Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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I am going to try to sleep now, good night and god bless. I send a big hug to you all, and thank you so much for being there to listen to my ramblings!
Love you all,
Sue
xJoyce, I think your idea about a support group having breakfast at Dennys is great – it will do you so much good. I ahve fond memories of Dennys in the 1980s when we first went to the US we always had breakfast in Dennys – I remember the endless questions about how you wanted your eggs, bacon hash browns etc – being from the uk we were never given so many choices before and what about the pickles green tomotoes on the table!!!
I went out to our local pub last week my myself and it was very hard – Ray was a born entertainer and I really missed his witty remrks there and the fact I had to walk back home myself to an empty house.
I try not to be too sorry for myself and to be fair, I am not I am just sirry O wont see his smiling face anymore!Pauline, I wish you a belated happy birthday, you mustnt be sad in the future – Ray died on his eldest daughter birthday and I tild her it was his way of always being with her on her birthday – it is life we have to remember the best and take it with us into the future.
I look at the photo I posted and cant believe it was only a year ago – we did know about Rays illness then but we tried to forget it and make the most of our time together which I think we pretty much did , but when the end came so quickly – which was good for Ray – we were all pretty much in shock and I cant believe I wont ever see his face again.
I am so glad you are all there for me befor ethe computer cut out I was telling you all taht I cried when I logged on and say all you had to say to me it was not tears of sadness, it was, I dont know, tears of comradship and of comfort knowing you all know what I am going through.So it happend again the computer crashed just glad I got to post something!
Perhaps they are trying to tell me I am rambling on too much!
I was just trying to tell everyone to look after their backs as a lone woman we will be vunerable – I miss Ray so much – I went to his grave today and the lilies from his eldest daughetr are still looking lovely – just a buch nit in water oe anything – anyway with it being rembrance Sunday I took him a nice bunch of rose and a vse so they woulldnt die.Oh firnes, I cant believe what has happened, I have written essays and essays twice over and the computer has crashed twice. so I will be sending this next message in installments. I am pretty well messed up tonight, everything has gone wrong. Over the last few days I have been trying to sell Rays car he bought a bmw for his 60th it was his pride and joy and he looked after it like a baby – however I managed to get it advertised, even put up the photos but it is a terrible time to sell cars. I manage dto get someone to come an dlook at it from Scotland but he was bringing cash and it was after bank hours so I asked my friend at the post office and she gave me lots of Scottish notes (as they are different to English notes) and also the machine to pick out forgeries – she could have got into trouble for this but she didnt blink an eye.
The guy to look at the car but said he didnt want it as it had a towbar on it (we have a small two birth touring caravan -which also needs selling!), I was so mad as Ray had told me to take it off befor etrying to sell it – but I never got around to it! But in the back of my mind I have the sneaking suspition that he was trying to scam me – why else whould you wantto come an buy a car in the darK!
I made the mistake of telling him I was on my own – I wont do that again!
Anyway, I am going to take it off tomorrowHi All,
I just got back from my folk’s house. I went for dinner & spent the day. Watched a football game & tried to help my Mom with a computer issue. I couldn’t solve it so she will have to call her service provider. I don’t think it is anything too serious though. So now I am back home & alone once more.
Joyce, I hope you had a good day. It seems that you are doing OK under the circumstances. Let us know how it goes if you go to the support group. I did check out your blog. Enjoyed the pictures. I am writing in a journal, but never did a blog. I know how you feel. Everything just seems like more of a chore now when your alone.
Sue, Hope things are going OK for you. I don’t know if I already mentioned that I too liked the picture you posted. We all look so happy & healthy, it is hard to believe that all of this has happened to all of us!
Pauline, Not sure if it is appropriate, but Happy Birthday. It sounds like you & I are kind of at the same point even though you are a little further along. Odd how we are all generally a month apart, You at over 3 me at over 2 & Joyce & Sue have gotten to 1. It still all seems so unreal. I think you are right Pauline, the first month or so I don’t really think you know what you are doing or saying. It is all so surreal & you are definately in shock. I think you then graduate to disbelief, & finally it starts to sink in that it is real & is not going to change. Everything that you said is exactly what I am feeling too. Jim is still constantly on my mind & sometimes the pain is still too much to bear. I am having a problem with not being able to dream of Jim either & when I do I can’t really remember much the next day. I am glad that your wish cane true. It sounds like it was a onderful dream. I keep all sorts of pictures around & look at them often so I can keep him in my mind. My birthday was 2 days after Jim passed away, so I have that first over with, but I think I was real deeply in shock then, so I wasn’t really even dealing with it & everyone else was afraid to bring it up as it was so soon after he died. I still have people coming in & asking for him that don’t know he is gone & I have to explain. That is still hard to do, but I am sure it will happen time & again for a long time. Some days I truly just want to stay home & be alone, but then I get so depressed & lonely & think that I do need to keep busy. Every now & then I will clean out a cupboard or drawer or go through pictures. I sometimes get obssessed with doing something & getting it done. Other times I just sit around staring into space & doing absolutely nothing. It is just so hard. I am so glad that we all have each other to talk with & hopefully together we can help each other work through all of this. All of our situations are so similar in many different ways.
