Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Dear Darla, Sue and Joyce,
It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry you are both low as well, Darla and Sue. It is so hard to keep reliving the last awful days. I have been doing this as well quite a lot this week. It’s as though I suddenly stand back and still can’t quite conceptualise the events we went through, even though I think and think about them. However, I don’t think it’s surprising that we get hit like this considering the traumas we faced. I was thinking today that it’s not only the loss of our husbands that we are still dealing with but it is also everything we went through during their illnesses. I keep remembering the biopsies, the scans, the ERCPs, the many episodes of hospitalisation with cholangitis, the pain, the worry, the waiting for the latest results, the hope, the fear, the exhaustion… and all this, which for Anthony and I was a 2 year battle, was followed by his traumatic, painful death. Is it surprising, with all we’ve been through, that we fall apart a bit from time to time? My counsellor says going backwards and forwards to the issues is a sign of strength and resilience so, perhaps we should comfort ourselves with this.
I really wish we could sit down together and talk all this through and comfort each other when we are each having one of those awful days. I hope your holiday will help, Sue. I’m glad you booked it when you were feeling a little better and I should imagine the beautiful surroundings, sunshine and good company will be of help to you.
Household problems are a pain, aren’t they? All these things emphasise our loneliness and mean we get them out of proportion. I need a plumber but just can’t be bothered to find one!
Take care all and keep busy – it seems to be the best we can do, doesn’t it?
With love
PaulineDear Sue,
I’m sorry that you are also going through such a rough patch. It appears that we are all having a hard time of it right now. I guess that the only upside of this is that we all have each other to rely on for strength, understanding & comfort.
Business here has been slow too, but what else am I to do? I also have issues with trying to take care of things that Jim normally would have handled & feeling like I am being taken advantage of at every turn.
It is so easy for others to tell us to replace the reminders of those last days with good memories, but they just don’t understand, do they? It is hard to forget & it comes back to haunt you when you least expect it.
Hopefully the gardening will help fill some time for you & being outside in warmer spring weather should help too. It is so hard no longer being part of a couple, but just a woman alone.
I often think, how much easier it would be to deal with all of this if Jim were here to talk to about these things, but in the same respect, if he were here I wouldn’t be having these problems & feeling so down. How unfair is that!
I think it is good you booked the holiday to Greece, as now you are motivated to go & hopefully you will enjoy it.
I will hope for the best for all of us for the weekend and beyond.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHello Friends,
Sorry I have been absent from here for a while, I have been having a bit of a sticky patch.
I feel as if it has hit me like a sledgehammer just recently. I was coping Ok one minute, then the next I was struggling. Sam says it is the same for her too, and Rays two daughters, so I suppose it is all part of the process of coming to terms with the loss.
I have been having nightmares about the last couple of days and watching ray die, and I cant seem to get it out of my mind.
In addition I have been having problems with my business, which is hardly bringing me a living in at the moment, but I dont have the energy to go and get a new job, it is so much easier just doing this work from home.
It isnt like me to be like this, I just feel so tired all the time.
The practical issues are hard too, as I speak two workmen are repairing my fence, and although I bartered their first price down, I am sure I am being ripped off. Ray would have told them to “Get on their bikes” but I just burst into tears infront of them which made me so mad at myself.
As you say, yesterday was 5 months, and it doesnt sound long but it feels a lifetime.
I am trying to keep myself busy, and along with three other ladies have taken on an allotment where we can grow fruit and veg, only as a hobby really, I dont know what we will do with all the veg! But I really feel that my world is now one of women on their own, rather than one of couples, and it is such a hard change to take, I miss talking to the guys too!
It is about three weeks until my cooking holiday in Greece, so I am trying to look forward to that. But if I hadnt have already booked it I think I wouldnt now have the energy to take it on.
I hate being down! I keep trying to count my blessings, but I really miss Ray not being here to talk to and joke me out of any “down” moments I may have.
I hope you are all coping as best you can.
I hope you have a good weekend!
Lots of love,
SueHi Everyone,
Pauline, I was thinking about Sue too. It has been 5 months for both her & Joyce and since we all seem to be feeling pretty low these days I was wondering how she is doing. I hope she is OK. I also had some issues with the hospital, and had initially complained while Jim was still alive & in the hospital. Shortly after he passed away I had to deal with it all again, & know how you feel. It just brings it all back and you have to wonder if it will do any good or if they even truely care or are they just humoring us by letting us submit our complaints? As you said, it is just one more thing we really don’t need to be going through.
It seems that we just keep moving on through life doing the same things over & over, but the sadness & loneliness is always with us, isn’t it? I don’t think I even know what normal is any more. I don’t find any real happiness in anything I do. I just keep trying to fill the days & nights as best I can. I miss Jim just as you do Anthony, Pauline and know what you mean about feeling so sad & empty inside. I feel like a part of my died when he did.
Joyce, I know that you are feeling the same way about Butch as I am sure Sue is also about Ray. I hope you are feeling a little better today. It seems these feelings just come over us in waves at times, doesn’t it?
