Coming to the end :-(
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Dearest Sammi, I have never heard it said as well as you have. You are something else and I am sure that now it is figured out, you are so right. If you feel Dad is not waiting for someone or something else I think you really brought it home. Have you tried releasing him? It is perfectly fine to let him know that he deserves to go to his peace and that you all will be ok. And that you love him. He can still hear you. It serves as a good release for you both to say and hear it. Take care and be strong. We are all with you in spirit!
Goodness, here I am 3 days later and my dearest Dad is still hanging on.
He hasn’t eaten for 2 weeks and hasn’t drank for 3 days. He’s been unconscious since Friday with no waking. His breathing has gone from laboured to normal and back again a few times and his hands have gone cold twice with blueish bruising. Each time, we have prepared for the end and then it’s all change again.
We’ve worked out that because Dad has always been so fiercly protective of us all, he doesn’t want us to see him die – so as of tonight he is on his own. I think he will slip away quietly then. I believe our anxieties over him dying alone were just that “our” anxieties, not his.
It is my hope he passes soon so that he can be at peace and so that we, his family, can have closure from the last 6 months roller coaster of a journey.
Xx
Sammie,
My heart aches for you and your family. My mother passed away in October only 11 weeks after her CC diagnosis. We opted to keep her at home (things went very quickly at the end and there was no opportunity for her to make a decision.) My siblings, our children, and my father were with her until the very end. (Well, she did wait until the only time I left the house, which was to see my daughter in a play, before she actually passed. But I believe that is how my mother wanted it to go!) I was surprised by the strength I was able to have at the end. I took care of my mother in ways that I never thought I would be able to do. You are doing the exact right thing for your father. You will not regret the long hours you are spending by his side – you are giving him a great gift. I’m sure his is so proud of you. I hope that your sister is able to visit with him again so that she does not have regrets later. I will be thinking of you in these difficult days to come. I wish your father peace.
KristanSammie,
Thinking of you, your dad and all of your family right now. Everything that you talk of now I can so relate to and I so know what you are going through at this time. As Darla says, we are here for you.
Hugs,
Gavin
Dear Sammie, my heart goes out to you and all of you during this difficult time. Although my case never got as far as your fathers, I did think about that time, and I will say I had two golden retrievers at the time, and of course these animals are completely dependent on their number 1 human, this is a mindset that goes both ways. When my liver was resected, the only thing I wanted was to be home with my dogs, and I believe a big part of my recovery was my programmed mind and soul to take care of and look after the welfare of my furry dependants. Perhaps a big part of your fathers inability to see the world without him is because of his dog. Show him and make him know Winston is being cared for very well. My heart breaks for all of you, Pat
Two of my sons went with me to my chemo in December. The idea was to show them what it was all about and that the chemo was not a big deal. They saw that but also saw a little bit about what cancer was. We did not talk about it but I think it brought it home, maybe a little harder than I had thought would happen. I did not scare them, which is good. But this is a drop in the bucket compared to what you and your sister are going through. My heart goes out to you. I’m sure your Dad is glad you are there and takes comfort from your presence.
Duke
Thanks everyone for you views and comments.
I spent the night here last night with my sister and even though Dad was not really with it, when he stirred he knew we were there – I could tell.
He went extremely yellow yesterday morning in the space of just 3 hours – it shocked my sister who had spent the previous 2 nights by his bedside and had only left to collect our other sister from the airport (she had flown in from Australia).
His breathing is more laboured – he takes big breaths, then small, shallow ones and then pauses for around 5-10 seconds. I believe this is the real start now.
The beautiful thing is that both my sister and I who spent the night here have made a pact that we will now not leave his bedside. He knows we’ve consistently been there for him these last 4/5 days and he trusts us to do our best for him. I feel honoured that I will see my dad leave for a more peaceful place and I do not fear it either.
Sadly, our sister from Australia has been traumatised by what she saw yesterday – having not seen him since diagnosis 6 months ago. She is with our other sister (there are 4 daughters and a son) refusing to step foot in here again because she is terrified. Poor love.
I have to say, I’m glad dad opted for hospice in the end as the care here is amazing and goes far beyond anything I think any of his family could manage at home. It’s become a second home for us and it’s lovely to have the support from the nurses from an emotional perspective too. Dad has a beloved black Labrador called Winston who is allowed to visit for a few hours every day. I would strongly recommend it as it also allows for the loved ones to concentrate on spending time with them without the stress and pressure of caring for the various needs too. It’s also a blessing to have the experienced nurses to ask questions of and to guide you in the journey.
I’ll keep updating as things change. You’re all such wonderful people – thank you xx
Hi Sammie, my hubby faded from my life very quickly — only two months from a hearty 58 to diagnosed and going through what your father is now experiencing.
I was in shock and I think he was also initially. We didn’t talk about his dying; I felt I would betray him to admit defeat. I wish now that we had. I think there came a point where he had faced it, but probably felt I couldn’t face it. My husband was always an optimist.
At any rate, he came home and died at home, and today I cherish the room. It’s like a door opening into heaven for me.
To each their own though. Everyone must look at their own preferences and choose what is best for them and their family. Follow your heart.
I’m sorry for the pain you are going through.
MargaretDuke, excellent point to bring up. Teddy and I had a few talks about it and we decided together what to do. Even though he was short on stature he was immensely strong. I am short and did not feel with his strength that I could handle him at the very end, he agreed and the Hospice Nurse was here and I was trying to help him move and I couldn’t so she agreed with our decision and in an hour we were on our way. His only request was to not go by transport and asked me to drive him. Worst drive I ever took and still think about it today. But again it is a personal decision. I think given a choice, I would rather take my journey from a Hospice Facility.
As a patient this is one thing I have wrestled with. I will want to know so that I can compose myself. As for spending my last days in hospice or at home, I am still undecided. Being at home in familiar surroundings will bring comfort, assuming I am still lucid. But I don’t want a room to be known as “That’s where Dad died.” My sister cared for my father when he died at her house. And she cared for her husband when he died at home. Not something I feel comfortable asking her about.
All you can do is make the decisions that feel right at the time and never look back. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad.
Duke
Sammie,
Yes this is a difficult one and I would say that there is no right or wrong answer here. What works for one person may not be right for another. In my dads case he had a good long talk with the palliative consultant and they talked about everything including the end and timing etc and that helped dad make his decision to stay in hospice rather than come home for a few days towards the end. Personally if it was me then I would like to know everything but that is just the way that I am. I wanted to know everything about my dads CC and if it was me that was in that situation I think I would like to know everything as well. But as I said, what works for one does not for everyone.
I so agree with what Marion has said to you and also about how you are doing everything right here too. Please do not doubt yourself.
Hugs,
Gavin
Sammie….a physician once told me that the feeling of “hope” goes last. Some don’t want to hurt their loved ones and don’t want their loved ones to shed tears over their imminent passing. And, then there are others that prefer to hold on to hope rather than give in to the alternative. All in all, I believe that we should let our loved ones determine the course, support them and follow their wishes. You are doing everything right, Sammie, your Dad must be so very proud of you.
Hugs,
MarionHi everyone, Dad isn’t aware that his life is ending. When he’s awake he talks about when he goes home and seems to think he’ll get better and be able to go home soon.
Have any of you experienced this? We don’t want to tell him because we don’t want him to be afraid but are we doing the right thing? Personally I wouldn’t want to know.
The nurses have said that if he asks them they will tell him, which is fine but he hasn’t asked yet.
So difficult.
He now has a syringe driver and they gave him a catheter today too.
Xx
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