Everyone have a good week. Take care & know that I will be thinking of all of you.
Love,
DarlaDear Joyce,Darla and Sue,
Well, it’s been another difficult weekend for me and I’m planning an early night to get it over with! I thought the photo was lovely Sue. You both looked so happy and fine. It’s so hard to believe what lay ahead of you, isn’t it? Did you know at that point that Ray had cc? I find photos so poignant. I may post one soon. I think it would be nice for us all to see each other and our loved ones.
I’m glad you are all keeping busy. I know it is close to the one month anniversaries for you both, Joyce and Sue and two months for you Darla. I am thinking of you all because I know these dates mean a lot to us all. I remember the first month seemed endless and I must admit that it feels as though the 4 of us have been in contact with each other for much longer than this. I had family over for dinner on the first month’s anniversary of Anthony’s death and I think it helped but looking back I realise I was still really in a very dazed state of shock. I feel that you may still be in this sort of state, Sue and Joyce. We have to cope with such devastation and yet still have to get on with doing things in the “real world” that I think it’s only in retrospect that you realise how you were. I think you have got through this month really well but go easy on yourselves – it really still is very early days. What do you think Darla? I still feel after 3 months that it is still very early but I have noticed a difference recently. I think the shock is wearing off, not completely, but a bit and I find I am beginning to face the huge issue of the permanency of my loss, which on several occasions recently has seemed too much to bear. I feel as though I can go on keeping myself busy with lists for a while but not for ever and I don’t know where any of this is going. I still just miss Anthony absolutely unbearably. He is on my mind at every moment, no matter what I am doing and I don’t want this to change. The thing I really want to do is to dream of him but this rarely happens. On Thursday it was my birthday – not a day I wanted to think about at all. My stepdaughter, Justine, who is so amazing to me and really keeps me going, invited me round for a meal. When I blew out the candle on the birthday cake, she said to make a wish. I wished that I could dream of Anthony and that night I did – probably because we had been talking about him a lot – and it was lovely – even though he had grown a moustache and was a bit grumpy with me! I gave him a big hug and it was so realistic. How is it that in dreams people are so real? I can never see him so clearly when I try to picture him when I’m awake.
Anyway, I have already done my list for tomorrow so I will try to face the world again. Today I just stayed at home. It was one of those miserable British grey, windy, rainy days and the walk I had hoped for was just out of the question. Joyce, you must let us know if you go to the widows group. I suppose it all depends on who you get in the group. I imagine it could be a good way of meeting some new friends who understand how you feel.
Well, take care all of you and know that I am thinking of you.
With love,
PaulineHello Everybody,
I have been very busy this week, which is the best thing for me, as we discussed. I still have a lot of “sad spots” as I call them. but in between I am functioning quite well. I know what you mean about people not mentioning Butch – they actually look uncomfortable when I mention him – and I do – frequently. It helps a lot to talk about him, I think.Work is coming along – I am fitting back in and finding my new place. Everyone has been wonderful – just good friends.
This week I bought a couple of new outfits – I used to LOVE to shop – now it is a chore, but – I really need some new clothes.
My list is growing longer – thre are so many things to attend to, and Butch used to run the errands for us. He was retired and I am not, so he picked up a lot of the chores, running around, etc. for meNow I have to do myown laundry!
I am thinking about signing up for a widow/widowers support gruop – they meet once a week for breakfast at Denny’s – not sure though.
Sue – I am going to go look at that picture – I haven’t posted an entry yet – trying to gather strength. I haven’t blogged since I wrote the final entry on the blog I kept for Butch’s journey. I do miss it – it was GREAT therapy. I blogged all the way thru 3 weeks at Mayo, and 6 weeks at Pittsburgh Medical!. I think I will start a new blog for me.
Take care everyone – I am thinking of you all.
Joyce
Hi Everyone,
I think you are right. The support that we give each other helps more than anything else. We have all been through the same thing & really understand each others pain & all of the other feelings we are dealing with. I don’t think any counseling or group therapy could compare.
Pauline, I know how you feel about going back to where Anthony passed away. I don’t every want to go back to the hospital in Milwaukee if I can help it. I don’t even want to drive any where near there! It would just bring it all back.
I too try to accept all offers if it is possible, even if I really don’t feel like going any where.
I think a lot of people just don’t realize that we do want to talk about our loved ones. They don’t want to bring back the memories or upset us. What they don’t realize is that we need to talk about them to keep them from being forgotten. It almost seems like most people just figure that they are gone & we must learn to deal with it and go on. That just is not possible. They may be gone, but we will never forget them & don’t want others to either. I too see so many happy older couples & wonder why we couldn’t have had that too. I wonder if they know how lucky they are. You want to tell them to appreciate what they have & to make the most of every moment. It truly is unfair & so very lonely. I don’t think you ever really get used to it.
