Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Hello Everyone,
Sorry I have been neglecting this site a little, so I thought I would catch with you all.
It has been nice to read all your posts. I think it is important we plan Xmas and the New Year carefully, to keep busy. I will be lucky this year as Sam and her boyfriend are doing Christmas dinner in their new house, and on Christmas Eve Ihave invited my widowed friend and my Mum to my house for a meal and have a few surprises planned for them to keep us laughing!Sam is doing well at the hospital, and my Salsa is really coming on! Still not taken any ski lessons though!
I have been very busy over the last few weeks, An old business associate is starting up a new chemical company, as he has EU funding his head office has to be in Brussels, so he needs someone to run his UK operation here and has asked me if I am interested. So I have agreed and for the last few weeks have been looking at manufacturing operations and offices etc, and familiarising myself with his existing customers and flying over to Brussels for meetings with his Belgian shareholders.
As well as running his business I will be continuing to run mine so will probably need to get someone in the office here too.
I think this has come at just the right time for me, I am starting to get my energy back and it will be good to get my teeth into a real project again.Anyway, lots of love to you all,
Sue xThat sounded like a nice trip over the channel,Pauline.I have a niece in the UK at the moment and I am dizzy with all her zipping about.So different from years ago.
I do have xmas sorted,but I am treading on toes with it.Expectations run high at xmas and I am taking a different course,
But..I am doing a workshop at the local church-making a gingerbread house,Iam so looking forward to it and plan to make it a feature of whatever xmas thing I do.
I am looking forward to my sister coming down,we have spoken to each other every day all year and Im relieved she is up to flying down.As people may remember I did get up to Queensland to see her only to return home to car disasters!
It has been a big relief to get Alastair through his last year of school,I probably repeat myself here but that seemed such a big challenge at the start of the year.Joel died on the 16th January and Al started school 2 weeks later in his final year,the poor lad was in total shock.Anyhow I realise how terrible the holiday period was for all of you who had been bereaved at the end of last year.It is tricky for me being the 1st one,but I have had time to rally.
Julia,thats great you are able to make real life contact with Pauline
Sorry for the long post…. love JanetIt was so, so wonderful to talk to you the other day, Pauline. I’ve just been offered more work covering a sick colleague so it’s head down again for a week or two but then I hope we’ll be able to meet for that coffee. I’m very, very much looking forward to it.
I gave my sister the good wishes you sent & told her about the posters you want to put up in Kings. She trained in Graphics & has a lot of friends who are still working in Graphic Design, so she asked what help you need with the posters & she’ll ask around if it’s anything she can help with.
Take care all
JuliaHi Everybody,
I have to agree with everyone that it is hard to believe we are facing another holiday season and that our husbands will never share these events with us again. I too just try not to think about it and just take it one day at a time.
Janet, your plans for Christmas sound great. It does take the pressure off some. I am glad your sister will be coming for a visit. I hope she is doing OK.
Joyce, I’m with you on digging in for the winter! It has been nice, but we knew it was coming. Atleast you seem to be doing a good job of keeping yourself busy.
Thanksgiving was OK, but it just will never be the same, will it? Sure we have family to share it with, but the bottom line is we go home alone, not with our husbands as in the past. It is still so sad & lonely.
Pauline, Your trip with the family to Lillie sounds like it was enjoyable. I am like you when I go any where, thinking how Jim would have enjoyed being there with us. I too find it hard to believe that he will never be here again and that this is my life from here on in. It is easier not to think about it as it is frightening & depressing.
Oh well, it won’t be long and Christmas will be over & we move on to another year. We have made it this far and I am sure we will all carry on, but it sure isn’t getting any easier, is it? I too am greatful to have all of you to share all of this with. It does help to have friends who truely understand.
Take care my friends and keep in touch.
Love & Hugs To All,
DarlaJoyce,thanksgiving is American.we dont celebrate it!We have xmas,New Year and Australia Day on the 26th of Jan.But…we certainly wish you well on it and every other holiday we may not share(and ramble,ramble-sorry) Janet xx
I have been thinking of you Joyce, Darla and everyone at Thanksgiving and hope it was ok for you all. These events are so hard and it’s so difficult to believe that it’s another year without our husbands and loved ones. It was Anthony’s birthday last week and, at the weekend, I took the family, icluding grandchildren to Lille on the train from St Pancras. It is only 1 hour 20 minutes on the train and is a lovely French town. We had a really good time and Anthony would have loved it too. Of course, when we got back I felt very down and depressed again but have pulled myself back up again by working and keeping busy. I still can’t really believe that this is my life for ever and it still hits me every now and again that Anthony isn’t coming back. I suppose this happens because I completely avoid thinking about the long term future as I find it too frightening.
