pauline
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Dear all,
I hope you have a pleasant time in Spain, Sue. I think it will probably really be good for you to have a break and, hopefully, a rest. I understand your depression regarding the Christmas cards. I am not even going to buy any this year as I just can’t face it. I must admit I hadn’t thought about receiving some from people who don’t know what has happened but now that you have mentioned it, I will at least be prepared.
I have been troubled by a lot of self blame again. I really have a terrible problem with this and now it is focused on why I didn’t get Anthony prompt treatment following on from his radio therapy in February. There was a month’s delay while the oncologist reviewed a scan before referring Anthony for a Phase 1 trial, and it haunts me still that this delay caused Anthony to deteriorate rapidly. I can’t get away from blaming myself for it and it is terrible to live with. I think I will focus on this in my counselling session next week. This has been going reasonably well and I have managed to talk through those last few terrible days of Anthony’s life. My counsellor did help me to find some beautiful elements in those most dreadful of days and I am grateful to her for that. She said some lovely things about Anthony and the dignity with which he faced such awful pain and trauma and I appreciated her insight while crying at the memory of his courage.
This has been a very tough week for me and today I was offered my first cosultancy work in a school near my own. It is a project which I will work on over the next term and it involves a link with a school in New York doing some joint work on literacy development. I will probably have to visit the partner school in the US and so I may get to meet some of you on this site after all! It is a really interesting project for me and could lead to further work but as I left the school all I could think of was how delighted Anthony would have been because this type of consultancy work is exactly what I had planned to do after I retired. Anthony would have helped me with it as he was a former university chair of department in applied linguistics. It is so sad to think of doing these things on my own and there is no pleasure in it at all now. I am just doing it because I think I really must do something.
Anyway, I hope you are both ok in all that snow, Joyce and Darla. I hope that you are alright without the anti depressants, Joyce. I have never tried any medication but it has been suggested to me. Let us know how you go on.
Take care everyone!
Love
PaulineDear Iris,
I undestand everything you are going through and feel so sad for you and Peter. One thing I would say is that this time will be full of precious memories for you in the future. Think of all the things you want to say to him and be sure to say them. Get all the help you can for both of you and try to make sure he is comfortable and pain free. These are all things that I was unable to do for my darling Anthony because we didn’t realise he was dying and it has made things so much worse for me since he died.
Take care of yourself as well and try to get enough sleep to keep yourself coping. It is such a struggle but you and Peter will get through this together and the love you share will help you to cope. Please know that I am thinking of you and please keep in touch.
With love
PaulineDear Charlene,
As you can see there are a lot of us out here thinking of you and wishing we could help you in some way. It is so hard when you lose someone you loved so much and with whom you shared your life. Those first few weeks are so incredibly difficult because you are in state of terrible shock at what has happened. As John’s carer you have been through so much too and are probably exhausted as well as emotionally drained.
If you feel you could share with us some of your experiences and memories, you know we are here to listen and respond.
As a friend said to me in those early days, it is so hard to lose someone you loved so much but remember that some people never experience love like that in their life time. You know what that love was like and you will never forget.
Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are.
Love
PaulineDear all,
I have been really low in the last few days and have felt like I’m sinking. After 4 months of all this I began to think I simply couldn’t cope with such grief, sadness and, basically, with missing Anthony so badly. There have been a lot of tears and some very desperate moments.
On Saturday I held the social for friends and family to mark Anthony’s 65th birthday. It went pretty well and I found it comforting in some ways but afterwards, as the last guests left, I just felt so unbearably sad and alone that I didn’t know how to get through the night. I couldn’t sleep and just felt so tramatised all over again. This time it was a strange sense of dissatisfaction with myself over the way the evening had gone. I’m always trying to do the best for Anthony and beat myself up very badly if I don’t think something has gone well enough. The blame this time was that some people weren’t focussing enough on Anthony and that I should have made them. I know this all sounds rather bizarre but now, looking at it more objectively, I know that this is a reflection of the state of mind I’m in. I think I still blame myself for not being a better advocate for Anthony in his last few weeks and for not saving him from some of the pain and trauma he experienced.
