How things are going
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Dear Pam,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I have had a lot of those feelings in the past five years since Jim passed and found that getting it out, especially to those who truly understand and care does help lots.
Your life and those around you have been changed forever by this experience and great loss. It will never be as it was, but in time you will be able to remember all the good times and cherish those memories. Although you will always miss her the sadness will lessen somewhat as those memories bring you comfort.
Thinking of all of you and sharing your pain and sadness.
With Love & Hugs,
DarlaThanks so much allowing us to go through all of this with you. Your post brought me to tears. You and Lauren are my heroes.
love and prayers,
AudreyHi Pam,
I haven’t posted in quite some time because I am going through a very difficult time. But when I read your post I felt the need to respond. I think about you and Lauren every day and how difficult this time must be for you. I lost my son to cancer back in 1989. We spent two years doing everything we could to help him survive even though the odds were against us. At the end I felt that we did all we could and that left us with some peace. You and Lauren did all you could and took all the chances possible for survival and I hope that can leave you with some peace.
Take your time and grieve your sweet, beautiful Lauren. I didn’t know her personally but through all your posts I felt like I did and I felt a closeness to both of you that was so personal to me that it surprised me. You made Lauren come alive in your posts and I rooted for her everyday!
Take care of yourself Pam. Be kind and gentle with yourself. There will be a time when the good times with Lauren will outweigh the sadness but that takes time – give it time and know that we are all thinking of you.
Peace & Hugs,
MaryPam,
What a lovely, heartfelt post. The special bond between mother and daughter is clear in every word. Thank you for continuing to share your expression of love for Lauren and for allowing us to be part of this difficult time you are going through. As you said, this is a special place with amazing people who truly care.
Carl
Pam….In this incredible time of sorrow yet you just know to say the right words to us.
Of course, dear Pam, you must heal and that is a process unique to yourself. No one will grieve in the way you do. And yet mourning the loss of Lauren is the only way to grieve and grieving is the only way to heal.I have learned that the feelings of numbness and disbelief help insulate us from the reality; only then we are able to tolerate the unbelievable. We loose the ability to think clearly and decisions are difficult to make. We loose energy and slow down. Part of our survival instinct is to nurture ourselves, dear Pam. Therefore, let it happen. Hug yourself, allow yourself to go blank, smile when you can and cry when you need to. The memories of your sweet child will stay forever, some will hurt and some will warm your heart. Allow you to be and allow yourself to place one foot in front of the other – one day at a time.
Know that Lauren and you are deeply embedded in our hearts and souls. Know that we thank you for the privilege of being part of your life and know that nothing but love is heading your way.
Hugs,
MarionHi Pam,
My heart also breaks for you and I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through right now and also how you and your family are feeling. Thank you so much for thinking of us all and explaining in great detail what happened to Lauren. And no Pam, you most certainly have not left us all hanging here. You must, must, must take care of yourself and your family first. You take all the time that you need Pam, there is no rush at all. You know that we are all here for you and always will be but you must be ready yourself. Thinking of you.
Hugs,
Gavin
Pam,
Words fail me. I wish I had the words to comfort you and make things better.
I would have done the same thing in Lauren’s position. It was a huge step, but one with the hope of getting back to a “normal” life, whatever that is.
I pray she is at peace, and I just know she is watching over you with all her love.
Thank you for sharing more details of her final days. I know it had to have been the hardest decision… To shut off the life support, but from what I know of Lauren, it was the right thing to do.
Much love and hugs,Pam,
I’m glad you posted and let out your broken heart.. I can’t even imagine the pain that you must feel losing your loving daughter. I can feel your pain in your words and my heart break for you. I think sometimes it is hard to express your sorrow to people who are very close to you.. You are probably thinking about the other person’s feelings etc. I hope that you can come to this place whenever you need to share and express your grief… Please take care yourself and know that we are here for you.Lots of love and big hugs to you.
Jeeyoung
Hi, Pam,
You are so brave to let us know what did actually happen in such a difficult time when the passing of your daughter, Lauren, still very much fresh in our minds.
