Loosing that fighting feeling!
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Rick,
It is ok to have moments of doubt, fear and frustration. I too sometimes just want to throw in the towel. In fact, Hans and I had a discussion about when is it ok for me to just stop fighting and focus on living. We havent come to any conclusion. Sometimes I feel like today is the day i stop and other days I cant imagine stopping the fight.We cant be perfect patients or people. Our feelings and strength are affected by our physical and psychological well being. When one gets out of alignment, when the pain is constant or intense, it becomes natural to wonder what it means and to search for a different path.
The psychological strain you have been under recently is unimaginable. The wrong reading of the scans and added to that the worry over a treatment plan that insurance may or may not cover. You need time to process this information and accept what has happened. It is NOT fair, you did NOT deserve this but unfortunately this is the crap that has been served on your plate. You will find a way to deal with it because you have to. You have a family that needs you. That may mean you have to keep fighting or that may mean you decide to stop which I sometimes think offers a peace and acceptance that you can not have while you are in fighting mode. Which choice is best for you and your family is only something you and your wife knows. However, given everything you have written in the past, I believe you have a lot of fight left in you once you get a chance to regroup.
Hugs of support and understanding,
KrisThat’s a hard thing Rick, and people think about it so differently. I’ve read many survivor stories where people say they never once think about dying. I think that must be the way they need to do it to keep their joy, but I don’t think it’s the way for me. I can’t do it. I want to live but I’m not afraid to die. When I’m sicker than a dog (like two weeks ago when my stent clogged and needed to be cleaned out) my joyful attitude does change. You’ve been through a very rough few weeks. Give yourself a break, don’t beat yourself up for not being Mr. Pollyanna. I agree with Margaret, try to plan something for the future. “Sorrow my endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”
Rick:
Take a deep breath, let it out slowly, take it one day at a time and go forward, make some plans for next week, next month, next year. Don’t stop living and planning for the future and above all else don’t give up. Attitude and being positive goes a long way in beating or delaying the ‘gates of heaven’.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Go with God and KEEP KICKIN’ THAT cancer.
Margaret
It hasn’t been a fantastic couple of weeks. I found out that my Gemzar/Tarceva regiment has failed and that my tumor has grown quite a bit. Now I’m battling with insurance to cover the next treatment which is new, but promising – called Everolimus.
I just haven’t felt really well since getting the news and my ERCP and while I know I will never give up, the fight is getting harder. I still want to do everything in my power to delay/treat this cancer but I caught myself looking forward to the gates of heaven more than once recently.
Can anyone relate? If so, what do you do to get yourself out of the funk and start enjoying life again?
Rick
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