Sensitive: End stage
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Dear Andie, You and your Mom are beautiful and strong and I would certainly want you by my side! I agree the one Nurse didn’t have to be that brutal. Your dad is not stupid and he knows darn well what is happening and I think the whole team that arrived had a calming effect on him and everything will hopefully be smooth now. Robin and I found the talking to people from beyond was quite somthing else no words for it. Teddy would reach out his arms, encircle them as if hugging someone and even went so far as to purse his lips in to a kiss. He always was a master greeter! The only name he called out was when he said, “Oh Mama” in such a way that you knew it had to be her. I am so happy that dad is in no pain. What a godsend. Prayers and hugs coming your way from so many people around the world!
Andie – My son’s biggest fear was being able to maintain his dignity when the end was near. Thankfully, he did. He was not able to urinate in the last days so “bathroom issues” never became a problem. Perhaps the same will happen with your Dad……I wish you all peace and strength. – Nancy
Andie,
You are doing everything as it’s supposed to be. Your overriding concerns are what’s best for your Dad and Mom. Your head is on “straight” and you are a wonderful caring daughter.
These next days will be difficult but you can face them knowing you are and have done everything possible to help your Dad on his journey.
I believe the fact that he is comfortable and drifting in and out of sleep is an answer to all the prayers I know are surrounding you and your family. I pray his passage will be an easy one.
I know from reading your posts your Dad will be leaving a remarkable legacy. He has truly done his job well ….you are a testiment to that.
Please treasure every moment of the coming days. I’m sending prayers, hugs and love.
We are with you.
Pam
Dearest Andie….is there a sensitivity button one can push? This is such a delicate situation and the least one would expect is for someone to upset your Dad and your family. By tending to your Dad’s hygiene you are eliminating some close physical contact with strangers something so very important to him. You are making all the right decisions, Andie. This time simultaneously is precious and bittersweet. May peace surround you and your family.
A tidal wave of love is coming your way.
Hugs
MarionWell we called the Macmillan team in yesterday and I must admit it overwhelmed us, it was literally like a SWAT team arriving. Within the hour we had Macmillan nurses, carers, district nurses and then equipment arriving. This really upset Dad and I must admit I didn’t like the Macmillan Nurse when she spoke to Dad. She told him he was a dying man with very limited time, 2 to 3 days at most so his wife needed help! Well that only put Moms back up. We have declined carers, if Dad as only days and he doesn’t want strangers washing him then Mom and I will do it. He calmed down once we promised him this and has been calm since. We have accepted the urinal and the District nurses have the syringe driver and drugs ready but don’t feel they are necessary at the moment. They will check him twice a day and then every 6 hours once they are giving him drugs. They are angels and have been so lovely with him. He is still saying thank you to them! He is still in no pain at all. He keeps drifting in and out of sleep. When awake the room is so so cold, it also hits you halfway up the stairs, he goes between telling us he loves us to saying not ready yet. Mom said he was talking all night to passed family. I am just on my way up there now once I have taken my son to school.
Please pray he continues to be pain free and can pass peacefully at home. I believe all your prayers and support are travelling to us and helping.
Best wishes to all my cc family
Andrea x
Andie, there are some anti-anxiety drugs being given to older people that actually cause agitation, Ativan being one of them. It may be one of the drugs your dad is receiving. I feel so badly for you knowing how difficult it is to watch a formerly loving father change so drastically. Pain all by itself and so many medications can do this to a person. My prayers are with you and your mother as you try to give the best care you can. Charlotte
Andie
I agree with everyone, you should make the call, my dad became so weak at the end, he could not even speak coherently, it really helped to have hospice advising us and reassuring us as the end drew near.
My dad also hated the incapacity of his end stage disease – I am thinking of you constantly, Andie, I wish I could offer you more support, but know that you are in my prayers, i Pray for a peaceful passing for your Dad.