Thinking back, I can hardly believe how all of our lives have changed so drastically in the past year. I am sure that a year ago none of us thought we would be here alone now. A year ago, both Jim & I appeared to be healthy and thought we had many years ahead of us yet. Little did we know that 6 months later he would be gone. It’s easy to say that atleast our husbands are no longer in pain or suffering from CC and that we should remember all the good things about our lives, but it still doesn’t take away the pain, sadness, loneliness & emptiness we all feel inside, does it?
Sue, let us know how you are doing.
We are all so lucky to have found each other. It does help to know that others understand and are going through the same things that you are.
Everyone take care and I will be hoping that we will all begin to feel a little better soon. Until then all we can do is keep taking those tiny steps forward and deal with life one day at a time.
Everyone take care. I too am thinking of all of you.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear friends,
How are you all? I am thinking of you Sue. I know it is 5 months for you now. I hope you are ok.
I’m pretty low. I’ve been working hard but life just seems relentless – one day after another without happiness and with such loneliness. I miss Anthony too much and life is so sad and empty without him.
I had a meeting with the hospital about problems with Anthony’s treatment and care on 1st December. They have only just sent me the minutes and they’re full of inaccuracies. So, now I will spend hours re writing them which means going over all the trauma in my mind again. I am very angry with them for putting me through this because it’s the last thing I need at present.
Thinking of you all,
Take care!
PaulineHello everyone,
Today IS a sad day for me – it started about 2 days ago – I felt the depression coming on, slowly, and I have had a hard time fighting it off. I did have a dream about Butch – I think it was Thursday night – that IS very rare, and I know what you mean , Pauline, it was a “normal” dream, and we were together someplace, and I felt “normal” – which in the past did mean happy. When I woke up and realized that it was a dream, I was very sad, BUT , at least for that time he was with me , and I felt good.I do try to act like I always did around the kids, and I am always surprised when my daughter says things like “I find it so difficult to see you like this, Mom – sad all the time”. I think I am doing a good job hiding it, but I guess I am not. It IS sort of like we are just shells of the former people we were, and I don’t think anything can change that – at least not at present. I have been thinking a lot more about Butch the last few days, and remembering all the good times we had – and, there were so many.
Well, enough grumbling. I hope you are all well, and coping with life .
I was just talking to Darla about one year ago – on the 6th, when Butch had his pulmonary embolism (blood clot in his leg travelled to his lungs), and the 7th, when I was told the biopsy was positive and that he had CC (I didn’t even know what the heck that was), and he was in ICU from the blood clot – and, it all began then. Unbelievable – all that happened in a year, and he has been gone from me for 5 months!
Love to you all,
Joyce
Hi All,
I hope everyone is doing OK.
Pauline, I know what you mean about trying to keep busy & then seeing the time go by so swiftly.
I too can’t seem to dream much about Jim & when I do I can not recall much. I am glad that you atleast had a small feeling of happiness. I don’t think I can remember what happiness feels like anymore. It has been so long since I have felt any real happiness about anything. I am sorry that your fleeting happiness has now made you sad by reminding you of what we have all lost. However, we already were aware of that, so I guess even a little happiness is better than none at all.
I think you are right. We try to act normal (what ever that is) but those close to us can sense our inner sadness. All we can do is try our best and go on putting one foot in front of the other living one day at a time as we try to figure it all out.
I’m still having electrical issue too.
We had another snow & sleet event, but today it is a little warmer. However, it sounds like there is more bad weather on the way. I can’t wait until spring! I think we will all feel a bit better when the sun is shining & it warms up. Atleast then we can get out a little more. That should help to lift our spirits some.
Everyone take care. I think of all of you all the time and hope that things are going OK for everyone.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear everyone,
I am thinking of you all and wondering how you are. I know it is 5 months today since Butch died, Joyce and I hope you are ok.
I am tring to keep busy as usual but this just seems to make time go more quickly, which I don’t like, but I don’t know what else to do.
I still hardly ever dream of Anthony even though he is always on my mind and is my first thought every morning. However, on Saturday night I had a dream which woke me with a start. I recall no events in this dream, just a feeling. The feeling was one I recognised from what seemed a long way in the past. It was a feeling of happiness and for a few moments it was like a dark cloak had been lifted from me. When I awoke I suddenly remembered that this was how I always used to feel before Anthony became ill. It really reinforced for me how qualitatively different life is now. I think I had forgotten how happiness and normality feel. It has left me feeling even more sad at the thought of everything we have lost.
I keep thinking back to one year ago and I regularly look at the calendar to remind me of what we were doing. Anthony was doing well after his radiotherapy and was having a break from treatment. We were feeling pretty positive and it is still so hard to accepy how quickly things changed for us.
I read what you said, Joyce, about your grandchildren wanting the happy grandmother back. Although we try hard to put on an act, I suppose it is hard to hide our inner sadness from those closest to us. I guess we have all forgotten what happiness is.
Anyway, I know we all try our best for those we love and that’s the most important thing, isn’t it?
Take care all of you.
