kevinky

First off, Jeff, I’m very sorry to hear about Marc. My wife Kristin died of complications related to CC last fall, and I’m still having a tough time, so I know the road ahead will not be easy for you. I feel for you, buddy.

It does help, though, to have oncologists who care. When Kristin’s learned that she was dying of sepsis and pneumonia rather than the cancer itself, he did not visit her at either the ICU or the hospice, nor did he attend the memorial service. No condolence message from his office. I guess since the cancer wasn’t involved, it was no longer his concern, so he just moved her file to the “inactive” drawer and moved on to his living patients. I found that remarkably callous and unfeeling.

Meanwhile, the best advice I received was from a Buddhist friend in the form of a poem by the nature-oriented poet Mary Oliver, and I’ll pass it along to you:

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. My sincere condolences. My wife, Kristin, passed away last month in a hospice. She had originally thought about hospice care at home, but in the end, she decided against it because of the effect her dying here would have had on me. I’m so glad she made that decision–it’s hard enough being alone in this house that feels so empty without having the additional knowledge that she died here.

The care she was given in the hospice was outstanding, and she died peacefully and with dignity. Her room faced west, and while she was there, there were gorgeous sunsets over the bluegrass farmland she could see from her bed, birdsong wafting in through the open windows. Friends and family surrounded her until the end, and I was even allowed to bring the dog to say her final goodbye. I could not extol the virtues of hospice care more.

My best wishes to you. We are both beginning a very rough time.