Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Dear Pauline,
I also am so glad that we have each other. especially now, when each day I seem to be finding it harder & harder. Atleast we are crying together & hopefully one day we will also be able to smile again & maybe even laugh again together.
I am having a hard time with certain memories, too. I am trying to remember all those times, as unknown to us they would be our last & I am frustrated at not being able to recall things either. Since Jim didn’t even have any symptoms until the middle of July, I never dreamed that he would not be here to share a lot more memories with me and how important those memories would become.
It is the same with the dreams, I haven’t dreamed about him much like I had hoped I would & I can not recall most dreams when I wake, up no matter how hard I try. Maybe I am trying too hard & need to just relax & let go, then the dreams & memories would come. Who knows. Just a thought.
I don’t know what I will do to keep busy today. We had a lot more snow again last night & now it has gotten frigidly cold, so I won’t be going anywhere. I also don’t feel it will pay to open the shop as who would come? So here I will stay, alone, trying to keep my mind occupied. I don’t even want to go out & shovel all that snow as it is way too cold out there!
I hope the rest of you have better luck surviving the day. It really is hard isn’t it? Just when you think you are doing a bit better something else happens to knock the wind right out of you again! Atleast we all have each other to lean on to keep us going. Try to have a good day everyone or atleast to get through it the best you can. Take care and know that I am thinking about all of you.
Love & Hugs To All,
DarlaDear friends,
I am so glad we have each other at this time of year. I find I am getting sadder and sadder as each day goes by in this approach to Christmas. I have tried my best to ignore it all but it clearly hasn’t worked because I just find myself crying and crying every day when I am alone.
I decided to focus on some good memories of our Christmases together. I started with last year and was disturbed to find that I can’t remember a single thing about it. We always spent the day on our own and always enjoyed it very much so I know what we did last year, I just have no memory of it. I will keep trying because it was our last Christmas together and the memories would be very precious to me.
It never occurred to me in the last year that this could be our last Christmas, birthday, anniversary, new year etc. We were always so positive in our determination to fight this awful disease and I truly believed that my strong, brave and brilliant husband would stay in this world for a lot longer, despite having cc. He was so full of life, ideas and vitality that I couldn’t imagine that this disease would take him so quickly and so suddenly. I suppose the shock has taken some of my memories away. I hope they come back!
When Anthony died I imagined that I would dream about him all the time but I don’t or at least I don’t remember the dreams. I really want to do this because on the two occasions when I have it has been beautiful. Do any of you have the same problem?
Anyway, I hope you are all surviving this pre Christmas Sunday!
Thinking of you
PaulinePauline,
I know what you mean. I was out for dinner with friends. We talked a lot about Jim & it made me feel good. Now I am back home alone & just wandering aimlessly around the rooms. Thinking of Jim & looking at pictures. Sometimes I think it is getting worse instead of better. I too can not believe that I will never see Jim again. He will never be here with me again. It is just so hard to believe. The nights are the worst & when I wake up in the morning I hope that this was all a bad dream (nightmare is more like it) and he will be here beside me and none of this will have happened. Some times I feel like I am strong & doing OK and then the simplest thing will just make me fall apart. The holidays & the weather don’t help either.Joyce,
Like you, I wouldn’t mind the bad weather so much if Jim were here with me. I have good memories of time we spent together doing nothing special but just being together when we were homebound because of the bad weather. It truely is not the same, is it?Sue,
You are right. We do have to try to think more about all the good times we had with our husbands. A lot of people never have that.I think I am going to follow Joyce & Pauline and make myself a hot chocolate, then go to bed & try to get some sleep.
In some strange way, it is comforting to know that we are all going through this together and that we all know & understand how it feels. I am thinking of all of you & hoping that we can all somehow make it through the holidays without too much difficulty. I know it won’t be easy, but at least we have each other to lean on. Take care ladies and keep in touch.
Love & Hugs To All Of You,
DarlaDear Sue, Joyce and Darla,
I am sitting here feeling so lonely and thinking of you all going through this unbearable time of year. I have been trying to keep busy with my work but I find that every time I stop I get terribly upset and start crying very easily. There are just too many memories at this time of year, aren’t there?
