Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hi Pauline,

I will watch for your picture. It is good to know that our self guilt & blame are “normal” and very common , but as you said, it doesn’t change how we feel or resolve the issues for us. We will just have to work through it along with everything else.

Everyone take care & try to enjoy the rest of the weekend & keep busy!!!!!

Love,
Darla

Hi Everyone,

It sure does seem like we are all having a hard time of it right now. I like Pauline am dealing with those last few days & what was left undone & unsaid. We are both trying to work our way through this, but as hard as we try, the memories keep coming back. I am glad that the counseling seems to be helping you some Pauline.

I too had decided I can not deal with sending out Christmas cards. I never thought about the ones that may come to both of us from those who do not know Jim has past away, but at least we are now more prepared for it. Christmas is not going to be easy for any of us this year, is it.

Sue, have a nice time with your Mom in Spain. Pauline, the new work does sound interesting & hopefully will keep you busy so you don’t dwell on everything as much. I know tho’ that it never really goes away completely. The fact that you may be coming to the states is exciting. Joyce lives in New York state, so there may be a chance of the two of you meeting. That would be nice. It really would be great if we could all meet some day.

I know what you mean about there being no pleasure in anything because there is no longer anyone to share it with. My son said I need to do something for me that makes me happy. I told him that what we were doing is what I enjoyed & what made me happy, but like you said there is no pleasure in doing it alone. I do have the memories, but being here alone is so sad & lonely.

I haven’t really gotten rid of many of Jim’s things yet. They are all around me along with a lot of pictures. Right now it gives me some comfort to have it all here yet. I have gone through a few things, but most of it is still in the drawers & closets just like before. I know that when I do start to deal with it, it will be so hard to do.

Joyce, I too hope that you will be OK without the anti depressants. I didn’t take them either, so I am not sure how it will affect you. As for counseling, I have not done that either. I do have a few friends & relatives to talk to that are also good at listening & understanding and I really think I get the most out of coming here & sharing with all of you.

Joyce you seem to be doing a good job of keeping yourself busy & having your Grandaughters is a real blessing. I also have had a few more experiences with lights & other electrical things. I think it is just their way of letting us know that they are still with us in spirit & are watching over us.

Well, everyone take care and try to keep busy this up coming weekend. It is really hard for me to want to even go anywhere since we started to get all this cold & snow, but I have to try to get out a little, because just being here does get very depressing.

Love To All,
Darla

Dear Darla, Joyce and Pauline,
We all seem to have been going through a rough patch just lately. I had a really bad day yesterday. I wanted to get all my Christmas cards sent off before I went on holiday, as quite a few people we send cards to dont know Ray has died. So yesterday I spent all day writing cards and by the end of it I was really depressed after explaining about Rays death so many times.
I just wanted to stop the cards coming addressed to Ray and Sue.
Anyway it is done now.
I am looking forward to getting away for a week, I think I need the rest Ijust feel so exhaused all the time.
I hope you all have a good week, and will catch up with you when I get back.
Love Sue x

Hello Group,
Well – it is Sunday again. I will get ready to go to church in a while – did I tell you that I started going back to our “small groups” meeting again? It is on Wednesday nights – a few couples from our church meet at one couple’s home – we have refreshments and talk about the sermon from the previous week, pray together, and in general have a nice time. It was hard to go alone at first – Butch and I always went together, but – I do find it a comfort. Those people are all my friends – they were all with us this whole way, and I love them.
I am also missing my blog. I started a blog to keep everyone informed about Butch. I stopped it when he passed away. I miss writing and am thinking about starting a new one – I believe I can have an icon to the old one on the new site, but I did find the writing cathargic and a way to express myself. The blog was “joycebutchclegg.blogspot.com” and it tells our story about his illness, hospital stays, etc. I go there and look sometimes, and reread our journey to this sad point.
I have boxed up all the clothes, etc. and given them away. I keep a box of keepsakes on his dresser – I kept his glasses, wallet, personal things, watch, ring, and I look in there from time to time. It was very hard to box up those things, but I feel better – it just tore me up everytime I looked at those clothes. I kept a couple of his favorite shirts, etc. I am surrounded by pictures of him golfing as I sit here – I still have a lot of things here for me to remember him, but – I did empty out the house a bit. I can hear him saying – “I don’t care what you do with this stuff when I am gone – leave it alone now!”. He was kind of a pack rat and I was always wanting to weed out – he objected.
I have never gone for grief counseling – I still might go, but I haven’t up to this point. I think what has helped me the most is returning to work. I have to admit, my mind is not always on what I am doing there, but – all in all – it does help me to keep busy, outside of this house. I also had a great time with the kids this weekend – a bit weepy at points, but they seem to understand – they just pat my back and say “it’s going to be all right, Grandma”. God love them, I just tell them I am trying to work through the grief, and they usually cry with me!
I like to think that someday we might all meet – it would certainly be wonderful. In the meantime, this works for me! I feel I have a place where we are all going through the same things at almost the same time, and it is wonderful to be able to express ourselfs. This IS grief management. Did I tell you that the streetlight on either side of my house has gone out, and not been replaced – about a month ago – this is another ones of thoses “lights” stories we talked about – very strange, indeed. my neighbor even called the town to tell them that the lights were blown out!
I am trying to cut down on the medication they gave me – the anti-depressant – and it is difficult. I took them all through the summer and now I probably need to wean off. They have helped me – I don’t think I could have done this without them. The Doctor assures me that they are not addictive, but – one never knows, and I think it is best to try to cope without them.
Well – on to church. Everyone try to keep busy today, and avoid the blues if you can.

