Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Hi all. Thanks for the replies.
Yes it is comforting to me, these signs. But I’m not sure if they are real or just
wishful thinking on my part. I’ve read some on the subject & it has been said that hearing voices from your deceased husband is just another part of the grieving process & to be expected.
It felt real to me & so I guess that makes me a believer in the afterlife.
I’ve always been a skeptic & I have never heard from any of my other dead relatives, although when I lost my dog he seemed to send a sign that he was saying goodbye to us.
My cats sometimes stare intently at the darkness at the top of the stairs that overlook the foyer & I wonder if they sense him there watching us. I really hope so!I am sorry to hear that some of you are slipping back into the dark hole of depression at times. There are so many reminders/holidays etc to continually remind us of our loss. I wish I had a cure for this. I hate to see you in so much pain. This hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced, bar none.
I definately get it & I hope things lighten up for you soon. I hope you find happiness soon.I don’t know how I am going to face the holidays. I’m still angry at my brother’s family for leaving me alone to deal & now I want to rebel & avoid them all too during the holidays. (We always spent them together before)
I don’t think they understand at all how difficult this has been for me.
They want to help me “move on” in the physical sense but have offered no emotional support whatsoever. I’m angry that none of them have so much as mentioned my husband to me since he died or said that they miss him too via a card, flowers or anything else. We were together 30 years. It just irks me because he cared for them all so much & I think he deserves some acknowledgement for being a part of their lives. To act like he never existed just hurts & I’m tired of missing him alone (if that makes any sense.
I can’t pretend as though nothing has changed but I feel they are expecting me to. Or maybe I’ve been too wrapped up in my own pain to understand anyone else’s. Oh well, I am ranting (sorry!) I know that eventually it’ll purge from my system & I’ll be able to forgive the indifference I feel from family right now but it’s going to take some time.All of this grief is hard to process & life & all it’s demands are so exhausting when you find yourself doing it all alone. I guess I really let my husband define who I was. I liked it that way. It made me feel needed. Who needs me now? I ask myself “Why bother?” & then from somewhere deep inside a little inkling of hope urges me onward toward the scary unknown.
I just keep reminding myself that he wanted to live & didn’t have a choice.. but I do.I know that somewhere at the end of this weary road lies acceptance. We can make it if we just hold on I think. That is my hope for all of us.
Thanks for helping me find a way through the darkness.
Thanks for listening & understanding without judging. You definately “get it” & I can’t tell you what a relief that is to know.
Love to you all,
CyndiDear Pauline,
I have to tell you that I have again been feeling and experiencing so many of the same things as you are. I just seem to keep trying to fill the time, but it all seems to be for nothing. Anything or nothing will trigger the low times. This morning I got up and just sat there wondering what to do. It is a beautiful day here for this time of year and Jim is not here to spend it with me. Sunday we always went out for breakfast and then on to enjoy the day together doing something or nothing, but together. Now I have to fill this time alone. I really don’t like doing much on Sunday’s as it seems every where I go all I see is couples enjoying their time together and it just makes me so sad and lonely. People do tend to think we should be getting over it and moving on, but they just don’t understand, do they? I do think it is comforting to know that others here know and understand and share a lot of these feelings with us. As you said, it is so simple and yet so complex, but what are we to do? We can’t change it. I do think we are all making a positive contribution right here. Helping & supporting each other. I also think it is normal & OK when we sink back a bit. Atleast we do seem to pull ourselves back out and go back to filling the hours and days trying to keeping busy.
So, thanks to all of you for being here. Everyone carry on and come here when you need to. I am thinking of all of you and hope everyone is doing OK.
With Love & Hugs,
Darla
Dear Everyone,
Yes, strange things do happen, don’t they? Did that experiece give you some comfort Cyndi? I really hope so. It sounds lovely. Like you, Janet, initially,it was only when I looked back on some things that I realised how odd they were. My rational mind can’t explain any of it but sometimes I don’t care, I just have to feel the comfort of thinking Anthony is around and trying to communicate.
This has been a very low time for me. I have been working manically, which helps to keep me focused but sometimes I just start to sink again and I feel like giving up. I feel that if Anthony can’t come back for just a moment and tell me he loves me and give me a hug then I just can’t keep up this exhausting time filling exercise that I’m going through. Coming on here is helpful as always because I know you all understand and I really feel the support we offer each other.
