Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Hi Pauline & Darla, Thank you both for your kind thoughts, it is such a blessing to have people I can contact who know exactly what I am going through.
Ray is currently in hospital, he is very jaundiced and has a very swollen tummy due to the cancer and water retention. They tried to put a stent in yesterday but couldnt, they are going to try again today. I am just waiting to see what time I can go and see him. The cancer is about 16cms, so it is taking up much of his liver. He was hoping to have a stent and then go back on chemo to try to shrink it but I dont think they will do that now.
We have all notcied a change in Ray, he has always had a really witty sence of humour, but he is so tired that it is all he can do to put a few words together. He can get out of bed with a great effort, but it is almost as if the husband I knew is no longer there. If they cant relieve the jaundice and acites I dont think his liver will be able to cope for much longer. The only good thing is that so far he has no pain, only the exhaustion, I have read on this site that is how some poeple are right up until the end, so I hope he will be like that.
Being on my own in the hose has given me ae of what it will be like after he has gone, it is the stupid little things that get to you – I went to fill the car up yesterday and couldn’t get the petrol cap off – so I had to drive off again! I think I am pretty independent but things like that make you feel so helpless.
I hope you dont mind me chatting to you it somehow helps to write it all down.
SueHi Pauline,
I was thinking of you also, knowing that it has been 2 months since Anthony passed away. Yesterday it was exactly 4 weeks for Jim & as you said, tomorrow it will be 1 month. I have also been feeling very low & sad. I also wish that he could hold me or kiss me & tell me that he is OK & that I will be too, some day. As of right now I am fortunate to have several friends & relatives that listen to me & help me talk things through, along with talking to Jim. With others I pretend that I am doing OK, under the circumstances, as you do. Good luck with the counseling next week. I hope it will give you some help & comfort. Take care & let me know how things are going for you.
Darla
Sue,
I know what you are going through as I also was there just a short time ago. Try to be strong. You & Ray will be in my thoughts & prayers.
Darla
Dear Darla,
I am thinking about you tonight because I know it is a month tomorrow since Jim died. I hope you are coping as best you can. I have been very low today. It was 2 months yesterday since Anthony died and I have been feeling desperately sad. I just need him to come and give me a cuddle and tell me I’m doing ok. I am starting counselling next week and I hope it will help – perhaps just by talking to someone whose job is to listen. Sometimes I feel too much of a burden on friends and family and pretend I’m better than I am. Please take care of your self and keep in touch.
Pauline
Dear Sue,
How kind of you to contact me when you are going through such a terrible time yourself. I think you are absolutely right that all the pain we have been holding in for so long overwhelms us when they have gone.
I am so sorry to hear that you think that Ray is in the final stages. I hope that he will be comfortable and that he will not suffer. I also hope that you will be able to share some peaceful, loving moments together. Please also try to keep your strength by getting some sleep even though I know how hard it is. Please keep us informed of how Ray is going on. Thinking of you.
PaulineDear Pauline – I havent logged onto this site for a while and I was very sorry to hear about Anthony. You wrote to me several months ago as I am in a similar situation to you. Ray is 63 so I think we must be of a similar age, and I also have a daughter.
For 18 months we have been lucky as Ray has been fairly well, but this last 2 weeks things have started to change so I think it is the start of the end.
I think you have nothing to blame yourself for, you couldnt have done more for Anthony, you stayed with him all the time for his last two weeks. However, I also think that the guilt is something everyone goes through, I lost my Dad a couple of years ago and still blame myself for not staying with him on his last night – he died before we could get back to him in the morning.
When you are watching anyone you love die, it is totally debilitating, and you really arent thinking straight by the end. I am sure you did all you could for him and more.
I am glad you are starting to make small plans for the future – I am sure you will find you have more friends and support than you ever thought you had.
I think we keep ourselves strong for our loved ones while they are ill, so it is natural when they go we let ourselves feel all the pain we have been holding in for so long.
I send you all my love.Pauline,
It is incredible how closely our lives seem to imitate each others. I am feeling & thinking & doing almost exactly what you are describing about yourself. Jim & I seem to have gone through almost the same experience in the end that you & Anthony did. Many people never have what you & I shared with our husbands. I know I should be glad for all the years & fond memories we shared, but I guess we never thought it would end. I’m selfish. I wanted more. I am thinking about you also & will keep in touch. Hopefully we can help each other to be strong through this most traumatic time in both our lives. Take care of yourself, as that is all we can do now. We did our best for Anthony & Jim & I am sure that they would now want us to do our best to take care of ourselves. (Easy to say & hard to do!) It is just so comforting to me to know that everything I am feeling is normal under these circumstances as it is also what you are feeling. Will the pain ever lessen? Again, Try to be strong as I will also. Keep in touch.
Darla
Darla,
It’s really good to hear from you and I understand exactly what you mean when you say that sometimes it feels like it’s been forever and yet it’s still so raw and unbelievable. I don’t think I have completely accepted that Anthony has gone and it still sometimes feels like he’s in hospital again and I will be going to see him and bring him home soon.
Like you, I still go through the trauma of what happened in those last few awful days and I so wish things had been different – if only I had known he was dying, at least for a couple of days, I feel I could have made things better for him and, in turn, that would have made things slightly more bearable for me now. Then there’s the terrible shock and realisation that suddenly he’s gone and our life together is all over. The shock must be even worse for you to cope with Darla because you didn’t even know Jim had cancer until the very end. That must be so hard for you.
On other days I think about happier times and cry because they are over. On days like today I think about the future and it terrifies me to think of growing old without my husband.