Anyway, I intend to be brave for my family’s sake too. I try to keep the tears to my private moments. As you say, Christmas is going to be hard for all of our children and grandchildren as well and having to support them may actually help us to cope. I think it must be very hard for your daughters to be working in the health profession, caring for very ill people and it must have been very difficult for your daughter, Sue, when she saw the cancer patient who reminded her of her dad. These sorts of reminders are really heartbreaking. I have broken down several times lately when I have seen cancer patients and their carers on television. It reminds me so much of everything we went through and how absolutely nothing prepared me for the devastation that lay ahead. I am crying again now while writing this. Sometimes I feel I have made no progress at all in over 4 months and I just want Anthony back so desperately. I still can’t really believe that I will never see him again.
Anyway, I am going to take your lead, Joyce, and have a hot chocolate. I shall take it up to bed and try to sleep.
Take care, Darla and Joyce in all that snow. I think trying to remember the good times is important, Sue. Let’s all try that!
Keep in touch! With love,
PaulineHi Joyce,
Its good to know we feel the same. I am going to try to talk to all the girls and grandchildren over the holidays so they can talk things through. I will make a point of telling them that I am there for them too and they dont have to be brave for me.
It is a horrible rainy night tonight, some friends invited me to go down to sing carols round the Christmas tree with mince pies and mulled wine but I texted them to say I was not up for going out in this weather, but I think I might have made a mistake and should have gone but it is hard to motivate myself sometimes, and also I was a bit scraed that the singing might make me cry.
Anyway Joyce, enjoy the pretty view of the snow outside your window. Hopefully you do not have to go out too much over the weekend, so can stay nice and warm. I think you should make up that fire and make yourself the hot chocolate and remember the good times you had with Butch, try to remember the happy ones before he got ill. We are lucky in having had those moments aren’t we. many poeple never have them.
I am thinking of you and all our frineds tonight as Christmas approaches.
All my love,
SueSue,
I know what you mean about other family members being strong for us. When I picked my Granddaughter up from school yesterday (her Mom was out of town), I saw her notebook – she has Grandpa Butch’s memory card taped to the front of it. When I mentioned it, she teared up and said “Christmas just isn’t the same, is it Grandma? Actually, nothing is”. Now – she hasn’t said much at all until that, and I suddenly realized they have been holding back their own feelings, trying to spare me. So – we had a long talk, and I told her that she has been very brave girl – but – she has a right to mourn also, and we will all get through this together. In addition, My daughter is a nurse, and she works in long term care, so she has had to deal with those resident’s probelms along with this happening in our lives. I do tend to forget how bad they all feel in the midst of my own pain. I will try to be more aware from now on.
Yesterday when I got my hair trimmed, I talked to a girl who lost her Dad last January. She said she wanted to skip the first 3 years after he passed, to get past some of the pain! I know what she means – the freshness of our grief makes it hard to get past. Everything we do seems a bit “hollow”, but I intend to try to continue to live my normal life, day after day, and – someday – I hope we all feel some joy once again.
There is a snowstorm going on outside – we are getting up to 2 inches an hour. It is quite beautiful looking out the window. I have come home from work, and will finish the day working from here. If Butch were here with me, he would be making a fire in the fireplace, and I would make us some hot chocolate. Now – I can do the same thing – I know how to make a fire (actually, I made most of them!), and I can make myself some hot chocolate, but – it just isn’t the same, is it?Love – Joyce
Hello everyone,
Having a bit of a blip today. Just finished talking to my daughter on the phone she is in her final year at medical school and doing ward duty. She admitted a man on her ward today with terminal liver cancer and had to run out of the ward as he looked so much like her Dad during his last few days. The Doctor and Sister were very nice to her, she hadn’t told them about her Dad and when she did they gave her leave from the ward and were very nice to her. The thing was that she kept apologising on the phone whilst she was telling me, saying she was sorry she didnt want to uspset me. It made me think that she has tried to be strong for me all this time, while she must have been bottling her feelings up. I realise now how brave she has been these last two years, she must have been dealing with things that reminded her of her dads condition all this time. She is coming home for a few days at Christmas so I will have to give her some TLC.
