Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Joyce,
Just a note to let you know I am thinking of you. Hope you have a good day. I too sometimes just want to stay home & be alone, but you are right, you do need to get going & be with people too. I felt that the longer I put it off the harder it would be. Good luck today.
Love,
DarlaDarla, Sue and Pauline,
Thank you for the sendoff – I will follow your good advice. I am terrified and glad to be going at the same time. I sort of want to stay her and be miserable by myself, but I sort of don’t, too! I KNOW the best thing for me is to dig in there and continue on. I look at this as a new beginning. My poor doggie, though – he is not used to being alone – Butch was here for him. My neighbor will look in n him though, and take him for a walk. Gol bless her.Love – Joyce
Dear Joyce,
I am thinking of you as you go back to work today. I hope you will find a lot of comfort in the familiar surrounding with all those colleagues you know so well. I am sure people will be very sensitive and delighted to see you back at work. Settle in gradually though and don’t push the work side of things too much. I think you just need to talk to people and take it slowly!
With love
PaulineDear Joyce,
I am sure that you will find that your first day wont be as bad as you think, remember, just keep smiling , and tell friends that you have no regrets, only happy memories, I think that describes what we are all feeling. I had uncontrollable hysterics with my friend at the get-together after Rays funeral, something just set us both off laughing and we couldnt stop. I worried what people would think too, but my friend said if they knew Ray they would be pleased as he was allways laughing. In fact it was such a good release after all the tension. So smile in spite of the hurt you feel inside and give thanks that we had such good times with our husbands, many people live alone all their lives and dont have our memories to keep them warm at night. You will be fine!
Love Sue xJoyce,
Good luck tomorrow. Meeting people you haven’t seen or talked to yet is another first that seems to keep on happening. The ones that don’t know that Jim has passed on are the hardest to deal with, as they ask how he is doing etc. & after explaining he is gone, they feel badly & so do I. I suspect that this is just one more thing we need to work through & that will hopefully make us stronger. Take care. I will be thinking of you tomorrow & hoping that things are going OK for you. Now I am off to face another day!
Love,
DarlaDear Sue, Pauline, and Darla,
I reread all the posts we all have written over the last couple of weeks. It is amazing how similar our lives – and feelings – are right now, isn’t it? Sue, when you were talking about being so calm and tearless, it makes me remember my worrying because I didn’t show more emotion – I didn’t want people to think I didn’t care, but – same feelings you had – I saw Butch suffer through the end times, and just knew that he was better off. Once the numbness wore off, the tears came, but they are for us – we who are left behind. I still haven’t cried all that much, but the sadness is there – deep inside – and I know you all know that it is a terrible feeling. I think it is almost trite to say, but it is the finality of death that is so hard to cope with. Any questions left unasked will go unanswered forever – well, until we meet again. Anyhow, I don’t see myself meeting Butch at the gates of heaven someday, and saying – “by the way, how much oil DID that corolla use, on average”? That question sent me on a crying binge, as I realized the finality of all this.
On the other hand, I have taken your advice and am talking to him daily. I take great comfort in knowing that he is looking after me from afar, and remembering the wonderful years we had together. I do still feel close to him, and try to think of him being in the next room, which I often feel he is! As I move through today, I will be thinking of all of you and hope that this will be a good day for all of us. I pray that God helps us to have our happy memories of our pasts, while granting us the ability to face whatever the future brings us.
As for work – I have used all my leave time being home this 7 months. I am so grateful for them allowing me to use it, but I am out of time, and they can’t hold my job much longer, so I must return. It would probably be better if I could return part-time, but it was better to use that time to be with Butch – we spent almost every waking second together these last months – many of them he spent in various hospitals. That was important, and I have worked at my job for 31 years, so these coworkers are my friends. The hardest day will be Friday – greeting people I didn’t see at the funeral (most of them WERE there), many more firsts. I still think it will be good for me to have the structure, though – I have always loved my job, and I sure need the money.Love,
Joyce
Hi Sue & Joyce,
It sounds as if you are both going through the same things that I have & still am. The only difference is that you have your dogs. Everyone thinks I should get another one for companionship, however, I just don’t think this is the time. Maybe in the future I will feel differently. I too have a few friends & my family that are keeping me going. I try not to distance myself, but there are times I just want to be alone & then I wonder why as it is so empty & silent around here! I too have been a lot closer to my children & sisters than before & that is one good thing that has come out of this tragedy. It seems as if all of our lives have just been turned upside down & we will have to learn to adjust & go on. Some days it is hard to believe that this is my life now & I have to learn to live within it. Being able to share my thoughts & grief with both of you & Pauline is comforting to me & being able to support & comfort all of you is helpful to me too. I hope Pauline is doing OK in Italy & is finding some peace & comfort there. Hoping that today is a good day for all of us. Everyone take care & keep in touch.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaSue,
When I read your posts, it sounds like so many of the thoughts that have been running through my head that it is uncanny. I too have started to walk during the day when I can, and my poor dog is in shock from the exercise. I have not exactrly gotten back to a routine, but I am not quite so aimless as I was. I am trying to meet with friends and family – for lunch, etc., although I am not much company. It does help, doesn’t it? My daughter is beside herself with trying to help me, and I have seen them more in the last 3 weeks than in previous 3 months. In the end, though, I still need to come back here and face the “aloneness” (with Flash). Our lives have changed so drastically. I AM starting to eat better, but it is not exactly home cooking. Did most of the paperwork and notifications – that was REAL tough, as you know.I hope tomorrow is an “up” day for you.
