Haven’t been here for awhile but need to talk

Dear Charlene,

It sounds like you have a very good plan in place, i.e and provisions for emotional and practical support. Mother in laws are wonderful (although not everyone agrees) as they are our connection to our husbands. They need us as much as we need them. It also sounds like you are in a much better place now and things are falling into place. This is inspiring to me, I also have had very dark thoughts, all stemming from the impending loss of my beloved, fear of my inability to cope and very daunting financial stress.

Charlene, your feelings match reality with respect to the support on this website. You are loved. Deep breaths, reach within for peace and you clearly have love in your lifes and the strength to rebuild your life. You’ll be just fine.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Charlene;
I am relieved to hear the latest developments. I am so sorry that your Mother in law had the stroke but it sounds like it will be a blessing for both of you at this time. This will give you a little breathing room with the finances. Where are you moving to? If its anywhere close to where I am I’d love to give you a big hug! You deserve it. Take care of yourself and God Bless,
Jamie

Dear Charlene,
It is so good to hear from you again but I am sorry that life is so hard for you at the moment. I have been through a lot of the same emotions and experiences as you and I understand how you feel. I am still grieving badly and get very depressed but, despite this, I have learnt a few things along the way which may be of some help to you.
First of all, shockingly, the people closest to us who we expect to be our main support, can turn out to be a great disappointment. This is not at all unusual and I think it is partly because they cannot conceptualise the depth of our sadness and they are afraid of us, don’t know how to help and so avoid us or avoid talking to us about the only subject we are interested in, i.e. our husbands and our grief. This tends to make us feel very angry because we need them so much and we feel desperately let down. I have sometimes wanted to shout at people and at other times I have wanted to never see them again but after many months I have calmed down and stopped worrying about them. I can now see them when I want to and find they respond better to me when I take a more pro active approach to what I want from them. I also find support from one or two other people who I would not have expected it from and you may need to work out who these people might be for you. Sometimes they are people who have lost someone very close and understand how we feel.
I think it must be awful to have money problems as well and don’t know what to suggest for this. All I can say is that work has been a life saver for me. I didn’t expect to cope but actually I have and it keeps me busy which, at a certain point becomes very useful. You say you are back at work. How are you finding this? Are you full time or part time? Is there any one you could go to for advice about the financial side of things because this is an additional strain on you and havng to sell things must be very hard.
I do agree with the others about talking to your children, thinking about what you want to say and opening up to each other. It is hard when you all need to give and get support and you do have to try to get a balance between the two. Your children are perhaps missing the mum they had before and this must be hard for them and I think talking it through calmly could help. Sometimes people can really surprise you with their responses. In our situation we tend to feel unloved in the whole world but I am sure they do love you and just don’t know how to help you.
My final suggestion is that you come onto this site regularly and talk to us. We try to support each other and sometimes it just helps to know that what you are going through is normal and that you aren’t alone in your sadness.
Please take care and keep in touch.
With love
Pauline

Charlene,
I have been thinking about you often and I am so sad that you are not getting the support you need. Sometimes people are insensitive, but dont really mean to be. I hate it that those who should be supporting you are not and I pray that it does not cause a further rift in your family.

I have no advice. Just warm thoughts and an ear. There is no set time for greiving. There is no gauge on how deep one must grieve. It is all personal. And if you didnt love john so much, you would not still be so raw. It is the depth of your love that causes you so much pain now. But that is what made your time with John so special and meaningful. It is perfectly natural to be in depressed, angy and disillusioned when the person you loved the most has been taken from you and others dont appreciate your loss.

I will be thinking of you and praying you get the support you need…whether from your family, us, or friends. We are here for you.

Kris

Charlene,
I have found it is very difficult for people to understand this grief process, and the amount of time it takes us to process through it – in addition, I am sure it is different for everybody, and – it takes what it takes – we sure can’t hurry it along. Butch was my 2nd husband, but – my Grandchildren never knew any other Grandpa, and he and my daughter were very close, so they are all grieving themselves – I guess it is a different situation from yours. I am so sorry that your family can’t be more supportive – Lainy is right, maybe if you tried talking to them again, you could help them understand, and they could be more supportive of you? It would help you to feel a little less alone, I believe.
I went back to work a couple of weeks after Butch passed away (it has been almost 8 months now) , and I find it helpful – it takes my mind off my “aloneness”. I still am sad when I start home at night – I know I am coming home to an empty house – but, I stay as busy as I can, I have my little dog here, and, as time is passing, I get more accustomed to thi new life. I found a new church and have made some friends there, and I did attend grief counseling, but didn’t fine it very helpful. My advice to you is to try to find something to occupy your time and your mind – you probably won’t even enjoy things at first, but just try. I know it seems like a bother right now, but occupying my time has been my salvation. I bring my Granddaughters here for the weekend every 3rd weekend, At first it was so hard, because Butch and I always had them here together, but I have pressed on, and it is getting better – not good, I say, but – better.
Lastly, I took medicine (quite a bit of it) for a long time, although I am almost off it now. I took an anti-depressant, and it helped me tremendously. I don’t think I could have functioned without that medication, so I am greatful that my Doctor prescribed it.
Stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. We care, Charlene, and wish so much there was some way to help you.

Love,

Joyce

Dear Charlene,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down & that your friends & family are not supportive of you. I know just how you feel, as I feel much the same. I don’t think that anyone who has not lost the most important person in their life in the way that we have has any right to judge you and your feelings.

Here we all know what it is like & we all understand. You don’t just “get over it” in a certain length of time. I feel like the pain & loneliness will always be with us. We just need to learn how to live with it & move on. I just haven’t figured out how to do that.

I too am not one for counseling or support groups. I feel that the wonderful people on this site, all of whom are dealing with this horrible cancer truely understand & are my support group. So many of us have recently lost our husbands to this awful disease. Everyone here is so understanding, sympathetic, helpful & supportive. I have found a lot of comfort & made some good friends here. We are all here for each other.

Try to hang in there & come here as often as you need to talk, vent or what ever. We all know what you are going through & are sharing this lonely journey of grieving with you. You are not alone.

Take care Charlene.

Love & Hugs,
Darla