Too weak to continue chemo
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Dear Annie,
I am so very sorry indeed to hear of the passing of your dear Dad. Please accept my sincere condolences. I know that you did everything that you possibly could for your dad and having been through this with my Dad and also losing him to this cancer as well I so know how you feel. But please do not beat yourself up about decisions made in the past etc as I know that your Dad would not want you to do that to yourself, and it also will not change things.
Right now you feel pain and again I went through that as well, we all do but in time you will be able to look back and smile at the so fond memories that you will have of your dad. It will take time but trust me, you will get there.
Please know that we are all here for you Annie and my thoughts right now are with you and your family.
Hugs,
Gavin
Annie, I am so sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. Looking back and second guessing decisions isn’t helpful or healthy. Nothing can change the past. For now, you must grieve, but eventually, you will be lifted up and be ready to live life again. This whole, awful experience will dim and when you think of your dad, it will be of good times and happy memories. Give it time and allow yourself this time to heal emotionally. You will ALWAYS miss your dad…..I know I do. Things will get better. Prayers for you and your family.
Julie T.
Dear Annie,
I am so sorry to hear this. You and your family have my deepest sympathy. You all did the best that you could for your dad under the most difficult of circumstances. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you at this sad and trying time. Hoping for peace and strength for you all.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear Annie,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. I wish I could take the pain away……I pray for peace, comfort and strength for you and your family.
MelindaAnnie, you did nothing wrong. Who would not even think that a Cancer patient belonged anywhere but in a Cancer Center. You cannot change anything and perhaps would not have done differently. The important thing is your Dad would not want his journey to rule your lives. In time you will heal over the past and become happy again just as your Dad would like you to be.
Dear Lainy,
Thanks for writing and your advice. We did not go Hospice route for the end-of-life, but opted to stay in-patient at local cancer center to treat any complications that developed (for example, lots of ascites draining after the first paracentesis, NG tube to drain copious amounts of bile due to paralytic ileus that arose, etc.). Dad also had a very painful decub ulcer on his butt by then. Even every 2-3 hour repositioning/boosting of his body in bed by nursing staff, was very painful for him. Taking him home for home care would not have been feasible. Social work/discharge planning from Day 1 of in-patient, brought up choices of nursing home, hospice, or home care, but my family and I thought it best to keep treating symptoms at the cancer center. My Dad respected life and wanted to live and I know he wanted to treat what could be treated. We could not bring ourselves to sign DNR until last two days of his life; so heartbreaking and stressful.
I can only hope all the decisions we made as HC proxys for Dad, did not cause him anymore suffering, distress; this makes me feel distraught.
Annie
Annie, I am so sorry to read about your beloved Dad. I went through a similar situation with my husband, Teddy…soon to be 5 years ago. It sounds like your Dad already had advanced CC when his was discovered. I had prepared myself and my daughter for the chest rattle as I had always heard about it but never experienced it. Yes it is a loud disturbing noise but know that it is not painful. It is merely the heart shutting down. Also when a patient begins their passage and the body is shutting down, organs and such, they do not feel pain anymore. They may have some agitation in the beginning of the passage but no pain. I think you can get help on everything that happened by asking the Manager of your particular Hospice for a meeting and have a list of questions you would like answered. I am not sure about the Morphine being done at the end. They took Teddy’s away and I didn’t know it, 3 days before the end. On that subject I will send you an email.
PLEASE do not stress about what might have been, Dad would not want that.It is hard to sing of oneness when our world is not complete, when those who once brought wholeness to our life have gone. Nothing but memory can fill the emptiness their passing leaves behind.
But memory can tell us only what we were, in company with those we loved.
It cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no one is really alone; those who live no more, echo still within our thoughts and words. What they did is part of what we have become.
