Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Dear all,
I find the anger comes and goes, Sue. I can be irritated by lots of things and have to check myself in case I’m being unfair. I think it’s pretty normal because of what we’re going through. I suppose I feel everyone around me should be feeling awful about Anthony’s death and I get very annoyed if they don’t talk about him or aren’t keeping in touch with me. I mainly keep the anger inside though as I don’t want to become a pain to everyone but I know that I am openly irritable at times.
I think this is probably one stage that you’re going through and perhaps you are tired as well which can make you more bad tempered. I find I am still very tired even though I don’t seem to do a lot.
I suggest you try to rest and perhaps do something to remind you of some of the good times with Ray. I find that talking about some of the good times with friends or family can be very helpful.
I hope you are ok Darla and Joyce. I hope thanksgiving will be an opportunity to remember some lovely times. I know it will be sad but I hope you can capture some of that beautiful sadness that comes with beautiful memories.
With love
PaulineHi everyone,
It has been quite a hard week this week, I have been so bad tempered with everyone, and I feel really angry that Ray was taken away from us. Sam and my two stepdaughters are also finding it hard now, almost harder than it was at first. I suppose you both went through this stage, Darla and Pauline, please tell me it gets a bit easier.
Pauline I think it is such a nice idea to get everyone together to remember Anthony’s birthday. I think we sometimes forget that friends are grieving as well as family, and it gives everyone chance to talk together.
Darla and Joyce, I hope thanksgiving is not to bad for you, try to think about the good times you had, and try to laugh with your families.
Love to all,
SueDear Pauline,
I am sure it was hard to deal with Anthony’s birthday. It does sound like you handled it OK, but I know how much it still hurts. There are so many of these things we will be dealing with for the first time alone. For me Thanksgiving will be hard & Christmas even worse. I too am trying to avoid as much as I can & just keep trying to get by. Jim & I also did all of our shopping etc. together so I really don’t want to face all of this alone either, but we have no choice, do we? It is all so sad & depressing. I see no joy in anything right now.
I too find comfort in Jim’s things. I don’t know if or when I will be able to part with everything. I know it won’t bring him back, but it just makes you feel like a small part of them is still here with us. These are all things we will have to deal with when we are ready to.
I, like you, can’t seem to make an effort to be with people. You don’t really want to be alone, and yet, it is harder to be around people trying to act like everything is OK when it will never be OK again.
It sure would be nice if we could all meet some day. I am hoping that you & Sue will be able to get together.
I am going to just try to get through Thanksgiving as best I can. I hope that your get together on Saturday helps to give you some comfort.
Take care Pauline. Know that I am thinking about you & the others, too.
Love,
DarlaDear Darla, Sue and Joyce,
I hope you are all ok. I know thanksgiving is coming up in the States and I hope both of you will get through it alright, Darla and Joyce. I’m sure it will be difficult. Here Christmas preparations are all around and I find it unbearable. I am going to try and avoid as much of it as I can. Anthony and I used to love this time of year and we used to go shopping together for all the food and presents. This year it’s just so depressing.
It was Anthony’s birthday yesterday and that was also very hard. I got out some of the birthday cards that we had sent him over the years and put them up. I sent him another one this year as well to tell him how I miss him. I probably sound a bit mad but I don’t know what else to do. I bought some music and poetry as well as a present for us both.
I am having a small social on Saturday for family and friends to remember him. I’ve been getting it organised and every now and again I stop and wonder why I am doing it. I have to keep reminding myself that he’s not coming back and then I get a bit desperate all over again.
I haven’t moved any of Anthony’s things yet and his clothes and other things are exactly where they always were. I haven’t thought of doing anything about them and know that I would find it unbearable so I just leave them. I feel better with them around.
Yes Sue, I think you’re right. People think it’s better for us to get in touch with them. It’s odd, isn’t it? I know they mean well but I rarely bother to phone people and so find myself alone quite a lot. I have had some offers of going to Christmas events with friends from school but, of course, I can’t face these. I realise at some point I will have to start to make an effort with people but for the moment I just don’t really want to.
It would be nice for us all to get together and perhaps we will one day. I will certainly make an effort for the AMMF do, Sue, if I can. It would be good to meet you and other cc patients/carers etc.
Take care of yourselves. I am thinking of you!
Love
PaulineSue,
I think we are all still somewhat in shock although not as much so as in the beginning. Now, along with having to try to deal with the shock, grief, pain & loneliness we seem to be constantly overwhelmed & frustrated at every turn. I think we all are having a lot of the same feelings that you are having. I know that doesn’t make anything better, but atleast you know it is “normal” for what we are dealing with.
