December 18, 2014 at 3:54 am #85937okansasParticipant
Dear Carl, your post really captures the feelings a spouse has when they are left behind. You describe so eloquently the raw and unceasing pain.
It’s been a little over a year for me now. I can tell you that you do start to learn how to live with the pain.
And I believe Darla when she says it gets better, although I have not yet seen that for myself. And I believe Lainy when she says that life is for the living, although I haven’t felt that yet either. But their experience gives me hope.
Yes we carry on for our children, but it can seem impossible some days.
It’s wise of you to come back to the cc family/ forum now and again. Yes it’s painful to remember the suffering and loss of your beloved, but those who have traveled this path before us offer much hope and wisdom and comfort. For that I am grateful.
To those who still have their loved one with them, I will say my biggest regret is that while my husband was still alive his illness moved so quickly we didn’t have the chance to talk about our life together after this earthly one. I really yearn to know what he would have told me. I believe in the signs, and do see them.
Carl, for now don’t think of big chunks of time. Sometimes it will be all you can do to Just think about breathing. That’s an accomplishment. just hang on second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Before long you’ll find you have stretched that to a day, then a week, then a month. You will feel better. As Lainy mentioned, if you are spiritually inclined, cling to that for dear life and it will help. Lean on others for now.
I am so sorry for your loss. Know that many are thinking of you and wishing you comfort.
MargaretDecember 17, 2014 at 4:39 pm #85938debnorcalModerator
I am so sorry for your loss. When I read your post, my heart broke for you and your family. Your sentiment to your wife was beautiful and touching. I have no words to offer to make the pain disappear. Please know, though, that I am praying for you, your wife and family, as are so many others on this discussion board.
DebbieDecember 15, 2014 at 6:34 pm #85936gavinModerator
I so wish that I could say something that would help ease the pain that you feel right now. Having never been married I can only imagine the pain that you are feeling right now so I guess there is not much I can say that would help. But please know my friend that I am thinking of you and your family right now. And you know that we are always always here for you.
GavinDecember 15, 2014 at 4:47 pm #85942darlaParticipant
I have to agree with everything Marion has said. I too feel that the stronger your love the harder the grieving, but it is a testament to your love for Lynn and it is that love that makes you feel as you do. We have all been where you are now and yes, it does get better, it never truly goes away, but we do learn more how to deal with it and to gradually live our lives again. Yes, it does take time, longer for some than others and that’s OK. A part of you has changed or gone with her, but know that she too is always near you and if you are open to the signs, they are there.
Thinking of you and hoping that things will get better. Take care Carl and know that we are here for you when you need us and are ready to come back and be a part of this wonderful group of people who share this common pain.
DarlaDecember 15, 2014 at 5:39 am #85941marionsModerator
Carl…..It is said that grief is the price we pay for love. And I say that our hearts and brain are not synchronized and although we can intellectualize the meaning of this powerful statement, we simply can’t reason with a broken heart. Be kind to yourself, dear Carl. This is the first Christmas without Lynn’s physical presence. It is bound to hurt. It is a fact that the “first” of everything (Holiday, Birthday, and all other celebratory days) are the worst to experience. And, then it eases. the pain stays, but the frequency of the experience lessens with time. You too will re-energize, dear Carl, it simply takes time.
MarionDecember 14, 2014 at 10:34 pm #85940lainyParticipant
Dear Carl, I promise you things will get better. Give it time and perhaps a grief counseling group or a clergy could help. I swear to you there is something to this believing in the beyond and spirituality that really helps one get through. Teddy just had his 4th anniversary and I don’t think one person on this site doubted the love we had. Well I have met another wonderful man. So it can happen when you are really ready. Carl, life is for the living! Grief is different for everyone and sometimes we need a little help from our Docs. Wishing you the very best and we are all here for you.December 14, 2014 at 9:10 pm #85939dukenukemMember
I know that someday my wife will feel the same as you. If I could, I would tell her then that this is something I need her to work through. Even though I could not be with her physically, I would be with her spiritually. Our kids need one parent to carry on, To be there when they get married – to play with grand children when they come. She has so much yet to do with her life. Maybe that will be your new contribution – providing support to other surviving care givers.
Thank you for your past efforts and I look forward to what the future has in store from you and for you.
DukeDecember 14, 2014 at 8:01 pm #10811scheitrumcParticipant
I don’t even know where to start.
To my beautiful wife:
I love you and miss you so very much. I try to get by without you but it hurts so much. I try to get involved in all the things that meant so much to us, but it feels so shallow now. I try to be more like you with our children, but you were so good at being “you” that it backfires when I try.
I try to be me, but I no longer know who that is. My life has lost meaning and purpose, but I will not say that to my children nor mother-in-law, who I love dearly.
Today, I have cried since the minute I awoke. I don’t know why today was the day that this came crashing down on me. I have had tough days since you left us, but today is most definitely the worst.
To my CCF friends:
I do want to thank you for all the help and consolation you provided during these past 2 years. You were most definitely my “go to” place, and people, for support, information, and guidance. I can’t begin to tell you how hard it is to even log in anymore.
I know the people on this board care deeply about each other and want to help in every way they can. I have so much respect for you because – even in your own situation – you want to help others. I tried to do that while I was helping navigate the path forward for Lynn. But with Lynn gone, it’s so very hard to even think about this horrible cancer, let alone try to think about how I can help others going through this.
Hopefully, someday I’ll be able to re-energize and help others with the “lessons learned” while dealing with this disease.
I have already found out that holidays have been changed forever. And someday, maybe the family holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas will have a new meaning. This year, they remind me of the pain. I wish I could be more positive during this special time of year.
Regardless, I want to truly think all of you and wish that you can find a way to have a happy holiday season.
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