It’s just basically so terribly sad isn’t it? Sometimes I just beg him to come back.
But, as our daughter said to me this evening, how wonderful to have had such a love and such a soul mate, not everyone has that. Of course it makes the loss so much harder to bear, doesn’t it? I truly am so grateful for what we had and I think your daughter in law is right. In one sense we will never completely lose them because they will be in our hearts for ever.
I talk to Anthony a lot now – something I couldn’t do in those early days- and I find it helps. I am thinking about you a lot, Darla, and often wonder how you are. Take care and please keep in touch. Very best wishes.
PaulinePauline,
I am glad you went to Tuscany. It sounds like it was a good thing for you to do. I know what you mean about all the memories, but I like you still relive the last few days & wonder if things could have been said & done differently. It has now been 3 1/2 weeks & it is still very hard, some days it seems like it has been forever & others like it was yesterday. I do try to remember all the good times & hope to be strong enough to do what you did & revisit some of the places we spent time together in happier healthier days some day. I’m sure it was rather bittersweet, feeling closer to him in some ways & missing him so much at the same time. I know exactly how you are feeling. It is the little things (like picking up the car) that really get to you. Everyone says things will get better with time. Right now that is hard to imagine. I just keep remembering what my daughter-in-law said shortly after Jim passed. He is no longer here, but he will be in your heart forever. I try to hold on to that. Pauline, please keep in touch maybe together we can be stronger. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Darla
Thank you Darla and Marion. I had a beautiful and overwhelmingly sad time in Tuscany, mainly completely alone, going to all the little towns, art galleries, piazzas etc that we used to love so much. I think it helped me because I felt so close to Anthony there that I could talk to him a lot and ask him to help me through this. However, it also underlined how completely and utterly alone I feel inside and, when I arrived back at Gatwick airport and picked up the car, as we always did together, it all got a bit too much for me and I realised once again that he is never coming back and that this awful painful emptiness is never going to go away.
Despite this, I do feel I accomplished something over there and that being somewhere so beautiful with so many memories was important. I still re lived the awful last few days and weeks again and again in my mind but I also remembered some earlier, lovely times which was a step forward.
How are you at the moment Darla? I know it is only two weeks for you which is such a short time really. Do you find that it seems longer? It is seven weeks since Anthony died but it seems such a long time to me. Let me know how you are. Take care!
PaulinePauline…have a safe trip to Italy accompanied by the loving memories of Anthony. My thoughts are with you.
MarionThanks Pauline,
It has been 1 week today for me. All of the feelings that you have expressed are mine too. In an odd sort of way, at least knowing others have these feelings too comforts me some. As we grieve together, hopefully we can also heal together. Right now it seems so hopeless & frustrating. Life will never be the same for either of us. All we can do now is take One Day At A Time. Try to enjoy your time in Italy. It may make you feel closer to him as it was somewhere you enjoyed being together. I will be thinking of you. Take Care & God Bless You.
Darla
Darla,
I undestand everything you are going through and think of you during these terrible days and nights.
It is six weeks today since Anthony died. I miss him unbearably and feel so alone without him. I go through everything that happened in those last few weeks and months in my mind over and over again. I try to do things to fill in time like get photographs enlarged and framed or make an albumn and then I realise again that he is never coming back and it all overwhelms me once more.
I am going to Italy tomorror for 6 days because we used to go there a lot and loved it so much. I think I’m just searching for him but I know I’m just going to keep on crying. All I can see ahead are empty expanses of time that have to be filled and it seems unbearable.
I too have found a great deal of support on this site both during Anthony’s illness and coming on here each day gives me some sense of perspective. The idea that we may be able to help other sufferers of this disease is one of the things that keeps me engaged with life and I hope it will do the same for you.
I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and am crying with you.
PaulineThanks Teresa
Your kind words are a comfort to me. All of this is so hard to understand right now. My daughter-in-law found this site for me & I am so grateful to have found all of you. I now feel like I have another “family” to go to for support. It seems that only us who have lived with this can truly know how it feels. Everyone’s story is a little different, but in the end we all have this horrible cancer as a common bond. Hopefully I too can be of some help & support for others who come here seeking it.Darla
Dear Darla
I am so sorry about the loss of Jim. So hard to bear, such pain,
so many tears.
I too lost my son Alan in just 8 weeks, so swift and sudden.
No time to catch a breath, no time to think, only just do.
The seasons change and I often ponder about how some go so quick and others linger much longer.So many more at this moment in time, all with memories and so many what if’s.
We are all here at any time to read, write and respond.
Tied together for ever, what is it that makes this cc so unique.?My love to all at this sad time love and light Alan’s mom
Thanks Jeff & thank you for being here for all of us. I have also posted on the introductions board explaining a little more of my situation. We meet in high school when I was only 15. We had 45 years together & had a good life. We never thought our time would be so short. I stated on the other posts that it was more than many have had, but I am selfish & wanted more! There is a big hole in my life now & I guess all I can do is deal with it One Day At A Time. Hopefully I can offer some help & comfort to others who have been there or are going through this now. After what I have been through & how quickly my life has changed forever, I really to feel the pain that everyone here has or is now going through. God Bless You & all the others on this site. I am so gratefully to have found all of you.
Thanks To All Of You
DarlaHi Darla… Thanks for sharing. My sincere condolences for the loss of Jim. Please feel free to jump in when your ready. We welcome you to a very supportive site. Loosing a loved one to such a horrible disease and sometimes with little or no warning, is so emotionally challenging. Darla, remembering those special loving moments will help. And always remember whay Jim would say to you right noe, something very supportive I’m sure.
God Bless,
Jeff G.
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