As for all of Jim’s clothing & possessions, I really haven’t been able to part with too much yet. Most of it is still all around me. I think it is going to be hard to do. Once I do get up the courage I will probably eventually pack away many of his clothes & personal items until I am ready to do more. A few months back I would never have thought I would even be dealing with these kinds of decisions.
It does sound as if you have been busy, which atleast takes your mind off of things for a little while, but the thoughts & feelings are never far from the surface are they?
Being able to all get together at some point would be nice, but does not seem doable at the moment does it? Maybe some day.
All my love & hugs to all of you.
Darla
Dear All,
I apologise that I have not written for so long, but I have been so busy I have not had time to think! I run a small business from home, and I have neglected it for the past few month, then everything happened at once, my accountant wanted the end of year accounts, and I had “misplaced” several important documents – so I have been almost a week going through every file in my office – I finally found them in completelythe wrong place, I must have put them there while I was in a daze just after Ray died.
I dont think i am still thinking clearly – I add up the same column six times and get a different answer every time!
Anyway, it was nice to read through and catch up with you all.
Pauline, I am glad the councelling is getting a bit better for you, perhaps now you have been a couple of times and they know you a bit more you might get some positive imput from them – in any case if you have the time it is worth doing!
Darla, Joyce, it might be better to cut your losses with your vehicles if yu have friends who are willing to help you with the auction – at least you wont have to deal personally with buyers!I have been reading with some interest your observations about friends, I tend to agree withyou, I think friends seem to think that yu will call them if you need them and “leave you in peace” otherwise. I know even before Ray died he was veryupset that one couple who had been friends for 30 years did not phone for a whole year after he had been diagnosed. The wife was acancer survivor herself so Ray thought she would be different, but perhaps it was a bit too close to home. I did manage to phone them at the end and they came to the hospital but I didnt let Ray know it was me who contacted them. They have asked me over for a meal and I feel so angry as that was theinvitation Ray was waiting a year for. I dont want to go but my daughter, Sam says I shouldnt hold grudges.
I think that I will have heard the last from several couples we were friendly with – a single woman is an “awkward number” and tends to be overlooked usually. We dont belong to that club any more so we will have to find a new club to belong to – I have started to contact several of my friends who are devorced or widowed, and even though I usually only get to see them once or twice a year, the encouragement I get from them is really touching. But it is hard, we have to make the moves to reachout for new friends, and to find our new place in society. No more soulmate. It is hard.
I think i must be going through an “angry” stage – I made a list of all the jobs I need to do or have done about the house and garden and I will have enough to keep me busy for the next few years! So I am really angry that Ray didn’t do some of them as they would have been so easy for him to do. I dont blame him for wanting to just go on holidays all the time, and towards the end he was too tired, but some of the jobs he has been putting off for years and now I am stuck with them.
I feel so sad now, and a bit overwhelmed that I have to do everything myself, it is so hard.
Thankyou all for being there for me to moan at! If I told anyone else I was angry at Ray they would think I was heartless but I know youprobably have the same frustrations as me.
What are you all doing about their clothes? I cant bring myself to clear out all his things at the moment, his slippers are still in their place bythe door. i have said to myself that I will try to chose five things every time a charity bag comes through the door but I cant always bring myself to do this.
The church finally sent Helen the money for AMMF – she is going to put a piece in her newsletter about Ray, that will be so nice for the girls, and it will help them withthe fundraising they want to do.
Pauline, I am planning to try to go to their summer ball this year, if you are up to it I would really like to meet you there? Give it some thought, it might be nice.
Joyce, Darla, if you were in the UK I would invite you too but it might be a bit of an expensive trip for you both!
Anyway, my love to you all and I promise to write more regularly!
Group hug!
Sue xPauline,
Thanks for sharing your feelings about the counseling. As I am still pretty low, I may have to consider it also, although at this point I am not sure it would be of much help. I do think that this is something that has affected us so greatly that the sadness will always be with us. Hopefully we will be able to learn how to live with & deal with the grief. At this point it just does not seem possible that we can pull ourselves back into a “normal life”. There is nothing normal about this.
Jim was 62 on July 2 & passed away Sept. 2. He had decided to apply for early retirement & received only 2 of his social security checks before he passed away. We too would have been laughing & celebrating, however by the time the first check arrived he was already too ill. We have become the statistics that we used to talk about. We often mentioned people, some friends, who retired & then died shortly there after. That is why he chose to collect at 62 not 65. Little did we know that even then he would not collect for long!
I too am easily brought to tears by even the smallest things. When people ask how I am doing I say OK, but inside I know I am not OK.
Everyone have a nice day & I will try to do the same. I am thinking of all of you & feel blessed that we can all share & support each other through our darkest times.
