pauline
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Dear everyone,
I hope you are all ok. I am now back from Italy and have had a busy week getting back into work again. Italy was beautifully sad as usual and I thought of how wonderful things would have been if Anthony were still here. My neighbours were lovely and came to see me a lot. I arrived in a snow blizzard and got stuck on the road up to our house. My neighbours came and rescued me, which was so typically lovely of them.
Today has been a good day because I met Julia (lalupes) and we had a really good chat. It was so lovely to meet her and I hope we will meet again. What a pity it is that more of us can’t get together sometimes. It is really good to speak to people with this common experience!
Please keep in touch everyone and let me know how you are.
Thinking of you all as usual.
Take care!
Love,
PaulineDear all,
How is everyone? I hope you are all ok. It’s good to hear from you, Sue. When is your skiing trip? I hope you will really enjoy it! Be careful though!
Time seems to move on so quickly doesn’t it? I don’t know when we get used to being on our own but it is so lonely, isn’t it? I don’t think I will get used to it ever! Sometimes I think I will just go mad from spending too much time without Anthony! Part of me still expects him to be here when I get back home from work on a Friday, for example. I just can’t get my mind around the fact that this is for ever! I still sit in coffee bars and watch people and wonder why guys of a similar age, who look a bit similar to Anthony, are still fine while he is dead. It doesn’t make any sense at all.
So, anyway, I work and work and keep busy! I am off to Italy for half term next Friday for a week. I haven’t been to the house since October and so I will be glad to be there and to soak up all those memories of our lovely life over there once again.
When are some of you going to come over and join me there? You know you are all welcome any time!
Take care everyone and do keep in touch!
With love
Pauline xxDear all,
Thank you for your kind messages. I do feel better now and it is a relief to feel healthier. I don’t think I’ve done too badly health wise since Anthony died as I’ve only been ill once a year at that awful holiday season and I’m sure the whole stress of the build up to Christmas and New Year is a factor in it.
Looking back, I was very depressed throughout December and these really low periods seem to come in waves. Something lifts and then I get busy again until I start to sink once more. I guess that’s faily normal in grief, isn’t it? Winter makes things worse as well. Spring may bring some relief!
Darla, I hope you will do something for your anniversary and that you will remember the good times. You sound a bit down at the moment and I do hope you are ok! You have a good point, Janet. At these times we should try not to focus on the sadness because they are anniversaries of beautiful, happy times.
Joyce, you are so good with all your projects and always seem to be positive. How do you manage it? I wonder how you are doing, Sue? I suppose you are busy with the new business. Let us know how you are! Keep positive Janet and enjoy the good weather and the holiday season! You can’t imagine how grey London is at the moment!
Take care everyone!
With love
PaulineDear Janet,
I am very pleased to hear that you are feeling a bit stronger. It certainly is a continuous process of sinking and swimming, isn’t it? Someone said to me that it must be exhausting and I think it is, don’t you?
How are you Darla? Do you still feel a bit better to have got over the Cristmas/ new year period? I am ok but got a bit ill after new year and had 4 days in bed. Not as bad as last year. I think it’s a reaction to the holiday period.
How are you all? Are you ok Joyce and how are you Sue? Have you started your new job? How is it going? I am still working all the time!
Anyway, take care, everyone!
Love
PaulineDear Janet,
I am thinking of you on Joel’s anniversary. This has been such a difficult time for you and it must be made even harder by the fact that it is around the Christmas and New Year time, which is hard enough anyway!
You are incredibly strong but you have the right to let go a bit sometimes. Go easy on your self and stop worrying about everyone else for a few days!
Take care!
Love
PaulineYes Janet, it is very hard and I feel so sorry for you going through the memories of all those awful days again. All I can say is that I am thinking of you and understand your pain. Perhaps you will feel a certain relief after 16th when you know Joel’s suffering ended.
You have been amazing all year and still are! I hope you will get lots of support at this time. Ask for help if people aren’t forthcoming! I think I should have done, although I know it’s not easy.
Keep in touch! You are a great survivor!