Anyway, I had to put all this to one side and get ready this morning for a meeting I had asked for at the hospital about issues relating to Anthony’s treatment and final discharge into hospice care. I feel that this went well . My step daughter came with me and we had a long and frank discussion about all the key issues. We found out that Anthony’s tumours had spread more than they had told us and that, due to a delay in reporting his last ct scan results, the consultants hadn’t realised how bad he actually was. They agreed that he shouldn’t have been discharged at that point and that there should have been a plan for his next steps.
They also agreed to take various steps to try to improve care fo cc patients, including giving information to all cc patients about this web site. I will post more about this meeting in another section of the web site so that current patients and their carers can access it. I am going to follow this up by trying to ensure that these measures are indeed taken. I know Anthony would now be very proud of his wife and daughter and it makes me feel a little better.
I am now going to try to not find somethig else to beat myself up about for at least a day or 2! I hope you are all ok. Take care!
Love
PaulineDear all,
I find the anger comes and goes, Sue. I can be irritated by lots of things and have to check myself in case I’m being unfair. I think it’s pretty normal because of what we’re going through. I suppose I feel everyone around me should be feeling awful about Anthony’s death and I get very annoyed if they don’t talk about him or aren’t keeping in touch with me. I mainly keep the anger inside though as I don’t want to become a pain to everyone but I know that I am openly irritable at times.
I think this is probably one stage that you’re going through and perhaps you are tired as well which can make you more bad tempered. I find I am still very tired even though I don’t seem to do a lot.
I suggest you try to rest and perhaps do something to remind you of some of the good times with Ray. I find that talking about some of the good times with friends or family can be very helpful.
I hope you are ok Darla and Joyce. I hope thanksgiving will be an opportunity to remember some lovely times. I know it will be sad but I hope you can capture some of that beautiful sadness that comes with beautiful memories.
With love
PaulineDear Charlene,
I am so sorry for your loss of John and I can feel your pain and grief. I lost my Anthony four months ago and still sit here wondering how this terrible thing has happened to us and still not able to really believe that he’s not here any more and isn’t going to come back.
A few things have helped me to survive so far. One is coming on this site and sharing feelings with Darla, Sue, Joyce, Teresa and others who have lost love ones. Another is talking to those loved ones who understand how I feel. Another is crying and crying and talking to Anthony and asking him for help. Another is remembering the love we shared and understanding that it’s because of the strength of this love that we feel so desperate now. Not everyone has a love like that in their life time. Another is looking at old photos and crying at the memories. Another is walking on my own in places we used to go to and asking Anthony for advice and crying some more.
I am crying now for you and for all of us who are going through this nightmare. Hold John close in your heart and don’t ever let him go.
keep coming here and tell us how you are.
We are thinking of you,
With love
PaulineDear Darla, Sue and Joyce,
I hope you are all ok. I know thanksgiving is coming up in the States and I hope both of you will get through it alright, Darla and Joyce. I’m sure it will be difficult. Here Christmas preparations are all around and I find it unbearable. I am going to try and avoid as much of it as I can. Anthony and I used to love this time of year and we used to go shopping together for all the food and presents. This year it’s just so depressing.
It was Anthony’s birthday yesterday and that was also very hard. I got out some of the birthday cards that we had sent him over the years and put them up. I sent him another one this year as well to tell him how I miss him. I probably sound a bit mad but I don’t know what else to do. I bought some music and poetry as well as a present for us both.
I am having a small social on Saturday for family and friends to remember him. I’ve been getting it organised and every now and again I stop and wonder why I am doing it. I have to keep reminding myself that he’s not coming back and then I get a bit desperate all over again.
I haven’t moved any of Anthony’s things yet and his clothes and other things are exactly where they always were. I haven’t thought of doing anything about them and know that I would find it unbearable so I just leave them. I feel better with them around.