I am not looking forward to Christmas at all, I keep thinking how to do things differently so we wont all be reminded of the empty chair, but whatever we do it will still be upsetting. I suppose this first Christmas will be the worst and we will just have to get through it but it wont be easy.
I hope it wont be as bad as we fear for all our sakes.
Love to all,
SueHi Everyone,
Pauline, I am doing OK, not great, but OK. Thanks for asking. I too am dealing with the holidays by not dealing with it!
Joyce & Sue, I too think that the two of you are dealing much better with the holidays than Pauline & I. I am only doing minimally what I absolutely have to. I will try to make an effort on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day, but I really just wish it would all go away!
Sue, I am glad that you & your mother had a nice time in Spain.
Marion, Thanks for sharing the link, I am going to check it out.
Patty, Thanks for sharing your thoughts & Christmas memories. I hope that in the future I may be able to do the same, but right now I just can’t deal with it yet.
Charlene, I am also thinking of you & everyone else here. As Pauline said, we are all here for you when you need us.
It is so cold here & we had more snow last night & are expecting another 10-12 inches in the next day or so! I hate it!!!!! Just one more thing to deal with. Joyce, get ready as it will probably be heading your way if it doesn’t fall apart on it’s way there.
So, everyone take care & do the best you can to get through this holiday season. I am thinking of all of you.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHello everyone,
It’s good to hear from you all and to find that we’re all trying to deal with Christmas as best we can. There is obviously no easy way to cope with this season and I think it’s good that we are each choosing to do what seems best for us, rather than getting pushed into things that we don’t want to do.
My way of coping with it is to try to avoid it as far as possible and, especially to avoid the things that Anthony and I always did together e.g. shopping, getting and putting up a tree etc etc. I do find though that it is very difficult to completely avoid because, as you say Sue, it is everywhere on the television and radio, in the shops, in the newspapers. It upsets me a lot when certain pieces of music come on the radio and I find myself crying as I’m driving along sometimes. I’m going to make a real effort for the grandchildren on Christmas Day though because they obviously come first and I want them to have a great time.
I’m really pleased that you had a good break in Spain, Sue. It must have been nice just to get away from this very cold winter. I know how awful the birthdays and all those monthly anniversaries are Joyce and I understand completely that feeling of trying to pick yourself up afterwards. It is very hard and I sometimes wonder where the strength to carry on comes from. I suppose it’s that the alternative is worse and leads to dependency on others.
I think what you’re doing in looking back at items that are full of memories of past Christmases sounds lovely, Patty. I hope it will help all the family. Thank you for the reference, Marion. I think it’s something we could look into. Finding links with people who understand is certainly very important, isn’t it?
I also think you are both making a really good effort for Christmas, Sue and Joyce – much better than me and I know how hard it must be for you to get out those old decorations etc. I can’t even consider opening the basket where we keep ours! Christmas Eve was also another lovely time for us. I think I’m going to have a glass or two of wine on my own, talk to Anthony and try to remember some former Christmases.
How are you Darla? I hope you’re ok. I know you’re finding things really hard at the moment too! Also, Charlene, I’m thinking of you too. Are you back home now? Do get in touch when you are ready. We will all support you as best we can.
Take care everyone! With love,
PaulineHI All,
I think we all are a little scared to look at things that remind us of the past, but when we dig out all the christmas decorations, photos whatever, although they hurt at first, once we have got over the initial feelings they are very comforting, and after all Christmas is about children and they are the future. I am very lucky that Ray has left me with a living legacy of my daughter, two dear stepdaughters and three grandchildren. We spent the last 18 months after Ray was diagnosed building up happy momories for everyone to store up for the future. It brought us all closer together, and in their children and grandchildren our loved ones will live on.
So we cant be sad this Christmas! We need to celebrate their lives and their childrens futures.
My love to all who are missing their loved ones at this time.
Sue
xI put up a special tree for my mom, too. When I moved 3 years ago I packed away my Christmas stuff and hadn’t put up a tree since it’s just me but my mom loved Christmas and I wanted to decorate one in her memory. So yesterday I dug up that box and found several surprises in it. When I pulled out my grandma’s small, fake tree it looked a mess but I was able to bend the branches back into shape and it looks so delicate and beautiful. My 4 year old niece helped me decorate the very tiny tree, it looks very simple and is a peaceful scene.
