted – it can’t possible be physical.
Pauline – I THINK my furnace is fixed now – you wouldn’t believe how many electrical/electronic things have had to be fixed over the last couple of months! Your trip into town sounds so interesting to me – I wish we could go with you. I find retracing steps that Butch and I took IS sad, but comforting at the same time. My daughter gave me a digital picture frame for Christmas, and I have been making a slide show of pictures of Butch – at hoem, around town, and on all our trips. I have revisited many a place in pictures over the last few days. While I have cried, it makes me feel good to know we made those trips together, and he was so happy then. We made a bus trip out west in 2005 (we flew to Denver and home – the trip left from there) – a National Parks tour – and he especially loved that trip – he always had a fascination with cowboys and the west – and we both loved nature – so it was a wonderful experience. Good memories.
Well – off to church this morning, then – not sure! It is hard to motivate ourselves to do much right now, isn’t it?Love – Joyce
Dear friends,
It’s good to hear from you and I get the feeling that we’re all rather relieved that the holiday period is over. Thank you for thinking of us, Lainy. You are very kind and I hope life will be kind to you and Teddy this year.
I do think there comes a point where going out to work is a good thing, Sue. I wouldn’t want to be full time but getting a balance between time to reflect and time to be busy has certainly been important to me. It’s not so much that I find meaning in the work at the moment, it’s more that it gets me thinking of different things with people, some of whom know nothing of my situation. I am lucky in that I can choose the projects that I want to do and the amount of work I want to take on but I would certainly encourage you to try to find somthing that interests you and gets you out of the house for a few hours at least.
It’s been very cold here lately and, surprise,surprise, I have ongoing boiler problems too! It’s one of those very grey Sundays today and, as I have been stuck inside the house with flu for over a week I am thinking of taking myself into town today. I have been intending to visit the area around St Barts hospital for a while now. Anthony had his radiotherapy there at this time last year and we found it a fascinating part of London. We always intended to go for a walk around the area but Anthony wasn’t well enough. So I may go today and visit one of the oldest churches in London – St Bartholomew the Great which dates from the early 12th century. I will then go to St Paul’s and down to the river and back to an Italian cafe that Anthony and I occasionally went to before his treatments. It will be sad, of course, as all these things are but I think I need to do it.
Take care everyone and keep warm!
Love
PaulineHi All,
Just want to add to the electric problem issue. I have a light that is again acting strange. Lights, radio & blinkers in the van also & my new cell phone (not exactly electrical, but close enough) is not working at all!!!! Had to have the old one reactivated until I can get another. Has anyone noticed slight scents that you identify with your husband? Usually very subtle and not real often, just now & again. Just curious if anyone else has experienced this.
Sue, I hope that both you & the dog are feeling a lot better. I also know how you feel about becoming too reclusive. Having the business right below in the same building, I really don’t have much need to get out, but I do force myself to as I need to be away from here & in different surroundings now & then or it is just too easy to just never go anywhere. Even if it is just to the bank, post office, grocery, library or just a walk when the weather is good. It just feels good to get away from it all now & then. Sometimes it is just so easy to just stay in the safety of my comfort zone, but I know that is not healthy for me mentally. Oh, and good job with the fridge. It is amazing what we can do when we have no other choice, isn’t it?
Everyone take care & try to keep busy tomorrow.
Love To All,
DarlaHello All,
Lainy – I put that poem on my refrigerator – place of honor! It is very beautiful, and made me cry, but – I will read it each day to remind me that our loved ones are watching over us.Sue – Butch used to say we were trying to empty out the ocean with a teaspoon, when things just seemed to big for us! I guess that IS like eating an elephant!We will all do it together, though. Knowing we are all here for each other makes an amazing difference in how I feel. Good job on fixing the fridge! I am quite impressed. You are right about those electrical problems – even my brand new furnace, for goodness sake.
I hope your dog is comtinuing to get better? What kind of dog is she? I hope she is as loving as my dog Flash, and minds much, much better!
Love – joyce
Dear Pauline, Darla, Joyce and all our friends, just wanted to add a postscript to my last message, I fell we are all strong enough together to get through this terrible loss we have suffered this year. We are left here for a reason, and I think we all feel blessed to have been loved so much our our husbands. It is so comforting to feel that we can write to each other here and get unconditional support. It is a real blessing.
We will go together into the New Year with hope and faith.
love Sue xDear Lainy,
It is lovely to know you are thinking of us at this time, your poem made me cry it was so beautiful. When we are dealing with the hard practicalities of life without our loved ones it is easy to forget that they are watching over us.
All my love to you and Teddy – Darla said it all – we are all wishing you the very best in this new year.Joyce, It is amazing how these electrical problems continue to haunt us!
Our fridge freezer packed up today, in the past Ray had dismantelled it and used a hairdrier to get rid of the ice around the working parts so I got a screwdriver and stripped it down to the heat exchanger and tried to copy what he used to do. And it worked! I felt as if he was patting me on the back! only a small thing in view of what needs to be done, but nevertheless it gave me a bit of a boost.
I shall continue doing things bit by bit – as my best friend said the way to eat an elephant is a little bit at a time!
I am taking the Christmas decorations down now and will try to be positive for this coming year – after all Ray was always a “cup half full” man and I was the opposite so I am going to try to be more like he was.
I agree with you, Joyce, in hoping that the new year will give us all the strength we need to continue.
All my love,
Sue xLainy,
Thanks for posting the poem again. I copied it out the first time you posted it & read it every day, sometimes twice a day. It really has given me a lot of comfort, especially when I am having a really bad day.
I am hoping for the best for you & Teddy in the new year. You have been very blessed. Cherish every moment. Stay strong & keep fighting.
Pauline, Joyce & Sue along with everyone else whow is grieving for their loved ones that have been lost to this terrrible disease, may the new year give us the strength we need to go on. I am thinking of all of you all the time.
Love,
Darla
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