Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Hi everyone,
Just a quick message to say I am thinking of you all and especially of Joyce and Sue at this time. Try to focus on the lovely times and the special qualities of our husbands – it really is the best we can do, isn’t it? These dreams cam be so strange and yet so beautiful. They make me feel a little better as though Anthony is with me some how. Isn’t it odd that we all still know our husbands are dead, even when we dream of them?
Thinking of you all,
Love,
PaulineHi all,
I have just put a memorial in the paper for ray for Monday, the girls and I are going for afternoon tea at the hotel where Rays eldest girl got married two years ago, as it is her birthday the day Ray died it we will try to keep it happy.
I am finding that whn i remeber Ray now it is as he was when he was well, and when I think of him I smile more than cry now. We were so lucky to have him for the time we did.
In the last two days i have had news of two of my friends dying, one was a lovely man who looked after our dog when we were on holday who died suddenly in his sleep, and the other was my old neighbour form our last house – she was only 57 and her husband is devasated.
So I have the dogsitters funeral to go to on Tuesday, thank goodness it wasnt monday, i dont think I could have coped with that.
Anyway it really brought home that we should be grateful for every day, and on the strength of that Ihave booked a ski holiday with one of my new friends, the girls think I must be mad – I cant ski, have no balance, have dicky knees and have to loose 20lb to get into my friends spare ski suit!!
The girls think I am mad, Sam has visions of me not being able to get off the ski lift at the top and going round and round, and Rays grandaughter is worried to death that I will fall and break something, but we only live once!!
Anyway, just thought I would tell you all that to make you smile!
Love to you all,
Sue xHello Group,
I know what you mean about the dreams – even though I dream about Butch once in a while, the dreams are very strange and surreal – and I DO somehow know that he has passed, even when I dream he is with me. The last dream that I had about him, we had gone on one of those bus trips, and he boarded the 1st bus to come home. I didn’t know, & the bus had left early – to go up ahead and get gas – and I tried to find him on the 2nd bus. Well – you get the idea. It was so symbolic, and I never saw him – just knew he was up ahead – on the 1st bus!I went out with my new friends last night, and I do enjoy that – it is nice to go out to dinner again, we used to – all the time – byt, I don’t care much for dining out alone, so I haven’t much. The weather here was beautiful yesterday – very warm, although we had a cold spell earlier in the week. The leaves are starting to turn, and it is lovely.
Today I must prepare the memorial for the paper on Friday. I have been thinking for a while what I want to say. Words are not adequate, are they?
I read all your posts, and think that we are coming along, all of us. Life will never be the same, but – we are moving along life’s pathway. I think of you all often, off in our separate corners of the world.
Love – Joyce
Hi All,
Well, I too do not sleep well & haven’t since this all began. It’s on & off. I will try to read, watch TV or turn the radio on, then I fall asleep for a while again. I am usually up way too early every day and now that it gets dark out earlier, I feel like I should go to bed as I am exhausted, but I try to stay up so I can sleep better, but nothing really seems to work. Being somewhat older than the two of you, mine isn’t related to menopause as I am way beyond that, but I do also get night sweats, so who knows!
As for dreams, yours sounded lovely Pauline. I have had some dreams of Jim and they seem as if he is here & everything is the way it was although even in the dreams I know that is not true. They do seem sort of convoluted and disjointed tho’, making no real sense. Atleast I now can remember some of them and it is somewhat comforting in a strange & different sort of way.
Pauline, I am glad that the extra work is keeping you going. Sometimes we really do need to just keep busy, don’t we? And there’s nothing wrong with watching the “rubbish” on TV sometimes, either!
Sue, it sounds like your holiday with Mum was enjoyable. It is great you are able to spend time with her like that. I did take a short time off, just over night & two days with my son & daughter-in-law. It was enjoyable & good to get away, but I still was glad to be back here in my “comfort zone”. So often I would think how the last time we did this or that, Jim was with us. It’s a start and hopefully next time I can go a little longer and eventually get used to going places & doing things alone. I too will be thinking about you and Joyce as you go through the next few weeks and hoping that you will be OK. It’s not easy, but it will be OK. Know we are here for you.
Pauline, I don’t know how strong I really am. I guess I put on a good front and look & sound like I am dealing with everything and doing OK, but deep inside I’m still a mess! I just keep plodding along and it does help when I don’t project too far into the future and take things as they come, one day at a time. It really does work.
My daughter-in-law is setting up at a market today, so I am off to spend some time with her and then we will meet my son for dinner. I am using a courtesy car that I am not used to driving, so this should prove to be an interesting day!