Sue, Spain & Malaga with your Mom sounds like a good idea. It should be enjoyable for both of you.
Joyce, I hope you are still keeping busy and that work is still going OK for you. Pauline, have a good day at school tomorrow. I also am going to make it an early evening, as usual!!!!
Everyone take care & I hope you all have a good day tomorrow.
Love,
DarlaDear Sue, Darla and Joyce,
I’m back from Italy and have had my counselling session, which I didn’t find very useful. Maybe counselling isn’t for me but I am going to give it another session in case it improves after the initial chat. I found, like last time I tried it, that I talk, she listens but I get nothing back. The worst thing was that it took place at the hospice and going there brought back all the awful memories of Anthony’s last few weeks. I knew this would be a problem but they didn’t really take it on board. I could even look up and see the balcony and the window of the room where he died.
I think you’re right Sue, we do much better ourselves in the support and understanding we offer each other and I know I find it much more useful. I think you’re doing very well in keeping the contact with people going. I accept all offers of meals etc and do find it helps as well, although sometimes I get upset if they don’t talk about Anthony, because it makes me feel as though he has gone and they have forgotten about him. I like people to talk about him because it makes me feel they cared about him and miss him too. The trip to Spain sounds good – will you be going alone?
Yes, Darla it is very hard to accept that life is so tragic and that some people die so young. I look around and everywhere I seem to see couples much older than us looking so comfortable in their lives. I always think how lucky they are and it all just seems so unfair. I can’t imagine ever getting used to this lonliness.
I’m glad you’re finding work a bit better Joyce and I hope this continues. I would like to see your picture, Sue so I’m going to try to find it on here. I’m off to school tomorrow and so will have an early night now – any excuse!
Take care all!
Love
PaulineDear Pauline, Darla and Joyce,
Sorry I havent written for a while, I had the Memorial service for Ray to get over last Sunday, and it made me feel pretty low, but I have picked up now.
I am not really a very sociable person, I left all the talking to Ray usually and just sat back and enjoyed the conversation – I am an only child and am fairly comfortable in my own company, but I have made a rule never to refuse an invitation to anything now – people will only ask you once – and it is kind of them to consider you – even if I dont feel like going out wherever I usually enjoy it – but I have also made it a rule to make them an invitation back, if it is a couple I try to arrange for someone else to be their either mutual friends or my daughter etc. So I have been quite busy lately.
I lost my dad three years ago but my mum is 85 and still going strong, she has been a great comfort and spends weekends her sometime if I need company. I have booked a flight to Malaga, Spain for a week for the 6th Dec for us both, I think that will give me something to look forward to, and when I get back it will be close enough to Christmas for it to keep me busy without thinking too much.
I hope you are feeling better, Pauline, I am glad you had a good time with your friend, I thought you must be busy when you didnt post for a few days.
Let me know how your counselling went – I think they would be hard pressed to do better than we all do here! I think we are a strong group, too, Darla. We should be proud of ourselves!
I posted a picture a while ago, I havent checked if it is up yet, it was taken last year at Rays daughters wedding.
Thought you might like to see who I was!
Lots of love. Keep strong.
SueHi All,
I’m glad you are feeling better, Pauline. My Sunday went rather well. Keeping busy does seem to be the key. As you said tho’ the nights are so long & depressing. It is supposed to be unseasonable warm here the next few days, so I will have to get some walking in too. Good luck with your counselling on Wednesday. I will be thinking of you.
Sue, I too am hoping that you are OK & that we will be hearing from you soon.
Joyce, My parents are 82 & in relatively good health. For that I am greatful. Isn’t it interesting how life works. They even wonder why they are here & doing well & Jim passed on at the “young” age of 62. I guess there is a reason for everything in life. I just wish we knew what it was!
Everyone take care & have a good day.
Love,
DarlaHello there,
I am glad that you both kept busy with family this Sunday and I also hope you are ok Sue. My cold has gone now and the weather has improved again and so I have been out walking a lot over the weekend. I still find the evenings the worst, especially now it gets dark so early. I find myself feeling more depressed when the sun goes down.
I am coming back to the UK tomorrow and will start my counselling on Wednesday so I will let you know how it goes.
Take care all of you. Keep the lists going!
Love
PaulinePauline – I think getting a cold right now would be terrible – even in the best of times, it is not good!. I so hope you are feeling better – it was wonderful that your friend was there duruing that time – what would we do w/o friends and family.
Darla – my Mom and Dad are both alive also, and what a comfort they are to me. We are so fortunate to have them, aren’t we? My Dad had his knee operated on the day after Butch’s funeral, but he is doing fine.
Sue – we haven’t heard from you in a few days. Is everything all right? Or – as right as it can be now? I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
Hugs your way,
Joyce
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