It Hurts so Bad
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Dear Valerie,
All I can do is echo the words of so many others: your Jeff has been such a source of support, gentle kindness, and hope to so many of us. I hope you can feel the affection out here for both of you.
Thinking of you at this awful time.
Irene
Dear Val, We lost Lee two weeks ago….nights are my worst time of day…time to think, miss him more, love him more…I was afraid of completely losing it in front of Em…so I went to the doctor to get something for the overwhelming anxiety…then I felt weak because I had to depend on meds to help me through…but my friends and family were there to remind me of how ANYONE in our shoes would be crazy NOT to get some sort of medical help….I just pray for some peace and quiet in your heart and mind…and know that I know, we all here know exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling.
Love,
HeatherValerie,
I can only think after reading 100’s of posts from Jeff, and getting to know him via this site, what a joy it is for you to be his wife. His knowledge, insight, kindness, concern, and especially his sense of humor through this nightmare of a disease, is something to be held in the highest esteem. However, I believe that behind every great man, there is a great women. My father, my hero, who is losing his battle with Cholangiocarcinoma, accomplished so much in his life, and he did so with my mother standing behind him, believing in him, pushing him. I know Valerie you are that women as well to Jeff. Although, he, like everyone else on this site, didn’t deserve this disease, he has fought and is fighting long and hard, and he is doing so with you by his side. I am sure you are an ispiration and motivation to fight through endless catscans, blooddraws, pain…..Your heartache is felt by all of us on this site. You, Jeff and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
BarbaraValerie-
I believe it hurts so deeply because you love him so fully and that is a strange gift in reality. It would sometimes be so much easier to let go, but when I was struggling with loosing my Mother (we were exceptionally close), I clung on tightly until it finally hit me it was all out of my control.
I was experiencing a total meltdown (and I needed some meds to help ease my own pain of anxiety). Being able to be destroyed by it all at the time and live fully in the moment, in turn made me stronger. Something no one ever wants to accept. There are unusual gifts and life lessons that are right now breaking you down only to later build you back up. They are there, just look and you will find them. You become able to do things you never thought you could or would have refused to do a month ago. You are strangely being reborn through the loss and yes, it does hurt so bad.
Be glad you love so deeply and can admit and express it. It is a beautiful thing, this life, and love, and path we are on right now. It makes sense to me that you want to fight to keep it and keep him.
I remember what it was like to be so totally swept away with emotions. You hang in there and ask everyone you know for help, even strangers. You will find your way through this and you are not alone. My very best to you and your husband.
Hello Valerie:
I am sorry it is this time for you. Jeff left his mark in a lot of us. If it were possible to see our thoughts and prayers, your home would be crowded and pack with us and our feelings for your and Jeff.
Thank you for all your responses. I appreciate all you have said. I did take your advice and went to the doctor today. He gave me some meds to help with the pre- grieving.I hope it helps, Thanks again everyone.
God Bless,
Valeriedear valerie,
i am new to this site and your husband’s postings as suggested by other members has already helped my husband and i greatly.i am so sorry all of you are going through this.believe me,my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family…..carol (carolynle)
Dear Valerie,
There is nothing more I can add that hasn’t been said. Jeff has been a special strength to me since I first joined this board. Both you and he are role models for all of us. Please hold his hand for me once. My prayers are with your family.Sophie
Dear Valerie,
My heart is breaking for you, for Jeff, and for your family. Jeff has been an inspiration to ALL of us here – and I’m sure he must be even more inspiring in person. We’ve told him that time and again, and he’s always been humble and uplifting and humorous in his replies. He’s fought the hardest battle of anyone here, always with a good attitude and spunky spirit, but I know his only regret is that he has to leave you behind and cause the grief you’re feeling now. I’m sure he feels the same anticipatory grief that you do, which is only natural considering the wonderful love that you two have shared.
I know it is not much consolation, but the love you share with Jeff is something most people never get to experience in a lifetime. It is so special, which is also what makes it so painful to lose. I felt the same way when my mother was under home hospice care – the pain was unbearable, because the thought of losing the most precious person in the world to me was unbearable. People would say “At least you had that time with her” but of course, it’s never enough. You just want it to go on forever, and it’s agonizing. It’s just not fair, it’s just not fair that you should have to go through this, that Jeff should have to go through this.Please believe the pain will get more bearable, and in the meantime, please come here to talk if you need to. And please know that Jeff’s love for you is eternal and you can see it echoed in every thing he wrote about you. He adores you and you’re the light of his life. Staying by his side and loving him is the best thing you can do and you’re doing it so wonderfully. IT’s okay to cry – he understands, and we understand.
Many cyber hugs and best wishes,
Joyce M
Dear Valerie,
My heart is with you during this journey. I walked the same road 15 months ago with my sweet Jacques. It is hard to keep the pain and tears under control – one reason is because you are experiencing something with the one you love that no human is ever prepared to go through. I always envisioned our lives to be so different; I expected to grow old with my Jacques – to share the joys of grandchildren with him (our grandson-Brayden Jack, is now 11 months old and he looks like my Jacques) – to be by my side when our son was married 7 months ago and on and on and on. I wanted to keep him by my side forever and each and every day my heart aches for him. I have read all of Jeff’s postings and he helped me in many ways and I wish there was something I could do or say to help you both through this. One thing I can say is we have to feel blessed to have experienced true love and amazing companionship. I have been writing a journal since my Jacques was first diagnosed and it has helped me – I had hoped to one day have this journal published in the hopes it may help others – but I am not ready to share it yet – one day perhaps.
I know that all of your energies are with your Jeff, but try to take some time to take care of you. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
Love from NH,
BarbaraDear Valerie, I just want you to know what an incredibly strong and brave woman you are. I know you probably don’t feel that way….but please know that a very special prayer is going straight up to heaven tonite from me and Emilee…you are a hero as well as that incredible husband of yours!
Love,
HeatherDear Valerie,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Jeff as you move through this devastating time in your lives together. I have admired Jeff for being such a wonderful, caring human being who has brought comfort to hundreds of people on a daily basis. I know what you mean – toward the end, I would often just sit and watch Butch as he slept I actually slept out in the living room – in the recliner – after they put the hospital bed in there for him. I think they are right – this is “pre-grieving’, and we all go through it, if we have time to think about what is happening. Just know that we are all here for you, whenever you need us.Joyce C.
Dear Valerie….My heart is heavy for you at this special time. Someone had written: “I think there is a great deal of prepartion being done now, almost advanced bereavement. Sometimes I feel myself grieving him and he’s not even gone yet”.
I felt the loss of my husband even before he passed on. I have learned to understand this to be anticipatory grief and I have learned that it is normal to feel sad about the changes I was groing through and the loss I was to experience. I had expected my life with my husband to be different than what I was going through. I have learned that feeling sad over what might have been or what is to come is to be expected. I came to understand that my feelings were normal as I was grieving over the future and all the changes involved. It is a hard road to walk but, I would not have changed it for anything and appreciate now how fortunate I was to be by his side at that time. You are not alone. Please, continue to reach out to us and we will be with you all the way.
Hugs coming your way,
Marion
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