Devoncat no more
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I’ve never been a user of this forum myself as I felt it would be better for Kris to have an outlet for her emotions where I wouldn’t be looking over her shoulder, and she wouldn’t need to consider how I would feel about what she wrote. I got my own user name here so that I could post news when she was in hospital without seeming like the abusive spouse spying on her and figuring out her passwords… Looking through her posts now, I actually found a thread from three years ago where she discusses this, and her mixed emotions about wanting me to have your support, but also wanting to keep this forum private. I remember we talked about it also.
Anyway, I don’t think she would mind me reading her posts now, and I found something quite touching… Joyce posted in this thread that Kris would never rest in peace, because she would rock everyone’s world in heaven!
Well, years ago she wrote almost exactly the same thing herself (I think she skipped a “not”):
devoncat wrote:Thanks for all the support and LAUGHS. I was laughing out loud in that way that is very weird when you are at the computer.Joni, Joyce and MArion, your hugs and support mean so much. Sometimes a virtual hug is all you need to make you feel better. Thanks.
Peter, you are right Heaven is quite ready for me, yet. I think I would try to rearrange the place in Swedish retro style and serve SC style bbq at the gates while I was handing out margaritas and forming a mamba line-let alone the red hair. I think God wants heaven to remain peaceful a little while longer.
Patrice, nothing but the best wishes and thoughts for your sweetie. I hope that everything works with this chemo and lets not just hope he feels better. I am a greedy cow and I say lets hope he feels GOOD after!
Now, Richard, you really must stop making me laugh. What is going to happen when I have the drain in and I laugh so hard it leaks. I will fully blame you.
I swear life already feels better.
Perhaps God got bored…?
Like others, I am grieving for Kris’s loss. While I didn’t know her in person, I was inspired by her attitude and hope and awed by the love she shared with Hans. It has been a difficult week for me, knowing we have lost another hero.
Yes Hans, please do continue to talk freely. I can relate to so much of what you and Kris experienced and am glad you felt free to share those thoughts and feelings with all of us. I agree with Marion. It helps you and it helps all of us too.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHans….I agree with the others. Part of Kris’ uniqueness was that she talked freeley about things. And, you are so very right….we do know what it is all about.
Continue to talk Hans…it helps you and it helps all of us.
Hugs
MarionDear Hans,
I’m so glad you shared all of the details about your last hours with Kris and after. I appreciate your unflinching honesty. I’ve gotten to know so much about Kris but it was on the internet….in many ways she was a stranger to me and yet a personal friend at the same time. I’m grieving for her and the only place I can express those feelings are on this website. If you had disappeared after letting us know Kris had died, I would totally understand, but feel even more despair. So thank you, thank you so much for sharing and saying what you need to say. It is very helpful to me. I will always be here to read and reply to anything you want to post.
Warmest regards,
BetsyHans
Your account of Kris’s final hours is so touching and true to her memory.You were a great team…….Gerry
Hans please do not give a second thought to what you post here. To post any other way would not be about our KRIS. I have bounced plenty off of here about Teddy who passed December 6th so why should you not have the same opportunity? And yes, it does give us a calm feeling to know we can come here and talk about the greatest loves of our lives. I spent today reorganizing photo albums. It gave me lots of tears and lots of smiles. Everyone keeps telling me how well I am doing, but they are not sitting here with me in this quiet house. I had a picture of Teddy greatly enlarged and framed and picked it up today. It was taken at our wedding 16 years ago. It is so big that it makes me feel he is standing right in front of me. I love it. In time you too will find your little ways of dealing with your heavy loss. I have been telling people that I am trying to live in my new normal. Take your time and only do what you feel you can do. We will always be here for you.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and support! I hesitated a bit before posting some of what I wrote, especially about her last hours, because it is quite grim reading (and I won’t post anything like that on her facebook page). I can’t say that I am sure Kris would have wanted me to share it, but somehow I had a deep need to, perhaps because by sharing what happened to her I felt I could somehow hold on to her.
Also because Kris shared good things and bad with you people, and I don’t think she ever felt she had to hold back, even though she made sure always to keep a wink in her eye. There wasn’t anything that was too dark, or too crazy to share here, and I felt it would be somehow wrong not to follow that through. Like if it would betray her story not to write the final chapter.
I also deeply wanted to share this with people who face or have faced the same trauma as Kris and I, and would understand it, and to put down in writing my recollection of what happened, before my own memory gets too blurred. The last perhaps 36 hours were incredibly intense and I find that I have to remember.
I’m sorry if I chocked someone, but I needed to tell it to someone who knew what it was about, and that’s you guys… And in spite of the stark horror of it all, I find that the one thing that really stands out to me is that her confusion and fear was just a brief episode – that she regained her mind and her calm, and finally passed away peacefully. “Leroy” and “Junior” may have beaten her, but they never broke her – they never even got close…
Hans,
Thank’s so much for sharing your loving story with us. I was already on the board when Kris first started posting and feel honored to have had the pleasure of knowing her and you through this site all of these years. We have lost many friends here through the years but Kris was truly one of a kind! Losing her breaks our hearts, so I can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now. Please know that we are here for you and that we will always treasure Kris’ memory. I hope that all of your wonderful memories provide you peace and comfort. Take care of yourself and let Kris’ family know that we all send our condolences as well. Love, MaryHans: my thoughts and prayers are with you.
keep her memory close.
we have lost a wonderful person & God has gained an angel.Margaret
Hans, Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I am also so sorry that you have had to go through the last few days alone. Please know that we are all here for you. Kris did so much to help all of us, now we can return the favor and do something for her by helping you.
AmyThank you, Hans. I cannot tell you how much your posts have touched me. They have fired me, too, with fresh determination to do everything I can to help the cc cause.
I have a justgiving page linked to AMMF in the UK. One of Kris’ friends made a donation in Kris’ memory, because she said she knew Kris “would want to help your sister fight & win”. I cried when I read the message she posted – but in my heart I know it’s true.
Kris’ influence is extending around the globe all the time. Even now … perhaps even more so now …
Thank you for sharing such personal moments with us. Please, please keep coming back to tell us how you are. You are “family” too.
Love Julia x
As many others have expressed, the right words are so very hard to come by. So to Hans, Kris’ parents and sister I extend my deepest condolences. Kris had a spirit that transcended the anonymity of the internet and allowed so many of us to feel that we truly knew Kris and therefore we too feel the deepness of her loss.
Bz
Hans – I had such mixed emotions when I read this account. I am so relieved that Kris was still in a fairly “positive” mind set. I am thankful that the last part of her journey here was as quiet and peaceful as it could be given the circumstances. Of course, that didn’t stop my tears. I was especially sad that you were alone with only the hospital staff. I wish someone had been with you for support. Thank you for sharing Kris’ story with us. – Nancy
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