cyndi

Since my husband died, I keep having this memory:

When I was young, my single parent mom hired a sitter to watch me during the day while she worked. Her name was Mrs. Bagwell. A sweet but sad little old lady who lived alone with her weiner dog that she loved. I once asked about her family & she told me she was widowed & her 21 yr old son had taken his life by running a hose from the car exhaust. How sad! I liked Mrs Bagwell very much but her house was so quiet & dark. She kept it that way because her little dog had a heart condition. He chased a ball under the bed one day & grabbed an electrical socket.
Still, I was bored when I was there & I selfishly begged Mrs Bagwell to let me have a friend over one afternoon. She reluctantly agreed but made me promise to be quiet & not startle her dog. I agreed. I invited my friend over & we were sitting at the dining table talking quietly. I did not realize it but the dog was laying under the table. My friend started swinging her legs under the table innocently while she spoke not thinking. Well it frightened the dog & he went into cardiac arrest. We rushed him to the vet but he died in Mrs Bagwell’s arms. I felt so guilty & sad knowing I’d taken away the only thing this woman had to love & cuddle. Some years later I was walking down the street & an old lady was walking the other direction with her head down. I realized after I passed her who it was. It was Mrs. Bagwell. I stopped & turned around to say hello but stopped myself. I figured she’d remember me as the one who took her little dog away & I’d never forgiven myself for that.

I think the reason this memory keeps coming to mind is to remind me how loss felt to me as an ‘outsider’ -Someone who knew someone who lost someone very close to them.
I was shocked into silence when it happened. I did not know how to express my sorrow to this poor woman. Seeing the sadness on Mrs. Bagwell’s face, it just seemed like no words could ever suffice to ease her pain or lessen her loss. I felt like removing myself from the equasion somehow, fading away & becoming invisable.

So now, fast forward 40 years & here I am a widow living alone with my pets like Mrs. Bagwell, angry at the people who left me to grieve all alone.
People who were most likely shocked into silence, who don’t know how to express their sorrow, ease my pain or lessen my loss, people who found it easier to remove themselves from the equasion, fade away & become invisable.

I kept the silence when Mrs’ Bagwell’s dog died but 40 years later I can still feel the sorrow & sadness. I just didn’t know how to express it… until now that I am in her shoes..

& I know now that I need to let go of the anger.

Love & prayers for strength,
Cyndi

Hi friends! I hope you are well.

Havent been around for awhile because the roller coaster jumped the tracks & took me on a long self-absorbed journey of pain. When I get that low I just don’t want to talk to anyone. I hope I don’t go back there again anytime soon! Anyway..
I wanted to share an experience I had recently & ask your input on it:

I was pruning a tree, fell off the ladder & I broke my foot (bravo idiot!).
Next day I drove myself to the minor injury & they took xrays, gave me crutches, prescribed pain meds & made an appt for me later to be casted.
After the appt at the clinic, I drove to the pharmacy & got my script filled, then went home to rest.
I took a Vicodin & was laying on the couch with my foot elevated & iced watching TV. I wasn’t thinking about anything except how great it felt to finally be off my foot & out of pain. I felt relaxed & at peace. I started getting drowsy so I switched off the TV & began to nod off. Then I could hear an unfamiliar male voice talking low. I didn’t pay any attention to what it was saying & just assumed it was leftover chatter from the TV rattling around in my head or that perhaps I was dreaming it. In any event, it didn’t sound familiar at all. More like a newscaster mumbling away. I knew that if I strained hard I could probably make out the words but since I didn’t think it was anything important I just ignored it & mumbled on & on.. until the end when it suddenly got louder & clearer & sounded like it was right next to my ear & it said “I love you, hon”.
It really supprised me & I opened my eyes expecting to see someone there but the room was empty (I live alone)
Who would say such a thing aside from my husband? yet it wasn’t his voice.
I sprang up & said “I love you too!” Then I kicked myself with my good foot for missing out on the whole conversation.

Has anything like this ever happened to you? Was I imagining this or is my husband trying to speak to me from the spirit world?
There was so much left unsaid as his death was so unexpected (he never woke up after surgery) so no sense of closure for either of us. I still miss him like crazy..