Lots of love
Mich
Dear Andie – I am so sorry that you are going through this. We also experienced this and my “stubborn” beloved last act was to fight me on wanting to go to the restroom and not even try a bedside commode, let alone a urinal. I almost laughed but it was to sad. He kept telling me to get out of the way and I wasn’t in the way. I knew it wasn’t him and yet I appreciated that he maintained that personal sense of strength until the very end. I never thought he would allow a nurse to bathe him, but he did. I thought he would be furious with me, but it happened one time and he did very well. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Remember, he is not himself and the meds and changes in his body influence all that he says and does. I wish I had some wonderful words for you, but all I can say is my heart is with you. Blessings, Susan
Dear Andrea
I can only agree with everyone else’s comments, and with Lainy’s comment re medication to calm him down. I think when someone is as ill as your Dad is, then the brain fires off all sorts of signals that lead to the sort of behaviour that you just don’t recognise as being them.
This is all just so hard …
Love and prayers coming your way.
Helen xx
Andie,
I am so sorry that you are going through this and I can so relate to what it is like for you right now. I wish there was something that I could say that would help. But I do agree with what the others have said about getting in some outside help as this will be of help not just for your dad but for you and your mum as well.
Thinking of you right now and hoping for peace.
Hugs,
Gavin
Andie, I would either call the Nurse and ask advise or have her stop and she can tell your dad she was worried about him and was nearby so stopped in.
I know when Teddy couldn’t get up that last day at home I could not even get him to the portable commode. The Nurse had a talk with him and I took him to the Hospice Facility. The Home Nurses had given me some pads to put under him in case of accidents and also some diapers, which fortunately I didn’t have to use. Teddy listened to me and I was grateful for that. I know this is not your dad, not him at all but isn’t there a medication they can order to calm him down even if it is from the meds? The Hospice Nurse explained to Teddy that even a small fall would be very bad and add to his pain. I am just so sorry that you are all experiencing this. Andie, could some of this be fright of what is to come? If you think so, perhaps a clergy could come talk to him. Everyone, you know is different, just trying to come up with suggestions. You are the one who really knows best.Andie, my heart breaks for your dad, mom, and you. I was where you are at in November. The risk of your dad falling is a huge concern. My dad became so weak he would spill things too. He had bathroom issues too. He used a urinal in the bedroom, but became so weak we had to stand him up. We gave him as much dignity as we could. My dad became angry several times in the end too. It would be something easy like his radio wouldn’t work right. He also didn’t want extra help in the house. We called the social worker to have a chat with him. He knew he was losing what little he had left. He said at one point he was afraid helpers would say he wasn’t trustworthy. He would
apologize when he got mad. We just loved and hugged him. Does your dad take medication for anixety? It sounds like you do a good job calming him
down,but your mom and you need help. I am thinking of you in these upcoming days. God will give you the strength for a peaceful ending.Andie….as mentioned by me earlier my husband also did not want to be tended to by anyone but myself. However, this is the time for outside help to be present, as things will progress and the ensuing situation is well beyond the reach of ordinary care you are able to provide. As Pam has mentioned please, make that call. Your Dad’s comfort is at stake.
All my love,
MarionI’m so sorry Andrea… I wish there was someway I could help you through this, something I could say to make it easier. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to see him this way, but you are right… this is NOT your Dad. I would have to agree with Pam – make the call, even if it’s just for some advice.
Know that there are people across the world praying for you and keeping you close in their hearts… I pray for peace for you all.
Jen
Andie,
You’ve already said it…..this is the medication and the disease talking…NOT YOUR DAD!
I would hazard a guess that his ammonia levels may be high and this can affect mental changes.
My advice to you would be…go ahead and make the call without your Dad knowing and get their feedback on the situation. They will have advice on how best to handle things. If your Dad falls and breaks a hip he will be in worse shape. Do this for you and your Mom’s sake. If your Dad was in his right mind it wouldn’t even be a consideration for him…he would tell you to do what’s best for you and your Mom.
This is the part of the disease I hate the most….when it steals the personality and demeanor of those we love best.
I’m sending prayers for strength and hugs and love….
Pam
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