Yes Sue, I think you’re right. People think it’s better for us to get in touch with them. It’s odd, isn’t it? I know they mean well but I rarely bother to phone people and so find myself alone quite a lot. I have had some offers of going to Christmas events with friends from school but, of course, I can’t face these. I realise at some point I will have to start to make an effort with people but for the moment I just don’t really want to.
It would be nice for us all to get together and perhaps we will one day. I will certainly make an effort for the AMMF do, Sue, if I can. It would be good to meet you and other cc patients/carers etc.
Take care of yourselves. I am thinking of you!
Love
PaulineDear all,
Thank you so much , Lainy and Teresa for your support. It really does mainly seem to be the people who have gone through a terrible loss themselves who understand that our deep sadness doesn’t go away just because it has been a while since our loved ones died.
I think the card is very beautiful,Joyce, and something for you to treasure. I think everything is such a shock at first that it takes time for us to absorb the finality of what has happened. I feel I still exist in a kind of blur, Darla,where everything is surreal but at the same time there is a process of dull realisation going on that this is for ever. As you say, Teresa, I know it’s never going to go away and events like birthdays will always be so sad. Anthony would have been 65 on Monday and about to draw his state pension. We were going to have a good celebration and a bit of a laugh for this and now I know I’ll be crying all day.
I am still in that very depressed state at the moment. I am in school today but can’t focus which is why I am on this site. It does really help, especially to get messages of support. Even here this morning a colleague asked if I would come to the Christmas dinner and tears came to my eyes. If anyone asks how I am it starts me off as well, although they often don’t notice because I hide it well.
I went to counselling yesterday and it was a bit better. I asked her how she thought I was doing and whether it is normal to have such lows as I do every few weeks. She said it was very normal for someone who has lost someone they loved so much and in such a traumatic way. She said it wouldn’t be right for someone to be either so low all the time or numb and busy all of the time and we go forwards and backwards to the grief as a way of coping. I guess this is right. It seems to make sense, doesn’t it? She then asked me how Anthony and I met and I told her about our 27 years together and how happy we were and how we loved each other. I found that I got on to the start of Anthony’s health problems very quickly and spoke about his illness for the rest of the session. I think this is still what I need to explore at the moment. Anyway, I cried for a lot of the time I was talking but felt slightly better afterwards for having cried so much.
I have decided to stick with the counselling as it doesn’t seem to do me any harm and, when I’m feeling as bad as I am now, at least it’s someone to confide in about how I feel. I have found that by asking her questions I get a better response and also by pausing and waiting for her to say something, I get more feed back from her so I think this is the way forward for the next sessions.
Well, I hope you are all coping as well as possible. Take care every one. Thank you again for your support.
Love
PaulineDear all,
I think fear is one of the elements in people not contacting us and this is reinforced by what you say Lisa – just when you probably feel you need people the most, for example, when you have cancer or when you lose your husband they seem to be there less. Clearly this is not everyone but a significant number. I was talking to a friend the other evening and I was very upset and she said to me that she didn’t know what to say to me to help me to feel better. I told her that she didn’t need to say anything specific to me but just talking helps. I also told her that it helps when she includes Anthony in the conversation, which she often does. I find so many people avoid talking about him and it really upsets me. I miss him so much that just talking over a few happy memories with friends helps quite a lot but not many people seem to realise this. As you say Darla, sometimes it’s people you didn’t feel so close to who respond better.
I must admit I am really struggling at the moment. I think what happens is that I keep myself very busy and try so hard to keep my head above water that every now and again I lose perspective and start to sink to a very low point. I think it’s because there doesn’t seem to be an end to this unlike anything else I have ever experienced in life. I know I will have to pick myself up again in the next few days but it’s very hard, isn’t it? For the last 27 years whenever I had a problem or was upset about something, Anthony was always there to talk it through with me. He would always give me such good advice, he could make anything seem ok after a chat and then, what I really need the most, he would put his arms around me and give me a cuddle and say something funny to make me better. That’s what I miss so much. Who does that now? No one else can fulfill this role. It has to be the person you loved and shared your life, innermost thoughts, feelings and dreams with. The missing him is so unbearable sometimes I think I will break but instead I make another list and try to keep going. Going where? That’s the question!