Anyway, don’t worry, I will get back on my manic conveyor belt again soon, I’m sure. Life is so sad, isn’t it? I find it so hard to explain to people who keep on telling me I shouldn’t be still suffering but should be getting on with life. I reckon I am getting on with life but that doesn’t resolve anything, it just fills time. I think the answer has to be to make a positive contribution and I think we all try to do that in our different ways, don’t we? We can still sink a bit sometimes though, can’t we?
It was my birthday on Friday and I think that started this off. Two years ago Anthony and I went for a windy walk long a pier on the south coast. We were positive and he was doing well. I miss him so much. It’s as simple and as complex as that.
I hope you are all ok and that your foot is alright Cyndi. These things can affect us so much more than usual in our circumstances. I am thinking of you all.
With love,
PaulineCyndi,I too had an odd experience.I had 3 birds come into the house during the night.Not all at the same time!a few weeks apart.The 1st two were smaller birds but the 3rd one was an owl and it flew in and through the house and perched on my bedside table,then we shooed it out-this was around 3am.
I have never had birds come into the house at night before,even during the day it is rare,these ocurrences happened a couple of months after Joel died and it is only now that I reflect on it and think ??? JanetHi Cyndi,
I too have experienced those low points and isolated myself, but atleast we can pull ourselves back up and go on, so that is positive. I am glad that you are now doing better.
As for your wonderful experience, many of us have had similar things happen to us and I truely believe that on some level our husbands are reaching out to us and it is comforting to know that they are OK and are never far away and watching over us. It is often just very small subtle things. I think we just have to be open and sensitive to it.
I hope your foot is on the mend and you are feeling much better now. Take care Cyndi. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear Cyndi,
I have had some very strange experiences since Butch has been gone, and I have come to look at them as a “gift” from him – and do believe that our husbands have tried to get word through that they are “around” and watching us. At least I hope that is true – it is comforting, isn’t it?I hope that you are doing better now, and that your foot is recovering. It sounds like you have had it rough, Cyndy. Fortunately for you – I can still see you have your sence of humor – it helps a great deal. Just check in here whenever you want to talk – we are all pulling for you.
Love – Joyce
Hi friends! I hope you are well.
Havent been around for awhile because the roller coaster jumped the tracks & took me on a long self-absorbed journey of pain. When I get that low I just don’t want to talk to anyone. I hope I don’t go back there again anytime soon! Anyway..
I wanted to share an experience I had recently & ask your input on it:I was pruning a tree, fell off the ladder & I broke my foot (bravo idiot!).
Next day I drove myself to the minor injury & they took xrays, gave me crutches, prescribed pain meds & made an appt for me later to be casted.
After the appt at the clinic, I drove to the pharmacy & got my script filled, then went home to rest.
I took a Vicodin & was laying on the couch with my foot elevated & iced watching TV. I wasn’t thinking about anything except how great it felt to finally be off my foot & out of pain. I felt relaxed & at peace. I started getting drowsy so I switched off the TV & began to nod off. Then I could hear an unfamiliar male voice talking low. I didn’t pay any attention to what it was saying & just assumed it was leftover chatter from the TV rattling around in my head or that perhaps I was dreaming it. In any event, it didn’t sound familiar at all. More like a newscaster mumbling away. I knew that if I strained hard I could probably make out the words but since I didn’t think it was anything important I just ignored it & mumbled on & on.. until the end when it suddenly got louder & clearer & sounded like it was right next to my ear & it said “I love you, hon”.
It really supprised me & I opened my eyes expecting to see someone there but the room was empty (I live alone)
Who would say such a thing aside from my husband? yet it wasn’t his voice.
I sprang up & said “I love you too!” Then I kicked myself with my good foot for missing out on the whole conversation.Has anything like this ever happened to you? Was I imagining this or is my husband trying to speak to me from the spirit world?
