Pallative care vs Hospice
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Kathy, you are not alone. Lainy told me once earlier to take one day at a time and sometimes only one hour at a time. Keep your focus on your Dad because those are the memories you will remember. Thank goodness my Mom wants to be cremated and besides my brother (clueless) I am the only one who lives close by. It is amazing how death can bring out all sides of people. I try to remember sometimes that I don’t have to win every battle because I want to win the war! Please take a moment for yourself each day, take care.
Kathy-I am sorry about your dad and all the family drama. My sisters (there are 4 of us) had a little drama with mom’s funeral and resolved it by having 2 services. My mom like your dad spent her last 14 years in the midwest but spent her other 66 in California. We did promise mom she would be buried with our dad but hadn’t planned a “service” out there for her. My sister was insisting on a full funeral out there and we all agreed as long as she paid for it, needless to say we had a small service at the graveside. Money talks!! Your dad’s wish should be observed, but his main wish I am sure is for his children to be together. I suggest your sister have a memorial in NYC for his life there, at her expense.
Lots and lots of prayers for your dad and family-CathyOh Kathy, You are definately not alone. I also had to deal with similar issues. Everyone is already under enough stress without having to deal with all of this, too. Hang in there and do what you feel is right. Your dad’s wishes are what is most important. The rest will all work itself out one way or another. Take care. Thinking of you.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi, just wanted to say that Teddy and I had discussed Cremation for a long time and that is what we wanted. I love that I can go in to my living room and pick up and even hug or kiss the small and pretty urn where Teddy rests peacefully. It actually brings a calmness to me. I have instructed alll the kids, his and mine that when its my turn I want our ashes mingled. It gives me very good thoughts about eternity together. Funny, we are have our different ways but that is what makes the World go round. P.S. I had also divided up small packs for those who wanted a few of Teddy’s remains. Teddy loved his golf and especially with my 23 year old Grandson so Grandson’s girlfriend found a small ‘ash’ holder that is a Golf Bag. She put some of the ashes in it for Josh and now when he golfs Papa goes right with him. Amazing what you can get today.
My mom wanted to be cremated. The funny thing is I am having such a tough time with it. I like going someplace to visit my grandparents. They funny thing is I will have her ashes (until my step father passes), so she will still be with me. But I want someplace to go. It is funny the things we want.
I think all families should have these discussions while everyone is healthy. These discussions are very hard when you add in a terminal illness.
You have too much to worry about, please don’t let your sister bother you and enjoy the day with your dad.
Diane,
Thank you for your caring words. Its nice to know that all of you have either gone thru or are going thru the same things we are now and can understand all the emotions I am feeling. Not that I wish this on anyone.
My daughter said to me “how would it make you feel if we buried you instead of the cremation you want?”. she’s right, I would want things done as I asked.
Take care of yourself too.
KathyDear Kathy, my heart is aching for you. You’re going through so much. I’m glad your daughter talked with her aunt. This isn’t about your sister. This is about your father, and he has made his wishes clear. What’s to discuss?!
I’m glad you are able to spend some alone time with dad.
I’m thinking of you,
DianeLainy,
Thank you for your support.
My daughter said she spoke to her tonite and when she said that her Grandfather’s last wishes should be carried out my sister didnt say anything and when my daughter asked if she was still there she abruptly said she had to go. My daughter is very upset with her and she said we have to stand up to her,
On top of all of this I sprained by arm above the wrist and I am in a half cast with an ache bandage around it. My back is also killing me as stress causes me to get more spasms and that causes more pain.
I hope Dad gets his 1st wish and that is that it will be fast for him.
sorry if there are typos as its hard to keep my fingers on the keyboard
KathyKathy, I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this with your sister. Your sister will miss out. She can have her services there. When the time comes, there is nothing more that you want to do than to do everything your parents would have wanted. However, while talking with our funeral director he said most families did not work as well as we did together. You sister will regret it one day. But you just want to make sure your dad is happy. We had a social worker come and talk with us about my moms funeral plans before she passed…and she kept going over it with us to make sure my mom had what she wanted. My moms brother never came to see my mother since her surgery over a year ago. She did not want him at her funeral. The day after her funeral I dropped off her mass card with him. Hopefully his wife passed it on.
Do ask about palliative care. My mom started on palliative care because she wanted to do more treatments. I don’t know if different insurance policies do different things. But in the end, the palliative care team was the same as the hospice. The only difference was that the nurses came around more being on hospice and there was no co-pay for prescriptions or medical supplies.
Best of luck to you. There were some questions that I did not know what to do when my mother passed, such as, did she want to have a rosary? We did one anyway. And we had a private viewing with just us family members. They closed everything before they let in other people.
Kathy, it is so sad when someone trys to take over the situation. Perhaps this Sister in NYC feels guilty about not being by your Dad’s side and this is her way of hiding her guilt. Bottom line….Dad’s wishes should be obeyed. I would tell her everything will be in NJ and she must do what she must do. Secondly I sure wish you could get Hospice in there as they would make him so much more comfortable. Shuffling is a sign of what is to come. Oxygen not only helps the breathing it helps relax the patient. I feel bad that at this time when it is getting harder to take care of your Dad you have to have other situations as well. Kathy, stay strong and do what Dad wants.
Pam,
Thank you for your kind words.
I cant believe that she is putiing us thru this at a time like this but as I said its usually her way or no way.
KathyDear Kathy,
I don’t know anything about hospice so I don’t want to comment on that. I would like to comment on your Dad’s last wishes. They are just that. His last wishes and he is entitled to them. I would respect them and have his funeral in New Jersey. Your sister would only be hurting herself and probably never forgive herself if she didn’t attend. I hope you can all sit down and discuss this rationally. As an outsider looking in, it seems so crystal clear to me that you and your other sister are wanting to do the right thing by honoring your Father’s wish. Bless you all.-Pam
I have been reading everyone’s posts on Pallative care and I am so confused.
We had hospice come to the house last week and they thought that Dad needed them, especially oxygen, but because he opted to try a Chemo cocktail that the Dr felt might helpt to stop the cancerous fluid in his abdomen area from building up so fast so they said they couldnt do anything yet but they did not mention Pallative care.
Dad is getting weaker every day, he sleeps a lot, he isnt eating, his has diarhea a lot and his breathing is getting worse. He also has started shuffling his feet instead of his regular walk.
He also has started taking the Percocet that he was given which he said he wasnt going to take so this only proves that he has a lot more pain than he’s letting on because he said last week he didnt need it. Today my sister said he told her he was taking 2 Percocets and laying down.
My daughter and granddaughter went to see him today and she said that he looked worse than when she saw him Thursday. She is not an alarmist and I am worried about what he will be like when I go tomorrow morning. I will be staying the nite as my sister is taking my neice to see a show in NYC. I am looking forward to having some time alone with him as we havent had that yet because someone else is always there.
We are also having a problem with Dad’s last wishes. He has told us that he wants his service here in NJ (he has lived in NJ with my sister since Mom died over 4 1/2 years ago) but my other sister wants Dad to be taken to NYC and have his service the same place we had my Mom’s. Myself and my other sister want to do what Dad wants and we are fine with it but this sister says she will not attend his funeral if we dont do what she wants. She is in a position at work where she has a lot of power and she thinks whatever she says has to be done even with family. I Love her with all my heart but she is breaking mine with her stubborness.
Help me!
Kathy
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