cherbourg
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Good morning Hans and Kris!
Just wanted to the two of you to know I’m thinking about you and praying for Kris to get to feeling better.
Hugs to you both from the East Coast of NORTH Carolina! ….lol
Hugs,
PamJulia,
You are not alone in these feelings. Part of what you are experiencing is “anticipatory grief”. This is when you are projecting into the future and if you’re like me you tend to see it through pessimistic eyes. It’s so hard to try and not look so far down the road ahead. I dealt with this by invoking the 5 minute rule on myself. You do 5 minutes then you do the next 5 minutes.
You also pointed out the one thing that was so very hard for me during my Mom’s illness…..the LOSS OF CONTROL! I’m in the medical field, I diagnosed my Mom’s cancer and I experienced the same feelings you are having. I am very detailed and operate best when I have all the possibilities thought out and then acted upon in a logical fashion. The feeling of being so out of control just about did me in!
Cancer is so insidious. It takes control of almost every aspect of our lives. It makes us live with fear, clouds our futures and strangles our hopes and dreams. Everything you are feeling is normal (whatever that is!). Some of this is your body’s way of protecting you. You aren’t being selfish. Think of it as being proactive. Remember the first rule of caregiving is ….YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THE CAREGIVER FIRST!.
Your sister is so lucky to have you beside her in this fight. You are a remarkable woman and you WILL find a strength deep inside of you that you never knew existed. This is a crazy journey we are all taking together. Some of us are at different stages but we are all traveling the same direction. We are all here for you. Come often, feel free to vent, share and know you aren’t alone.
Hugs to you and your family!
Pam
Leo,
I understand the questioning you’re experiencing. I’m in the medical field and looking back my Mom had years of itching. She saw dermatologists and her doctor numerous times. Looking back I wish I’d been more proactive about more testing being done.
My Mom was 76 when diagnosed. She was on several chemo drugs (oxiliplatin, gemcitibine, xeloda and nexavar) The ONLY side effect she had was cold neuropathy and only for a few days after each treatment. She was massively annoyed since it prevented her from enjoying her nightly ice cream fix.
She was treated at Duke Medical Center and they were VERY proactive in preventing side effects. She did have zofran and compazine for nausea but because of these drugs did not experience any.
I hope you have a similar experience! Please know I’m holding you and your family in my heart and prayers.
Hugs to all!
Pam
Merilee,
I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know you are not alone on this journey.
Hugs,
PamHappy Easter to you and Marc!
I hope things continue to be on track! Have a Blessed Easter…
Hugs to you both!
PamKris,
What a wonderful gift to hear from you on Easter! Please know I continue to pray for you and Hans and your family. I’m so glad your sister is there!
I hope the pain management progresses SOON!!! As to the gas, I’m sending Hans a “cyber clothespin” for his nose!
Hugs and tons of love!
Pam
Leo,
I was only a few minutes into reading your posts and already know that you are a remarkable man, husband and father.
I was a caregiver and not a patient but I can tell you everything you are experiencing is normal. The twists and turns of CC take time to process. Be kind to yourself.
We are all here for you and your family. Feel free to question, to vent, and rage. I also want to mention the search function at the top of the page. You can search in any number of ways.
I am sending warm wishes, many prayers and much love and hugs,
Pam
I agree with Margaret,
My Mom had written her obituary as I found one evening when she directed my Dad to go and get an envelope from her dresser. This was towards the end of her fight against CC and at that time she was having some cognitive issues. Daddy went to get the envelope not really expecting to find one. Guess again!
Daddy and I were amazed to see she had written her obituary and the outline of her funeral service apparently right after her diagnosis. She then informed us that Daddy would sing “Some glorious daybreak” at her funeral, I would give her eulogy and some of her grandchildren would also speak. Her pallbearers would be her three grandsons, and her nephews. She had even specified we were NOT to have carnations in her flowers since they always reminded her of funerals. She had decided what hymns were to be sung and which of their ministers would speak.
Needless to say I almost threw up at that point. However I am proud to say that Daddy did indeed sing, I gave her eulogy and my sister’s oldest son and my oldest son stood up and spoke about their grandmother.
It was beautiful and very special and took a load off of my Daddy, my sister and me during a time when we were grieving.
It will be a year April 3rd. and as on that day I will be smiling through my tears.
Hugs,
PamAlie,
So glad to hear your Mom is in a great facility. I know that must give you a great deal of comfort and peace. Treasure these moments with your Mom. You are a wonderful, caring daughter and I know your Mom is thankful you are with her!