Anyway, the next problem is Christmas, which I am just avoiding thinking about as much as possible! How are you all? You seem to have made sensible plans, Janet, which shouldn’t involve you in too much hassle! Well done!
Take care everyone and keep in touch!
Love
PaulineDear All,
Janet – that sounds so exotic – the novotel in Wollongong, I mean! I hope it is a lovely place, with wonderful food!I hope you all had a good meal on Thanksgiving, and that the holiday wasn’t too bad for you. I did find it easier this year than last, but I still miss Butch so much – he just loved Thanksgiving.
I have been keeping busy – and I went to NYC last Friday (bus trip) – saw “Wicked” – what a great play. I went with 2 women I met in my bereavement group, and we had such a nice day.
Other than that – digging in for the winter – it has been very warm but is cooling off fast now. It is hard to believe that another winter is upon us, and I have been alone for over a year. Time marches on, doesn’t it? The job is still busy – budget season right now is driving me crazy – but – busy is good, I guess – less time to think!
Love – Joyce
Hi everyone
Hope all are well etc.I am not too bad,considering all the memories thrown up at this time.I was stressing quite a bit about xmas but now have it sorted.The boys and I will go to the novotel in Wollongong for our xmas meal.A bit pricey but easy and we avoid worrying about the family in Sydney,they can sort themselves out.
My sister is coming down from Queensland,1st time she has travelled since xmas last year when she was diagnosed with 2 types of cancer.My youngest son finished school a couple of weeks ago.I t has been a big year to get through.
Thankyou all my friends here for your help and friendship Janet xxCyndi, That is so true. I think we were those people too before it happened to us. Pauline, you are right, we can all learn from this. I think we are all more sensitive to others because of what we are going through. I too am working at trying to get beyond the anger & disappointment. I guess we need to try to open up to those we trust and are close to and let them know what we are thinking and feeling.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaYes, I think that’s really important, Cyndi. When we put ourselves in the other person’s shoes it’s easier to understand their behaviour. I think letting go of the anger will be very helpful for you and I’m glad this sad memory has helped you.
We can all learn from this, can’t we? I’m sure we will all be much more sensitive to others’ needs after what we’ve been through. I hope this will help you to move forward and to begin repairing the relationships with the family.
Take care,
PaulineSince my husband died, I keep having this memory:
When I was young, my single parent mom hired a sitter to watch me during the day while she worked. Her name was Mrs. Bagwell. A sweet but sad little old lady who lived alone with her weiner dog that she loved. I once asked about her family & she told me she was widowed & her 21 yr old son had taken his life by running a hose from the car exhaust. How sad! I liked Mrs Bagwell very much but her house was so quiet & dark. She kept it that way because her little dog had a heart condition. He chased a ball under the bed one day & grabbed an electrical socket.
Still, I was bored when I was there & I selfishly begged Mrs Bagwell to let me have a friend over one afternoon. She reluctantly agreed but made me promise to be quiet & not startle her dog. I agreed. I invited my friend over & we were sitting at the dining table talking quietly. I did not realize it but the dog was laying under the table. My friend started swinging her legs under the table innocently while she spoke not thinking. Well it frightened the dog & he went into cardiac arrest. We rushed him to the vet but he died in Mrs Bagwell’s arms. I felt so guilty & sad knowing I’d taken away the only thing this woman had to love & cuddle. Some years later I was walking down the street & an old lady was walking the other direction with her head down. I realized after I passed her who it was. It was Mrs. Bagwell. I stopped & turned around to say hello but stopped myself. I figured she’d remember me as the one who took her little dog away & I’d never forgiven myself for that.I think the reason this memory keeps coming to mind is to remind me how loss felt to me as an ‘outsider’ -Someone who knew someone who lost someone very close to them.
I was shocked into silence when it happened. I did not know how to express my sorrow to this poor woman. Seeing the sadness on Mrs. Bagwell’s face, it just seemed like no words could ever suffice to ease her pain or lessen her loss. I felt like removing myself from the equasion somehow, fading away & becoming invisable.So now, fast forward 40 years & here I am a widow living alone with my pets like Mrs. Bagwell, angry at the people who left me to grieve all alone.
People who were most likely shocked into silence, who don’t know how to express their sorrow, ease my pain or lessen my loss, people who found it easier to remove themselves from the equasion, fade away & become invisable.I kept the silence when Mrs’ Bagwell’s dog died but 40 years later I can still feel the sorrow & sadness. I just didn’t know how to express it… until now that I am in her shoes..