Anyway, I have decided to go to counselling again tomorrow. Perhaps I will get a bit more out of it. I think I may as well try. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m sorry to be so depressing at the moment!
Take care of yourselves. Thanks for your kind words Lisa! I hope you are keeping well.
Love
Pauline
LoveDear Darla, Joyce and Sue,
I hope you’re getting through Sunday alright. It’s been another very grey, depressing one here and I continue to find the weekends very difficult. I keep busy most of the week but then at weekends, when people tend to enjoy themselves a bit, I just get more and more depressed.
The counselling was a waste of time again. I may do the 6 sessions just to see if it gets anywhere in the end but I’m not holding out much hope. I don’t think it’s for me!
I’ve found myself feeling a bit angry at people over the last few days. I think I feel somewhat let down by some people who were close to Anthony and I. He used to say to me that there would be lots of people looking out for me when he was gone but sometimes I feel terribly isolated. I think he would be disappointed with some of them who rarely phone or call to see me. I think they do care but haven’t really got time to give much in their busy lives. I will never ask for anything – I have far too much self respect- but I just wish Anthony could be here to look after me. I really need that at the moment!
Well this is sounding a lot like self pity and I must guard against that. It’s so hard to be strong all the time, isn’t it? Ok, so I’m going to wipe away the tears and go and watch some rubbish on tv. I really wish I could start to focus on reading again but I can’t yet.
Take care all of you.
Love,
PaulineDear Darla, Sue and Joyce,
Well hearing about all the car problems you’re having makes me rather glad that Anthony and I just had one car between us and so nothing to sell – thank goodness. Seriously though I do think we need to be aware of the woman alone issue. I guess that because of all the emotions we’re going through we can tend to forget about these things. I certainly didn’t think about it all until I was in Italy a few weeks ago. I went for lots of walks as usual. One day I was walking in the woods a long way up from our house into the wilds of Tuscany. It suddenly occurred to me that this wasn’t really a very sensible place for me to walk on my own as no one knew where I was and it would have been very difficult to explain to anyone over the phone exactly where I was. I wasn’t nervous at all, I just realised it wasn’t sensible and kept to more accessible pathways after that.
I also find the returning home alone after any outing a very difficult thing, especially when it’s dark. Again, this is not because of nerves but because it just underlines the emptyness and loneliness of life, doesn’t it?
I am going for my second counsellig session tomorrow and, if I don’t find it useful this time I think I will stop going. I am dreading going back to that awful hospice again! I will let you know how it goes.
Take care all of you. Keep the lists going! Denny’s sounds very good. What a pity we can’t all pop there for a chat over breakfast!
Love
PaulineDear Joyce,Darla and Sue,
Well, it’s been another difficult weekend for me and I’m planning an early night to get it over with! I thought the photo was lovely Sue. You both looked so happy and fine. It’s so hard to believe what lay ahead of you, isn’t it? Did you know at that point that Ray had cc? I find photos so poignant. I may post one soon. I think it would be nice for us all to see each other and our loved ones.
I’m glad you are all keeping busy. I know it is close to the one month anniversaries for you both, Joyce and Sue and two months for you Darla. I am thinking of you all because I know these dates mean a lot to us all. I remember the first month seemed endless and I must admit that it feels as though the 4 of us have been in contact with each other for much longer than this. I had family over for dinner on the first month’s anniversary of Anthony’s death and I think it helped but looking back I realise I was still really in a very dazed state of shock. I feel that you may still be in this sort of state, Sue and Joyce. We have to cope with such devastation and yet still have to get on with doing things in the “real world” that I think it’s only in retrospect that you realise how you were. I think you have got through this month really well but go easy on yourselves – it really still is very early days. What do you think Darla? I still feel after 3 months that it is still very early but I have noticed a difference recently. I think the shock is wearing off, not completely, but a bit and I find I am beginning to face the huge issue of the permanency of my loss, which on several occasions recently has seemed too much to bear. I feel as though I can go on keeping myself busy with lists for a while but not for ever and I don’t know where any of this is going. I still just miss Anthony absolutely unbearably. He is on my mind at every moment, no matter what I am doing and I don’t want this to change. The thing I really want to do is to dream of him but this rarely happens. On Thursday it was my birthday – not a day I wanted to think about at all. My stepdaughter, Justine, who is so amazing to me and really keeps me going, invited me round for a meal. When I blew out the candle on the birthday cake, she said to make a wish. I wished that I could dream of Anthony and that night I did – probably because we had been talking about him a lot – and it was lovely – even though he had grown a moustache and was a bit grumpy with me! I gave him a big hug and it was so realistic. How is it that in dreams people are so real? I can never see him so clearly when I try to picture him when I’m awake.
