uksue

Dear Joyce,
I am so sorry to read of your pain just now, I symapathise with you so much. I too have a dog a littel Cavalier Kind Charles Spaniel whid is nearly 13 years old. Ray bought her for our daugther Sam when we moved to this house and she was missing her old friends. he claimed not to like the dog but when no one was watchingused to stroke her and pet her and she was devoted to him.She is so quiet and has such sad eyes I could cry every time I see her.
I have just told Darla and Puline I had a bad moment tonight when I went to bed, I laid on Rays pillow and couldnt smell him any more for the first time simce he died I really cried. I have been putting off changing the beeding even though he died over a week ago – I suppose hygiene will win in the end!
I have actually moved Rays pictures to the windowsilll so I dont catch sight of him whan I am unprepared – It upsets me too much.
I know we all go through the same feelings on the same timescale so it is so important for us to all talk together and comfort each other.
Ray only died 3 days after your husband so I guess we are pretty close in our feelings.
Lots of love and hugs,
Sue

Well, the funeral is over and I am feeling strangly calm. I cant cry, my mind feels empty and my days dont seem to have any structure. I have a couple of good friends who phone occassionally but apart from that everyone is leaving me alone. I suppose they think I am greaving but I just feel numb.
There were probably 200 people at the service and about 150 came back to the village hall where we had put on a buffet and put up lots of pictures of Ray through his life. There were a few upsets, sisters, brothers neices etc insited on calling to the house before the funeral when we really only wanted me and the three girls, but I suppose they only wanted to show respect. As the coffin was going into the church, some latecomers followed it in! So we had to shout to let the undertaker know they were not family or part of the procession. At the reception/party (whatever you call it) a friend who only new us recently stood up to toast Ray and mentioned me and Sam and completely ignored my stepdaughters. Also at one point I sat down with my dear friend and she said something that set me off in uncontrollable laughter – I dont know what people thought! But on the whole I think we gave Ray the best send off we coud. Sam managed to say her peom beutifully, her eldest sister also stood up and said a lovely tribute to her Dad, the two eldest grandchildren also read our a letter to their grandad and one of them also read out the prayer of St Fransis of Assisi which was lovely. The vicar managed to find a place in the gravyard for Ray next to one of his friends who died of cancer two years ago, and lots of people came back to the village Hall, including 12 freinds of Sam from uni who had taken the day off and travelled over from Hull. Afterwards, the younger ones collected the remnants of the buffet and drinks and came back to our home, which was quite nice as I wasnt alone. My the time they went I was so tired I didnt have time to think, I just fell into bed.
Now starts the paperwork, probate and endless telephone calls to put thinks in my name. Also Ray was a wonderful man but often didnt finish what he started, so I have three half decorated roomes, two cars a caravan and a motorbike to sell, not to mention all the things accumulated in the garage, hut, and loft.
Am I a hard woman for not crying? I loved Ray so much but cannot be sad at his passing as it was so much easier than it could have been.
As I live alone and work part time from home, I think when things have settled down I will need to get a part time job in an office or somewhere where I have contact with other people, also it will give me a reason to get up in the morning and will help financially.
Everyone tells me it will hit me later, but at the moment I am quite happy to stay in my bubble until I feel strong enoug to deal with the grief.
Pauline, thank you for the poem it was beautiful. I would like to e-mail you personally, could you e-mail me and I will reply?
I have already e-mailed Darla.
You two and this site has already helped me so much, and I think I may need more help in the future.
All my love,
Sue

Dear Joyce,
I know exactly what you mean about your last few moments being beautiful, I felt the same with Ray on Sunday. It is all we can ever hope for at the end. Take strength in knowing we are all going through the same thing. Love Sue

My two dear friends, I have a favour ta ask from my daughter Sam. She has re-read the poem that Rays Mum wrote and thinks is not so appropriate for a daugter to read about her Father. She has adapted a poem she found about a daughter writing about her Mum to suit what she would like to say about her Dad. She has asked me to ask your opinion of which peom she should read. I know this is a bit trivaul but means a lot to her. Please if anyone else is reading our posts I would like your help and opinion. It will be difficult for Sam to read but she really wants to try.
When we first saw you going,
Our hearts were almost broken,
We wanted you back
But when we saw you sleeping,
So peaceful, free from pain,
How could we wish you back with us,
To go through that again
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God took you home
If Roses grow in Heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for us,
Place them in my Dad’s arm
and tell him they are from us
Tell him we love him and miss him
and when he turns to smile,
place a kiss upon his cheek
and hold him a while.
Because remembering him is easy,
We do it everyday,
But there’s an ache within my heart
that will never go away.
Don’t think of him as gone away
His journey’s just begun,
Life has so many facets
This earth is only one
And think of him as living
In the hearts of those he touched
For nothing loved is ever lost
And he is loved so much.
Please everybody let her know what you think
Allmy love.
Sue.

Hi Pauline,
I am sorry I didnt answer to your message of yesterday. You dont know how much it means to be able to speak to you and Darla here, or I suppose you do know.
I havent been able to sleep and it is such a comfort to be able to write down my feelings, somehow it is more theraputic than speaking with someone it is as if by writing it you purge yourself of a bit of the grief. I am in limbo now. I know in the coming week or so I will have a big funeral to organise. We live in a village and everyone knewand loved Ray for his sense of humour. He wants a burial in the village church so as well as family and friends there will be half the village there. I dont know how to approach the subject with Ray, I know that when my Dad was in the hospice the doctor there told him there was no hope and he didnt want to hear it even though he knew. I think Ray is like my Dad in that respect so I guess I will leave it up to him to open the can of worms. We have talked enough in the past for me to know what he would want. I feel awful talking about his funeral and he hasnt died yet but I cant help it. It is dawn now, the hospital and doctors have been very good they say we can go whenever we want and stay as long as we want. I hope Ray stays lucid enough to talk to everyone who will be visiting him today, especially as his three grandchildren want to come this evening. Sam has told me that when the kidney fails it causes confusion and he may go into a coma. The main thing is that there is no pain for him just now. The hospital want to discuss pain relief today and I have to sign a form to say if his heart stops we dont want him revived. It is all coming a bit too fast, even though we have known about this for 20 months, we still didnt expect things to go so fast, I know it is a blessing in disguise but it is still difficult to think that only two weeks ago, Ray was cutting the grass and enjoying the sunshine.
Well my friends I better get dressed and face the day. Thank you for being there for me,
Love Sue x

Dear Darla,
It isnt good news the consultant has jsut phoned and he is taking Ray back into hospital I think his kidneys are also failing now as well as his liver – my daughter says it is something called Type 11 HRS (Hepatorenal Syndrome) which is brought on by liver failure – in other words he is shuttinjg down. At the moment he is in no pain, just sleeps a lot. I am frightened he will not come hope again. You are the first I have told of this – I am trying to compose myself to phone my daughters and his sisters and brothers.
Sue