Good and Bad news

I’m now an official drug addict. Got scripts for Paxil and Xanax. Of course, they are BOTH hard on the liver…. go figure.
Sometime next week I get to talk to someone about radiation. I want to go to Fox Chase Cancer Center because they are so close to me. I hope Aetna will cover it. I guess I should call on Monday to see.
In a nutshell: Dr. Fong says the group of nodes (known as 1 node) is too large to do anything with. It is where my intestines or colon and my pancreas and my duodenum and my GOOD bile ducts all meet. It has kind of worked itself around them. Probably stuck to some or all of them. He says surgery would not be a very good option. If necessary he would try it, but he wouldn’t hold out much hope for success. He would have to oblate much of the cells and might do more harm than good.
1st choice: clinical trials. I could be a guinea pig with no guarantee of success.
2nd option: a surgery that Dr. Fong says would probably do more harm than good.
3rd option: 5 weeks of radiation. He says he would give it at least a 60% chance of success. He said he would tell anyone in my shoes to go this route. And imagine him a surgeon!
What really scared me was he walked in and said he hadn’t expected me to look healthy. What? I think he was expecting a jaundiced sick person. He says the node is getting really close to my good bile ducts.
He also said if I had looked like he expected me to look (sick) he might not have given me much hope, just told me to get ready. So I think I’m going to take the small hint and make sure my affairs are in order. Not that I have that many to get in order, but I HAVE been putting it off.
Not that I expect to die. Hey!! I’m still one of the healthy ones! But this node is scary big! And Xeloda did nothing but help it grow, it seems. I asked why oxaliplatin worked on both nodes and tumor, and the Xeloda just shrunk the tumor. He said that many times when the cancer lands somewhere else it mutates to another form of cc. So when Dr. Kemeny comes back on Tues. I will also ask her what she thinks: radiation or cisplatin? I can’t take the oxy because of my neuropathy, but maybe cisplatin? Or a lower dose of oxy for a few sessions? Or should I go with radiation????? Should I flip a coin??? (joke)
I am so confused, depressed and lost right now. So I had to get “happy pills”. I don’t know what to do. I just wish I knew which way to go.
I have asked God to help me thru this and let me know what he wants from me. I haven’t heard clearly enough. Tonight I’m going to ask him to hit me over the head with what he wants from me…

I know I have to wait to talk to Dr. Fong. You never know how different his sentences are from hers!! So I was all depressed by how she said what she said. And I know I have to wait to hear what HE says.
That and get a script for Zoloft. Can’t handle life alone right now. I want some happy pills.
I am SO hoping she really messed up his message (wouldn’t be the first time) and he wants to try getting everything out. Not sure why he would have trouble removing the lymph node since the one I think they were talking about is basically surrounded by my dying left lobe??
I dunno. Can’t guess anymore. It just drives me crazy. So sleeping pill has been taken. A friend insisted she go with me. Mom will be happy.
I hope to post at least “Fairly good news” tomorrow!!!!! Please God???