He’s given up…
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I have been reading a lot of the e-mails from different people and my heart is just breaking. My mom was diagnosed in mid-June. She just turned 71 this month. My dad died from liver cancer 2 years ago (different kind). My dad had “chills” really bad just before he passed away. My mom is now having those same “chills.” Does anyone know if this is a sign of her nearing the end? I really can’t get any doctors to tell me anything. She has had 3 chemoembolization treatments, but doesn’t seem to be getting better or stronger after this most recent one. The doctor said if she is not stronger in 3 weeks, he will not do anymore treatments on her. If you have any information on the chills, please let me know. I appreciate your time in responding. My prayers are with all of you. It is depressing, yet comforting somehow to know my family is not the only ones dealing with this horrific type of cancer.
Anita
Thank you Kris for your kind words. It helps me to hear things from your perspective – to relate to how Charlie might be feeling. I’ll do my best to stay strong and I’ll never stop reaching out to him like you said. You’re a smart, wise woman and I wish you and Hans all good things! You’re in my prayers also.
Carol
Carol,
I know your husbands actions/feelings dont seem fair. There arent. And what I am about to write wont be fair either…you have to be the strong one, the reasonable one, and the one that forgives. Your husband has big demons in his head-fear and anger. It will take all you got to get through those emotions. It is not fair that you have to shoulder this burden, but this disease is not known for its fairness.As the cc patient in my and my husbands relationship, I know that sometimes I am the most selfish person. I am cancer free right now, but we all know that cc never lets go really so I live in constant fear. Most days it is just a little cloud in the horizon of a perfectly wonderful day and then once in a while there are very dark days when nothing anybody says or does can make me shake the fear of death, pain, and the worst thoughts-of leaving my husband and family. I get so scared of leaving them, that sometimes I might push them away intentionally- if that makes sense. Maybe that is what your husband is doing. Sometimes I feel that talking is actually a burden to my husband who has to listen. What is there to say? I am scared. I am terrified. Angry. If I talk, I might cry and that would only make him feel worse. So sometimes I am quiet, snappy, and moody. Sometimes I dont want to talk. What can Hans understand? He can try, but what. My fears are enough, I dont need to hear his as well-that would break my heart because I love him so much. But then there are days when we are all wrapped up in each others arms and we talk and talk and both our tears flow and we take strength from each other. I wish I could tell you what triggers my silence and moodiness and what triggers the ability to talk and share, but I cant. But I can offer hope, that like me, your husband will have a day when he feels ok to talk about it and share those thoughts and reconnect with you. Keep trying. Depending how stubborn he is, your love and caring will eventionally crack that wall if you keep knocking. I know that Hans and I have had the best conversations in the morning while still in bed and in each others arms. It is safe, yesterdays moodiness has been forgiven and I havent done anything (yet) to frustrate either of us.
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Please keep reaching out to him.
Kris
Hi Lisa, I believe you are right on target with everything you said and I feel like I’m losing Charlie and losing the battle…
Thinking and praying for you and your family too. Thanks for the love.
Carol
Hi Mary, I tried to talk to him about how he’s feeling again this a.m., but all I got was a loud “I’m tired. What do you want me to say?” He lays in bed or on the couch about 20 hrs. a day and the rest of the time he just sits. He won’t drive or go anywhere. I don’t know how he’s going to undergo this major surgery in this kind of shape.
I hope your husband never gets to this point with you. It feels like I’m up against a brick wall and I feel so alone. He won’t take antidepressants. He flat out refuses. I’m sure your husband’s denial is hard to deal with too. There’s just nothing easy about this, is there?
I’m sorry you had a rough day yesterday, me too. I hope today is better for you. You’re right, we do want to go back to our old lives. Thanks so much Mary for your kind words and you and your husband are in my prayers too.
Carol
Hi Carol,
I am not sure if I can fully understand what you must be going through because I am losing a Father not a Husband. All though no matter how the loved one is related to us, we all go through many of the same emotions, it is just a very different kind of loss that we experience.
