methadone

Well, it’s become clear that Dad won’t be bouncing back from this one. 2 nights ago he fell getting out of bed, hitting his chin on the dresser. My brother (who moved back home to help Mom) heard it from the basement and got upstairs by the time Mom got out of bed… it must have terrified them both. They got him up, and while they were trying to make sure he was okay, Dad told my brother that Mark (a family member in Newfoundland) was close to dying. Mom had to tell him that he had already passed away (the day before – Dad already knew), and I guess Dad started to cry. My poor brother hasn’t had an emotional breakdown in a while, and I guess that did it for him, and he had a rough night. Later that night he got up again, emptied his bile bag, and forgot to close it, so Mom’s bed was covered in bile in the morning.
He won’t wake Mom up, but he really can’t get up on his own now (I don’t know how a man so thin could possibly stand on his own), so she’s scared that he’ll take another fall. The nurse asked if Mom would like someone there during the night to sit up, but Mom declined. I understand why, since that would really upset Dad. He is also having far more confused moments, although other times he is entirely lucid. He also keeps asking Mom to get his bags ready (I just wish he was going somewhere where he would need them ).
It’s hard to say how much time he has left, but he’s not eating at all, drinking very small amounts, sleeping most of the day, but still able to get up, swallow his own pills, use the washroom (which happens very rarely now), etc. A friend stopped by last night and he stayed in his chair in the living room for probably close to 45 minutes. He kept falling asleep, but did have a conversation with him without getting confused at all. My little girl was almost in tears with a look of such concern on her face looking up at Papa in his chair and saying “Papa owie” over and over again because his chin is a mess from the fall (and the fact that he’s getting a bit agravated and refusing to let anyone clean it for him). It was so sad.
I will be there a lot this weekend and depending on how he is doing and if there are any changes, I think I will be taking some time off work soon to be there and help Mom out. She needs a break, even if it’s just to go grocery shopping or getting a restful sleep without worrying about Dad.
Thinking of you all.

Jen

Dad’s condition worsened over the weekend. He barely managed to get out of bed at all, and ate next to nothing. I guess last night he told Mom that he knew she didn’t want to hear it, but he’d rather be dead then feel the way he does right now. My wonderful, strong, and amazing Mom told him that it was okay, and she understood. Can’t be easy words to speak, but it’s heartbreaking watching him in so much pain.
It was Mom’s birthday on Sunday, and he didn’t get up at all… I went in to say bye and he could barely open his eyes to tell me he loved me. My Grandma (Mom’s mom) called me last night really upset about it as well… he’s very much a son to her, and she said it was so hard saying bye and feeling his ice cold hands on Sunday… what a hard time this is. He said that he still wanted to do chemo on Thursday (I honestly don’t think it’s possible —- I think last week wiped any energy he had right from his body), so my sister and I are going over tonight to tell him that if he’s doing it for us, to stop and to be comfortable… even though I’m sure he knows, maybe it’s time that he hears from our mouths that we are going to be okay, and that it’s okay if he’s tired. He’s still breathing normally, and no other “end” signs, but I don’t think it will be long. We will see what his nurse says today. On the other hand, we’ve thought it was time before, and he bounced back… maybe it’s just taking him longer with the chemo. We will see what this week brings, I guess.

Thinking of you all…

Jen

Hi Everyone,
Quick update! Dad just got out of the hospital yesterday. They had to keep increasing the methadone since he was taking so much break through meds and still having a lot of pain. Hopefully they have it under control now, but we’ll see. They have decided (which shocked us all), to give chemo a try starting on Friday to see if it could help with the spread, and possibly make him more comfortable. It’s entirely with the understanding that if it makes him feel awful that he can stop at anytime. Right now only 2 weeks are booked, and we’ll see if it helps with the pain at all. He’s so weak that it really surprised us that they considered it at all.

He sleeps most of the time, but at least when he’s sleeping he’s not hurting. He’s tiny (no idea what he weighs now, but it’s certainly not much) and he’s not eating, but they told him that he really needs to work on that, so I know he will try his best… he always does what the doctors tell him to! Mom is done work now, and is happy to have Dad at home. It’s exhausting being at the hospital all the time (who thought sitting could be so tiring), so it’s nice that they are are able spend time together at home together where they belong.

Dad mentions every time any one of us see him that he needs to sit with us all together so he can discuss funeral arrangements. Mom and I were talking about how maybe he’s sensing that the time is coming and needs to talk about all of this now. We are all fine with whatever brings him peace, and if planning it all out (right down to songs) is what he wants to do, then that’s what we’ll do!

Thinking of you all!!

Jen