Love -Joyce
Hi Darla,
I have just had a few crazy days with all the paperwork and legal stuff! I have been having better days this week, I have some lovely friend, one of them calls round for a coffee every evening on her way home from work in case I need company!
I am trying to start to get myself into a routine, there did not seem any plan to my days at first it did not matter whether I ate or not – no one was there to cook for. I have decide to get myself healthy for Sam, my stepdaughters and grandchildren. I have to last as long as I can for them now.
I have taken to walking, like you and Pauline have. If it is a nice day it really clears your head. Our poor old dog doesn’t know what has hit her!
I am starting to talk to myslef too (or talk to Ray really) I dont know if he hears or not but you are right, it is comfirting!
I will say goodnight now, I hope you have a good day today.
Lots of love,
SueSue,
I have already answered your email & just want to add that everything you are going through is normal, atleast I had & still have a lot of the same feelings as you are having now. It sounds as if even with all of the upsets, it was still a very nice & loving tribute to Ray. In situations like this there are always some upsets. I know that now you will have a lot to keep you busy, but please feel free to contact me at any time when you are feeling lonely & sad. Just remember that Ray is now in a better place & is no longer fighting this awful disease. He will be with you forever in your heart. I know how hard this is as I too am still going through it, as is Pauline, but know we are here for you as I know the two of you are also here for me and Pauline, we are here for you, too. Together we can be strong & work our way through this.
Love,
DarlaWell, the funeral is over and I am feeling strangly calm. I cant cry, my mind feels empty and my days dont seem to have any structure. I have a couple of good friends who phone occassionally but apart from that everyone is leaving me alone. I suppose they think I am greaving but I just feel numb.
There were probably 200 people at the service and about 150 came back to the village hall where we had put on a buffet and put up lots of pictures of Ray through his life. There were a few upsets, sisters, brothers neices etc insited on calling to the house before the funeral when we really only wanted me and the three girls, but I suppose they only wanted to show respect. As the coffin was going into the church, some latecomers followed it in! So we had to shout to let the undertaker know they were not family or part of the procession. At the reception/party (whatever you call it) a friend who only new us recently stood up to toast Ray and mentioned me and Sam and completely ignored my stepdaughters. Also at one point I sat down with my dear friend and she said something that set me off in uncontrollable laughter – I dont know what people thought! But on the whole I think we gave Ray the best send off we coud. Sam managed to say her peom beutifully, her eldest sister also stood up and said a lovely tribute to her Dad, the two eldest grandchildren also read our a letter to their grandad and one of them also read out the prayer of St Fransis of Assisi which was lovely. The vicar managed to find a place in the gravyard for Ray next to one of his friends who died of cancer two years ago, and lots of people came back to the village Hall, including 12 freinds of Sam from uni who had taken the day off and travelled over from Hull. Afterwards, the younger ones collected the remnants of the buffet and drinks and came back to our home, which was quite nice as I wasnt alone. My the time they went I was so tired I didnt have time to think, I just fell into bed.
Now starts the paperwork, probate and endless telephone calls to put thinks in my name. Also Ray was a wonderful man but often didnt finish what he started, so I have three half decorated roomes, two cars a caravan and a motorbike to sell, not to mention all the things accumulated in the garage, hut, and loft.
Am I a hard woman for not crying? I loved Ray so much but cannot be sad at his passing as it was so much easier than it could have been.
As I live alone and work part time from home, I think when things have settled down I will need to get a part time job in an office or somewhere where I have contact with other people, also it will give me a reason to get up in the morning and will help financially.
Everyone tells me it will hit me later, but at the moment I am quite happy to stay in my bubble until I feel strong enoug to deal with the grief.
Pauline, thank you for the poem it was beautiful. I would like to e-mail you personally, could you e-mail me and I will reply?
I have already e-mailed Darla.
You two and this site has already helped me so much, and I think I may need more help in the future.
All my love,
SueDear Sue,
I too will have you & Ray in my thoughts & prayers at that time. As Pauline, said, hold him in your heart forever. He is no longer suffering or in pain. He is at peace. Know that we are here for you.
Love,
DarlaDear Sue,
I thought I would send you this poem by Siegfried Sassoon as the day of Ray’s funeral approaches. I hope you will find it uplifting as I did when it was read at the end of Anthony’s funeralEveryone suddenly burst out singing
And I was filled with such delight
As prisoned birds must find in freedom,
Winging wildly across the white
Orchards and dark green fields; on and on and out of sight.Everyone’s voice was suddenly lifted
And beauty came like the setting sun;
My heart was shaken with tears; and horror
Drifted away…O but everyone
Was a bird; and the song was wordless; the singing will never be done.Hold Ray in your heart for ever. His battle is over.
With love,
Pauline
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