& I know now that I need to let go of the anger.
Love & prayers for strength,
CyndiDear all,
I understand your anger so well Cyndi. How can they not realise that we need to talk about our husbands and need to feel that others miss them too and think about them a lot. This is so important and it has upset me so much over the last 15 months. I have felt a great deal of anger and have also wanted to avoid seeing some people because of it. I don’t want to talk about myself and how I am managing, I want to hear how much they cared about Anthony and how much they miss him.
I am now trying to over come the anger and to convince myself that they just find it very hard to talk about these feelings. Some people run a mile from discussing emotions and it has been a great shock to me that some one so close can die and not be talked about a great deal by those who loved him!
I now bring Anthony into conversations rather than wait for things to be said and I find this works better. Perhaps this could help you too. It is amazing that it seems that we have to take the lead and make all the effort but it has come down to this for me with some people. I know they loved him and I’m sure they miss him, they just don’t express it. I have tried this because I want the company of people who were close to both Anthony and I and I really don’t want to avoid them but it has taken me some time to arrive at this point. I hope this is of some help to you, Cyndi. I know this is a common problem as Teresa, Darla and others have said.
I would be really interested to know how others have dealt with this and if the strategies have worked. It shouldn’t be so hard to get this kind of emotional support, should it? What I would really love would be for some close family or friends to suggest an outing or an event, for example, a meal on Anthony’s birthday or at other special dates but it always seems to come down to me to suggest things. I am getting to the point where I may talk openly about this, rather than keeping it all inside.
Take care everyone!
Love
PaulineTeresa,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts & feelings. I have always found comfort in your posts. I can feel your love for Alan and the heartbreak and pain of your loss. I think it is great that so many of his friends have not forgotten him or you and are still keeping in touch with you.
It has only been a little over a year for me, but you are so right. It never really goes away. I do have some productive days, but there are still times I just sit and stare and think and remember.
I have a friend who lost both her husband and only child in less than a years time and another who lost her husband and a grandson in a short time. I have lost my husband & partner in life and you have lost your beloved son. I can not even imagine what it must be like for them to have lost both in such a short time.
We are all so fortunate to have found this site and all the wonderful people here. It is the love, kindness, sharing, caring and most of all understanding of each other and what we are going through, no matter where we are on this journey, that gives us all the strength to go on.
I hope you are able to find some joy in your crafts and other endeavors. maybe it is time for me to try something new, too. Something to fill the long evenings over the winter months.
Take care Teresa and keep coming back. I know I will.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHya all
I still come to this site every night before I go to bed.
I read about your travels along this long and winding road and still feel part of it all. I dont know how I would have managed with you all.It is over 3 years since I lost Alan in 8 short weeks, So healthy, so fit and in his words “mom I am so happy and have a great life”. When he was diagnosed he told the doctors at the hospital, I am blessed beyond belief with all of my friends. Guess what, still today and so often these friends, young ladies and young men with busy lives continue to come and see us or ring to see if we are ok.
I have found it is the people that I expected to understand are not able to comprehend how awful it is to loose someone so close, a child who was also my baby.
They go quiet when I speak of him, it is as if because he is not physically here he has completly disappeared. Some say they dont know what to say, others say it is time I MOVED ON. As if I am going to another planet or something. I have been learning some different crafts etc and my life has changed.However, my heart still aches, some days pass by and lots of things get done and there are others when I sit and ponder about how it could have happened. It does and will get easier but it is no mean feat, we will all never be the same again and our loved ones will be at peace.
Love and light to you all Alans momCyndi,
I also wonder if some is wishful thinking, but some is unexplainable and I do believe it is real and that our husbands are near to us on another plane watching over us.
Unfortunately there is no cure for what we are going through. I think this whole grieving process is a very personal thing and that only you know what is right for you. There is no time frame and it does seem to be a real rollercoaster ride of ups & downs.
I totally understand what you are feeling & going through as I have and still am experiencing a lot of the same things. No one seems to know or understand. Unless they have been where we are they can’t. Our lives have changed forever and I do feel that some of what we are feeling will never really go away, but we will learn to live with it and go on some how. I feel like the very worst that could happen in this life has already happened to us, so if we can survive this we will be strong enough to deal with anything else that comes our way. That little inkling of hope and the help and support of everyone here will get us all through this.
Take care Cyndi and keep in touch.
Love & Hugs,
Darla
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