Husband’s are our partners, best friends, and we do spend everyday with them.I would think that what your husband is feeling is anger. He is tired of being sick and tired of the treatments that aren’t making him feel any better. The anger, does cause depression and a feeling of giving up. They just get tired of fighting. In your Husbands case, it sounds as though he may still have a chance to fight this disease and be able to spend more time with the ones he loves. Don’t let him give up, he is internalizing all of his feelings, and he has to let them out. Sometimes outside support helps, but not everyone can talk to a stranger.
Most importantly, you have to take care of yourself too. Obviously the way he is acting is taking its toll on you emotionally, and sooner or later physically. When my sister was dying of a rare cancer at 26 years old, she was angry at everything and everyone around her. You could not say anything to her that made her feel better, she was just bitter. Your husband is young, and I am sure he is thinking how unfair this disease is. He is too young to be faced with the possibility of leaving this world and leaving his loved ones behind, especially you. I am certain he doesn’t want to give up the fight, but right now, he feels so helpless and tired. We all have to remember that when you are the person with the cancer, they have a strong feeling that they are somehow letting us down too. They are worried about what will happen to us should they lose the battle.
You and your Husband are in my thoughts, and I hope he realizes how much you love him, and is able to get through this stage of anger and depression.
Much Love Coming Your Way,
LisaDear Carol,
I know there are others here that have gone through the same thing you are. My husband never really shut me or the kids out. In fact I think he was and still is in denial. Even during his rough times he was willing to try anything he could and work hard to get better. My fear is that he is convinced that he is “cured”, even though the Docs all tell him it will be back. He may react a lot like your husband if and when that happens. I really can’t imagine what you can do . The Docs offered my husband medication early on when they were afraid he was depressed. Do they do that with your husband. It would probably really help if he would agree to try. I hope he perks up and gets ready for his surgery.He really needs to be in the best shape possible to undergo such a major operation. AS far as you crying I did the same thing. I have had many months now of clear sailing but yesterday it hit home again and I was teary all day. It seems selfish but we all just want to go back to our “old” lives and not have to deal with all of this. I look at my husband constantly to try and detect any change , jaundice etc and I know it drives him crazy but I can’t help it! Take care and if you need something to help you through you should take it too. We all need help at one point or another. Take care. You and Charlie will be in my prayers. MaryDear Friends, I’ve been here before and need help again. Can’t sleep, up and on the board. My husband, Charlie, age 52 with cc diagnosed end of May this year. He’s had 14 wks of Gemzar chemo, chemoembolization almost 3 weeks ago and supposed to have left lobectomy 1st wk of Nov. He’s my best friend and sweetheart. A sense of humor has always been a mainstay with us. He seems to have given up now. All the the nice things people say like treasure your time together, etc. don’t seem to apply anymore. He’s retreated into a quiet little shell that he won’t let anyone into. He won’t go to a counselor or therapist. He’s sick of doctors and pills. He’s still aggravated with me about mentioning his irritability to one of his doctors. Also, change of seasons and cold weather coming on is very rough on him, not his favorite time of year. Ever since the c’embolization, he’s never bounced back. He’s sleeping more, lost 10 lbs., quiet, no appetite. He is achy and his knees are killing him. I don’t know if that procedure was good for him or not. Of course, he needs to gain weight, walk, get ready for his major surgery in Nov., but he doesn’t seem to care or want to or be able to. When I ask him about what’s going on with him, whether it’s depression or something else going on that we need to talk to his oncologist about, he snaps, “I’m fine and dandy.” He is sick of me asking questions and wants to be left alone. He doesn’t want to go to the movies, the Y or anywhere.
He’s been the love of my life for 25 years and now I’m at a loss. He’s shut everyone out. I feel so lost and alone now with no communication.
Have others experienced similar situations? At the time we should be pulling together and fighting, we’re not. I’m devastated. I try to stay strong at home. My time alone when I go out and run errands is when I break down. I literally cry between stops and go ahead and get what I need to do done. Instead of working together, we’re pulling apart and it’s breaking my heart!
I know there is so much suffering of others on here who are going through this nightmare. My heart goes out to all and I wish the best for all of us.
Losing it,
Carol
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