I also found the nativity set I had given my grandma that I ended up with and a favorite X-mas decoration of mine from when we were growing up that I had completely forgotten about and that my mom gave me one year when I asked why she wasn’t putting it up at her house. My niece asked if the nativity people are also people you can play with so she made up stories for them for a while. I also redecorated a wreath that was looking kind of ragged with some of my mom’s decorations. Then my sister came to pick up my niece with my baby nephew and we had pancakes and cookies at 4:00pm, it was a really good day!
Patty
Hello everyone,
Marion – I will certainly look into that group. How kind of you to share the info with us – thanks.Pauline – I would love to meet with you – I hope it will be possible.
Sue – I decorated my house also, although Christmas spirit is hare to come by this year. I hung all of Butch’s ornaments on a small tree – the golf ball that says “Grandpa”, the football Santa, the “HO-HO ball in one” golf ball, the mailtruck , etc. It made me cry, but, now – it is comforting. U also took my Grandchildren Christmas shopping, and last weekend I made Christams cookies with my daughter. It all feels a bit holllow, but I try to remember that this is what Butch wanted for me to do. I am going to buy tickets for my Daughter’s family and I to go see “A Christmas Carol at our local playhouse as part of their gift, also.
Last Friday was the worst day. The two month anniversary on the 9th was bad enough, but his birthday was on the 12th, and it really was the pits. I had a hard time working my way back up from that slump, but am much better as this week goes on.
I try to always remember that I was SO lucky to have Butch as as a husband. We had such a good marriage, and a good life together.
I hope you will always remember the happy times also, and that they will comfort you as we all move along on this sad journey.
Love,
Joyce
Hi All,
I thought to pass this on just, in case. I don’t know anything about this group however, it appears to be an international organization and, I was pleasantly surprised to see that it is represanted in the UK, also. I wish for me to have known about it two years ago when my husband passed away.GriefShare groups meet across the US, Canada, the UK, Australia and in other countries. You can find one near you at http://www.griefshare.org .
My heart and thoughts are with you, always
Hugs
MarionHello everyone, How kind of you to think of me while I was on holiday. The week went well, and we were lucky that we had some good weather, nearly every afternoon we were able to sit on our balcony in the sunshine which was a real bonus. It also gave me and Mum opportunity to talk things through – I think it did her as much good as me as she has been feeling helpless and frustrated, wanting to make things better for me, so spending these days together helped.
I am back home now and trying to think of the best way to get through Christmas. It is the little things that are difficult, one of our supermarkets, ASDA have an advert for Christmas with the tune “Its getting to look a lot like Christmas” and I remembered that Ray used to sing along with it every time it came on last year, the first time I heard it I cried, but now I am trying to think of it as a gift that helps me think Ray is still with us in spirit.
I have decided to go all out and decorate the house for Christmas with all the decorations I have accumulated over the years, I want it to look festive for the grandchildren, and try to make it as good a time as possible. Christmas eve and Christmas day will be sad, but we always had a big party with all the family on Boxing day and I am still going ahead with that.
I have found that talking to Ray really helps as you all said, but I havent been able to do it until quite recently.
I really cant quite believe that it has only been two months since Ray died as it seems much longer.
Pauline, I think that your pland for a new job sounds very exciting, I am sure that it will give you a new challenge and do you good. I think come spring I will look for a part time job to take me out of the house, and also to help top up my income.Today is cold but nice and sunny so I am going to take the dig for a walk to the church – I have bought some bunches of berries and greenery which hopefully wont die in the cold.
It is good to catch up with what everyone is doing – I hope you are all getting by OK this week.
Lots of love,
Sue xDear all,
I know it is 2 months now since you lost your husbands Joyce and Sue and I know how hard these events are. I am thinking of you both. Time goes by but it is still so hard, isn’t it?
The school is in New York City, Joyce, but if I do come over in the spring I will certainly try to find time to travel and meet you. That would be really good.
I hope you and Darla aren’t suffering too much from the cold and snow. None of this helps us, does it?
I hope you are ok Sue. Let us know how Spain was.
Anyway, love to you all. Take care!
Pauline
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