I sincerely thank you for your courage and the eagerness to continue helping those who need you the most, our members on this message board.
Please by all means helping yourself first. Pam, I am just a simple Midwestern man,I know I cannot fully express myself emotionally especially in a situation like yours ,so please forgive my short coming.
God bless.Pam, my heart just breaks for you. I cannot imagine loosing Robin and she is 51 next week not 27. It is not supposed to be this way. Children don’t leave first, it makes no sense. You take your time, no one expects you to come aboard until you are ready. You know we always say on here that everyone grieves in their own way and time and Gio I am sure is doing what is best for him. He sounds like such a good man. It is good to hear from you even once in a while and you know you can come on and post away if that makes you feel better. I know it gave me comfort after loosing Teddy. Take care and know that you are all loved so very much and I know that Lauren is smiling down on all of you!
Hi Everyone,
I have not left you hanging. I have been reading everything every day. Just not up to commenting much yet. I know a lot of you read my blog and I thank you. But sometimes I feel like I can’t really even express my feelings there. I know this is my only safe place where nobody will judge and everyone will accept me with open arms. I am sad, darnit, and I miss my daughter. She was my buddy and we did everything together. Now she’s not here and I am lost. I have my family and they are great. My husband is so caring and sweet to me. He is having just as hard of a time as I am. My son, Ryan, stays busy with work and friends. He is so loving and caring with me as well. Kristen, my daughter, is busy studying for boards and getting ready for her new job. Plus, she lives 200 miles away. She commented to me the other day that she really hasn’t had time to grieve. I think things are going to hit her hard one day. Mark and I visit the cemetery every day and sometimes I think it makes me sadder to go there. I keep going, hoping that I will get used to it. It is very peaceful and lovely, but then I think my daughter’s body is in the ground here. That is not fair. She is only 27. I wish it were me and not her. We rarely see Gio (Lauren’s fiance) anymore and that really hurts. He was at our house almost every day for 8 years. He says that being at our house or around us is too hard for him and makes him too upset. He also can’t go to the cemetery without getting really upset. So he stays away. It breaks our hearts but we have to give him space and let him deal with things the way he wants to. I can’t imagine anything being harder to go through than this. I know a lot of you don’t understand how this happened. Lauren was doing so well. After the second surgery, where they removed the bad half of her liver, she developed a clot. They took her back to surgery a day later and replaced a vein with one from her thigh. That afternoon, while in her SICU room, she had a stitch break loose and was bleeding out. They managed to open her back up and repair where it had ruptured. During that episode, she received 80 units of blood. She was left open and her abdomen was packed and sealed to make sure everything was ok before closing her two days later. After all this trauma, her liver never really gained function, probably from all the trauma. Her kidneys were not working either, thus the reason for dialysis. She was on every IV imagineable (15-20 different drugs). She was sedated and on pain meds. The doctors took her off these a few times and she would only move her head and open her eyes. She never moved her legs or arms after the surgery to replace her vein. The doctors and nurses tried everything to make her better. They even got a MARS machine, which Dr. Sonnenday really had to fight for to try and filter her liver and get it going. She was on a ventilator the whole time and her lungs got really bad. She had many bronchoscopies to clear her lungs of blood. She developed what is called TRALI (pronounced trolley) which is Transfusion Related Acute Lung Injury from too many blood products. She had hundreds of units of blood, plasma, and platelets. Her lungs basically were ruined. She was on the highest setting on the ventilator there was after 3 weeks of trying to get better. We decided enough was enough. She was never going to get better. Her body had given out. They took all her IVs out and in less than an hour, Lauren passed. I swear her face and body changed the second she was gone. It was like her spirit left and went to heaven. I often wonder what would it be like if she never had the surgery, but then I think, that would never happen. She wanted this surgery so bad for a chance at life and would never have said no to it. She fought so hard through chemo and Theraspheres. She never complained and just fought through with a positive attitude and hope. Lauren is and always will be my Hero. I hope to be back to help everyone, but for me to be able to do that, I must first help myself. God bless all of you.
Love,
-Pam
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