Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Dear all,
Yes, I am having one of those down waves again. I wasn’t too bad while I was busy over the weekend but now it seems very flat again and the same sad thoughts go continually around and around in my mind. It feels a little like madness sometimes, doesn’t it?
I was walking around a supermarket this morning – yes shopping to keep busy, Darla – and there was one of these awful English pop songs that they tend to play in Italy but the words struck home. It just kept repeating “Carry on, carry on” and “I’m here, I’m here”. I imagined Anthony might be sending me a message, although he was never partial to Italian/English pop, and it helped a little. The problem I still wrestle with is that I keep busy with work, getting things done around the house here that Anthony and I planned to do etc but then I pause and don’t know why I am doing them. I think my mind is worn out with trying to work all this out and I just go round in circles.
I studied Sons and Lovers for A level, Janet and loved it so the Lawrence link is interesting. I understand the loneliness you feel even when surrounded by kids and others. As you say, Darla, the feelings are always there. I suppose they just come more sharply into focus sometimes.
What a hard life it is! I am allowing myself a little self pity today – not a good thing!
Anyway, take care everyone!
Thinking of you all.
Love
PaulineHi All,
Just checking in with everyone. Pauline it sounds like you had a nice weekend. It does seem like once it is over tho’ & everyone goes there own way, we are back to being alone with our thoughts & sadness. It is a vicious circle and is totaly exhausting isn’t it? I think both you & Janet are right, it comes in waves of ups & downs but it never truely goes away. It is always with us. Even when we are with others. I think you are right Pauline. Most people do mean well, but just don’t really know what to say or do. I don’t think they really mean to be harmful or insensitive, but sometimes it does seem that way doesn’t it?
Janet & Joyce, it sounds like you both got in a little shopping to occupy yourselves. I am doing that tomorrow.
Everyone try to have a decent week. I will be thinking of all of you, as always. Take care.
Love,
DarlaHi people I hope you are feeling a little better Pauline as I am finding out its all about feeling a little better and then sinking back a bit.I thought you might be interested to know that I live near where D.H.Lawrence lived when he lived in Australia -just a snippet of info-.I find it amazing how lonely I feel even though Im surrounded by teenagers etc.
love from JanetDear all,
It’s good to hear from all of you and I hope everyone has coped with the holiday weekend. I have had my family here in Italy which has been really nice. The weather turned out to be absolutely beautiful with warm spring sun shine every day so we were able to be outside a lot which was good. However, now they have gone back home it feels more empty than ever here and I am reflecting again on my loneliness and am wondering how it happened that Anthony isn’t here any more. I wonder how many times the same thoughts have gone through my mind during the last 8 months and still no resolution.
I am glad you have felt slightly better for a while, Janet. The process seems to go like this. It is pretty impossible to be at such a low point all the time and, apparently, the backwards and forwards process is a sign of strength. It is exhausting though, isn’t it? Friends have often disappointed me. I tend to think they should understand more and should say the right things but this rarely happens in my experience and it can make you very angry. I hope they will be more sensitive when they see you. Sometimes, people just find it hard to say the right things, even though they mean well, I think.
Anyway, take care all of you. Thinking of you.
Love
PaulineHello Everybody,
It is Easter Monday here. now, Janet, and I am going shopping with my Daughter and grandchughters – to a small towm a little west of me, where they have small “specialty” shops – not serious shopping – just moseying around, eating some lunch on the veranda, looking out at the Susquehanna River. It is a brisk 39 degrees! I, for one, am glad we are going into Spring in this hemisphere – we need it!
I hope everyone had the best Easter we could muster, ubder the circumstances. My Easter ham came out darn good, so that was a good thing, and, even though scalloped potatoes isn’t very “eastery”, they tasted good! I missed Butch, but I miss him every day, so, it wasn’t any different.
Well – the kids are here – gotta go.
Cyber Hugs – Joyce
Yes, there are ups and down for sure Janet-
We in the Northwest look forward to warmer days, green that Spring brings this time of year, and later to the dry season of the wheat summer.
When the rest of the world just does not understand, we all do. We’re here all the time, day and night, and making that connection feels like “family”.
Good to her your upswing, I am due for one too! All my best to you and your family . (((hugs))) -ljg
Dear people I hope your Easter went ok.I myself feel much better in the last couple of days and I think this grieving thing has an up and down nature to it.Im just thankful not to stay down.Your help and support makes a lot of difference.
I went into town today Easter monday-most of the shops were open.I looked at all the new seasons clothes(winter)and I thought of my friends in the northern hemisphere and how you will be looking at summer things and it felt good to feel that connection and enjoy the difference.
love from JanetDear Janet,
One day a week does sound doable. You are lucky to have a job that is in demand and that they are willing to work with you.
I think that well meaning people just don’t realize how their comments affect those of us who are living with this horrible grief. Unless they have been there they just can’t understand. Everyone is different and every situation is different. I feel that grieving is a personal process & everyone that goes through it has to work through it at there own pace. I too have people comparing me to others and get all these comments about it’s been 6 months so you must be adjusting or after a year it will get better. You have to go on, he would not have wanted you to be so sad or alone. How do they know? We were a couple for 45 years and you just can’t get over it in a few months or even a year.
For me personally, I feel that what we have been through, watching someone we love deteriorate so quickly & ultimate dying from this horrible type of cancer and the effect it has on the family is unique to us. There is nothing I can think of that could have possibly been worse. Under the circumstances, I feel that we are all coping quite well.
