Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

To Darla, Joyce, Pauline and Sue: Fortunately I cannot know the emotions that you feel since Teddy is still with me. I have watched your posts and just felt the urge to put this poem in one more time, that I just love. What more can I say as I have not walked in your shoes. I have thought of you girls often and hope this will mean a little something to you.

If I should be the first to go,
And leave you alone, My Dear,
Let not your heart be lonely,
Nor in your eye a tear.

Grieve not for me, my darling,
I’ll not be far away,
With petals of love and tenderness,
I’ll pave for you the way.

To join me in our sanctuary,
And ne’er again we’ll part,
Grieve not for me, my darling,
I live within your heart.

Take joy again in living,
As you did in years gone by,
God knows of what He’s doing,
And not be questioned why,

Grieve not for me, my darling,
My life with you on earth,
Each moment filled with happiness,
And love so few be worth.

I’ll be waiting for you Sweetheart,
Where skys are ever blue,
With eager heart and open arms,
Patiently for you.

Grieve not for me, my darling,
May faith and my love keep
Your soul filled with contentment,
Eternally I sleep.

Dear Darla, Pauline & Joyce,
I would like to wish you all the best in this New Year. It cant possibly be as bad as 2008 was for all of us. I hope that we will all get stronger as the year grows older.
Thanks for your good wishes Darla, I agree that knowing you all are going through the same as me is a lifeline.
This difficult period is over for us all now, Christmas and Boxing day were a bit hard but I managed by keeping busy like you did, Joyce.
We kept the memorial candle from when my dad died, and the last three christmasses we have lit his candle and said a toast to him, this year there were two candles to light which was a very sad moment.
All the girls and their families came over on Boxing day and I had got them all some special presents which they could keep to remember their Dad by, again we had some tears but all in all the day was not too bad, however on Boxing day night my little dog was really ill and we thought we were going to loose her, she was so sick she couldnt even keep water dawn, so I took her to the vets who said it was either gastroenteritis or Heart failure, so we just had to wait and see if she recovered, Luckily she is almost back to normal now, it is the thirteenth birthday today, and my daughter doesnt know how her heart is still managing to work it is so irregular – I am just very grateful she is still here I dont think I could cope without her at the moment.
Pauline, like you I was really ill after Christmas, for three days I felt absolutely terrible with the flu, luckily my Mum was staying and I dont know how she managed it but she looked after me and Poppy until we started to feel better.
The 30th December would have been our 23rd Anniversary, and I wasnt looking forward to it, but my daughter had arranged for one of my oldest friends (who is also Sams Godmother) to come over and spend the night, we watched Mamma mia, had a few tears but also laughed a lot so it was good therapy.
I fully intened to go down to our local Pub last night, but half way through getting ready I just started crying, and thought to myself that I couldnt do it, so I stayed in with my dog and watched movies and tried to forget what day it was. When the fireworks went off at midnight I toasted Ray and said happy birthday to the dog and had a good sleep. I dont know if it is just me or if it is the same with you all, but my overwhelming feeling at the moment is of extreme exhaustion, and lack of motivation. I know I will have to do something in the new year to give my life some structure.
My business will not now bring in enough money for me to live on (I import speciality chemicals from Belgium and the drop in the value of the pound, especially just before Christmas means most of my customers have stopped buying), I think I will give myself a few months then try to get another job.
Joyce, did it help you to get back to work, I know you found it was very hard at first, but you seem to be coping better with it now?
My main problem is that if I continue to work and live at home alone I will get like a recluse, and I think I need to spread my wings a bit wider.
I dont know if you all feel as I do , but now Christmas and New Year is over, I am thinking “What now?”.
Love to all,
Sue x

Hello all,
Just a note to say we are half-way there! We got Christmas over with – now we need to be past New Year’s – I am thinking this will not be easy. It is not as though we were big partiers – we usually went out to eat with my parents, and then went home and watched the ball drop -IF we didn’t fall asleep! But – we always brought in the New Year together, and this New Year’s will be very difficult, for all of you also, I am sure. Iwill be thinking of you. We have decided to go out to eat – my daughter and her husband, and the Grandchildren, then MAYBE go to the movies. I am not sure yet, but – sitting home alone is probably not a good idea, I should think. I hope you all make a plan, too.

I hope you all got thru Christmas as best we could – it WAS difficult, but having the love of my family helped, as I hope was the case for all of you. I am so happy to have my Granddaughters – they are wonderful girls, and so thoughful of my feelings. We are all trying to establish new traditions – we had a toast at Christmas dinner – non-alcoholic champagne – to Butch, and I hope to do that every year from now on.

The weather has been unbelievably balmy the last few days – up around 60, in fact. The snow all melted, and it seems very surreal – I will take it though!

Love, Joyce

Dear Friends,
I am just getting the house ready for Christmas, and I will have to pack away my laptop from the dining room table so I can set the table for tomorrow.
I just wanted to tell you I will be thinking about you all over the next few days. I would like to wish you “Merry Christmas” but I know it will not be a merry one, so instead I wish you “Peace at Christmastime” and hope your friends and family bring you comfort.
My love to all.
Sue x

Hi all,
Just sat here watching the trees blow in the wind and trying to look at the stars. Ray was a great one for watching the stars, I remember once we took our touring caravan to the vendee and stayed in a campsite in the middle of a farm growing sunflowers, there was no light pollution and at night we could see so many stars, we laid on rug in the middle of the night and just looked out at the trillions of stars we could see. And when we went to see Rays sister in Spain last year he noticed that she could see the same star group from her kitchen window as we could from ours in the Uk and he told her that she should look at the stars and remember him, and he would know when she did. So Darla and Joyce, just remeber you will see the same stars as Pauline and I , Just in a different allignment, and at a different time, so in the same ways our husbands will see the same things, just from a different place, and they will be thinking of us too.
Joyce, we havent heard from you for a while, are you OK?
Talk to you all again soon,
Love Sue

Dear Darla, Pauline and Joyce,
I am sure what we are all going through is normal, and is part of the grieving process, nevertheless, knowing that doesnt make things any easier. My mum is a great help at the moment, we lost my Dad three years ago, he had bone and bowel cancer and suffered greatly over the last three years of his life. My mum said that all she could picture in her mind was him at the end of his life, which was heartbreaking, and it took a year before she started to remember him as he was in his prime. Also she told me that most widows have an overwhelming urge to do something to change their lives or houses etc. she had the bathroom ripped out and redone as a wetroom, which would have been so useful for my Dad, but he couldnt bear the upheaval. Similarly I am planning to redecorate two bedrooms, Ray chose the colours before he died, and even painted one wall in an accent colour before he ran out of steam – my Mum said it was quite theraputic for her as it gave her something creative to focus on – in my case I dont have much choice except to decorate as our bedroom now has one deep pink wall, three yellow walls and a blue carpet!
It is hard having to do these things on our own, but when I have done something I havent done before it gives me a sense of acheivement – I mended the candle bridge decorations when they wouldnt light up, but got stuck with trying to replace a spotlight which got stuck (my friends husband bless him came and helped out with that one!) – still having electrical problems you notice!!!
What I am really saying, pauline, is not to be too distrubed when you cant remember a particular instance, my Mum says the memories come flooding back when we are in a state of mind to be happy remembering these, not when they may cause us more pain.
I am thinking of you all in antisipation of Christmas, perhaps it wont be as bad as we fear, I am sure there will be pllenty of tears but as long as we can have some smiles as well, I am sure we can all cope,
God bless, and all my love,
Sue