Everyone take care & keep in touch.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaPauline,I have had that rotten sleep pattern lately too.No trouble getting off to sleep and then awake for a couple of hours from about 3am.Sometimes its light before I get back off to sleep.This can be a problem related to menopause too aparently.It is very disruptive though,particularly when you have to get up early. Janet
Hello everyone,
It’s really good to catch up with you after another manic week at work for me. The problem for me is that the more I work and the more tired I get, the worse I sleep! I actually slept pretty well until recently and in the summer in Italy, even though I was doing a lot less, I slept really well. Strange isn’t it? I just wish I could manage more sleep as being awake for hours in the middle of the night is horrible, isn’t it? Sleep is such a break from all the emotions and I just wish it would come back! On the other hand, with this very broken sleep pattern, I have dream’t more of Anthony, which has been lovely. It’s just as though he is there with me again for a few moments and, although ,even in my dreams, I always know he is dead, it is still beautiful. Last night I gave him a lovely hug and I could actually feel him! If only it were real! Anyway, I’ll leave that now because I’m getting upset again as I write.
I am often thinking of you all and how we manage to get on with our lives, even though at the very centre they are hollow. I am aware that my work is simply a filler because I am finding it more and more difficult to think about the awful times Anthony and I went through. At least at work I don’t have time to think!
I am thinking a lot of Sue and Joyce and hope you are managing to cope with this very difficult time. Please keep in touch. Janet, I am constantly amazed at your strengh and the way you have coped with all the family issues as well as your grief. Darla, you are brave and cope so well and calmly with everything life throws at you.
Well, I am having a night off work and am going to watch a bit of rubbish on the BBC!
Take care all!
Love,
PaulineHi everyone,
Back home after my holiday with my Mum. The rest did her good, although I am aware that she is much frailer than she was the last time we went away in December. Anyway, we were very lucky wih the weather, the sun shoe every day and it was unseasonably warm for this time of year for Northern Spain. In the south of Spain we heard about torrential rain and flooding which lasted several days, but we only had a thunderstorm one night. The weather does seem to be doing strange things around the world, it makes you wonder about the global warming?
Janet, congratulations on your sons school graduation – do your schools finish their school year at different times to us?
Darla, it really does make me realise we do all like in different worlds when you mention things like hitting deer! But you are right, we are getting better at coping with things, I think everyone feels the same – after what has happened to us, it is difficult to get really upset about things life throws at us, but it is still frustrating when practical things go wrong!
Glad you are finding your work interesting, Pauline, I always feel better when I am busy too.
Joyce, thinking about you in these next weeksx
Love to all
SueHi Everyone,
I hope things are going OK for everyone this weekend.
Pauline, I still do not sleep well either. No matter how early I get up or late I go to bed, what I have done that day, how exhausted I am, I still do not get a good nights sleep. I guess it will just take time. We seem to still be adjusting to what has all happened and the major changes it has made in our lives. I’m glad that you are doing a bit better now and that the extra work seems to help you keep focused.
Janet, Have you recovered from the dust storms? How are things going for Alastair?
My latest challange was hitting a large deer this week and now being without a vehicle until it gets repaired. It seems to be just one thing after another and it is all so much harder to deal with alone. In the past I would have called Jim and asked him what to do, now I have to figure it all out myself. Oh well, losing our husbands was the absolute worst thing that could happen, so all of the rest doesn’t seem so bad. I think I would gladly deal with all the other frustrations in life if only I could have Jim here to share them with me. This being strong and learning to cope with everything life throws at you is highly over rated!!!!!!! I’m beginning to ramble on here, so enough of that.
Well, atleast we all seem to be getting a bit of decent weather for a change. Most of us are going into another winter and I am not looking forward to the short days, long nights, cold & snow! We all made it through last year, so hopefully this one will be a little easier to handle. Janet, I will just think of you in Australia as you will be back to the summer months and swimming in the Austinmer pools.
Joyce, I hope things are going OK for you too. As Janet said, it is interesting learning about the places others live. I too have done some searching and am learning a lot.
Everyone take care and have a nice week.
Love & Hugs To All,
DarlaDear people,
Well it has been a rollercoaster week for me,even though I am good on the rollerskates.We had the dust storm !! and I have had a lot of liason with Alastairs school about his broken thumb-his final exams are coming up and we have had the music performance etc.
Now then Joyce,you may need to study that geography,I have done so.I watched a great programme-Stephen Frys American tour and learned plenty.I have googled quite a bit also since coming aboard here.
We are actually about 100kms(?miles)south of Sydney in a small coastal village with a bit of rainforest escarpment behind us,a narrow coastal strip.