We pay homage to our departed when we live our lives most fully, even in the shadow of our loss.Hi all…
Dad passed away mid-month, in-patient in the cancer center. He had an NG tube due to paralytic ileus since beginning of the month, as well as ascites drain. Three days before death, we allowed PIC. line for TPN, as he had not been eating for a while. I was with him day and night, for the last four days of his life there. Three days before passing, he breathily told me he could not breathe (last words I ever heard him utter). CT scan showed bilateral lung clots. We allowed treatment with heparin, and if GI bleeding were to occur, blood products (we signed DNR). His breathing started to change two days later. We were not prepared or warned of the multi-hour, fast-paced breathing rattle of the last day. Horrified, I cried much of the day, as it was devastating to witness. One nurse asked why I was crying…..(really?….too long on the job, maybe?). Dad was receiving methadone and hydromorphone prn. Only three hours before death, did they give scopolamine patch and lorazepam. With hindsight, I wonder why not morphine, as I hear that is given frequently at the end. I am tormented that my Dad may have suffered conscious pain and suffering, especially since the detection of lung blood clots, and could not longer express. I wish they had offered to transfer to ICU (with more nursing attention), but not sure if due to signing DNR, that option was out. I also worry that maybe Hospice would have created a more peaceful death, but we refused thinking, cancer center could prolong life more with symptomatic management (e.g., CT scanning when blood clot(s) suspected).
I am not coping well at all, with how my father’s CC was discovered advanced, subsequently his health went down so fast (discovery of CC in late July). I also feel that primary care missed opportunities to monitor this man’s organs, as he attended geriatric/internal med office visits every three months.
Heartbroken and tormented…
AnnieAnnie…..so sorry you have to deal with this at this point.
You bring up a good point in that all of us, healthy or not, should have on hand.1. A will to denote how we want to dispose of our assets.
2. A Durable Power of Attorney who will carry out our wishes.
3. A Living Will/Advanced Directives/Health Care Power of Attorney-a document stating our wishes medically and the designation of someone to carry them out.
This site allows you to download and is specific to the State you live in:
http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3285I hope this helped.
Hugs,
MarionANNIE, everyone should have a DNR. It gives you a choice of what the patient would want. If Dad went in to a coma at 80 would you want him kept alive? The DNR would give notice that a decision was made not to resuscitate. I am 75 and if anything happened to me like that or I would never be able to enjoy any kind of life again, my 2 kids KNOW what I want. It takes a great stress off of the family. I think it is the thought of it that makes you feel weird but it is a very good thing. You know your Dad and the condition he is in, do you believe he would want to keep going if he was in a life saving situation where he was not going to be able to enjoy life anymore. I LOOK AT IT AS AN ACT OF KINDNESS.
We handled this with humor just as we do everything. I told my daughter if I ever was DX with Alzheimer’s I will end it before it gets too severe. I do not wish to be a shell of a person. So Robin says, “Mom how will you remember to do that?” I said I would write a note. She says, “How will you remember where you put it” and we totally cracked up. I do not look at death as a bad thing because I believe in the here after and I know my Teddy is with me at all times.
Best of luck in making your decision along with Dad, I know it is not that easy for a lot of people.Thank you for your advice and reply. I wondering….as Dad is inpatient at cancer center, did Teddy have a DNR in place? We are having family difficulty with this decision.
Dear Annie, Given Dad’s age and the way he has declined I would say the best bet is Home Comfort Care. For nutrition you might try Carnation Instant Breakfast which was suggested when my husband was in Home Hospice. It was his favorite in vanilla and I would blend in a banana. He can drink this in place of any meal or with a meal. Teddy drank it for breakfast. The best thing to do for meals is not to put a huge place full in front of Dad. Small portions as when they see a big plate full it totally turns them off. You might try comfort foods like egg, homemade soup, Mac N Cheese, Pasta. You get the idea I am sure. Comfort is the key word. If Dad starts getting pain you would tell the Nurse right away as if the pain is ignored it can only get worse and harder to control. I ordered a hospital bed that they set up in the living room. It was bright and airy and with the big TV and visitors were comfortable too and it gave room for the Nurses to work around. Since Dad is having trouble walking you may also want to order a Commode. At least with Home Hospice we have a few real quality months and they saw to it that Teddy stayed comfortable. Best of luck with this and if you have any questions ask away.
P.S. Teddy opted to not have Palliative Chemo as he wanted to have quality time. He was 78 at that time.
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