Love,
DarlaDear all,
Thank you so much , Lainy and Teresa for your support. It really does mainly seem to be the people who have gone through a terrible loss themselves who understand that our deep sadness doesn’t go away just because it has been a while since our loved ones died.
I think the card is very beautiful,Joyce, and something for you to treasure. I think everything is such a shock at first that it takes time for us to absorb the finality of what has happened. I feel I still exist in a kind of blur, Darla,where everything is surreal but at the same time there is a process of dull realisation going on that this is for ever. As you say, Teresa, I know it’s never going to go away and events like birthdays will always be so sad. Anthony would have been 65 on Monday and about to draw his state pension. We were going to have a good celebration and a bit of a laugh for this and now I know I’ll be crying all day.
I am still in that very depressed state at the moment. I am in school today but can’t focus which is why I am on this site. It does really help, especially to get messages of support. Even here this morning a colleague asked if I would come to the Christmas dinner and tears came to my eyes. If anyone asks how I am it starts me off as well, although they often don’t notice because I hide it well.
I went to counselling yesterday and it was a bit better. I asked her how she thought I was doing and whether it is normal to have such lows as I do every few weeks. She said it was very normal for someone who has lost someone they loved so much and in such a traumatic way. She said it wouldn’t be right for someone to be either so low all the time or numb and busy all of the time and we go forwards and backwards to the grief as a way of coping. I guess this is right. It seems to make sense, doesn’t it? She then asked me how Anthony and I met and I told her about our 27 years together and how happy we were and how we loved each other. I found that I got on to the start of Anthony’s health problems very quickly and spoke about his illness for the rest of the session. I think this is still what I need to explore at the moment. Anyway, I cried for a lot of the time I was talking but felt slightly better afterwards for having cried so much.
I have decided to stick with the counselling as it doesn’t seem to do me any harm and, when I’m feeling as bad as I am now, at least it’s someone to confide in about how I feel. I have found that by asking her questions I get a better response and also by pausing and waiting for her to say something, I get more feed back from her so I think this is the way forward for the next sessions.
Well, I hope you are all coping as well as possible. Take care every one. Thank you again for your support.
Love
PaulineHi Everyone,
I agree with Joyce. I have been told I should join a support group or go for counseling, but right now I feel that the support I am getting from everyone here is helping me more than I could possibly get elsewhere. I do also have a few family & friends that are willing to listen. Yes, Joyce, I do feel that some days it does seem to get worse & more over whelming. I still think it is surreal at times & just can not believe that he is gone & is never going to be here again. I spent the day with my sister & daughter-in-law (& also met me son for lunch) & it was really nice, but having to come home to all of this emptiness & loneliness, knowing Jim will never again be here waiting for me is still so very hard. Joyce, finding that card must have brought back some fond memories. Something to remember to help easy the pain. I too wonder at times, thinking back to different things that he said & did, if Jim didn’t subconsciously have a feeling that there was more wrong than we though in the beginning. He also started out with just some slight aches & pains. Who would ever have thought it would end up like this! Thinking back, so many things are beginning to become clearer & make more sense than they did back then. Everyone have the best day that you can manage tomorrow.
Love To All,
DarlaHello all,
All of you are my support group – it means so much to know that you are here and ready to listen, AND understand! Pauline, my heart goes out to you right now. I see why it gets worse now, in some ways – instead of better, as the finality of this has become more apparent to me than it was at the beginning. In some ways, though, it STILL seems surreal – I can hardly believe that this has happened.
I found a card that Butch gave me with a rose for a valentine’s dinner that we had at our church last February. The guys filled out a card to give us with the flower at this dinner, and it says “To Joyce – My wife, for life, and beyond”. Well – he must have known subconsciously. This was a couple of weeks before the biopsy came back positive (March 6), and he only had slight abdominal pain – that is why he went to the Docotr, but – this is so unlike Butch to write, it seems prophetic now.Love – joyce
Thanks Lisa, Lainy & Teresa for all of your kind words, suggestions & support. They are always welcome & appreciated. I think we need all the help we can get right now. Everything Pauline talked about is pretty much how I am feeling right now too & I am sure the others would agree.
Lisa I am hoping things are going OK for you.
Lainy, I enjoy reading your posts & am glad that Teddy is also doing well & hope that continues.
Teresa, I understand how you are feeling & you are right, no one can possibly know how this feels unless they too have been in our place & had to deal with a significant loss. I guess we all have to go through this in our own way & at our own pace.
Pauline, stay strong & we will all get through this together. We are all struggling now & they say that there is strength in numbers. We will all be here to be strong for each other. Keep us informed on how the counseling is going.
All of you are in my thoughts & prayers.