Love – Joyce

I usually start my day out by coming on here and reading the new postings. It always makes me feel better, not so alone. Patty, I love that poem – thank you so much. Sue – hope your night out goes well. It is very difficult for me – beng the “5th wheel’ at most events, but I assume that “this too shall pass”. My duaghter mentioned that it seemed funny – her setting the Thanksgiving table for 9 instead of 8 – it is new to all of us. My Granddaughters asked me to take them to the cemetary yesterday, and I did – we all had a cry, talked to Grandpa for a minute, and they seemed to feel better after we left. I told them I was thinking about putting a little bench there, for us to sit on and think, but I haven’t quite decided yet if that is a good idea. Anyway, I took them Christmas shpping for their Mom and Dad (this is our little tradition the day after Thanksgiving), and then we came home and watched the movie. They will go home later today – I have enjoyed the company, I can tell you.

I am dreading the 1st snowstorm – I am not sure i can handle the snowblower, but – I will need to! We have been lucky so far – only light flurries kind of stuff – it will be here though – this IS central New York, after all! I live to look at snow – just don’t like to drive in it!

I am ALMOST finished with the Christmas table topper I embroidered all those weeks while Butch was in the hospital, and home here on hospice. I have about an hour or two of stitching to go, and I couldn’t pick it up – too many memories. I picked it up the other night and worked on it – it is Ok now – the good memories of our marriage will outnumber the bad, and every time I get that table topper out at Christmas time for the rest of MY life, I will think of Butch.

Try to have a good weekend everyone – Love – Joyce

Joyce,

I think you have a great attitude & you do seem to be doing OK. It is nice that you can spend time with your Grandaugthers & the rest of your family. I think you are right, we need to be able to talk & to remember. I know all of the up coming events are going to be hard for all of us. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc., but we will just have to stick together & be there to support each other.

Patty,

I am in Plymouth, WI which is about 1 hour north of Milwaukee and approximately half way between Sheboygan & Fond du Lac. I have an antique shop. I would love to have you stop in some time. Thanks for sharing the poem. I did go to the site to read the whole thing. It really is profound. You can’t have one without the other. Joy & sorrow do go hand in hand.

Everyone take care.

Love,
Darla

It is strange how people think it’s better not to talk about the person but to me it seems like forgetting our loved ones or pretending like they just stepped out of the room and ignoring the reality.

Some close friends invited us for a BBQ with other close friends a few weeks after my Mom died and my sister didn’t want to go but I told her our friends probably were doing it for us, that they wanted to make sure we got out of the house and to see how we were doing and we should go but it was strange to me that nobody really asked about my Mom, it seemed like the elephant in the room. I think some people just don’t instinctively know how to act or what to say and others do. I stopped in on Saturday to see another friend and she knew to ask and was not uncomfortable, she even said her mother had been pestering her to find out how I was doing.

Tonight for Thanksgiving my aunt invited us over for dessert and I know she misses my Mom, too, and she has called over the past few months to see how we are doing and to invite me to stop in for tea. Tonight she brought up my Mom and how hard the holiday must be and then later when we were joking about something and I made her laugh she said I was just like my Mom and that made me feel good. I gave my mother’s eulogy and one of things I said was that she could always be counted on to make you laugh at a family party by saying something goofy and I know my aunt knew exactly what I was talking about. My cousin was there, too, and she is a nurse and helped us care for my mother and was devastated by her loss as well. I felt comforted being in the presence of others who miss my Mom and feel her absence in the room.

Tonight I am reminded of the words of Kahlil Gibran:

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,
and you will see that in truth
you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

You can see the whole poem here:

http://www.katsandogz.com/onjoy.html

On another note, Darla, where in Wisconsin are you? And what sort of shop do you have? I am in Chicago but have friends in Wisconsin and have been meaning to pay them a visit, if your shop is on the way maybe I will stop in and say hi one of these days.

Patty