Love
PaulineDear Darla, Sue and Joyce,
It’s good to hear from you all. I know it was a hard day for you yesterday, Darla with Jim’s 6th month anniversary. That date hit me hard when I thought of a whole 6 months without Anthony and now it’s 7 months and time is going too quickly for me. I know how hard Ray’s birthday must have been too, Sue. All these things are so sad and our husbands were so young. It makes the thought that they didn’t reach that next birthday so difficult to accept. On Anthony’s 65th birthday I put out lots of old cards we had sent him and I even wrote him a new one.
I am keeping busy at work but feeling rather disengaged from it all. It’s quite hard to be bothered sometimes but I force myself to keep going. I still feel I’m just filling time really.
I think are all lucky with our close families. My step daughter, Justine, is wonderful and an amazing support. Where would we be without them?
I am having strange electrical problems – things that break down one day and then work again later!
Horrible, cold, windy, grey and wet weather here at present – can it get more miserable than that?
Anyway, take care all of you!
Love
PaulineHello all,
You are reminding me of all the trouble I had selling Butch’s old car – a 1996 toyota corolla – he loved that car – we bought it new, and he just kept on driving it! But – by the time I sold it, the engine light was stuck On, it was leaking oil, and I didn’t know what to do. But a friend of mine with a garage put it on his lot, and offered it “as is”. We told the truth, and I still got $1,200.00 – not bad for the poor old thing – Butch would have been proud of me, I imagine! I hope the same thing happens with you two. Unfortuneately, I still have lots of stuff here to dispose ot, and don’t know what to do with it!Sue – you are so fortunate to have Sam, as I am lucky to have my Melanie. We lucked out in the daughter department!
Things have slowed down in the electical department breakage area for me – knock wood – I shouldn’t say it – I’ll jinx myself, I know!
We didn’t get all that snow that Darla got here in New York, however, it is 9 degrees right now – a tad bit cold, I would say!
Love – Joyce
Thanks for the input Sam and all your kind words. Good luck with your finals.
You are so right Sue, the first of everything seems to be so very hard.
I still haven’t gotten Jim’s truck going so haven’t been able to sell that either. I don’t really want to put any more money in to it as it is old and has a lot of miles on it. Come spring if nothing else works out I may just donate it to Rawhide. That is a ranch in northern Wisconsin for troubled boys where they fix up old vehicles & resell them to help keep the ranch operating.
I think you are right, anything that can go wrong sure does seem to go wrong when we are at our lowest.
Hang in there. I will be hoping for a good week for all of us.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi all,
It is quite common in times of stress for your memory to be affected – and especially to get worked up ove forgetting even the little things!
Please don’t worry about forgetting your loved ones, this is very very unlikely to ever happen – especially when you are all saying what fantastic people they all were and how much they meant to you.
Thank you all for such a warm welcome – as my mum said this week has been particularly hard as it was my dad’s birthday.
I am lucky as I can escape it all, as I am not at home as often, where as my mum is there every day so is constantly reminded.
I hope everyone is keeping well, and remember to keep smiling, all our loved ones will be looking down on us now! I am sure the pain of losing dear ones will never go away, although it will get easier with time.
You have such a fantastic support group here – and the advice you offer to each other is amazing.
Sam xx
Hi Everyone,
Thank you all for welcoming Sam, you all know she is a great help to me, and she has a lot on her plate at the moment as she sits her written finals for medicine in three weeks.
Pauline, I am glad you are back safe, I don’t know, it is like all of life’s irritations have just been waiting to plague us when we are at our lowest! Anyway I am glad your arm is back in action.
This weekend was a little difficult for me and the girls as it would have been Rays 64th birthday on Saturday. Everyone went to visit his grave and then came back here for a chat. I think every memorable date is hard the first time around.
My main problems are still practical ones, and how to tackle the practical problems alone. I do miss someone to bounce back off if you know what I mean. Electrical problems still continue to haunt me, now it is the motor mover on the touring caravan I am trying to sell which has packed up, without it I will never get the caravan out of the back garden so I suppose I better plant roses round it or something!
Glad to hear I am not the only one with memory problems, I was beginning to think I had something wrong with me.
I must admit I am afraid I am not as good as you all are at giving support to others on this site, I find it easiest just dipping into here.
Thinking of you all,
Love from Sue x
Hi Sam,
I also want to welcome you & repeat what the others have said, that you are a very supportive, caring daughter. We do all try our best to help & support each other, but I am sure that the support Sue gets from you is very important to her and greatly appreciated.Jeff,
It is good to see you are still posting. You have given so much help, support & strength to everyone here & we are all now here for you & Valerie. You and your family are in my thoughts & prayers.Pauline,
I am glad to hear you got back OK & that your arm is back to normal. The way I figure it, because February was a short month, my 6 months & your 7 are on the same day this month. It does seem like the time is slipping away from us, doesn’t it? As always, know that I am thinkng of you.I also struggle with memory at times & hope that it is related to everything that we are going through & that it will improve again with time.
Joyce,
I sure do hope you are right & spring is on the way. It is cold, icy & snowy here I am am really getting sick & tired of it all!Well, everyone do your best to get through the rest of the weekend. Take care.
Love & Hugs,
Darla
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