Good thoughts please

So, it has been almost 3 weeks since my scan. My doctor is on vacation and he asked a fellow doctor to look at the scans. The radiologist said when I was scanned that it would take 7 to 10 days. We finally got throught to the secretary yesterday to ask why we hadnt heard anything from the doctor.
Well, apparently the fill-in doctor decided I need a meeting with my normal doctor to get the results. My normal doctor doesnt come back until monday so I wont have the results for most likely another week. But lets not kid ourselves, good news could have been given over the phone. Having to wait for a meeting tells me all I need to know. It is cruel. I dont have real information, but just enough to put me into depression. Do these doctors not learn about emotional needs of patients in medical school?

I am so scared, so frustrated and I feel so alone. I have tried to talk to both my parents and my husband but they are in positive mood. That might be good for them, but it makes everything more lonely. I need to talk about how I feel, what are my worries, what will this mean. I am scared. They just want to wait for the doctor to give the news. HELLO. I have been in pain for 2 months and I cant get results until the doctor comes back. What do they think this means?? My scan was so good he needs to call me in to praise me for holding my breath good for the scanner? I dont care that THEY want to wait, I am scared and lonely NOW. I want to shake them and say “STOP BEING POSITIVE AND LISTEN TO ME. I AM SCARED AND I NEED TO BE HEARD”

I am so angry at the fill in doctor and I am angry with life. I look around me and can find at least 2 dozen people who deserve cancer more than me. I want to wake up in the morning and NOT feel my body or its pains. I want to plan a life. I want to scream. I want to hit out. I want to go out and get drunk like I did when I was 21. I want to be Kris again, not some scared woman. This sucks. I have so much anger in me that out of nowhere I just angrily said “Fcuk” while sitting watching tv. Where does that come from? Where does such anger fester that it needs to randomly come out when my mind is supposedly elsewhere? How did I become that?

I think I have ranted enough.

A couple of people have emailed me and I cant email back as hotmail is not working on my computer right now. Even my computer is sick.

Dont make me laugh, it hurts.

I just got the letter and I will be having a ct next friday. So with the weekend, I will not have news for at least 10 days. Stress, stress, and more stress. If the pain gets much worse, I think I might head to the gp for something stronger. But now off to southern sweden I go to a little cottage in the middle of nowhere. I just picked a liter of cherries for the trip and am bringing a bucket for all the wild berries. I am even being so daring as to pack a swimsuit and possiblywear it in front of people I know. So everyone have a good weekend. And I do appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. I think I need them.