There was so much left unsaid as his death was so unexpected (he never woke up after surgery) so no sense of closure for either of us. I still miss him like crazy..Hugs, Cyndi
Hello Everyone,
Sounds like everyone is busy – Sue – those salsa lessons sound like a great idea – fun and exercise at the same time. Made me think about the Tai Chi classes I was talking about again – I need to sign up! I, too am on Facebook now – my daughter got me going – I will have to look for you all = it is the latest thing to do, isn’t it? My friends and I are going to “The Producers” this weeken, and “Mamma Mia” in a couple of weeks. We are also talking about a bus trip to NYC – to see he Radio City Christmas show. We try to keep busy. My Mom and Dad leave for Florida Saturday, si I will miss them. I have been raking leaves for awhile now – not so many more to go and the lawn will be clean! – I have a TON of leaves! I hope you are all doing well – keeping busy is the only way I know to keep from getting depressed. I start a new 8 week group next week – from hospice – about surviving through the holidays w/o our loved ones. I dread the holidays, as I am sure you all do also – and maybe this group thing will help.Love – Joyce
Hi All,
First, I want to thank you Kearton for your kind words. I guess all we can do is the best we can do & just to keep busy & try to go on. Know that we are all thinking of you and hoping for the best for both of you.
Sue, I think you and Joyce are doing amazingly well. You are both keeping so busy and trying new things. I am so in awe of how well you two seem to be doing.
Pauline, You must now be back in London and back to work. I hope you are doing OK. I also am not looking forward to the shorter nights and the long cold winter. Our clocks went back last weekend and I hate that it gets dark so early. You are so right, everything seems so mundane and everything we do now seems so pointless, but we do have to try to keep busy & try to go on. It is just all so hard. I hope you got a chance to get to the Academia Frienze before you left, as you had planned.
Janet, I hope things are going OK for you, too. Have you heard from your Mum since she left for England? You are so right, life does not seem to give us a break just because of what we are going through, does it? The dramas just seem to keep playing out.
Everyone take care and keep in touch.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear Pauline and Darla,
I am hoping that some mundane life is returning for you both. Sounds silly, but I am hoping that is the way to relieve the absence of half yourselves.
As a Quaker, I shall hold you in the light, and cry some more for you.
Kearton
Hi to all
How are you all?I have been busy with family issues,Alastair is almost finished his final exams,1 more to go and the broken thumb is doing well.Many more family dramas going along concurrently.For me it has been an unbelievable year,life did not let up just because we were all grieving.
I wanted to say what a great group of people you have been and that you really made a difference to my life so thanks for being there JanetHello everyone,
It is quite amazing to hear of all the things you are doing and achieving. I am pleased you have got through the very difficult anniversaries, Sue and Joyce, and you seem to have planned them really sensibly and well. I am glad you both had a lot of support from family and friends.
I am back in Italy for a week and it has been very cold for the time of year and now mild but grey and raining – so all in all not great! Despite that I am managing to walk in the hills every day for about an hour which I find helpful and I seem to sleep better as well. It’s either that or the Chianti Classico that helps me relax!
I am thinking of you all and wishing it was the start of summer, as it is for you Janet, rather than winter. The clocks go back tomorrow and then the days start to seem so short and it is something I dread, really. I hope you don’t get too much snow this winter, Darla and Joyce. Now that the second winter without Anthony is approaching, I get the feeling of life carrying on in a mundane way and feel it will always be like this without him to chat to, to keep me company and to make life alive and interesting. I just fill in time basically, where ever I am. I had my hair done here in Italy yesterday and they blew dried it curly, which is not how I usually have it. I could just imagine Anthony telling me how good it looked but it seemed so strange and pointless without him to make a comment.
Anyway, I am continuing my philosophy of “keeping busy to keep going” and will return to London on Tuesday to start work again on Wednesday but have promised myself a visit to the Accademia in Firenze first!
Take care all of you and keep in touch!
With love
PaulineHi friends,
Rays anniversary went well, the family party on the Sunday was lovely, we had all Rays favorite foods, and we had afternoon tea on the 13th and kept it upbeat for Julies birthday. Sam and I left white lilies and roses on the grave in the morning, and when I went back the next day the grave was covered with flowers from friends and family, it was such a comforting feeling to know so many people cared.