JanetHi everyone,
It is good to hear from you and to find that you are all coping with the many and varied challenges that life throws at us. I am working very hard now, including 3 days a week in Leicester in the midlands of England. It is helping me to keep focused and to avoid sinking like I did in July and August. I know I will wear myself out but that seems ok at the moment. I haven’t been sleeping well so perhaps exhaustion will help.
I think Spain sounds good, Sue as does the idea of staying in Sam’s new house for Ray’s anniversary. What could be better than to spend this time with someone who loves you and loved Ray and undestands how you feel. I hope you will plan something too, Joyce because it really is a difficult time.
I hope you are ok, Darla and Janet. Autumn is here but it has been a lovely September here with only a little rain and even some sunshine! I wish it could continue but I know those cold, short days are on their way.
Anyway, take care all of you!
Love
Pauline xxJanet – It is Wednesday evening here – about 8:00. I was just watching the news, and they showed pictures – near Sydney – of the dust storm – it was red, they said! I had read this post earlier, so – I guess you are near there?? (I am ignorant of Austrailia geography, I am afraid!). Anyway, thought that was very interesting – the weather HAS been very strange this year, Darla is so right. I am so glad your meeting went well – this has been harrowing – filing taxes, etc.
Sue – I am waiting to see lowered gas bills from the new boiler – I am on the budget, so I have been paying an amount from the previous year – when Butch was home all day, and we had the old furnace. I am expecting a BIG credit, and much lower bill this year. I hope the same for you. I, too have been prepaing for winter. I bought some weather stripping for my garage doors, and expect to put it on next weekend – we are turning into quite the handy persons, all of us – aren’t we? I hope you and your Mom have a wonderful time in Spain – it sounds lovely.
It hasn’t rained here in many days, either, Darla – but it IS raining tonight – no dust storm, however.
Take care, everyone – Joyce
Glad it went well Janet. The weather thing is interesting. Our weather here has also been very strange. First the rougher than normal winter and a cooler than normal summer and now in the fall we have had some really great weather and no rain for 21 days until yesterday. Then it poured. I guess I should just be greatful we aren’t having the flooding like down in Georgia and snow like Colorado. I have to believe that a dust storm and raining mud is by far the strangest tho”!
Well the apointment went ok although I was awake all night worrying over it partly because so much was missing and we had to guestimate and also because I worried that I would become tearry,and I actually didnt.
We have had really bizarre weather,a freak dust storm that reached the coast,I was woken and told it was raining mud! JanetHi Everyone,
Janet, I hope everything went OK for you with your appointment. I went through that earlier this year. Filing jointly with one as deceased was daunting to say the least. This coming year will be even stranger & harder as we will now be filing as single persons, no longer a couple. And on & on it goes, but we will some how get through all of this too.
Sue, It was good to hear from you. It does sound like you have been keeping yourself busy. I know these next weeks are going to be hard for both you and Joyce. I think spending the night with Sam sounds like a good plan. It sounds like your Mum is doing well and I hope you two have a great time in Spain together. Can’t wait to hear all about it.
Pauline, I too hope the extra work is helping you out, but not wearing you out. I guess we need to try to balance it all out somehow and make it work for us.
Cyndi, How are you doing? I hope things are going along as good as possible for you.
So, everyone take care and keep in touch.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi All,
Sorry I have not posted for so long – I have been taking advantage of the Indian summer to get all the outside jobs done, so the hut, summerhouse fences and decking are all looking pristine and set for the winter.
Joyce, I have finally got a new central heating boiler this week, so we should both be warm this winter at least!
Like you I am not looking forward to next month. I think the best plan is for me to go and stay overnight with Sam and her boyfriend in their new house – they move in this weekend so everything is newly painted etc. I think it will be good for us to be together on that day.Janet, Dont worry about your appointment tomorrow, remember everyone is on your side, I bet you will be surprised how sympathetic people can be, even in government! Hope your birthday went well, your sister sounds lovely, by the way, I am sure you are such a comfort to each other.
Darla, I think we are both lucky in that we can be flexible with work. I dont think I could cope with a full time job in the foreseeable future, but I may have to in a year or so if business doesnt pick up. But I will worry about that later.
Pauline, I hope you dont wear yourself out with all the extra work, but I know you love it so perhaps it is the right thing for you to do to keep you busy.
Cindi, as everyone says it is early days yet, you are doing all the right things!
So, I am flying to Spain tomorrow with my Mum – she is so looking forward to it and I think it will do me good to get away too. My mum is great fun she still thinks she is 18 and flirts outragesly with all the young men – she particularly likes the ones with nice bottoms!!!! I said to my friend who knows her that my Mum would be dangerous if she wasn’t 86, she said she was dangerous anyway!!
Will let you all know how the hols went!
Take care everyone,
Lots of love,
Sue x
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