Hugs, love and prayers,
Pam
kathyb,
I hope your very future obit will say you lived to a record age! If that doesn’t happen then I think your idea is a wonderful and caring one!
Hugs!
PamRick,
I lost my Mom April 3, 2009. She lived almost exactly one year from diagnosis. Mom was Stage IV with mets to the lungs when diagnosed. She too developed the acites about a month before she died. When she was admitted to the hospital to try and drain it, we discovered it was loculated (in small pockets) and it was not able to be drained. The tumor had spread to the abdominal cavity. I also believe she had some brain mets as well.
You can search my screen name (Cherbourg) and read my posts. I posted on here the night she was dying.
That said, I share what hopeandgrace says above. I would give anything to have something with Mom’s thoughts or her voice talking to me. I discovered by accident that her answering machine at work had her voice mail on it for the longest time after she died. I was hitting speed dial on my cell phone one night to tell Daddy I was almost back to New Bern. It’s a miracle I didn’t wreck my car when I heard my Mom answer the phone! I’d mistakenly hit her office number instead of their home! I can’t tell you the times I called it in the middle of the night just to hear her voice. I had a friend try to get the message taped but it’s hard to hear and now it has been removed.
By the time we were finished with actively fighting the tumor and released into the care of hospice I was so drained and scared and tired that I feel I may have missed chances to really talk with Mom.
I treasure the notes she wrote in her bible. I also have the emails from her computer that she wrote to friends and office staff about her illness.
I guess what I’m saying is write, hug, make memories and leave your family with letters, a video – anything will do. Believe me, it will help with their grieving process.
You are an amazing man, husband and father. Listen to your gut, you can’t help but do the right thing.
Hugs, love and many prayers are coming your way,
Pam
PS….Just reading your posts on this site will be a wonderful legacy.
Alie,
My heart goes out to you! I’ve walked this same road with my Mom. You might want to explore and see if Canada’s Hospice and Palliative Care might be of help to you and your Mom. Here is the link: http://www.chpca.net/
Hospice was of great value to us during my Mom’s fight with CC. You and your family are in my heart and prayers. I know how hard this time is. Your Mom is so fortunate to have you with her on this journey. Please keep in touch as you can.
Hugs and much, much love,
PamDear Tina,
I echo what Janet (Magic) has said regarding the medications.
I also want to tell you the number one rule for caregivers is: YOU HAVE TO FIRST TAKE CARE OF THE CAREGIVER!!!
I’ll be praying that you find a good support system for you, your family and your husband.
Take care and please keep in touch with us. We are all here for you!
Hugs,Pam
Scraggles,
Your Mom has raised an amazing child! I know she is proud of you and you must be such a comfort to her! This is such a hard time for everyone. I am sending hugs, warm wishes and prayers to you, your Mom and your family today. I hope you get some answers and a plan to ensure your Mom is as comfortable as possible.
This is a hard road to travel.
Hugs,
PamDearest Debby,
This may be a good question for Dr. Giles. (See him at the top of the page).
You’ve summed it up perfectly….of course you’re still in shock. You’ve been a mom, a caregiver, a lover, a spouse, and your beloved is no longer with you. You’ve watched your husband deal with pain and sickness. You’ve taken care of your children, the household and managed to keep everything and everyone together. You’re tired, griefstricken and heartbroken. Why wouldn’t you be in “flight” mode?
I’ve found after losing my Mom in April 2009 that grief is intensely personal and the hardest task you will ever have. I don’t believe anyone is prepared for the work involved in making your way through the grieving process. I was not prepared for the overwhelming physical toil it takes on you. Not to mention the mental, emotional and spiritual stress. I was convinced I might be losing my mind or having a breakdown at one point. I had trouble remembering things and could have a breakdown at the drop of a hat!
I’ve had people I thought were my 100% friends I could count on, telling me to “just get over it”. That it was sad but all the crying in the world wouldn’t bring my Mom back. I’ve had people tell me to “stay off that depressing website”. Some of it is ignorance and some of it is just people who’ve never had to experience what we’ve gone through.
All I can tell you is that grief has no timetable and that it’s different for every person. It ebbs and flows and you really just have to experience it and work through it.
We are all here for you. Please come often and feel free to vent, to mourn and to heal.
Oh and the thank you notes? Just put them on the “I’ll get around to it’ pile. Or if someone wants to help….let them send an acknowledgement card to people. Trust me they WILL UNDERSTAND.
You are so smart to get some help. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through this.
Hugs,
Pam
