need help –advice please!!!

dear Dorien, my heart breaks for you and your family, and it is difficult to not let what you hope for distract you from what you have. God bless, Pat

Thank you for your post here, Bonnie. You sound in a similar circumstance to me – my youngest is 15. I took a lot of comfort in your words and advice.

So nice to hear from you, Jen. I am wishing you all the best as you get ready for the arrival of Alyssa Breh. Please let us know how everything goes!!

Love and hugs,
-Pam

Hi Lainy,
I’m on here EVERY day. Several times, in fact. I just don’t post too often. Dad talked about the table of food he saw in his dreams, and I’m sure he went directly to have a nice big dinner after telling us he was going to be “stepping off the curb on a very beautiful boulevard to go to the other world”, as he put it. Funny you should mention that, as I have spent the last 2 days reading all my posts about those final moments. Guess I must have needed a good cry, and that did it for me!

Katelyn is very excited, and has even decided that baby’s name will be Alyssa (which we like and will probably use). The middle name will be Breh… pronouced “Bray”. It’s Dad’s name (Herb) spelled backwards.

I will certainly let you know how I’m doing. So far so good. Andie seems to be doing well, according to facebook. She has her moments as I do, but we still chat once in a while about our dear Dad’s. I can’t believe it’s been 2 years either. Love the Teddy stories – I haven’t had a visit from Dad recently, but would sure love one! I know he’s around though, no way he’d be missing out on getting to know this little babe before she’s born

All my love!

Jen

Hi Dorien,
I’m writing from a different perspective – a daughter who lost her Daddy way too early (and I was 30 when he passed away almost 2 years ago)! From day 1, Dad’s attitude was “it is what it is” and really focused his time and energy in making sure that we spent quality HAPPY times together, and he couldn’t stand it when we sat there and concerned ourselves with the later-ons, and the anger and the sadness. We actually got into a few arguements because I kept telling him it WASN’T okay and it really bothered me that he accepted it so easily. Thing is, I’m sure he really didn’t accept it as easily as he let on. I had just had my first child when he was diagnosed, and I know it broke his heart to think of everything he would miss with his kids and grandkids when he was gone. He chose to help us deal with our grief in that year and a half from diagnosis to when he passed by letting us know that HE was going to be okay, and that he needed to know WE were going to be okay.
Once I figured that out, my attitude really did change. I decided it wasn’t fair to him to make him feel somehow guilty by always being so upset that he would be leaving us, because clearly it wasn’t his choice and was hurting him as much (or more) then it was hurting us, whether he let on that it was or not. Once I got that through my head, it was easier to face, and we often even joked about it (believe it or not)! He went to have a family ring made for my Mom out of his wedding band, and when the women asked when he needed it by, he said “well, soon… I don’t know how much time I have left”, and I burst into tears. When we walked outside he burst our laughing and said that the tears were perfect, and that we may as well use the “dying” card while we could. I remember starting to laugh and not being able to stop. He had that ring in hand 5 days later… ha ha.
Anyway, long post that could have been much shorter, I think it’s just so important for us to realize that our loved ones need to know that we are going to be okay. It’s okay to cry, and be mad and be sad, but I think we (or I, at least) needed to focus on helping THEM feel better… they are the ones that are going to have to leave, after all.
Now, 2 years later I am going to be having my second child (due just 3 days before the anniversary of his death), and as sad as I am, I really do know he’s okay because he made sure I knew he would be. You have a beautiful family (I’m obsessed with your blog and instagram, by the way), and you will be fine afterwords. It won’t always be easy, but like others have said, things have a way of working themselves out. For now, just continue to spend time with him and your kids. Make memories and know that it’s true what they say… the memories will get you through. Oh, and one thing I wish I had was something from him with his voice. Sometimes there’s nothing in the world I want more then to hear his voice. Just a thought for your kids. There are recordable books, and as cheesy as it sounds, I wish I had him read one for each of us while he was still healthy enough. It’s a small keepsake that would have meant the world.

Thinking of you and your family.

Jen

Hi Dorien,
I am stage 4 CC. I have a terminal diagnosis with surgery, chemo and radiation not an option at this time. As for finances. I am in Canada so not sure if it is the same there as here. I have been off work since my diagnosis due to the nature of my work. I had sick leave built up so I went off work on September 12th and my sick leave runs out this May 7th. I applied and was accepted for Long Term Disability and also applied for Canada Pension Disability. I am the one that takes care of all the finances here. So I have everything in order. I have made sure that all of my payments that are due for things like cable, heat, lights etc. are coming out of our bank account as automatic withdrawal. Tis way my husband will not have to worry about bills. I do have life insurance at work so I have the paper work all filled out for that and I also have personal insurance which is all in order. We both have good medical insurance so that is not an issue for us and our health care system is quite different than yours. I took care of all of this as soon as I was diagnosed. I don’t want to waste any time thinking or worrying about money. We spend quality time together. we cant afford to go on big trips or anything but we have been doing little adventures as a family that are not expensive. Our oldest son lives in Ottawa and is financially secure. He has a good job, so he will be fine. the other two boys are continuing there studies in University. I don’t spend anytime being angry. I figure I have had a good life and I am continuing with it for as long as I can. I think this is life we are here and we are all going to die. I consider myself blessed with the opportunity to have the time to make sure I say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. Some people get no notice and boom the are gone without being able to say their final good bye’s. Am I sad that I wont meet my grandchildren or get to see my children get married of course I am but that is life! Do what you can with the time you have left. Upon my diagnosis I decided at that exact moment no matter what the outcome I was going to be positive and happy for everyday that I have with my friends and family! I can tell you that my husband is having a hard time with this and I have spoke with my Dr. about him and made arrangements for him to speak to a psychologist to help him deal with it all. I think it is important as he is going to be the leader of the family and I have to make sure he is ready to take charge when the time comes. Now I spend my time making sure that I build memories and that everything is in order for the boys and my husband to do what needs to be done to secure their future.
Bonnie