Hugs, Cyndi

Dear Janet,

Just want to say how sorry I am that you lost your Joel to CC 1 year ago. It has been 5 months for me since Larry died & still seems like yesterday. The reminders are always there, everywhere. Hard to ignore. I feel my life has been changed forever. Others tell me how good I’m doing. Actually, I’ve just learned how to act normal & blend in with the crowd but the pain of losing him is always with me. So sorry you are re-living the nightmare of losing Joel but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I hope that in remembering, you also reflect on all the things you did for Joel during his illness & how much you supported & helped him in all the ways you possibly could. I think Joel was very fortunate to have such a loving wife who cared so deeply for him, stood by & encouraged him as you did.

I think our painful memories are a testiment to just how deeply we love our husbands then & now.

Cyndi

Stan,
My deepest condolences to you & your family for the loss of your beloved father. Words cannot express the sadness of losing someone so dear & important in our lives. I lost my husband to this cancer recently as well & it is extremely difficult to come to terms with. Please try to find solace in the fact that he is at least no longer suffering & is finally at rest.
Prayers be with you, Cyndi

Hi Charlene,

Sorry to hear of your mother-in-law’s stroke. I’m glad that she was able to reach out to you for help & that you can be there for her.
It sounds like this might be a good solution for you both, not just financially but emotionally as well as dealing with loss is always easier with someone else who understands. I hope things work out well for you both.

You may still want to check into the possibility of death benefits.
If your husband was on disability from work or if he had any pension plans with any previous employers you may be eligible for payments & I know social security pays benefits.
Check out the following link:
http://www.gofso.com/Premium/LE/19_le_lo/fg/fg-Death_Spouse.html

Or you can just go to google & type in “what to do when a spouse dies” & some websites containing lists of sources to check will come up. There’s a book called The Executor’s Guide which I have also found to be very helpful (I am handling my husband’s small estate & he died without a will so if I can help, I would be happy to..

Prayers & best wishes to you & the family.
Love, Cyndi

Hi Charlene.

Deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my husband too & life has been very difficult, as you say.

Regarding finances. Have you already collected all the death benefits you’re due from your husband’s employer, previous employers, Social Security, Veteran’s administration or any insurance policies he may have had?
Did you husband have any stocks, bonds or other investments? Was he a member of any organizations? Some pay out benefits to surviving spouses.

Here in the US we have to contact to report the death & file claim forms with all the above agencies & also provide them with birth, death, marriage, military certificates as they request. They don’t contact us, we have to contact them. Then the claim is either approved & benefits paid out, or denied (but eligible for appeal).

You’ve probably been through this whole process already, but just a thought..

Hugs, Cyndi

I’ve been reading this thread, nodding & crying a lot because I am right there too. Struggling every day desperately trying to find myself since my wonderful husband Larry passed away 4/13/09 from this dreaded disease. Every day it just gets harder to go on. I used to wake up crying, now I wake up screaming his name pleading for him to come back & rescue me. All the things you said about people just not understanding & having to put on that “I’m OK face” if you don’t want to send them running is so true. I have family 20 minutes away, but they avoid me now & I feel further hurt by this. Sometimes I feel as though I am the one who died & the loneliness & isolation becomes unbearable. I come here just to assure myself that I’m not going completely crazy. Larry always encouraged me to lean on him for support. Now that he’s gone, I keep leaning, but I just fall over because he isn’t here to catch me anymore. I feel like my life ended with his.
I’m alone now & realize I must invent a new life for myself. But inside, I just want my old life back with Larry behind me, giving me the strength that only he seemed to know how to give. I’m having a memorial service for him in a few days. I am dreading it because I feel I must say goodbye to him there & I’m not ready to do that. I can’t even finish writing his eulogy because I just break down in tears. I’m just so lost & heartbroken. I never expected things to end this way for us. So dissappointed, so exhausted & so unbearably sad living in a world I no longer recognize.
I’m sorry for venting, but only you understand the pain I’m feeling & I need to talk about it with someone who won’t turn away.
I’m sorry you are all going through this too. It hurts.
Cyndi