This last weekend I had arranged a reunion of the people who went on my Crete holiday at Easter. One lady was ill, but 11 of us managed to get together and had a wonderful time at my friends B&B; because we took over the hotel it was just like a house party and my friends worked so hard to make it lovely for everyone. The B&B is in the Yorkshire dales, and I took Sams old hiking boots and did the Ingleton waterfalls walk , a round trip of about 6 miles from the B&B, then on the Sunday did another ramble. I ached on Monday but the fresh air did us all good. I also noticed that many of the poeple looked so much better than they did at Easter – me probably included! As they say time heals.
Like Joyce I am always up for trying new things, so the latest is that my Sking friend and I are going to try Salsa lessons to get us fit!! (and I have two left feet!).
Darla, well done for gtting onto facebook, but you need a photo up now – as does Janet! And Janet, I will sponser you if you do that tandem parachute jump with your son!
Pauline, I hope you are doing well, and thank you for all the kind messages for Joyce and I.
Well just getting ready for Keep fit, if sking doesnt kill me the getting fit for it probably will!
Love to all,
Sue xHi Everybody,
Just wanted to drop in & check in on everyone. I think of all of you all the time and hope that things are going as good as can be expected for everyone.
Sue, I don’t think you are mad, I think you are adventerous & give you a lot of credit for trying new things.
Joyce, You do seem to keep yourself busy, which I think is a good thing. We haven’t gotten any snow yet. Saw some slight flurries in the air one day, but that is all so far. I suppose I need to touch base with my plowing guy too one of these days.
It sounds like you both did OK dealing with the end of the first year. It is hard to believe it has been that long, isn’t it? It still is hard to accept that all of this happened, but atleast we all seem to be doing our best with the circumstances we have been given. I, like you Pauline, am trying hard to remember the special things and to focus on all the good times and all the wonderful things we did together. Those memories will never replace having them here with us, but being lucky enough to have them does help.
Janet, I envy you down there in Austinmer with the warmer weather approaching & those wonderful pools to swim in. Here the days are getting shorter and colder & soon the snow will be here again. I am hoping this year won’t be as bad as last year was. I finally got my van back. So that is one less thing I need to deal with. It sure does seem like it is just one thing after another, doesn’t it? I hope things have settled down some for you.
Everyone take care.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHello, Everyone,
It was difficult getting through last weekend, but I brought my granddaughters to my house for the weekend, and that helped. On Sunday, we dedicated the alter flowers to Butch, and we took them to the cemetary afterwards. The memorial went into the paper on Friday, and I thought it was quite nice – it is very difficult to know WHAT to say, but – I tried. The genealogy trip went well on Friday – it is about 1 1/2 hours to Cooperstown (yes – the baseball hall of town Cooperstown!), and the leaves were lovely. It was raingin lightly, but didn’t prevent our viewing the leaves (leaf-peeping we call it), and my friends were just wonderful. All in all, I think it went well.
I have joined the bell choir at my chucrc, and I really like it. I read music, having played piano a million years ago, but haven’t used this knowledge much lately, so – it is a challenge. Practice is fun – not sure about playing in public though! I am also thinking about tai chai – for exercise and for the mind – they have a seniors class for this, which might be a good thing – I am still thinking!
Last night my friends from the young widow’s group and I went to a little local play – “the way it was”. We enjoyed it and even laughed a bit. We have all lost our husbands recently, so – laughing is rare, and much sought after!
The leaves are almost done turning – today I go with my daughter’s family to a pumpkin farm – they have a farmer’s market, arts and crafts – stuff for the kids – a maze, haunted house, etc., and – of course – pumpkins for sale. It is very cold, but – we will dress warm and hope we don’t freeze. Frandpa used to do this with us each year, and he loved it – so – it is sad (we didn’t go last year either – another “first”), but we will remember him as we go.
You are right, Sue – we need to be greatful for what we have – we never know what tomorrow will bring, do we? I try to make that my philosophy now, and make these moments count. If there is one thing I learned from all of this, that is it. Good luck on the ski holiday – you are a brave soul, Sue – I play bells – you go sking – no comparison!!
I hope that you are all settling in, and preparing for the upcoming winter – except you, Janet – lucky you with summer coming around! Darla – i am arranging for the plow this week – it snowed a bit on Friday (UGH!).
Love – Joyce
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