Atleast here on this site everyone knows how we feel & what we are going through as they are all experiencing it too. We are so lucky to have a place we can go where every understands. As Joyce said, all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other & deal with life one day at a time. I think we all feel empty inside and that right now we are all just exisiting, not really living our lives fully. For now, if that is the best we can do, that is OK.
Now I’m rambling. I guess we need to do that sometimes too.
Everyone take care and try to have a nice holiday weekend.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaJanet,
You are right – it is so difficult, and for you, coping with the other problems additionally, we think you are doing very well, for the circumstances We are all quite empty inside, really. I can’t imagine having children to deal with in addition to my own grief. I have a hard enough time with the “Grands”. People mean well, they just have no idea, really. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and moving forward.Love – Joyce
H all I will just do one day per week and I can do that.My job is not affected by the economy-they are desperate for nurses always,well they are here.
I hope everyone has a good weekend over Easter.I have some friends of Joels coming down tomorrow to take me out to lunch.They rang earlier this week and struck me at a very low point and got worried and are now coming to the rescue I think.This man said to me that “his sister coped very well when her husband died a couple of years ago”(she is around my age and had teenagers etc)And I didnt react well to this info and got a bit worked up.So now they are rushing down here tomorrow.
We live in a coastal village just over 1 hour from Sydney but most of our family and friends are in Sydney so its a funny situation.
I know you wonderful,understanding people will understand it well.I still cant believe I have lost Joel-every day I wake up and remember he is gone and cry and then try to press on with the day so for someone to talk such rubbish about “coping” really upset me-I call it existing myself and I think Im doing ok existing and looking after the boys.Sorry about this ramble
love from JanetThanks Mary. I hope that you and Tom have a nice Easter also. I read your other post & don’t have any answers for you but I will be hoping & praying for the best results for Tom on his next MRI.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaPrayers and hugs to all of you grieving this Easter. I hope the sun shines bright Easter morning in what ever part of the world you live and that your memories of Easters past give you comfort. I haven’t been through what all of you have been but I honestly can imagine it. I think I do every single day. You are very lucky to have each other. I hope you can get together to meet sometime. God bless, Mary
Hi Everyone,
So many sad things going on in this world of ours & it just seems to magnify our own grief, doesn’t it?
Sue & Joyce I am thinking of you as you reach the 6 month mark and hoping you are doing OK. All of these days are so hard to cope with, but we just can’t seem to forget can we?
Sue, I am hoping that your holiday will help you through. I hope you can enjoy it and have a nice time. It does sound like a fun thing to do.
Patty, I also am glad to hear that your family seems to be in a safe area.
Janet, If you do decide to go back to work, take it slow & I hope it all works out for the best for you.
Joyce, I will be hoping for better weather for all of us!
Pauline, You are so right, It really does seem like we are living a totally different life than we were a year ago. I think we all want our old life back & our husbands here with us. Last Easter we didn’t even know about CC. Jim seemed healthy with no symptoms. Now this Easter he has already been gone over 7 months. I still keep thinking that I wish I could go back to the beginning of last summer & just stay there forever.
Most people think that I am doing OK & getting back to normal, what ever that is now, but as you said, inside I am still so sad & lonely and think about all of what happened all the time & still can not believe that this has really happened to us. I also feel like some people think I need to have a better attitude, not be so negative, but they just don’t understand, do they?
I am glad that you are getting some comfort from your dreams of Anthony.
I still don’t seem to dream much & still have a hard time remembering them when I wake up. I am hoping that will change. Maybe something in me is blocking that for now. Who knows.I too have a hard time concentrating on reading, but tend to do better with books that relate to the situation that we are in. As you said, there do not seem to be any answers to all of this, so we all just have to keep on going & try to work our way through it all in our own way.
I will be thinking of all of you on this Easter weekend & hoping that we will all be able to get through it as best we can.
Everyone take care.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear All,
I just caught up on my reading – it is extrordinary how many things have been happening, isn’t it? My Granddaughter was quite traumatized by the events of last Friday, but has selltled down some, since. It took my Daughter a bit longer – she was so frightened for Alex, you know. It has been sad – so many funerals, and articles in the papers about the people who lost their lives – people from all over the world, in class at the Civic center so they could become citizens and lead a better life. Our senator is talking today about a bill to make them citizens posthumanously (or however it is spelled!) – it would allow their families access to certain things that would be denied them otherwise. I hope they follow through.Sue is about to embark on her cooking holiday – I am so jealous – hae a wonderful time.
Pauline – thank you for remembering. Enjoy your time in Italy with your family, even though we know that inside we are all still hurting. Last year at this time we were at the Mayo Clinic, and we found out they couldn’t do the resection for Butch, because the cancer had metatasized (did I spell that right?). It was downhill from that point on. In some ways, it seems like a lifetime ago, in other ways, I can’t believe a year has gone by.
Patty – I am so glad that your Italian family seems to be Ok.
Janet – make sure you are ready to go back before you do – once you are back – you are back! I went back too soon, I know, but I had to get by it – in a way , it was good for me – took my mind off of my sorrow, but – it was so hard. I still am not quite right . Anyway, think it over.
Darla – will it EVER get to Spring?? It snowed here today – not a lot – just flurries, but – YUCK! And, on top of all this, I missed Antiques Roadshow on Monday night!
Love – Joyce
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