Love,
DarlaHya All
As I posted some time ago, I havn’t been around so much but have looked in on you all almost every evening before I get into bed. I think of you all as my special family.
Pauline keep trying with the councelling if you can, I did it for some 6 months and I think I bored my councellor to death with my anger, but at least I did not offend my friends. These people are here for us. For us to be able to say whatever we wish.
Anger really is part of the grieving process and will happen time and time again.
I now realise when Alan went a cloud of mist came over me, I worked on automatic pilot and it is only recently some two and a half years later that I am able to function slightly better. I say slightly as I appeared to move in different ways, very often forwards and then back again. It doesnt work in a straight line.
I think the pain is unbearable, and only found it eased with the tears.
The pain is getting easier, but the tears still come so easily such as on Sunday as it was his birthday. I was only 19 years old on that special day.I too have found it difficult with friends and family. They appear to think as it is sometime now since alan passed away I should be better etc. They do not realise a part of me has also gone for ever and I am not the same person as before Alan’s death.
As I am sure you all now realise no-one knows how these things feel until it has happened to them.
I was an avid reader before this and have not been able to read a book at all as yet. I do know now it will come back when I am ready.At this moment in time I am at the stage of shedding some of the stuff, paperwork, books etc from the past. I feel Alan’s death and caring for my husband (now only 5% kidney function left) has made me realise that we do not need too many possesions to live and lead an enjoyable and peaceful life.
I wish for you all to be able to gain some peace and tranquility along the way and do take care all my love and light to you. teresa Alans mom
Hi Pauline and all you lovely ladies. I could NEVER attempt to give advise on something I have not experienced but if I may say one thing. Is this what Anthony and other husbands would want? I believe he knows more than you think, how you are feeling and because you had so much devotion between you I am positive that he does not like seeing you so tormented. I feel just as much as you miss him, he is feeling badly about your sadness. And I do have a little story about heaven that made me a true believer. My dad passed on at the age of 93. He never believed in the beyond, magic nor anything he did not understand. He was a total skeptic. He fell deep asleep and we had to call the Paramedics to wake him. They had trouble and finally did the dreaded breast bone rub. Dad bounced awake and with wide eyes proclaimed, “I just had the most beautiful dream, I saw heaven”. It did not upset him in fact he was quite calm. The next day he passed. I became an instant believer. What I am trying to say to all of you, Darla, Sue, Pauline…is that just because your loves are out of sight does not mean they are far away and they want your happiness above all else, of that I am sure. I hope I didn’t intrude on you but I feel so sad for you I just wanted to say something!
Dear all,
I think fear is one of the elements in people not contacting us and this is reinforced by what you say Lisa – just when you probably feel you need people the most, for example, when you have cancer or when you lose your husband they seem to be there less. Clearly this is not everyone but a significant number. I was talking to a friend the other evening and I was very upset and she said to me that she didn’t know what to say to me to help me to feel better. I told her that she didn’t need to say anything specific to me but just talking helps. I also told her that it helps when she includes Anthony in the conversation, which she often does. I find so many people avoid talking about him and it really upsets me. I miss him so much that just talking over a few happy memories with friends helps quite a lot but not many people seem to realise this. As you say Darla, sometimes it’s people you didn’t feel so close to who respond better.
I must admit I am really struggling at the moment. I think what happens is that I keep myself very busy and try so hard to keep my head above water that every now and again I lose perspective and start to sink to a very low point. I think it’s because there doesn’t seem to be an end to this unlike anything else I have ever experienced in life. I know I will have to pick myself up again in the next few days but it’s very hard, isn’t it? For the last 27 years whenever I had a problem or was upset about something, Anthony was always there to talk it through with me. He would always give me such good advice, he could make anything seem ok after a chat and then, what I really need the most, he would put his arms around me and give me a cuddle and say something funny to make me better. That’s what I miss so much. Who does that now? No one else can fulfill this role. It has to be the person you loved and shared your life, innermost thoughts, feelings and dreams with. The missing him is so unbearable sometimes I think I will break but instead I make another list and try to keep going. Going where? That’s the question!
Anyway, I have decided to go to counselling again tomorrow. Perhaps I will get a bit more out of it. I think I may as well try. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m sorry to be so depressing at the moment!
Take care of yourselves. Thanks for your kind words Lisa! I hope you are keeping well.
Love
Pauline
LoveHi ladies,
I am so sorry for the loss of your husbands. I understand about feeling alone, and your friends not calling. Maybe they don’t know how to relate to you as a “single” and think that you would ask for help if you need it? I hope you don’t lose contact with your friends; as Darla said during the holidays you will need all the support you can get.I don’t have as many people emailing me or contacting me anymore, either, though I am in a different situation as I’m the one with cancer.
God bless you ladies,
Lisa
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