Anyway, I have already done my list for tomorrow so I will try to face the world again. Today I just stayed at home. It was one of those miserable British grey, windy, rainy days and the walk I had hoped for was just out of the question. Joyce, you must let us know if you go to the widows group. I suppose it all depends on who you get in the group. I imagine it could be a good way of meeting some new friends who understand how you feel.
Well, take care all of you and know that I am thinking of you.
With love,
PaulineDear Sue, Darla and Joyce,
I’m back from Italy and have had my counselling session, which I didn’t find very useful. Maybe counselling isn’t for me but I am going to give it another session in case it improves after the initial chat. I found, like last time I tried it, that I talk, she listens but I get nothing back. The worst thing was that it took place at the hospice and going there brought back all the awful memories of Anthony’s last few weeks. I knew this would be a problem but they didn’t really take it on board. I could even look up and see the balcony and the window of the room where he died.
I think you’re right Sue, we do much better ourselves in the support and understanding we offer each other and I know I find it much more useful. I think you’re doing very well in keeping the contact with people going. I accept all offers of meals etc and do find it helps as well, although sometimes I get upset if they don’t talk about Anthony, because it makes me feel as though he has gone and they have forgotten about him. I like people to talk about him because it makes me feel they cared about him and miss him too. The trip to Spain sounds good – will you be going alone?
Yes, Darla it is very hard to accept that life is so tragic and that some people die so young. I look around and everywhere I seem to see couples much older than us looking so comfortable in their lives. I always think how lucky they are and it all just seems so unfair. I can’t imagine ever getting used to this lonliness.
I’m glad you’re finding work a bit better Joyce and I hope this continues. I would like to see your picture, Sue so I’m going to try to find it on here. I’m off to school tomorrow and so will have an early night now – any excuse!
Take care all!
Love
PaulineHello there,
I am glad that you both kept busy with family this Sunday and I also hope you are ok Sue. My cold has gone now and the weather has improved again and so I have been out walking a lot over the weekend. I still find the evenings the worst, especially now it gets dark so early. I find myself feeling more depressed when the sun goes down.
I am coming back to the UK tomorrow and will start my counselling on Wednesday so I will let you know how it goes.
Take care all of you. Keep the lists going!
Love
PaulineDear all,
I haven’t been in touch for a few days because my friend was over here with me in Italy, which was really nice. She is very good with me and very kind. I made an effort to make it a pleasant stay for her and I hope it was. Unfortunately I got a bit ill over these last few days – only a bad cold really – but it made me feel quite depressed without Anthony to tell me to go to bed and fuss over me a bit with cups of tea and honey and lemon drinks etc.
I am thinking of you all as it is Sunday tomorrow and I know this is the difficult day. I find it easier if the weather is fine because at least a good walk is possible. Here there is a Sunday morning market in our local town which is another thing to do. I actually find Saturday nights very hard because Anthony and I would always have something nice to eat – maybe a take away curry from our favourite Indian restaurant – and I really miss him if I sit in alone.
I too am still finding it very hard to concentrate to read books or even watch films and I am still making lists every day to keep mself busy. It’s hard, just trying to keep going, isn’t it? I do think, however, that we are all pretty strong and we don’t seem to be the type of people to rely on others for too much, do we?
Take care,
Pauline