Love
PaulineHi everyone,
Just to let you know I am thinking of you all. I am planning an early night tonight in the hope I can sleep through the new year bit!
Wishing you all some better days in 2010.
With love,
PaulineWell everyone, it’s over and I’m sure we all feel a little relieved at that. Looking back, I think I have been at a very low ebb all this month and things just got worse and worse until, on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, I really didn’t know what to do with myself. It was only on Boxing Day evening, when I cried all the way home in my car after seeing my family, that I realised how bad I was but, after the tears, came a slight sense of relief that it was all over.
I have found this Christmas every bit as bad as last, if not worse, as you have too, Joyce. I feel the need to really think it all through for next year rather than just try to ignore it until the last few days, as I have tended to do this year. It almost frightens me to think of going through that again.
Anyway, I think I have been sinking very badly but am now trying to keep afloat again and have been keeping busy with house work and school work as well as making an effort to keep in touch with people.
Take care everyone! It’s just the new year hurdle now! I’m sure we can manage that one!
With love,
Pauline xxHi Janet,
Those memories of last year must be so hard for you. Christmas is an incredibly difficult time and for you so raw this time. You have been so strong for your family but you do need to be able to give in to your emotions sometimes and just let yourself cry without worrying about anyone else. Sometimes you can feel a little better after a very sad and tearful phase. I hope this will be the case for you.
Take care and look after yourself, Janet, as well as the family!
With love,
PaulineDear all,
Just to say I am thinking of you all as Chritmas arrives again. I think the build up is the worst part and I have found it just as hard this year. I have been feeling very low, especially since I finished work last week. It seems to me that it’s an endurance test but, hopefully there will be a sense of relief when it is over!
It was lovely to talk to you Julia and I am really looking forward to that coffee! Posters are high on my list of priorities for the coming period and I would love to get your ideas on this. I hope your sister is going along ok with the chemo and that you will have a lovely Christmas together.
Well, Darla, Joyce, Sue, Janet, Cyndi, Theresa and everyone, here we are again facing another Christmas and I hope you will all be alright. I am trying to get some strength from some lovely memories and at the moment Anthony is bringing me a glass of wine and trying to get me to divulge what presents I have got for him! This is making me smile!
Take care all of you! I am thinking of you!
With love,
Pauline xxDear Sarah,
I feel your sadness and share your sense of despair. Life is so cruel and cc is such a terrible disease. John was so young and had so much to live for. None of it makes any sense. When my husband and soul mate, Anthony, died nearly 17 months ago, I felt completely traumatised and tormented by what had happened to him, by all the pain and suffering he endured. Everything you say makes complete sense to me and I can relate to it all. One thing that helps me slightly is to know that Anthony’s mental and physical suffering is over. He always said to me that he thought it would be worse for me because I would have to carry on on my own. With this terrible disease you endure so much together and you suffer together. Sometimes I just wish he was back with me, even with the illness, and that we were still together trying to get through it as best we could but I know that is selfish and I couldn’t bear to think of him suffering any more.
So what do we do without the love that filled and defined our lives? How do we deal with the emptiness and the loneliness that is so over powering? I can’t say I have any answers but I try to find some strength from Anthony’s love and from his brave and generous approach to people and to life. I try, therefore, to lead a life that makes a positive contribution. I am taking very small steps and think I fail miserably most of the time but I will keep trying. I still want Anthony to be proud of me!
You are so young and have endured so much pain, whilst having experienced a great love at the same time. I hope you have a lot of support around you from people who love you and that little by little you will begin to see a way forward that makes sense for you. John will always be with you in your heart as Anthony is with me. We can still get strength from their love and from all the memories we have of our lives together. It is wonderful to have experienced such love, even though it is so hard to cope without it.
I am thinking of you. Please come here and tell us how you are feeling. We really understand and want to help you in any way possible.
