Possibly Last Update

Dear Lisa Ann,

I am sorry to hear what your dad is going through right now. Reading your post brought back many memories for me as I went through this stage with my dad as well. I am very glad to hear that your dad is not in any pain right now, and like Lainy has said to you, this is possible here.

I know that this is a tough time for you all right now, but cherish these moments and know that my thoughts are with you as you go through this.

Hugs,

Gavin

Lisa Ann,

I just want you to know that my prayers are with you and your family at this time. I lost my father in January, and I know how you must feel. Hold his hand and tell him everything you want him to know. He will hear you. My father was completely coherent until only a few minutes before we lost him.

Praying God will give you and your family a peace and comfort during this difficult time.

Dearest LisaAnn, I am so sorry about your Dad but it is such a blessing that he is peaceful and yes, it is possible to be pain free. He seems to be preparing for his final journey and he is letting his family know he is more than ready and he is at peace with everything. This is a true blessing. Please remember that the hearing is the very last to go, so everyone should talk to to him, tell him you love him and tell him it is ok to go to his Peace. Sometimes our loved ones are looking for that ‘permission’. It also, in a way, releases you by giving this permission to accept what is happening. Do not be afraid, your love and strength will get you through and with Teddy we experienced an awesome exit. My love and prayers go out to your family .

LisaAnn, I had to kind of chuckle when Pam wrote that as I had almost forgotten about it. I LOVE Mama MIA all the Abba Music, so I would get in the car, put on the Disc and sing so loud that my throat hurt. Drive around and when I felt better usually just about 15 minutes I would go back home no one else the wiser. I say, what ever works. You see, Teddy couldn’t take anyone breaking down around him as he had steeled his mind so. I figured that was his only request so it should be honored. At times it was very hard but we did it. One time that stands out…Teddy’s Sister is our little Sicilian Drama Queen. You know, the one you would hire to cry at events? She came to see him from out of town before his Whipple and I warned her over and over…no crying. She walked in and saw her beloved brother yellow and very sick. I shot her a look…she kissed him and grabbed her cell phone and said, “I have to go outside and answer a call!”. It really was kind of funny as the phone of couse had not rung. We are here for you, vent all you need to and be strong.

LisaAnn,

Everything you are feeling is normal. Of course you’re angry….this is your Dad! When my Mom was dying I was furious! At one point I was mad at everyone….especially God! I had a real crisis of faith but found God was big enough to handle my feelings and was never away from me.

I know how hard it is to be far away. I live 3 hours away from my parents. I am living proof that my car knew the way to Greensboro from New Bern, NC and could drive it by itself! I put over 65,000 miles on my car during the
the year my Mom was diagnosed with CC.

Dealing with CC is a passage and a journey. You are dealing with so many losses right now. The impending loss of your Dad, the loss of a life that feels normal, the loss of being in charge of what you do and when you do it, the loss of being the “child” and not having to be in charge of your parents!! OF COURSE YOU’RE ANGRY AND TIRED!!!!! Of course you’re questioning every idea you’ve ever had!

You are also feeling the hardest part of this journey which is the anticipatory grief. I really thought it would prepare me for my Mom’s death but it didn’t.

I believe grieving in all of its forms is the hardest job we ever tackle. Please remember there are no timetables and no correct way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently.

Try and take care of yourself. The caregiver must come first so you can take care of everyone else. Give yourself permission to grieve, and to be tired and scared.

We are always here for you. Someone is ALWAYS UP LATE AT NIGHT HERE!!!
I’m sending hugs, and prayers for strength, acceptance and understanding.

Lainy and I are big proponents of screaming in the car with the windows all rolled up…..*grin*. I thank God I never saw anyone I knew when practicing this but it does help! Try to get some rest and know you are doing all you can do. You are a remarkable legacy that your Dad will leave behind. I promise you will find that strength deep inside of you when you truly need it.

My heart is breaking for you. Losing a parent is so hard and Daddys and daughters have such a special relationship.

Hugs and prayers….
Pam

LisaAnn….everything you have mentioned is so true. Anger, we know, covers up or substitutes our feelings of fear, guilt, longing, frustration and hopelessness. It also helps us block out the circumstances, but remember it is temporary and allows a much much-needed sense of control. Although, our feelings don’t occur in chonological order, I would like to mention the five stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross:
1.Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
2.Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
3.Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, “I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time…” People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example “Can we still be friends?..” when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it’s a matter of life or death.
4.Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon so what’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the ‘aftermath’. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation.
5.Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person’s situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

LisAnn…allow yourself to be who you are – we have don’t have training in the matter rather, we learn by personal experience.
Hugs are heading your way,
Marion

Hi there,
try not to worry about those who dont step up when needed,its just life really,happily some do and we apreciate and give back of course but you cant waste emotions on that… time frames are difficult,we know it is close but do not know exactly when but it is good to spend as much time as you can because that is the important thing at these times whether you can be there at the end or not Janet

LisaAnn…This development must be too much for your Mom’s psyche to absorb. She will need time to adjust. While nothing makes this situation easy, open communication will at least make it less difficult. This is a time of raw emotions for all of you. You might want to include in your discussion a trusted physician, a counselor, clergyman, or social worker. Slowly your Mom will understand that she cannot change the course of the illness, but it is in her power to lessen your Dad’s burden. You, as families do not need to stop living rather, your relationship with your Dad continues on as was; you are however preparing to keep him comfortable for the time to come. For those not able to bear the financial burden of in home care, hospice is a good choice. It allows for families to spend valuable time with their loved one, administering medication under the supervision of hospice personnel and realizing a sense of protection and guidance of their staff. You can be as active as desired in the healthcare of your Dad. This also is the time (if you have not done already) to have in place an Advanced Healthcare Directive or Living Will and be prepared to compromise with family members whenever necessary.
Know that you will experience intense moments of grief at times and know that it is normal. Loss is painful and anticipatory grief is not less so. The Serenity Prayer in the twelve step program states: learn to accept what you cannot change. Have the courage necessary to change what you can. And try to develop the wisdom to know the difference.
Reach out, dear LisaAnn, find the support you need and realize the strengths not thought possible; deep, inside of you.
I would also like to mention our Dr. Giles. He is her for us all including you. You may find some comfort by reading some of his previous responses or, you may want to reach out to him personally.
My heart is with you.
Hugs,
Marion