Dealing With Loss During the Holidays

Vera, Lainy – Thank You seems so inadequate, but know that it comes with all the love I have.

Laurie – Their posts are just as much for you as for me. And for everyone, patients, caregivers. Remember, love multiplies, it does not divide.

Duke

Duke,

My heart goes out to you in your valiant struggle. My Dad passed away from this illness in 2007, but I have read that many have lived and continue to live as new treatments appear.

Please try not to imagine what it will be like for your family. I remember the last Christmas with my Dad and we were in the hospital, no gifts, no tree, no lights- but, we had each other, my Dad, my mom and I. He had a meal prepared for him from the hospital staff, and my mom and I had turkey sandwiches we’d made. She had baked the same cake we’d always had at Christmas and it was accompanied by some sparkling non-alcoholic wine. We couldn’t have had a better meal if we’d been eating at a five star restaurant.

We were together, with all the trappings of this life pared away. Snow was falling that evening, across the river we saw the Christmas trees alight from my Dad’s window. My mom and I got the opportunity to give my Dad his final Christmas card with our love written in it, word by tearful word. And, you know what, it was our most precious Christmas ever.

Duke, none of us know the moment we are called home. If we’re lucky, we have the opportunity to live each second to it’s fullest. We have the opportunity to make memories for ourselves and for our loved ones. If we’re especially fortunate, we have the chance to tell our loved ones exactly how we feel about them, how much we love them, how much of a difference they have made to us. I can tell you that those memories are what keep me going, day after day. I live to honour my Dad and I hope that when I get to hug him again, that those who remain here, honour me with kindness and are encouraged to go on with beautiful memories as well.

Please don’t worry about your family. Maybe if you can think about special things, simple things, that you can all do to love each other this very second; to celebrate each and every second- even if it is just a simple celebration… those are the things that illuminate our hearts when darkness sometimes settles in, and those are the things that keep us going and moving towards the light.

I send you and your family the warmest wishes and the Brightest Blessings. God Bless you, Duke!
Vera

This is my second Christmas. I’m not decorating. It’s just me. Its a lot of work. I can’t bring myself to look at our Christmas boxes of memories and treasures. This is the one bridge I’ve yet to cross….other than not taking off my ring.

I feel my mother’s Spirit is with me all the time & I know she’s watching over me. I know that it was my mother who gave me the strength to go through all the red tape in France for her estate. The Notaire is heartless and I’m hanging on to the hope that when I die that I’ll be with my mother again eternally. She’s waiting for me for as long as it takes. A butterfly landed on my arm the other day, spread it’s beautiful wings, stayed a few seconds and then disappeared. This happened while I was walking up my sidewalk & I know that was my mother visiting me. How come I don’t dream of her?

Joyce,

I’m so sorry but I an totally relate to your feelings because I feel the same way. When you said “Maybe withdrawing from the world is not healthy, but it’s all I want to do. Nothing will make it better – unless she comes back to me.” that’s exactly how I feel. This cancer killed my mother (Nov. 29th, 2012) in 8 weeks and it was just horrific for me. She was all I had and now she’s gone. It’s been 6 weeks and 1 day now, and I’m still hurting. I believe that everyone takes their own time to heal and we can’t rush it, like many others would like us to.

This past Christmas was awful for me and I didn’t & couldn’t celebrate. All I could and still do, is think of my wonderful loving mother. Facing it and feeling it is my way of riding through the storm.

I enlarged three beautiful pictures of my mother when she was well, framed them and hung them up on the wall right in front of me, above my laptop screen. In that way I can type and look at her when I want to. I also look at one picture at a time and speak to her, cry and then speak to her again. For me, it gets better each day but then I have my really bad days. The important thing to remember is that healing is a process and can take a long time depending on the person. For me it’s a long process.

My mother is the wind beneath my wings” and apparently mother’s always stay with their children in spirit and soul. Their soul never leaves you.

You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Please feel free to leave me a message any time when you need someone.

missingU….I too thank you for you beautiful posting. You have been with us for many years, in fact it goes back to near the beginning of this site. Thank you for the continued support to us all. I wish for all good things to come your way.
Hugs,
Marion

Hi Everyone,

This is a difficult time for many of us who’ve lost a loved one. Right around this time six years ago, my Dad was hospitalized for the last time. Just today as I was driving home and seeing the neighbourhood houses with their Christmas lights on, I couldn’t believe we’d spend another Christmas without him.

Yet we are spending another Christmas without him. It isn’t just about his death, it’s about the way he died, so quickly with this insidious illness that stole him away from us with only eight weeks worth of warning. During that time, we were still hoping for a cure that was never to be. In the blink of an eye, his life was extinguished and with that, our lives too. Or at least the lives that we led back then.

So, while this message starts sadly, I want to let you know that it is possible to rebuild a new life and use that sadness to comfort another. In the time my Dad’s been gone, my mother and I have tried to live on in his honour- for the most part, the visible things have been to donate to charity and we now sponsor six kids from World Vision. When there are opportunities to show kindness to another, we do. Many times we do this for ourselves and for the recipient, but for the most part, we do it for Him, so that he lives on through these acts of kindness that were so much a part of him.

Friends, this Christmas, I’d love to say to you that time heals our hearts, but it only partially heals them. The other part is up to us. The loss of my Dad will never be totally healed, but the enormous hole he has left is being filled by the drop with these things I force myself to do in order to continue his legacy.

For all of you who’ve lost a loved one, I wish you peace of heart and spirit. I wish that somehow you can transform your pain into love of another. Even if you have to pretend to be strong, your strength will fortify another. That’s what it’s all about- we need to hold each other up, because sometimes only those who’ve fallen are fit for the task.

Brightest Blessings as you remember your dear loved ones this Christmas season. God Bless You All.

Missing U