With love
PaulineI have been thinking of you Joyce, Darla and everyone at Thanksgiving and hope it was ok for you all. These events are so hard and it’s so difficult to believe that it’s another year without our husbands and loved ones. It was Anthony’s birthday last week and, at the weekend, I took the family, icluding grandchildren to Lille on the train from St Pancras. It is only 1 hour 20 minutes on the train and is a lovely French town. We had a really good time and Anthony would have loved it too. Of course, when we got back I felt very down and depressed again but have pulled myself back up again by working and keeping busy. I still can’t really believe that this is my life for ever and it still hits me every now and again that Anthony isn’t coming back. I suppose this happens because I completely avoid thinking about the long term future as I find it too frightening.
Anyway, the next problem is Christmas, which I am just avoiding thinking about as much as possible! How are you all? You seem to have made sensible plans, Janet, which shouldn’t involve you in too much hassle! Well done!
Take care everyone and keep in touch!
Love
PaulineYes, I think that’s really important, Cyndi. When we put ourselves in the other person’s shoes it’s easier to understand their behaviour. I think letting go of the anger will be very helpful for you and I’m glad this sad memory has helped you.
We can all learn from this, can’t we? I’m sure we will all be much more sensitive to others’ needs after what we’ve been through. I hope this will help you to move forward and to begin repairing the relationships with the family.
Take care,
PaulineDear all,
I understand your anger so well Cyndi. How can they not realise that we need to talk about our husbands and need to feel that others miss them too and think about them a lot. This is so important and it has upset me so much over the last 15 months. I have felt a great deal of anger and have also wanted to avoid seeing some people because of it. I don’t want to talk about myself and how I am managing, I want to hear how much they cared about Anthony and how much they miss him.
I am now trying to over come the anger and to convince myself that they just find it very hard to talk about these feelings. Some people run a mile from discussing emotions and it has been a great shock to me that some one so close can die and not be talked about a great deal by those who loved him!
I now bring Anthony into conversations rather than wait for things to be said and I find this works better. Perhaps this could help you too. It is amazing that it seems that we have to take the lead and make all the effort but it has come down to this for me with some people. I know they loved him and I’m sure they miss him, they just don’t express it. I have tried this because I want the company of people who were close to both Anthony and I and I really don’t want to avoid them but it has taken me some time to arrive at this point. I hope this is of some help to you, Cyndi. I know this is a common problem as Teresa, Darla and others have said.
I would be really interested to know how others have dealt with this and if the strategies have worked. It shouldn’t be so hard to get this kind of emotional support, should it? What I would really love would be for some close family or friends to suggest an outing or an event, for example, a meal on Anthony’s birthday or at other special dates but it always seems to come down to me to suggest things. I am getting to the point where I may talk openly about this, rather than keeping it all inside.
Take care everyone!
Love
PaulineDear Everyone,
Yes, strange things do happen, don’t they? Did that experiece give you some comfort Cyndi? I really hope so. It sounds lovely. Like you, Janet, initially,it was only when I looked back on some things that I realised how odd they were. My rational mind can’t explain any of it but sometimes I don’t care, I just have to feel the comfort of thinking Anthony is around and trying to communicate.
This has been a very low time for me. I have been working manically, which helps to keep me focused but sometimes I just start to sink again and I feel like giving up. I feel that if Anthony can’t come back for just a moment and tell me he loves me and give me a hug then I just can’t keep up this exhausting time filling exercise that I’m going through. Coming on here is helpful as always because I know you all understand and I really feel the support we offer each other.
Anyway, don’t worry, I will get back on my manic conveyor belt again soon, I’m sure. Life is so sad, isn’t it? I find it so hard to explain to people who keep on telling me I shouldn’t be still suffering but should be getting on with life. I reckon I am getting on with life but that doesn’t resolve anything, it just fills time. I think the answer has to be to make a positive contribution and I think we all try to do that in our different ways, don’t we? We can still sink a bit sometimes though, can’t we?
It was my birthday on Friday and I think that started this off. Two years ago Anthony and I went for a windy walk long a pier on the south coast. We were positive and he was doing well. I miss him so much. It’s as simple and as complex as that.
I hope you are all ok and that your foot is alright Cyndi. These things can affect us so much more than usual in our circumstances. I am thinking of you all.
With love,
Pauline
