uksue

Dear Darla, Joyce and Pauline,
We all seem to have been going through a rough patch just lately. I had a really bad day yesterday. I wanted to get all my Christmas cards sent off before I went on holiday, as quite a few people we send cards to dont know Ray has died. So yesterday I spent all day writing cards and by the end of it I was really depressed after explaining about Rays death so many times.
I just wanted to stop the cards coming addressed to Ray and Sue.
Anyway it is done now.
I am looking forward to getting away for a week, I think I need the rest Ijust feel so exhaused all the time.
I hope you all have a good week, and will catch up with you when I get back.
Love Sue x

Hi everyone,
It has been quite a hard week this week, I have been so bad tempered with everyone, and I feel really angry that Ray was taken away from us. Sam and my two stepdaughters are also finding it hard now, almost harder than it was at first. I suppose you both went through this stage, Darla and Pauline, please tell me it gets a bit easier.
Pauline I think it is such a nice idea to get everyone together to remember Anthony’s birthday. I think we sometimes forget that friends are grieving as well as family, and it gives everyone chance to talk together.
Darla and Joyce, I hope thanksgiving is not to bad for you, try to think about the good times you had, and try to laugh with your families.
Love to all,
Sue

Dear All,
I apologise that I have not written for so long, but I have been so busy I have not had time to think! I run a small business from home, and I have neglected it for the past few month, then everything happened at once, my accountant wanted the end of year accounts, and I had “misplaced” several important documents – so I have been almost a week going through every file in my office – I finally found them in completelythe wrong place, I must have put them there while I was in a daze just after Ray died.
I dont think i am still thinking clearly – I add up the same column six times and get a different answer every time!
Anyway, it was nice to read through and catch up with you all.
Pauline, I am glad the councelling is getting a bit better for you, perhaps now you have been a couple of times and they know you a bit more you might get some positive imput from them – in any case if you have the time it is worth doing!
Darla, Joyce, it might be better to cut your losses with your vehicles if yu have friends who are willing to help you with the auction – at least you wont have to deal personally with buyers!

I have been reading with some interest your observations about friends, I tend to agree withyou, I think friends seem to think that yu will call them if you need them and “leave you in peace” otherwise. I know even before Ray died he was veryupset that one couple who had been friends for 30 years did not phone for a whole year after he had been diagnosed. The wife was acancer survivor herself so Ray thought she would be different, but perhaps it was a bit too close to home. I did manage to phone them at the end and they came to the hospital but I didnt let Ray know it was me who contacted them. They have asked me over for a meal and I feel so angry as that was theinvitation Ray was waiting a year for. I dont want to go but my daughter, Sam says I shouldnt hold grudges.
I think that I will have heard the last from several couples we were friendly with – a single woman is an “awkward number” and tends to be overlooked usually. We dont belong to that club any more so we will have to find a new club to belong to – I have started to contact several of my friends who are devorced or widowed, and even though I usually only get to see them once or twice a year, the encouragement I get from them is really touching. But it is hard, we have to make the moves to reachout for new friends, and to find our new place in society. No more soulmate. It is hard.
I think i must be going through an “angry” stage – I made a list of all the jobs I need to do or have done about the house and garden and I will have enough to keep me busy for the next few years! So I am really angry that Ray didn’t do some of them as they would have been so easy for him to do. I dont blame him for wanting to just go on holidays all the time, and towards the end he was too tired, but some of the jobs he has been putting off for years and now I am stuck with them.
I feel so sad now, and a bit overwhelmed that I have to do everything myself, it is so hard.
Thankyou all for being there for me to moan at! If I told anyone else I was angry at Ray they would think I was heartless but I know youprobably have the same frustrations as me.
What are you all doing about their clothes? I cant bring myself to clear out all his things at the moment, his slippers are still in their place bythe door. i have said to myself that I will try to chose five things every time a charity bag comes through the door but I cant always bring myself to do this.
The church finally sent Helen the money for AMMF – she is going to put a piece in her newsletter about Ray, that will be so nice for the girls, and it will help them withthe fundraising they want to do.
Pauline, I am planning to try to go to their summer ball this year, if you are up to it I would really like to meet you there? Give it some thought, it might be nice.
Joyce, Darla, if you were in the UK I would invite you too but it might be a bit of an expensive trip for you both!
Anyway, my love to you all and I promise to write more regularly!
Group hug!
Sue x

Hi girls, Well after just having wrote a posting saying today was not so bad, the computer shut down again.

Hi Joyce,
Just made such a disjointed posting on the other thread! But I think it did me good. I came here tonight very weepy, but feel more positive after reading all your caring remarks. It was Ray and my second marriage, but I feel he has given me the gift of his family – I am an only child but now I have sisters, brothers, step children and step grandchildren (but to them I am just Grandma Sue, as I was married to their grandad long before they were born). And if anything his death has brought us closer together.
We must be glad we are loved for ourselves by our neighbours and family – they wouldnt ask us if they were not fond of us for ourselves (not just as a couple).
My thought are alway with us “Four Muscateers”
Lots of love Sue
x

I am going to try to sleep now, good night and god bless. I send a big hug to you all, and thank you so much for being there to listen to my ramblings!
Love you all,
Sue
x

Pauline, I wish you a belated happy birthday, you mustnt be sad in the future – Ray died on his eldest daughter birthday and I tild her it was his way of always being with her on her birthday – it is life we have to remember the best and take it with us into the future.
I look at the photo I posted and cant believe it was only a year ago – we did know about Rays illness then but we tried to forget it and make the most of our time together which I think we pretty much did , but when the end came so quickly – which was good for Ray – we were all pretty much in shock and I cant believe I wont ever see his face again.
I am so glad you are all there for me befor ethe computer cut out I was telling you all taht I cried when I logged on and say all you had to say to me it was not tears of sadness, it was, I dont know, tears of comradship and of comfort knowing you all know what I am going through.